When It's More Than A Game

With their backs against the wall, GrossmanSachs needs a win this week against the post-Socratic philosophers to stay in playoff contention. Many have doubted the G0dbank after they put up 55% of their projection last week and suffered a devastating loss. One-Armed Willis is now also One-Legged Willis, and you're just not gonna get a lot of fantasy production out of a guy with two total limbs. Inquiring minds want to know why McGahee remains on the roster. Most speculate it has something to do with #keeperz, though the G0dbank is publicly against #rosterlaziness. Sal Palantonio speculates that GrossmanSachs is keeping as many assets as possible so when they revolt against keepers, they can say it isn't because they were unprepared. GrossmanSachs said they just couldn't cut Willy, and need his presence in the locker room, now more than ever.

It was quite a scene at the end of the bankerz walkthrough Wednesday night. Their fiery coach has had a busy year, and was even speculated to be interested in coaching the new expansion franchise in Barclona, Los Banqueros Banditos. When the coach ended practice, he gathered the whole team (Peyton Hillis was even invited) and gave them an emotional "Win one for the Bankerz" speech. It was all the more powerful as the coach himself was in dire condition, after suffering a debilitating facial injury during routine sensory augmentation surgery. His useless biomass rejected the nanotechnology, and his face became the battleground for an all out #technorganic war.

With the season on the line, the G0dbank's coach was in full-blown #FaceB34STmode.

When the coach was finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Danny Woodhead eventually broke the silence, and spoke for everybody when he said, "This one's for you, Coach. But, no promises, okay?" Moving stuff.

David Wright Refuses to Play for PSAS Reserve Currency

Although we are only a couple days into our inaugural PSAS baseball season, GrossmanSachs already finds themselves embroiled in controversy. We knew when we drafted David Wright that we may have some financial issues, as Mr. Wright is currently owed over 360 Billion dollars from his previous franchise, the New York Mets. While Wright's contract would only owe him less than 100 million, apparently he'd been making loans to the Wilpon family for the past 23 years. Now that the Mets-as-money-laundering-operation scheme has been exposed, the Wilpons would only trade Wright if the new owner would assume their enormous debt to the third baseman.

GrossmanSachs' initial offer of Zimbabwean currency (a tactic first used by Bu1ld1ngDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng in last year's football season, in order to pay off massive debts from Peyton Hillis's insatiable Pachinko habit) was rejected by Wright with the Twitter post: "Zmbwe$? N-O SCUM! Pnutz wrth mre!" GrossmanSachs responded with their own tweet from CEO Rex Grossman: "LCKMYBALZ DW! $=$ F-IT... I going d33p!"

Security camera footage reveals Peyton Hillis celebrating his projected Keeper-Status by losing 45 Billion American Dollars in three hours in Cleveland's Little Tokyo District

While Grossman's cryptic response puzzled many, insiders at GrossmanSachs knew he meant he's going deep into the Scum Detector, where he'll be "locked in" trying to assess David Wright's Scum Quotient.

The Scum Detector was fairly easy for Grossman to build, after cutting his teeth building the particle supercollider last year

The Scum Detector has only become operational in the past week, due to several delays from internal saboteurs (most suspect Prescott Bush IV and Medussa Rothschild). In the past week, Grossman has outed several board members of GrossmanSachs and most owners in the PSAS league as high-grade scum. "Look at the standings," Grossman noted, while eating three chic-fil-A sandwiches stacked atop each other. "SF Ferries?! They've been chemtrailing our practice facility for months. BDT, c'mon, do I really need to go into specifics? Codex Magica, okay, the dog seems alright to me, but gimme a break, if scum were measured in feet they'd be Everest, m'kay? Oh, and also TBD is a gator fan, which is cool for me and all, but that made the Scum Detector nearly blow up from such high levels."

Grossman did not like what he saw when he looked closer into Wright's background from inside the Scum Detector. "Um, well, first off, he dates hot chicks, that's strike one right there. Know who else dated hot chicks? Me, in college, when I was gator scum. Number two, and this is harder to prove unless you have the omnipotent eye of the detector, he and Jose Reyes have been running drugs OUT OF THE COUNTRY. Are you kidding me? We could smoke/shoot/drop those! And number three, I'm pretty sure he killed Mark Madoff in order to cover up his own role in the money laundering operation. So, would I give him any of our own Gold and Time backed Bankerbucks? Absolutely not, but I will give him some BSPSAS reserve currency or some of this fiat toilet paper I've been wiping my ass with for the past seven hours."

Rex Grossman goes through 17 rolls of fiat currency per day

Wright immediately responded with the following tweet: "if thy pay PSAS$, I'll SCK EVN MRE THN NOW!!!" GrossmanSachs has not formally responded to the tweet, but they did change their Corporate Motto from "Dying Right Here is Strictly Prohibited" to "Kalimah Shuk Ta Tey!" which strongly points to Miguel Cabrera sacrificing Wright for the positive vibes it would bring.