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Sunday, September 30, 2018

Week 4 Picks: Cronenberg Edition


There's a David Cronenberg retrospective happening in LA right now, so Cronenberg flicks will be this week's Winamp skin for the PSAS picks....


Polk High v. psych dog – Dead Ringers

Carson Wentz and Nick Foles aren’t twins like Jeremy Irons’ characters in this psychodrama, but who knows what kind of kinky psychological connection they’ve developed after Foles won the Superbowl in Wentz’s place (that’s essentially the same as sleeping with your twin brother’s girlfriend, right?)

Phat Girlz v. Ferries – The Fly

We half expect that Patrick Mahomes’s genes were spliced with a fly a la Cronenberg’s classic remake. Any week now he’ll transform into a revolting human-fly hybrid (Brundlemahomes – it doesn’t actually make sense but it sounds cool).

Blood Spinners v. TTM – Crash

In “Crash,” the protagonist’s sex life is rekindled when he and his wife start using car accidents as foreplay. But it takes them down a dangerous road…kind of like Mike Evans rekindling his receiving career by catching passes from Ryan Fitzpatrick.

BDT v. Pelicans – eXistenZ

In the past Gronk has played like he was in a video game, lighting up defenses with impunity. But judging from the past couple of weeks, he may feel like he’s being chased around virtual reality by an assassin with a flesh gun instead of racking up touchdowns in Madden.

Trichs v. g0dbank – A History of Violence

Dalvin Cook and Melvin Gordon III are no slouches, but any RBs going up against Todd Gurley this season are bound to get their faces smashed in—figuratively, of course—a la the Irish mob baddies who come looking for Viggo Mortensen in this late-stage Cronenberg morality play.

Nauts v. Mustards – Videodrome

Brandin Cooks and Adam Thielen were swallowing footballs like James Woods’s stomach swallowed the gun in “Videodrome.” We’ll see how the rest of this duel plays out later today, but right now the Nauts have the edge.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Power Rankings Week 3 - Brought to you by Nestle






Image result for green tea kit kat flavors
1. BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng - The beautiful green color is just the beginning-- green tea Kit Kats are exquisitely rich and smooth. Is the Fitzpatrick bubble ready to burst? Can AJ Green keep up his pace? Green tea calms the nerves. 








2. psych dog - Strawberry cheese cake Kit Kats are the perfect balance between tart strawberry and creamy cheesecake flavoring.  Just like the balance between Kamara and Thomas in the Saints offense juggernaut. If Wentz is again a top five QB option that could be the key to a bye.















3.  GrossmanSachs - Apple vinegar Kit Kats. Yes please. Nothing else combines the crunch of a Kit Kat with the aroma of your Aunt's newly mopped floors. The familiar scent of the playoffs is in play with Watson throwing from behind every game and Gurley running downhill. The Sexy Rexies could use the vinegar to polish the trophy we've been promised for so long.







4. Phat Girlz - Have you ever even had a purple sweet potato? Well trust me it tastes just like this Kit Kat.  If Bell ever shows up this team will run roughshod over the league. If not he and the purple sweet potato are just a beautiful dream.


5.  Dijonnaise All-Stars - Wasabi goes great on anything. Especially crunchy, crispy Chocolate of Kit Kats.  Over time we know that zombie teams list and then sink, but with top shelf spices like Brees and Brown the zombie mustard could keep for a while.

6. HomeSpunNeckBloodz - Sakura roasted Soy Bean. Evoke the feeling and taste of the Cherry Blossom festival in Brooklyn Botanic Garden with a bite of this treat. The Bloodz would doubtless like to evoke the memory of Jameis Winston sooner rather than later and exorcise ghosts of past Tampa titrations.








7.  AEthernauts - Chocobanana. Now we're talking! Put these on a penut butter and jelly sandwich and consume at 4 AM. Rivers has been lightning in a bottle, but we've seen him disappear into obscurity before.









8. Trichotillomaniacs Lemon. Tart, delicious, and your dose of vitamin C to prevent scurvy.  The Trichs ceiling is just as tall as the Cam-dy man grows this season.






Image result for kit kat flavors9. TakingTigerMountain - Corn it's in everything from our plastic to our whiskey. Is there anything corn can't do? Cousins got cornholed by the Buffalo Bills last week. TTM hopes that's an aberration, otherwise they've already passed on two great early season replacements. 




Image result for kit kat flavors

10. ThePelicanBrief - Grape, it's a purple world with your sizzurp and you're grape Kit Kats. With Rodger, Gronk and Jimmy Graham the Brief hopes that 2011 is back in style in a big way.









11. Polk High Panthers - pineapple is the perfect flavoring if you never have to open the fruit itself.  Likewise the Panthers are tasty but don't dig to deep.












Image result for kit kat flavors




12.SanFranciscoFerries - Chocolate is great. Seafood is great. Eventually I will realize how great they are together. Brady, Julio and Fournette? Sweet sweet chocolate seafood.

Friday, September 21, 2018

Week 3 Picks: Financial Crisis 10-Year Retrospective


Somehow a decade has passed since the 2008 financial crisis, and the past couple of weeks have seen a wave of retrospectives on the event that tilled the ground for our current reality-TV presidency. But the current PSAS administration prefers to look forward, not backward, so this week we're exploring some exotic new financial instruments that franchises can invest in. Don't worry, we've learned from past mistakes; we fired all our quants and reached out to Nancy Reagan's astrologer through a medium. She assures us that nothing could go wrong.

Nauts vs. GrossmanSachs: Payday loans for infants

We all know where things are heading. As Gang of Four said, "One day old and I'm living on credit." With Gurley as the tip of the spear, the g0dbank should pile up points this Sunday like so much compound interest, while the Nauts struggle to keep up with their payments as Hunt loses out to Mahomes and OBJ languishes with Eli.

Mustards vs. TTM: "Purple drank" default swaps

The kidz have forsaken the Plateau Sigma that beckoned to robo-trippers of yore, turning instead to opiates, the signature drug of the epoch. TTM is old school, so expect Hopkins, McCaffery and company to ascend to a higher level and glide over a Mustards squad relying on perhaps-mortal versions of Brees and Brown.

Phat Girlz vs. psych dog: Fitbit life insurance policies - "The end in keeping with which the kind of means to be used is determined is also considered a cause." Translation: we saw how many donuts you ate and we're not paying out on your policy. The smart money says that Wentz, Thomas, and Kamara keep psych dog rolling as Mahomes comes back to Earth. And we mean "smart" in the "smart home" sense, so interpret that as you will.

Polk High vs. Pelicans: Nosferatucoin

A new cryptocurrency used to pay for pints of Patrick Mahomes's blood; a classified investigation points to WOPR as the server used for mining Nosferatucoin. As for the game - look for Rodgers and Gronk to carry the Pelicans to victory as the moribund Cardinals offense drags Johnson down into the muck.

BDT vs. Trichs: Water

Enjoy it before the whole world is ensnared in the plot to Chinatown. With BDT hoarding RBs like Nestle hoards H20, Ajayi's absence shouldn't stop the Dwellers' hot start. (Although if the Trichs' recent fishing exploits are a sign of karmic momentum, the godz may have other ideas.)

Blood Spinners vs. Ferries: Hipster nostalgia dessert CDOs

LA and San Francisco form a powerful California Axis of Hipster, and no hipster speculative bubble is riper to burst than overpriced nostalgia desserts (in Chicago there have been reports of ants on a log with chicken liver peanut butter mousse). Speaking of bubbles--will FitzMagic last one more week and carry Mike Evans and help the Cyclotron overcome Hyde's big night? Hmmm....

Picks record to date: 4-2

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Week 2 Power Rankings - Tropical Cocktails

Image result for captain ron snake plissken


We got nuff parity going into week three with 2 each on the undefeated and 0-fer. That leaves 8 in the big middle at .500.  Tropical cocktail edition.
Image result for daiquiri drive thru in new orleans

Image result for boot shaped glass1. psychdog  - Kamara and Thomas, Nawlins powerful. Sort of like a strawberry daiquiri with served in a drive thru. Sorry you'll have to put the straw in yourself, sir!


2. BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng - AJ Green will kick you when you're down. Sort of like 40 oz pineapple margarita in a boot. Order limited to two per trip by order of health department.

Image result for rum and lime
tropical-cocktails3. Phat Girlz - It's not any one player on PG, they've got it all.  Rum, fruit, wine. Just don't drink it laying down, or you will not be welcome back in the Joe's Crab shack in Gulf Shores.



4. GrossmanSachs - Gurley the real deal in a single package. Not unlike Malibu's rum and lime liqueur. Put it in a glass, you'll enjoy it more!



tropical-cocktails
5. Trichotillomaniacs - Cam Newton is a classic. Like a Mai Tai. You can get a Mai Tai at any decent bar in the country. It's just light rum, dark rum, orange juice and...do you want me to come on that side of the bar and make it?



6. AEthernauts -  OBJ may still be on the giants but you won't know if you drink a Blue Hawaii and fugetaboutit.  Sure it looks like antifreeze, and maybe it is.  But it keeps you cool. So, so cool.


7. TakingTigerMountain - It's going to be a rough ride with half the roster still suspended. Go ahead and enjoy a poor man's mojito. Just drop two peppermint Tums in a Sprite and mix in a
couple mini bottles of rum. You're welcome!


Image result for painkiller cocktail8. HomeSpunNeckBloodz - Painkiller. Nobody knows who's on this team just like nobody knows what's in this drink but it's fucking delicious. No, you shut the fuck up! Nobody fucking knows.
Image result for vodka filled watermelon


9. Polk High Panthers - Vodak filled watermelon. Fact, nobody likes watermelon, or football. Unless they're filled with booze. So drink up little buddy.




10. Dijonnaise All-Stars - Rum, a gun, and a Tom Waits album. What? Name a better cocktail. That's what I thought.

Image result for soap cocktail11. SanFranciscoFerries - Mojito soap. It's not alcoholic they said. It'll just make you thirstier they said. And they were right. But really in a more important sense they were wrong for buying that soap. And you have taught them a valuable lesson.
Image result for hi c12. ThePelicanBrief - Hi C and ethanol. Necessity is the mother of invention. And CVS is the mother of this recipe. 

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Week 1 Power Rankings - Spirit Animals

Power ranking spirit animal is one of them fancy livers they grow in pigs.



1.  psych dog - Turnspit Dog - Putting in work now, putting in the pot tomorrow.

2.  Phat Girlz - Rock dove - inevitable, basic and fucking terrifying

3.  AEthernauts - Voynich Manuscript Chimera - that shit got a hat that is eating motherfuckers

4. GrossmanSachs - Sock Monkey full of Meth - that's the way you do it

5.  BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng - Chupacabra - Sucking the blood of the weak, probably psyops

6. HomeSpunNeckBloodz - Amazon Dick Leach - Never pee in the river, yo

7.  Dijonnaise All-Stars - Zombie Wasp - unnnnh

8.  SanFranciscoFerries - Trash Monkey  - Whaaa

9.  ThePelicanBrief - Trained Bat Dog - Good boy


10. Trichotillomaniacs - Self-driving car - Should work









11. TakingTigerMountain - Drunk ass horse - Go home

12.  Polk High Panthers - Traditional Medieval Panthers - hold my mead...

Saturday, September 8, 2018

PSAS Week 1 Picks, and Announcing This Year’s Prize


Welcome to the 2018 PSAS season, gentlemen.

The commissioner’s office is pleased to announce prizes for this year’s competition:

- First place: one ticket for a pre-apocalyptic rocket flight to Mars (middle seat, between Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos)

- Second place: a set of steak knives

- Third place and below: free brain surgery

The Rapture Index has reached near-record highs due to increases in Jay Cutler activity. So keep your eyes on the prize….

Now onto the week 1 picks (winner in bold)--I’ll try to post these each week, plus the odd anonymous editorial by a g0dbank mole within the administration.

Nauts v. Trichs

BDT v. TTM

G0dbank v. Ferries

Mustards v. psych dog

Blood Spinners v. Polk High

Phat Girlz v. Pelicans