BREAKING! JGPB Keeperz

INSIDER'S REPORT - BDT Keepers?!

Word has it that the losers of last year's third place game will keep their double titration tandem intact, despite a disappointing ending to last season. BDT went 9-4 last year and plan bring back (presumably) healed QB Tony Romo and WR1 Miles Austin hoping to make a push to the title game this year.












Romo was full of potential as QB before a season ending collarbone injury, in limited action he picked up 150 fantasy points on 11 TDs and 7 interceptions (!). Even without a quality QB for much of the year Austin was still a force, racking up 150 fantasy points on 8 touchdowns. The potential of double titration leads BDT to gamble again this year letting two quality RBs walk in Turner and Hillis, which if nothing else should make the opening rounds more interesting. Also returning to the draft pool will be another mid-round WR in Colston and a brace of late round QBs. While it remains to be seen whether BDT is serious about this gamble or attempting to psych the market, either way, with standards set this high nothing short of a ring will do for this blue chip.

INSIDER'S REPORT - 'Toids Keepers!

League insiders are reporting that last year's top disapointment - the Commish's team will retain its two top point scorers from last year both ailing veterans - Drew "Cool" Brees and Steven "S-JAX" Jackson.















Brees' 263 fantasy points were a down from his ridiculous 2009, but still elite among quarterbacks. Despite throwing only one fewer touchdown than the previous year, Brees doubled his picks with 22 and the nattering nabobs of negativism will no doubt be out to play up the Saints question marks on offense. S-Jax was nagged by injuries last year, but held up for fifteen hundred all purpose yards over the season, although he only managed to find the endzone six times (!) on the ground. Jackson has said he feels healthy this year, but with Cadillac waiting to vulture goal line carries, he'll need plenty of his old predatory 25 yard bursts to get back to true RB1 status.

The 'Toids bizarre 2010 draft strategy should return a smattering of interesting mid-round picks to the draft pool including - QB Eli Manning, TEs Witten & Gonzales, injured RB Torrain & several low-end WRs. It's a new season for the fans of the Dead Ones, but they'll need a top notch draft strategy to drag this franchise into a new decade after a truly dead year.

INSIDERS REPORT - 'Nauts Keepers!

Insiders close to International Necronauts club President the honorable reverend Doctor Heinrich Odom, PhD have hinted at his keeper players for the upcoming 2011-12 season draft. Sources confirm what had long been rumored that the club would protect RB1 Adrian 'All Day' Peterson and WR1 Calvin "Bolt" Johnson.














Both are powerful fantasy movers for the up-and-coming franchise with serious ambitions to improve on last year's fifth place finish. Johnson pushed past 1100 yards and 12 TDs for a combined 182 fantasy points. AP racked up over 1600 combined yards and 13 touchdowns for a 233 fantasy points. Both will draw top five numbers on their positional draft charts in most leagues - so there's no real surprises here. It should be interesting to watch this Chicago based franchise stock up for another cold winter - since last year's draft has essentially forced them to keep investments in two superstars on ailing teams. Notable fish returning to the draft pool are WRs Mario Manningham and Steve Johnson, QB Matt Cassel, and RB Cedric Benson.

Can the Nauts measure up to last year's 2nd half where they were the league's most successful team? Or will heavy expectations weigh the Dead Sailors down to Davey Jones locker?

Invocation

Sing first, goddess, of the birds which streaking
To your sides are honorable love's sign --
And other airy beasts who silent mark
The logos in their wandered loops and dives.
And then tell of those walkers dusty paths,
And those submerged in water's changing tide --
Mark well how all come forth to your harpsong
Like unto like with enchanted passion
Cleave and so generations are renewed,
By pleasures sought, year to year without end.


And tell of the game of Colombia's sons
How owners and players came to contract
After Agamemnon did lock out
The fair-haired Achaens for many months.

Call to our minds the playoffs of winter
When Snowmaggedon covered the land
And Cerberus' sons awoke to bite Phat
Veta's daughters, again a bridesmaid.

Recite, goddess, the unlikely run
of the dead sons of Argos, sailors
on a tide of wins favored by the gods.
Where will another year find them?

Speak, oh muse, of Grisham's new agony
Spendthrift, and laurels still out of his reach.
Will quantitative easing fill his coffers?
Or shall he, pauper-like, eat crow?

Call to our memory, the old commish
His hubris, which mocked the gods,
And like Troy cursed and slaughtered
Before the eyes of the Father.

Remind us, of the melancholic Dwelling,
his blue Romo and lonely star broken,
His word on cash is law and many seek
Some augury of his ancient knowledge.

Muse bless our revels to Dionysus --
And just as the sodden drunk late awakes
With winedark stains and nachos becrusted
Reborn, he himself with beer's first crip crack,
Just so awake our BEAST MODES, hibernating.
And as bee drones misled by cellphone traffic,
Happily stumble upon their old hive,
Just so lead us home for the league's honor.
Call forth the knave! And bid him ask us
yet again - are you ready for some football?

2011 PSAS PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS

July 10th, 2011-

____________

The Judge has ruled and the verdict is in! It's time to put your party pants back on because the PRE-SOCRATIC ALLSTARZ

1. ©

is ready to kick off its 4th and Greatest season ever! The League is progressing at such hypersonic pace that this next season is sure to redefine the constructs of fantasy football in their entirety.

Season 3 of the PSAS saw us playing a brand of football at least 5 years into the future, but there is no telling how innovative and forward-thinking Season 4 will become. Our advice is simply to sit back and enjoy the ride because there is no sense worrying about things which may exceed the limits of one's own ratiocination. Just be thankful the League is in such great hands!

Now, we know what you're thinking: 'Do I have what it takes to climb the highest mountain and join the Trichotillimaniacs, psychdog, and Vixkennel in the Valhalla of everlasting hypermodern glory? . . . to take a seat at the table amongst the Greats??'. Probably not, because as the League is currently structured, only one team is named the winner after each season. Some godless, new age statistician might argue you have exactly an 8.3% chance of winning each season, but in reality it's much, much lower than that taking into account the likelihood that the gods are conspiring against you. Alas, no better indication of the futility of quantitative analytics is last year's Playoffs.

So, without Freddy Adu, we'd like to pop the cork and officially harken the arrival of the New Era, Season 4 of the PSAS. Look for registration to open soon, and for updates and information related to new League initiatives to follow shortly thereafter. The commissioner may require each team to submit each team's 2 keeper players at some point, too.

In the meantime, we are unveiling the 2011 PRE-SOCRATIC ALLSTARZ PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS. Before scoffing at rankings released before the draft, know that 3 of the 4 Final Four teams were accurately picked last year at this same time. Enjoy!

12. Skins all the Way - Are the rumours of receivership true? If so, a bunch of interested buyers would surely be open to negotiate a buy-in to the PSAS, provided the Primordial Reserve approves. With Larry Fitzgerald and LeSean McCoy as projected keepers, tough sledding ahead no matter who is in charge.

11. SF Ferries - No team has irked the godz more than the Ferries. The Ferries made a habit last year of putting lots of points on the board only to lose barely in disastrous fashion. Can the Ferries reverse their mediocre fortunes? Who knows, it may even take a first born.

10. The Thanatoids - The taxing roles and responsibilities of the Commissionership have visibly taken a toll on the 'Toids. The 'Toids couldn't even muster a headline last year, as their lackluster season was relegated to the backpages along with the RedBulls and Mets. Constitutional questions and personnel strategy is a lot for anyone in a given week. But if the new rumors are to be believed, Thanatoid shareholders have even more reason to be bearish about the 2011 outlook. Sell now if you can.

9. Trichotillomaniacs - Winning consistently is the single most difficult task in the PSAS. Look no further than the 'Tillomaniacs for evidence of this. For the first two seasons the 'Maniacs were far and away the best team in the League. A schellacking in the 2009 Championship Game, however, seemed to send the 'aniacs into a deep and dark slumber, from which the 'niacs have yet to awaken. Uncharacteristic lineup omissions and questionable FA spending have some questioning whether the 'iacs are simply past their prime. If that were the case, the 2008 Champs 'acs have already done enough if their brief history to secure a place among the Greats of the Game.

8. The Pelican Brief - Assuming tPB are even in the PSAS in 2011 based on their Chapter 11 woes (assets = $0), tPB will not only have to answer to the weekly fantasy quandries but to their creditors as well. Look for the Greek-esque austerity measures to be crippling, as the Primordial Reserve must send a message that the long-term health of the League and its currency depends on the solvency of each of its franchises. QE1 and artificially depressed interest rates aside, watch the Curse of Brandon Jackson rear its ugly head for another year.

7. Revenge of the Sith - The biggest "X-Factor" heading into 2011 is without a doubt Revenge. We don't feel comfortable pegging them to make the Playoffs this year since they're 0-3 after three attempts, but their ascending status among the League Elites is undeniable. Next year they boast the projected keepers of Tom Brady and Chris Johnson, unless they want to double-up the RB's and keep RunDMC over Mr. Bunschen. This could be the classic 'buy low, sell high' opportunity for aggressive investors.

6. Grossman Sachs - Projected Keepers Mike Vick and Rashad "keep truthin'" Mendenhall make a formidable twosome. If they can keep their transhumanist world domination ambitions in check, Grossman could be in line for a huge 2011.

5. Vixkennel - Last year's Champ will have a Bulleye on their back in 2011. After an embarrassing 6-7 regular season, the Kennel trampled over League Elites en route to a controversial title that reeked of a deal with the Devil. The Kennel's well known associations with various occultic TV personalities lends credence to this, but projected keepers Ray Rice and Philip Rivers may be enough to win a second title without an assist from Baphomet.

4. el mundo/psychdog - The 2009 Champs are already off to a good start in '11 with Arian Foster and Jamaal Charles leading the charge. If you're looking for a safe bet, pick el mundo to make a 4th consecutive Playoff appearance. The vanquished fmr. Commish has a lot to prove following an early exit last year.

3. BldgDwllngThnkng - Last year's Preseason #1 met expectations with aplomb by securing the valuable Wilc Card Bye. However, BDT was inexplicably blown out in the Final Four by the Kennel, surely motivating them even more in 2011. We'd consider picking them higher but their expected keepers aren't really all that impressive (Romo and M. Austin). Sure, they could keep Hillis and/or Michael Turner, but neither forecast 2011 dominance either.

2. Phat Girlz - Being 0-2 in Title Games can't sit well with the Phat Girlz. What's more, after losing in the Final Game in 2008, the Girlz imploded to the tune of a two-win season. We don't forecast a repeat of that this year, with the likes of MJD and Roddy White staying on for another year. But until the Girlz can show the resolve of a Champion, we think Preseason #2 is a fair spot for one of the League's Greats.

1. Int'l Necronauts - Shock pick atop the Preseason Power Rankings, but you're urged to take a closer look. The Necronauts have the best 1-2 keeper punch with Adrian Peterson and Calvin Johnson, two players certain to have big years in 2011. What's more is that the Necronauts have improved steadily in each of their first two seasons. They have above average liquidity, solid leadership, and a whole lot less baggage than all of the Old School teams. We think they have potential to catch lightning in a bottle in 2011 and join the Pantheon of League Legends in 2011. Time will tell...

Fantasy Football Replacement Tournament: Round 1 - Darts vs. Gaelic Football

Darts - This gentlemen to the left is Simon Whitlock, last year's international darts champion, and as you may infer from his haircut, an Australian. The man to the right is Ted Hankey, who styles himself "The Count."

Pro(s)
- Game can be played while drinking. -Non-American cheerleaders keep mouths shut because of bad teeth.
-Wrestling style characters and introductions.

Con - Fantasy game requires meth to be interesting.


Gaelic Football - a combination of rugby, soccer, volleyball, basketball Gaelic football is played on a soccer field with goals and uprights above them. Players can "solo" the ball through the uprights for one point, or attempt to beat the goalie for three points. You can carry the ball as long as you dribble every three steps, and tackle with your shoulders and elbows, and do almost anything while possessing the ball. Passing is typically accomplished by punching the ball with a closed fist. Confused yet? Did I mention there are jump balls?

Pro
-non professional blood sport.
-variety of statistics

Con - Irish.