INSIDERS REPORT - 'Nauts Keepers!

Insiders close to International Necronauts club President the honorable reverend Doctor Heinrich Odom, PhD have hinted at his keeper players for the upcoming 2011-12 season draft. Sources confirm what had long been rumored that the club would protect RB1 Adrian 'All Day' Peterson and WR1 Calvin "Bolt" Johnson.














Both are powerful fantasy movers for the up-and-coming franchise with serious ambitions to improve on last year's fifth place finish. Johnson pushed past 1100 yards and 12 TDs for a combined 182 fantasy points. AP racked up over 1600 combined yards and 13 touchdowns for a 233 fantasy points. Both will draw top five numbers on their positional draft charts in most leagues - so there's no real surprises here. It should be interesting to watch this Chicago based franchise stock up for another cold winter - since last year's draft has essentially forced them to keep investments in two superstars on ailing teams. Notable fish returning to the draft pool are WRs Mario Manningham and Steve Johnson, QB Matt Cassel, and RB Cedric Benson.

Can the Nauts measure up to last year's 2nd half where they were the league's most successful team? Or will heavy expectations weigh the Dead Sailors down to Davey Jones locker?

Invocation

Sing first, goddess, of the birds which streaking
To your sides are honorable love's sign --
And other airy beasts who silent mark
The logos in their wandered loops and dives.
And then tell of those walkers dusty paths,
And those submerged in water's changing tide --
Mark well how all come forth to your harpsong
Like unto like with enchanted passion
Cleave and so generations are renewed,
By pleasures sought, year to year without end.


And tell of the game of Colombia's sons
How owners and players came to contract
After Agamemnon did lock out
The fair-haired Achaens for many months.

Call to our minds the playoffs of winter
When Snowmaggedon covered the land
And Cerberus' sons awoke to bite Phat
Veta's daughters, again a bridesmaid.

Recite, goddess, the unlikely run
of the dead sons of Argos, sailors
on a tide of wins favored by the gods.
Where will another year find them?

Speak, oh muse, of Grisham's new agony
Spendthrift, and laurels still out of his reach.
Will quantitative easing fill his coffers?
Or shall he, pauper-like, eat crow?

Call to our memory, the old commish
His hubris, which mocked the gods,
And like Troy cursed and slaughtered
Before the eyes of the Father.

Remind us, of the melancholic Dwelling,
his blue Romo and lonely star broken,
His word on cash is law and many seek
Some augury of his ancient knowledge.

Muse bless our revels to Dionysus --
And just as the sodden drunk late awakes
With winedark stains and nachos becrusted
Reborn, he himself with beer's first crip crack,
Just so awake our BEAST MODES, hibernating.
And as bee drones misled by cellphone traffic,
Happily stumble upon their old hive,
Just so lead us home for the league's honor.
Call forth the knave! And bid him ask us
yet again - are you ready for some football?

2011 PSAS PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS

July 10th, 2011-

____________

The Judge has ruled and the verdict is in! It's time to put your party pants back on because the PRE-SOCRATIC ALLSTARZ

1. ©

is ready to kick off its 4th and Greatest season ever! The League is progressing at such hypersonic pace that this next season is sure to redefine the constructs of fantasy football in their entirety.

Season 3 of the PSAS saw us playing a brand of football at least 5 years into the future, but there is no telling how innovative and forward-thinking Season 4 will become. Our advice is simply to sit back and enjoy the ride because there is no sense worrying about things which may exceed the limits of one's own ratiocination. Just be thankful the League is in such great hands!

Now, we know what you're thinking: 'Do I have what it takes to climb the highest mountain and join the Trichotillimaniacs, psychdog, and Vixkennel in the Valhalla of everlasting hypermodern glory? . . . to take a seat at the table amongst the Greats??'. Probably not, because as the League is currently structured, only one team is named the winner after each season. Some godless, new age statistician might argue you have exactly an 8.3% chance of winning each season, but in reality it's much, much lower than that taking into account the likelihood that the gods are conspiring against you. Alas, no better indication of the futility of quantitative analytics is last year's Playoffs.

So, without Freddy Adu, we'd like to pop the cork and officially harken the arrival of the New Era, Season 4 of the PSAS. Look for registration to open soon, and for updates and information related to new League initiatives to follow shortly thereafter. The commissioner may require each team to submit each team's 2 keeper players at some point, too.

In the meantime, we are unveiling the 2011 PRE-SOCRATIC ALLSTARZ PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS. Before scoffing at rankings released before the draft, know that 3 of the 4 Final Four teams were accurately picked last year at this same time. Enjoy!

12. Skins all the Way - Are the rumours of receivership true? If so, a bunch of interested buyers would surely be open to negotiate a buy-in to the PSAS, provided the Primordial Reserve approves. With Larry Fitzgerald and LeSean McCoy as projected keepers, tough sledding ahead no matter who is in charge.

11. SF Ferries - No team has irked the godz more than the Ferries. The Ferries made a habit last year of putting lots of points on the board only to lose barely in disastrous fashion. Can the Ferries reverse their mediocre fortunes? Who knows, it may even take a first born.

10. The Thanatoids - The taxing roles and responsibilities of the Commissionership have visibly taken a toll on the 'Toids. The 'Toids couldn't even muster a headline last year, as their lackluster season was relegated to the backpages along with the RedBulls and Mets. Constitutional questions and personnel strategy is a lot for anyone in a given week. But if the new rumors are to be believed, Thanatoid shareholders have even more reason to be bearish about the 2011 outlook. Sell now if you can.

9. Trichotillomaniacs - Winning consistently is the single most difficult task in the PSAS. Look no further than the 'Tillomaniacs for evidence of this. For the first two seasons the 'Maniacs were far and away the best team in the League. A schellacking in the 2009 Championship Game, however, seemed to send the 'aniacs into a deep and dark slumber, from which the 'niacs have yet to awaken. Uncharacteristic lineup omissions and questionable FA spending have some questioning whether the 'iacs are simply past their prime. If that were the case, the 2008 Champs 'acs have already done enough if their brief history to secure a place among the Greats of the Game.

8. The Pelican Brief - Assuming tPB are even in the PSAS in 2011 based on their Chapter 11 woes (assets = $0), tPB will not only have to answer to the weekly fantasy quandries but to their creditors as well. Look for the Greek-esque austerity measures to be crippling, as the Primordial Reserve must send a message that the long-term health of the League and its currency depends on the solvency of each of its franchises. QE1 and artificially depressed interest rates aside, watch the Curse of Brandon Jackson rear its ugly head for another year.

7. Revenge of the Sith - The biggest "X-Factor" heading into 2011 is without a doubt Revenge. We don't feel comfortable pegging them to make the Playoffs this year since they're 0-3 after three attempts, but their ascending status among the League Elites is undeniable. Next year they boast the projected keepers of Tom Brady and Chris Johnson, unless they want to double-up the RB's and keep RunDMC over Mr. Bunschen. This could be the classic 'buy low, sell high' opportunity for aggressive investors.

6. Grossman Sachs - Projected Keepers Mike Vick and Rashad "keep truthin'" Mendenhall make a formidable twosome. If they can keep their transhumanist world domination ambitions in check, Grossman could be in line for a huge 2011.

5. Vixkennel - Last year's Champ will have a Bulleye on their back in 2011. After an embarrassing 6-7 regular season, the Kennel trampled over League Elites en route to a controversial title that reeked of a deal with the Devil. The Kennel's well known associations with various occultic TV personalities lends credence to this, but projected keepers Ray Rice and Philip Rivers may be enough to win a second title without an assist from Baphomet.

4. el mundo/psychdog - The 2009 Champs are already off to a good start in '11 with Arian Foster and Jamaal Charles leading the charge. If you're looking for a safe bet, pick el mundo to make a 4th consecutive Playoff appearance. The vanquished fmr. Commish has a lot to prove following an early exit last year.

3. BldgDwllngThnkng - Last year's Preseason #1 met expectations with aplomb by securing the valuable Wilc Card Bye. However, BDT was inexplicably blown out in the Final Four by the Kennel, surely motivating them even more in 2011. We'd consider picking them higher but their expected keepers aren't really all that impressive (Romo and M. Austin). Sure, they could keep Hillis and/or Michael Turner, but neither forecast 2011 dominance either.

2. Phat Girlz - Being 0-2 in Title Games can't sit well with the Phat Girlz. What's more, after losing in the Final Game in 2008, the Girlz imploded to the tune of a two-win season. We don't forecast a repeat of that this year, with the likes of MJD and Roddy White staying on for another year. But until the Girlz can show the resolve of a Champion, we think Preseason #2 is a fair spot for one of the League's Greats.

1. Int'l Necronauts - Shock pick atop the Preseason Power Rankings, but you're urged to take a closer look. The Necronauts have the best 1-2 keeper punch with Adrian Peterson and Calvin Johnson, two players certain to have big years in 2011. What's more is that the Necronauts have improved steadily in each of their first two seasons. They have above average liquidity, solid leadership, and a whole lot less baggage than all of the Old School teams. We think they have potential to catch lightning in a bottle in 2011 and join the Pantheon of League Legends in 2011. Time will tell...

Fantasy Football Replacement Tournament: Round 1 - Darts vs. Gaelic Football

Darts - This gentlemen to the left is Simon Whitlock, last year's international darts champion, and as you may infer from his haircut, an Australian. The man to the right is Ted Hankey, who styles himself "The Count."

Pro(s)
- Game can be played while drinking. -Non-American cheerleaders keep mouths shut because of bad teeth.
-Wrestling style characters and introductions.

Con - Fantasy game requires meth to be interesting.


Gaelic Football - a combination of rugby, soccer, volleyball, basketball Gaelic football is played on a soccer field with goals and uprights above them. Players can "solo" the ball through the uprights for one point, or attempt to beat the goalie for three points. You can carry the ball as long as you dribble every three steps, and tackle with your shoulders and elbows, and do almost anything while possessing the ball. Passing is typically accomplished by punching the ball with a closed fist. Confused yet? Did I mention there are jump balls?

Pro
-non professional blood sport.
-variety of statistics

Con - Irish.

Sources: HBO, el mundo talk camp series

El mundo pequeno is the leading candidate to be the next team featured on HBO's "Hard Knocks", according to two sources with close knowledge of the negotiations. The hugely popular show has shown NFL teams during trainings camp over the last six summers. The sources said el mundo, HBO producers, and NFL Films, which produces the series, have had talks about this season's version, the first to feature a fantasy football team, as players are currently locked out in a labor dispute. There is no word on how the show will proceed filming a fantasy team as opposed to a real one. However, looking into the mind of a fantasy draft guru in the weeks leading to the fantasy draft is a good bet. Also, motivational speeches on how to lead a primordial existence through fantasy sports in the shadow of das Abendland is likely to be featured. El mundo is seeking attention after a surprising first round exit in the 2011 Playoffs. El mundo's GM is known for his outgoing personality and could be a natural fit following the gregarious and imminently quotable Rex Ryan. Appearing on the show could also help el mundo market young keeper studs like running back Arian Foster and running back Jamaal Charles. El mundo hosts training camp in an Avondale treehouse, their team facility that is located a few blocks from Jacksonville Municipal Stadium.

Projected Keeper Players 2011

The Projected Keeper Players for the 2011 PSAS are:

SF Ferries 1. Andre Johnson 2. Peyton Manning Revenge of the Sith 1. Chris Johnson 2. Tom Brady Vixkennel 1. Ray Rice 2. Philip Rivers Int'l Necronauts 1. Adrian Peterson 2. Calvin Johnson Grossman Sachs 1. Mike Vick 2. Rashard Mendenhall Phat Girlz 1. MJD 2. Roddy White Skins All the Way 1. LeSean McCoy 2. Larry Fitzgerald tPB 1. Aaron Rogers 2. Reggie Wayne Trichotillo 1. Frank Gore 2. Hakeem Nicks * el mundo 1. Jamaal Charles 2. Arian Foster * already announced at National Signing Day press conference Thanatoids 1. Drew Brees 2. Steven Jackson BDT 1. Tony Romo 2. Miles Austin

David Wright Refuses to Play for PSAS Reserve Currency

Although we are only a couple days into our inaugural PSAS baseball season, GrossmanSachs already finds themselves embroiled in controversy. We knew when we drafted David Wright that we may have some financial issues, as Mr. Wright is currently owed over 360 Billion dollars from his previous franchise, the New York Mets. While Wright's contract would only owe him less than 100 million, apparently he'd been making loans to the Wilpon family for the past 23 years. Now that the Mets-as-money-laundering-operation scheme has been exposed, the Wilpons would only trade Wright if the new owner would assume their enormous debt to the third baseman.

GrossmanSachs' initial offer of Zimbabwean currency (a tactic first used by Bu1ld1ngDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng in last year's football season, in order to pay off massive debts from Peyton Hillis's insatiable Pachinko habit) was rejected by Wright with the Twitter post: "Zmbwe$? N-O SCUM! Pnutz wrth mre!" GrossmanSachs responded with their own tweet from CEO Rex Grossman: "LCKMYBALZ DW! $=$ F-IT... I going d33p!"

Security camera footage reveals Peyton Hillis celebrating his projected Keeper-Status by losing 45 Billion American Dollars in three hours in Cleveland's Little Tokyo District

While Grossman's cryptic response puzzled many, insiders at GrossmanSachs knew he meant he's going deep into the Scum Detector, where he'll be "locked in" trying to assess David Wright's Scum Quotient.

The Scum Detector was fairly easy for Grossman to build, after cutting his teeth building the particle supercollider last year

The Scum Detector has only become operational in the past week, due to several delays from internal saboteurs (most suspect Prescott Bush IV and Medussa Rothschild). In the past week, Grossman has outed several board members of GrossmanSachs and most owners in the PSAS league as high-grade scum. "Look at the standings," Grossman noted, while eating three chic-fil-A sandwiches stacked atop each other. "SF Ferries?! They've been chemtrailing our practice facility for months. BDT, c'mon, do I really need to go into specifics? Codex Magica, okay, the dog seems alright to me, but gimme a break, if scum were measured in feet they'd be Everest, m'kay? Oh, and also TBD is a gator fan, which is cool for me and all, but that made the Scum Detector nearly blow up from such high levels."

Grossman did not like what he saw when he looked closer into Wright's background from inside the Scum Detector. "Um, well, first off, he dates hot chicks, that's strike one right there. Know who else dated hot chicks? Me, in college, when I was gator scum. Number two, and this is harder to prove unless you have the omnipotent eye of the detector, he and Jose Reyes have been running drugs OUT OF THE COUNTRY. Are you kidding me? We could smoke/shoot/drop those! And number three, I'm pretty sure he killed Mark Madoff in order to cover up his own role in the money laundering operation. So, would I give him any of our own Gold and Time backed Bankerbucks? Absolutely not, but I will give him some BSPSAS reserve currency or some of this fiat toilet paper I've been wiping my ass with for the past seven hours."

Rex Grossman goes through 17 rolls of fiat currency per day

Wright immediately responded with the following tweet: "if thy pay PSAS$, I'll SCK EVN MRE THN NOW!!!" GrossmanSachs has not formally responded to the tweet, but they did change their Corporate Motto from "Dying Right Here is Strictly Prohibited" to "Kalimah Shuk Ta Tey!" which strongly points to Miguel Cabrera sacrificing Wright for the positive vibes it would bring.