The Talented Mr. Grossman

Grossman-Sachs just cannot seem to avoid controversy this season. It seems last month's allegations of double-agents and illegal put-options were small potatoes compared to the much more serious charges recently surfacing against the firm.

A growing movement of "Grossman Truthers" still demands answers for Rex Grossman's escape and subsequent destruction last week resulting in a win for Grossman-Sachs because of their utilization of the often hilarious Lions Defense (an official list of demands from the Halloween 2010 Victim's Familes is expected sometime next week) but most assume a bipartisan congressional panel will form soon to look into the "accident." The new problem for Grossman-Sachs, however, may prove much more difficult to handle.

Last Friday, Thomas Friedman took a break from fake mustache shopping to point out a strange incongruity with the Chicago Bears quarterbacks. Mr. Friedman alleges that the Bears have been using the same quarterback for the past 28 years. "Look, I don't know if it's cloning, or shapeshifting, or just simple camera tricks like hollywood uses to convince us Meryl Streep and Glenn Close are different people, but those quarterbacks, they're all the same guy." Friedman had to pause for a minute to brush the muffin crumbs out of his fake mustache before continuing. "Think about it... Grossman? He sucked. Orton? Sucked in pretty much the same way. Cutler? Identical suckage, and the list goes on an on: Shane Matthews, Todd Collins, Jim Miller, Mike Tomczak, Jim Harbaugh, Jim McMahon, should I go on, or are you starting to get the picture?"

The most popular conclusion is that the Bears keep a Hall of QB Heads, and switch them out onto the same body (as demonstrated here in the industrial short on the Federal Reserve, Return to Oz.)

Friedman also noted that we never see the Bears quarterbacks simultaneously. "I'm just saying, you'd think if they had two separate, but identical quarterbacks, you'd see some trick plays, some chicanery from time to time. But the Bears choose whichever quarterback they need to suck at that moment and stick with him. And what's the deal with Cutler being good for the Broncos and Orton sucking for the Bears, and then they swap and suddenly Orton's good? This is not an accident, could you pass that danish please; is it hot in here by the way or is it just me? And do we really need all these people? C'mon!"

This is thought to be the only picture in existence of any two bears QBs
(Notice the sloppy Photoshop work on "Orton" and his relationship to the background. Also, Oliver Stone says the shadows don't match)

It's unclear how Grossman-Sachs come into all this. They currently "own" Jay Cutler (quotations used because it's impossible to own a hologram) and Rex Grossman is their CEO and supposedly in their captivity again. Could Grossman-Sachs be perpetuating Bears QB mediocrity for all time in order to secure better defensive numbers? Perhaps these allegations kept GS from picking up the Bills Defense this week, even though Grossman's own board member Prescott Bush IV said himself, "The only defensive strategy is to choose the team every week that plays the Bears. You can write it down, that's your number one defense. Trust me, my Great-Grandfather was a Nazi."

While we may not yet know just what the hell is going on at Grossman-Sachs, Michael Moore and his documentary army have produced this damning video:

Radical Leftists Seizing Control Over PSAS Policy In Slow-Motion Coup

LOWER EAST SIDE, NY —

When El Mundo was forced to resign and into hiding last week, most of the league remained blissfully unaware of the dark undercurrents which forced the move. In truth, the move was the culmination of a long-fermenting, well-aged slow motion coup to rid the League of El Mundo in favor of a radical leftist postmodern agenda. Events of the past few days indicate that the BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng faction of lunatic El Mundo Pequeno haterz have now won the upper hand inside the secret councils of the Anglo-American Pre-Socratic Reserve finance oligarchy, displacing the hitherto dominant EMP-conservative faction. Although EMP and his cronies still occupy a dwindling league influence, the policies that are being carried out are coming from the BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng left CIA disinfo machine. BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng has returned to league prominence in recent weeks due to his role as top establishment controller for the Thanatoids Administration. But BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng is not waiting for the outcome of next year’s ballot initiatives of keeper league settings and PSAS basketball to take over key parts of the Pre-Socratic All-Starz. BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng and his left CIA, Greenwich Village-based allies – the San Francisco Ferries, Vickskennel.com, and JGPB - are already moving to assert their strategy, even as the old-guard conservatives and their characteristic obsessions with winning are moved to the back burner.
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BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng as a youth in Dallas, Tx.

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By now, it should be apparent how the Thanatoids Administration operates. The policies are not that different from El Mundo, but they are carried out under left cover – a smokescreen of vaguely progressive rhetoric which turns out to be a tissue of lies, eg. A supposed free election to determine rule changes for next year (already emitting the foul odor of corruption given that there are more votes cast than league members) and a suspicious “open” invitation to all owners to participate in the governing process (“As Magister Populi I would appreciate an open dialogue with all the people - please feel free to speak your mind openly”). This is what is interesting about the Thanatoid’s biography, that he has these lost years and the lost years where nobody knows anything about what he was doing, we're not even sure where he was. He was a Junior and a Senior at Davidson University, actually Davidson College in uptown Charlotte, or the town of Davidson in North Carolina. He had started his career at a very expensive private school in Dallas, Texas, the Episcopal School, with BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng. If you go back to 2001, 2002 you will see that they were already sort of looking ahead to Year 3 of the PSAS, not coincidentally during the time when El Mundo Pequeno was engaged in secret negotiations in Germany with fantasy futbol officials cunning enough to avoid prosecution in Nuremberg. In other words BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng believed that there's gonna be a crisis of ungovernability based on certain owners not setting line-ups, irresponsibly throwing their cash reserves away, or the opposite, hoarding their cash, all creating a liquidity crisis, what he called the ‘creedal passion period'. PSAS Political upsurge and economic breakdown perhaps. All of this starting around 2010, which is now where we are, we have reached that point.

Fantasy Futbol officials on trial for inflationary scoring system and rigging keeper league procedures to the point where the team that owned Franz Beckenbauer was virtually assured of winning
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The Thanatoids is an intrinsically weak Commissioner, who might well be defeated by another owner in a normal election, especially given the overwhelming suspicion about The Thanatoids among Latino, Asian, and Catholic PSAS owners. The motivation of the Pelicans smear campaign against El Mundo Pequeno by his former admirers and backers is to eliminate any serious contenders who might hinder the new Messiah between now and next season. Much of the smear campaign centers around El Mundo’s employment of maligned quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, derided by the left as Ben “Rapistburger”, even though the QB was never charged with a crime by the district attorney. The smear campaign has succeeded given El Mundo’s recent resignation, applauded roundly by League owners and critics. This process also recalls the 1988 elimination of top Democratic contender Gary Hart through an analogous sex scandal. Hart’s prospective opponent was Bush the Elder, another intrinsically weak candidate favored by the CIA who needed police state assistance to make it to the White House. Gary Hart was knocked out of contention by a scandal involving Donna Rice, with whom Hart had been embroiled with the help of underworld figure Don Aronow, an ally of the Bush family.

_________

Brought down by the same subversive forces that felled Eliot Spitzer, the demise of the former Sherriff of the PSAS began with the signing of Big Ben Roethlisberger.
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The dynasty we need to worry about at this point is neither El Mundo Pequeno’s nor the other former champion, the Trichotillomanic’s. The main concern today is an extension of the BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng dynasty. The PSAS Reserve banking establishment is determined to remove all obstacles that might impede the March of BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng’s puppet, The Thanatoids, to the League’s White House, i.e. the role of Commissioner for next year and beyond. Given the ongoing breakdown crisis of the PSAS currency systems, a BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng administration would pose the threat of thermonuclear war in an infinitely more acute form than in Year 1 or 2 of the PSAS. After a few months of BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng running the show, the era of El Mundo Pequeno and the old-guard conservatives might begin to look like the good old days.

For most PSAS owners, however, there appears to be no need to seek such knowledge as they stare mesmerized into the waiver wire. The League is so asleep although awake that BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng openly mocks their ignorance by referring to himself as Hermodoros, all while meticulously planning the League’s demise under cloak of darkness. If the League was aware that they were one push of a button away from their own demise, perhaps then they would rise up and defend the League’s laws as a city does its walls. But alas, the plan already seems set in motion with no opposition in sight.

It is still possible to avoid this nightmare by timely action.

Is BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng Harboring a Persian Magi?

It is well known that the Persians have always been the enemies of the Acheans and have utilized many mindless enthusiasms and mysteries to attempt to disgrace and enslave the souls of Greek folk. Their allies in this, as Herodotus tells us, are the Magi, a sacerdotal caste of star gazers and shills toadying to the whims of their callous Persian masters. No less an authority than Heraclitus first warned us of their "impious rituals", saying "τὰ γὰρ νομιζόμενα κατ' ἀνθρώπους μυστήρια ἀνιερωστὶ μυενται". How could it be that one of these enemies lives among us? Mocking our solemnity with his cynical sleight of hand. And yet, Ray Lewis is such a one. Consider the evidence, he speaketh to animals. He striketh down men and yet is not imprisoned. He fleereth at science with humor designed to sell deodorant. Can there be any doubt that this man is an agent of the Achaemenid court sent to our lands to undermine our democracy? Picture them oiling their beards, reeking of myrrh and incense, donning silly hats and hating our freedom. Fellow Pre-Socratic All Stars, I ask you, shall we allow this to occur? Or shall, like our forebearers at Marathon, we rise to the occasion and force Ray Lewis to sit out this weekend's game against the Thanatoids?

Jamarcus Russell Cough-Free and In Cardiovascular Shape to Cross State Lines

Former LSU QB1, #1 draft pick, and all around cool guy JaMarcus Russell has worked out with the Washington Redskins prompting speculation that he may be in cardiovascular shape to run Washington's beleaguered 2 minute offense. Following coach Mike Shanahan's completely non-racist benching of Donovan McNabb in last week's loss to the Lions, the Redskins have been desperately seeking anyone but a traditionally lazy quarterback with NFL playoff experience to run their critical two minute offense. Russell, who was arrested this summer with perscription cough syrup, confirmed "I'm still a hustla but insiii-ide my soul." When pressed as to his team preference however, Russell admitted he would lean toward the Ravens or the Vikings.

WEEK 8 POWER RANKINGS

1. Phat Girls (LW -1) The Sith finally put the Girls on a diet this week, ending their 6 week run of fantasy dominance. The Girls suffered an injury to TE Zack Miller, and MJD was the only one titrating on all cylinders. PG remain in command of the Ephesian and tied for the league's best record. No reason to panic here.

Next Week - Vicks - The snake-bit dogs have dropped three straight, with Roddy White back this should be an ideal rebound for the Girls to get back into diva shape.

2. BDTh1nk1ng (LW-2) - Romo who? BDT stepped up and took control of the Milesian this week with a win that ties them for the best record in the league. Fitzpatrick looked passable at

QB, but questions at the TE position will have to be answered before playoff time. This wasn't a thundering performance, but like much of their season, it's well-timed. Zeus' thunderbolt stays with the longest winning streak at 5.

Next Week- Thanatoids - BDT has a real chance to put some distance between themselves and 2nd place Pelicans who'll be mired in a shootout with the red-hot Sith crew.

3. El Mundo Pequeno (LW-3) - EMP picked up a big win in thrilling fashion on Monday night in last week's MATCH UP OF THE WEEK, largely on the shoulders of the titanic titrations of Arian Foster. We can't overstate how huge it is to have a back that can put up 20. EMP is lean mean and ready for some redemption. There's an armada of heroes here but there's no telling what cunning they may have to resort to to sack the City of Playoffs this year. Offerings to Pallas-Athena loom over the rest of the league.

Next Week - Trichs - In a rematch of the 2009 finals where an elemental Psychdog put up153, we'll see their new incarnations battle it out. Expect EMP to be back at full strength and back up over 100.


4. JGPB - (LW 5) The Mystery Pelicans messed with Arian Foster and got the horns Monday night. Still, they outplayed EMP on several fronts, and but for the near complete absence of a 2nd WR and flex, they could have walked out winners. Emilio Estevez issues you an inspiring speech about water fowl and team work. Flying V !!!

Next Week - Sith - If the Pelicans are going to stay in the top flight, they're going to have to grit out a win against Revenge, possibly without Rogers at the helm.

5. Grossman Sachs - (LW-8) The Sachs lucked out in a squeaker against Ferries this week, amid allegations that eponymous Rex Grossman may have been released from captivity to secure extra points for the Lions defense. Sexy Rexy goes to those able to play hot potato with bad luck.

Next Week - Skins - MATCH UP OF THE WEEK - The Skins are playing an unlikely hot hand, and the Sachs may have more work to do to create more Grossman shenanigans this week.

6. Trichs (LW- 4) - The seemingly rudderless Trichs were the 2nd straight victim to the league's favorite underdog, the Skins All the Way. Having dropped two out of three, the Hair Pullers are down to .500. That's the bad news -- the good news is, that the Ephesian is still wide open for the taking.

Next Week - EMP - the Trichs have a chance to expunge some ill-will from last year in a rematch of the championship. Disney's Tangled pins its box office behind the hairy ones.

7. Revenge of the Sith (LW-9) - Revenge has powered their way to two staight quality wins with big offense with two straight weeks of +99 pt performance. One more win, and we could be talking about the Division Leader Sith, and not simply the Surging Darkside. Sith Lord Benedict finds your lack of faith disturbing.

Next Week - JGPG - The Pelicans are likely to be hungry after letting their chances slip by last week against EMP. Expect a close-run match.

8. Ferries - (LW 7) - Constant heartbreak for the Frisco kids with another near-miss against Grossman. They've been so close, so many times, one is tempted to think they're being tested by the gods. 4 out of 8 of the Ferries games have been decided by less than 4 points. With margins like that they're still missing only the smallest of pieces.

Next Week - Nauts - This is a must have for both squads if they want to entertain any playoff hopes. Time to beard up!

9. Vicks Kennel - (LW-6) - The Kennel Klub is in some kind of funk, dropping three straight and falling to .500. Early on the Ephesian looked like it was going to be a race, but now, it appears to be a race to the middle, with the bottom surging up and the roof caving in. Caesar Milan says you need to project a calm assertive energy...

Next Week - Phat Girls - If this falling sensation is just a nightmare, then Vicks better wake up quick, because you know what they say happens if you hit the ground in your dream...

T. 10. International Necronauts (LW-10) The Nauts blasted the 'Toids in the battle of the Dead this week. Big numbers from Calvin Johnson could be addictive, especially if Stafford buys into all the media hype swirling around him. The 'Nauts are showing signs of life, but need to cook up something big for next week.

Next Week - Ferries - One of these squads is going to walk out a contender and one is going to

finish out the season a spoiler. Can the Dead-ites marshall some international flavors? Did the Ferries leave their hearts in San Francisco? Which one reigns supreme? Chairman Kaga challenges you to titrate new flavors in Kitchen Stadium.

T. 10. Skins (LW-12) The Skins kept on the warpath last week with a second straight scalping, this time of last year's runners up the Trichs. Whatever the Skins are doing they've got to keep doing it, in the mediocre Ephesian, every game has the potential to shift the ranks.

Next Week - Grossman - MATCH UP OF THE WEEK - The Skins would do well not to accept any blankets from the Bankers this week, or indeed anything Grossman has touched. Look for McCoy to loom large against a poor Indy run defense.

12. Thanatoids (LW-10) - Whom the gods would destroy they first drive mad. Harassed by injuries, thumping defeats and poor play among its stars, it's been a maddening season for the Doomed Ones. The poor 'Toids have been used as a chew toy by nearly the entire league now. While they're certain to be in the consolation tournament at this point, there's still lots to

play for with possible spoiler games with the last two weeks against likely play-off contenders. The Erinýes pursue those damned by the Fates.

Next Week - BDT - You can't sleep on the 'Toids, as Vicks found out in week 6. Don't be surprised if this one is closer than the projections as the schizophrenic are often unpredictable.

Rex Grossman Evidently in Cardiovascular Shape to Run a Two Minute Offense

Upon hearing the shocking comments from Washington Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan that QB1 Donovan McNabb did "not have cardiovascular endurance" to run a two-minute offense, the sports-watching nation was in for an even bigger shock -- Rex Grossman evidently is in aforementioned shape. Contrary to popular knowledge that Sexy Rexy is indeed a sleeper sofa used to inarticuraretely lob balls at the other team when the punter has blown his Achilles tendon, evidently he's actually a skilled and athletic football player.

Grossman Rex Havoc on Northeast

New York, NY - (AP) Grossman-Sachs sincerely apologized for the actions of their Chief Executive Officer this past week in a document oddly titled: An Open Apology (Not for Distribution). Rex Grossman escaped from custody sometime Sunday afternoon. It's still unclear how he escaped from his cage at Grossman-Sachs headquarters (666 Wall St, beneath Federal Hall). What is all too clear, however, is that Rex Grossman is not meant for this world.

Follow Grossman's Reign of Terror Here on GoogleMaps!

View Grossman, Rex - Halloween 2010 in a larger map

It all began around noon on Halloween Sunday, October 31st, 2010, when Ol' Zeke, Grossman's lead trainer/programmer entered the basement holding area and could immediately tell something wasn't right. "Rex has a very distinct scent, you see," Zeke began. "It's an overpowering blend of Buffalo Dung, Sulfur, Icelandic Smelt Guts, and Cinnamon. The first few years you're exposed to it you'll experience symptoms similar to the stresses on the body at 5-times gravitation (muscle clenching, nausea, skin melting,) but after a while, I think enough neurons die off in your brain that you're almost drawn to the smell." What Zeke describes are symptoms similar to Toxicplasmosis, which makes rats drawn to the smell of cat urine (ordinarily the ultimate rat repellent) after contracting a virus. "Anyway, the smell was still there, sure," Zeke continued, "but you could tell right away Rex was gone. It's like, yeah, a hydrogen bomb has a hell of an aftermath, nothing like you've ever seen before, but that's really nothing compared to the instant of astronomical light and heat that preceded it. That's the best way to describe it; being around Rex is like spending time frozen in a nuclear explosion. The basement at noon only showed the fallout."

Nobody knows how Grossman escaped from his cage beneath the watchful eye of George Washington

Grossman was next seen at a Chic-fil-A in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania. Tammy, the lone survivor from the Queen of Prussia wing of the mall that is King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, was still shaking when she was pulled off the nearby radio tower three hours after Rex's visit. "It was like he was made of avalanches, you know? All this unbelievable power snowballing further and further out-of-control, but you can still see exactly what's gonna happen next. I saw him just rip a guy in half because he was wearing a Tebow jersey; it was insane. And my friend Gina, she got, well, I can't even say it..." What she can't say, we can't print, because it's now a matter of national security.

"All matters relating to the past, present, and future, of Rex Grossman are hereby classified under the State Secrets privilege," President Obama declared late Sunday night. "There are too many unknowns still to be discovered, too many risks of any of this information falling into the wrong hands, and too many lives at stake to overlook such necessities in the name of a 'Free Press.' I know it may not be a particularly popular decision, especially on the eve of elections, but I will not succumb to the demands of a small minority of Grossman Truthers."

Grossman's agent, Commodore Jessup Jurivicious-- a former NAVY Intelligence Officer, released the following statement. "While this is a sad day for America, and an embarassing day for Grossman-Sachs, Rex wants everyone to know he does not regret his actions; his only regret is that he didn't get to throw an interception."