INSIDER'S REPORT - Trich's Keepers

The Trichotilomaniacs, last year's sleeping giant, will retain RB1 Frank "the Tank" Gore and WR1 Hakeem Nicks.













A perennially dinged up talent, Gore looks to shake through a full season after hip surgery. The Tank racked up 147 fantasy points, despite missing the last five games, including 1200 all purpose yards and 5 touchdowns. Nicks picked up 166 fantasy points on 1000 yards and 11 touchdowns. The Trichs are a PSAS legacy and missed the playoffs last year, despite being the favorite to win their division. They'll be sending several interesting players back to the pool including media-darling QB Matt Ryan, RB Jahvid Best, and Flex Danny Woodhead, and WR Anquan Boldin. The Trichs draft 4th so, they should have a chance to pick up a top flight QB or a high-end RB2 in the first round. With last year's off-year behind them, the league would be foolish to sleep on the Hair Pullers.

SPECIAL REPORT: Grisham's Thugs Stalk Commish, Special Prosecutor May Be Appointed

This was the scene outside the commissioner's office this morning as dozens of onlookers gawked incredulously at the brazen, brown-shirt tactics of John Grisham's the Pelican Brief. According to numerous witnesses this van drove up to the front of the Commissioner's office and began harassing Comm. Off. employees and New York citizens, as well as distributing "propaganda literature." With the draft only days away, insiders had reported that the high security Prison Ship Martyrs talks on PSAS monetary policy would be held in the next few days in the crypt of the Fort Greene park monument.

"Everybody knows JGPB's position" commissioner's secretary Judy Killfile said in a written statement, "They're the most extreme debtor in the history of the league. And they have the most at stake in the talks of the next two days."

The Prison Ship Martyr's monument memorializes American revolutionary soldiers held on British ships in the East river. What connection precisely the self proclaimed "Story Pirates" have is still unclear. What is clear is that they are already guilty of at least tampering and threatening the league's bank structure. As of press time no special investigative committee had yet been drafted. JGPB had already issued a formal complaint about the assignation of draft time this year, and was cited but never convicted of a roll in the so-called Pelican Coup, it's scandalous suppression and aftermath which ultimately forced the resignation of Commissioner Psych Dog. The Pelican was used as a Christ symbol to early Christians because of it's nursing its young on its own blood. Precisely whose blood, and what JGPB are nursing this time remain to be seen.

"We're Launching SILOV!"

Thanks for tuning in.

We wanted to let you know about a new investment vehicle that we're launching -- SILOV (Special Investment Liquidity Offering Vehicle)!

What Silov Means For You

SILOV is an innovative strategy -- and proprietary trading platform -- wherein primordial reserve notes can be bought and sold in a combination of public and private transactions!

Why Silov?

Last season it became clear that the Primordial Reserve needed to do a better job allocating liquidity in the FAAB markets.

Furthermore, stability was marred by violent, week-to-week swings in the value of Primodrial Reserve Notes (PRNs).

Who is Silov?

Silov is a project launched in concert with the Commissioner's office.

What is Silov?

Silov is not just a product; Silov is a platform. Essentially Silov is a proprietary trading venue, in which savvy managers can leverage their finances in a transparent and competitive marketplace. Silov is completely voluntary.

How Do I Join?

In the first week, market participants will be permitted to allocate a pre-determined amount of PRNs to wager on the winners of that week's match-ups.

What's the Catch?

There is no catch! Join Silov today!

BREAKING! JGPB Keeperz

INSIDER'S REPORT - BDT Keepers?!

Word has it that the losers of last year's third place game will keep their double titration tandem intact, despite a disappointing ending to last season. BDT went 9-4 last year and plan bring back (presumably) healed QB Tony Romo and WR1 Miles Austin hoping to make a push to the title game this year.












Romo was full of potential as QB before a season ending collarbone injury, in limited action he picked up 150 fantasy points on 11 TDs and 7 interceptions (!). Even without a quality QB for much of the year Austin was still a force, racking up 150 fantasy points on 8 touchdowns. The potential of double titration leads BDT to gamble again this year letting two quality RBs walk in Turner and Hillis, which if nothing else should make the opening rounds more interesting. Also returning to the draft pool will be another mid-round WR in Colston and a brace of late round QBs. While it remains to be seen whether BDT is serious about this gamble or attempting to psych the market, either way, with standards set this high nothing short of a ring will do for this blue chip.

INSIDER'S REPORT - 'Toids Keepers!

League insiders are reporting that last year's top disapointment - the Commish's team will retain its two top point scorers from last year both ailing veterans - Drew "Cool" Brees and Steven "S-JAX" Jackson.















Brees' 263 fantasy points were a down from his ridiculous 2009, but still elite among quarterbacks. Despite throwing only one fewer touchdown than the previous year, Brees doubled his picks with 22 and the nattering nabobs of negativism will no doubt be out to play up the Saints question marks on offense. S-Jax was nagged by injuries last year, but held up for fifteen hundred all purpose yards over the season, although he only managed to find the endzone six times (!) on the ground. Jackson has said he feels healthy this year, but with Cadillac waiting to vulture goal line carries, he'll need plenty of his old predatory 25 yard bursts to get back to true RB1 status.

The 'Toids bizarre 2010 draft strategy should return a smattering of interesting mid-round picks to the draft pool including - QB Eli Manning, TEs Witten & Gonzales, injured RB Torrain & several low-end WRs. It's a new season for the fans of the Dead Ones, but they'll need a top notch draft strategy to drag this franchise into a new decade after a truly dead year.

INSIDERS REPORT - 'Nauts Keepers!

Insiders close to International Necronauts club President the honorable reverend Doctor Heinrich Odom, PhD have hinted at his keeper players for the upcoming 2011-12 season draft. Sources confirm what had long been rumored that the club would protect RB1 Adrian 'All Day' Peterson and WR1 Calvin "Bolt" Johnson.














Both are powerful fantasy movers for the up-and-coming franchise with serious ambitions to improve on last year's fifth place finish. Johnson pushed past 1100 yards and 12 TDs for a combined 182 fantasy points. AP racked up over 1600 combined yards and 13 touchdowns for a 233 fantasy points. Both will draw top five numbers on their positional draft charts in most leagues - so there's no real surprises here. It should be interesting to watch this Chicago based franchise stock up for another cold winter - since last year's draft has essentially forced them to keep investments in two superstars on ailing teams. Notable fish returning to the draft pool are WRs Mario Manningham and Steve Johnson, QB Matt Cassel, and RB Cedric Benson.

Can the Nauts measure up to last year's 2nd half where they were the league's most successful team? Or will heavy expectations weigh the Dead Sailors down to Davey Jones locker?

Invocation

Sing first, goddess, of the birds which streaking
To your sides are honorable love's sign --
And other airy beasts who silent mark
The logos in their wandered loops and dives.
And then tell of those walkers dusty paths,
And those submerged in water's changing tide --
Mark well how all come forth to your harpsong
Like unto like with enchanted passion
Cleave and so generations are renewed,
By pleasures sought, year to year without end.


And tell of the game of Colombia's sons
How owners and players came to contract
After Agamemnon did lock out
The fair-haired Achaens for many months.

Call to our minds the playoffs of winter
When Snowmaggedon covered the land
And Cerberus' sons awoke to bite Phat
Veta's daughters, again a bridesmaid.

Recite, goddess, the unlikely run
of the dead sons of Argos, sailors
on a tide of wins favored by the gods.
Where will another year find them?

Speak, oh muse, of Grisham's new agony
Spendthrift, and laurels still out of his reach.
Will quantitative easing fill his coffers?
Or shall he, pauper-like, eat crow?

Call to our memory, the old commish
His hubris, which mocked the gods,
And like Troy cursed and slaughtered
Before the eyes of the Father.

Remind us, of the melancholic Dwelling,
his blue Romo and lonely star broken,
His word on cash is law and many seek
Some augury of his ancient knowledge.

Muse bless our revels to Dionysus --
And just as the sodden drunk late awakes
With winedark stains and nachos becrusted
Reborn, he himself with beer's first crip crack,
Just so awake our BEAST MODES, hibernating.
And as bee drones misled by cellphone traffic,
Happily stumble upon their old hive,
Just so lead us home for the league's honor.
Call forth the knave! And bid him ask us
yet again - are you ready for some football?