"Pelican Coup" Endangers League

Troubling reports are circulating in the office of the Commissioner's Intelligence Gestapo (CIG) that the murder of former Oceanographic researcher and critic of BP's Gulf oil disaster Matthew Simmons may be linked to underhanded activities in the PSAS fantasy football league. Simmons' murder, previously reported as a British SIS hit, was originally thought to be retribution for his anti-BP statements. It now appears that this belief was entirely too naive.








Although Simmons was well known for his book Twilight in the Desert: The Coming Saudi Oil Shock and the World Economy, less well known were his controversial views on waiver policies, costly bidding wars, and the violence that is often the subterfuge of league moves and acquisitions. Simmons had long been a proponent of The Club of Rome, ostensibly a global NGO advocating sustainable practices but in actuality an semi-autonomous intelligence wing of the Jesuit Order.



Sources inside the Club have recently confirmed the existence of copies of an academic paper on the relations between global resource wars, economic crises and fantasy football. Agents within CIG have recently suggested that the "hit" came not from the oil industry, but from within the league itself. The chief team mentioned in this architecture of corruption? JG's Pelican Brief. The noble pelican, which according to Catholic symbolism feeds its chicks on its own blood, as Jesus feeds the faithful, nothing more than a crass irony to the power mad forces behind this team. Clearly in fear of his life, NFL President Roger Goddell said he had "no comment" as to suspicions that the collapse of Ryan Grant's ankle was an "inside job." Investigations of the unprecidented 750,000 PSAS reserve currency "put option" on replacement Brandon Jackson have been squelched before even reaching the ears of many Americans.

Most unfortunately in all of these events is that another great voice for freedom has been silenced in America with the killing of Matthew Simmons; a sad fact made even more intolerable as the majority of the American people continue to remain complacent while the appetite of the US elite classes to steal all they can is pushing them all towards eminent catastrophe.