Preseason Power Rankings 2014

And now his watch is ended...

A virile Commish takes power

After a bit of preseason bloodletting worthy of Game of Thrones three franchises (two legacy) are gone, a commish toppled, and a shell-shocked league wondering what to expect next.  Well, if you've read the books you know, a bit of orientalist fantasy, a lot of talky intrigue and not nearly as many boobs as the early seasons.  Rankings don't mean much until the cleats hit meaningful turf, but that never stopped us before.


1.  Trichs  -  The new Shogun rides into town on the heels of last year's victory. Shady McCoy and the Muscle Hamster will muster a top tier run attack. And the General will hope that cheap keeper Julius Thomas can cover for dual WR2s in an aerial attack.  Keeper-nick and RGIII round out at QB with a dual running QB strategy.  It's a balanced attack with some big names on defense, it's a new day for the Rising Sun.

2  SanFranciscoFerries - The Bay Area Boatmen are ready for another run at the title after a Cinderella streak ended ingloriously in December last year.  They return RB1 Lacy and talented deep threat Patterson. Question marks abound with Gronk and Welker injury concerns and Bell's off field concerns. But expect big numbers out of a QB competition between Wilson and Stafford.  There's plenty of reason to be sanguine about the Ferries as playoff repeaters.

3.)  Phat Girlz - The Girlz returned a WR-RB on the cheap with Garcon and Tate (finally traded out from behind Arian).  That allowed them to pick up some brand name help in the form of RB1 Forte,  a pair of legit wideouts in Hilton and Cobb, and a solid QB2 in Luck. They're thin in the way of depth, but if Luck or Tate takes a big step forward they'll be heavy-hitters again.

4.) TakingTigerMountain  - The Mountain kept the unlikely TE-WR combo, although an appeals court had to make it official that Graham is a TE.  After narrowly missing the playoffs last year, TTM put the band back together returning QB1 Brees and a host of flex candidates in Vereen and Sproles. The elephant in the room is the huge bid for AP, if he's healthy 16 games then he might be worth it.  If not then the Mountain will be over-reliant on air power yet again this year.

5.)  Pelican Brief -  The Legal Eagles kept a QB-DEF combo in Brady and Seattle's defense. A bounce back for the Brady is the foundation of their season, but the engine is the two presumed top backs of the ground game Lynch M0b and Charles.   Always a wheeler-dealer we fully expect the Brief to hit the back channels before the season gets too old and trade up to improve their air attack.

6.) Homoerasmus James - August surprise with a bullet, the former Commish and  top seed in last year's playoffs dropped out only weeks before the draft. His franchise assumed by a mysterious new-comer is still a force to be reckoned with.  With Peyton as a keeper, there's obligatory talk of age and injury risk.  If he's a repeat of last year then the New Kids start the year with one foot in the playoff circle.   They'll hope that the Bills will finally figure out how to use Spiller, and that Frank the Tank isn't running on empty. 

7.) BuildingDwellingThinking   - The Black Forest returns the dynamic Cowboys duo of Romo and Bryant, hope, like everybody in the Metroplex, that they can't fuck things up indefinitely. With Morris and Monte Ball there's hope for a solid ground game. But depth is lacking with Gerhart at flex an aging Reggie Wayne as WR3.   Still the German Philosopher's are known titrators, so they'll expect them to test the trade/wire waters soon enough to find the right strength.

8.)  Homespun Neckbloodz - the Spinners return a RB-WR in Joique and V-Jax. With bell cows Ellington and Nio-Gio in the backfield, they'll hope to draw consistent power on the ground this year. A lot depends on mercurial QB2 Nick Foles in a wide-open Philly offense. Toss in another top flight year for Brandon Marshall and the Cyclotron might have a dope mixture this time around.
  
9.)  Polk High Panthers   -  Al Bundy's crew kept the biggest dollar number in the league with Megatron and AJ. They also arguably kept the top two receivers in the league.  To get out of the gate they'll need those thoroughbreds to be tops again. Because there's precious little else here. Thomas and Blount as borderline RB2 and R-Burger as QB4 both need upgrades. The Panthers are an obvious trade partner with two spare WR1 in Julio on a injury rebound year and the ageless Fitzgerald.

10.) Aethernauts   - The Nauts returned the QB-RB combo of Newton and Murray, hoping that both can achieve that next step in 2014.  True to their name they drafted Big Air picking up Cruz, Jordy and Emmanuel Sanders, big time deep threats all.  As a result the Rolling Beer Barrel Stacy and newly minted Jet Ivory will fight for RB2 rights.

11.)  Dijonaise All Stars   - Col Mustard and Crew missed the draft and predictably suffered the pains of auto-pick while crossing the international dateline. A-Rodg is still a top flight QB as a keeper, but they'll rely on the computer picks to do the rest of their lifting.  Looking to reclaim faded glory are WR2s White and Wallace.  A bounce back year for Arian would make the Mustard men's roster a little more palatable.

12.) Shock_Pix - Where can you start the year after an 0-fer in the previous year? No lower certainly.   The Pixies return Demarius as top flight receiver.  They'll hope to get similar air space from breakout Allen and a fully rehabbed Harvin.  They'll wait for Ray Rice to sit out his wife-beating suspension, and hope they can get some young numbers out of potential futures picks like Hill and Mason.  Every year we predict that the primordial Commish will return to former glory, is this they year they shock the world?