WOPR Retired for 2013 Season - SETEC Astronomy Named Primary Vendor

Southern Maine
September, 5th 2013

SETEC Astronomy has been named The Pelican Brief's official super computer for the 2013 season.  SETEC Astronomy's "black box" replaces WOPR as the day to day team manager.  WOPR served The Pelican Brief well over the course of two seasons but an unstable version of the Hot Cheetos and Takis OS led to a full system crash during last week's auction draft.  As a result three quarterbacks and two kickers were "auto" drafted by WOPR.  PB Owner Shaun Boyle re-took control of his team after the draft and then executed a historic number of blockbuster trades.  The resulting team is amongst the greatest the league has ever seen.

SETEC Astronomy "Black Box"

Romo Generator Shut Down By Commish! -- UPDATE -- ALLOWED!

** UPDATE ** The trade has been allowed, even though Tony Romo is clearly better than Roethlisberger. Two reasons why the trade was allowed:

1. Pelican Brief management was of a sound mind and body at the time of the trade (allegedly)
2. By law of averages Romo is far more likely to rape someone this season than Berger, and therefore is an extreme liability.

The Return of the Casino Gulag Games

GrossmanSachs proudly announces the return of the Casino Gulag Games! Time is short, so let's keep this brief. This week's games are FREE FREE FREE! 

I'm so excited to play these games that I can no longer walk!

Here's how this works. Two games will be played this week. The winner of each game will be awarded 15 bankerbucks to be used as you see fit on the waiver wire!

Both games are oldies but goodies, so let's start the games!

Teasing Stallion - This is awarded to player who gains the most yards (running + receiving, not returning) without scoring a touchdown. All you have to do is name a player, and if he has the most yards without a TD out of all the other players selected, you win 15 bankerbucks! In honor of Mike Alstott and John Kuhn, the OG TD Vultures who made Teasing Stallion possible, if you choose the winner, and a white guy on his team scored, you get an extra 5 bankerbucks!

Tackling Machine - Pick an individual defensive player who you think will record the most SOLO tackles this week. Whoever picks the player with the most SOLO tackles among those selected wins 15 bankerbucks! That's it! It's that simple! Why are you still reading this? Go do a tiny bit of goddamn research and get out there and win win win! Honestly, now I'm just adding some extra text so that the formatting next to this picture looks good! It's that easy!

To play, reply to this post, include your team name and you one offensive player pick for Teasing Stallion, and your one defensive player pick for Tackling Machine. All ties split the reward.

Last year's smash-hit PSAS Stock Market will return in week 4, as the bankers need a few weeks research time to set market prices.

Skoolz Out

In a startling move, GrossmanSachs has dissolved the Eleatic and Milesean schools, to yield a division-free PSAS. Details are sketchy, but by sheer luck of the G0dz, Glenn Greenwald was accidentally CC'd on internal emails discussing the switch.

From: Augustus Bush IV (wevegotbush!@grossmansachs.gov)
To: Medussa Rothschild (realeyesrealizereallies@grossmansachs.gov)
CC: Glenn Greenwald (ggreenwald@guardian.uk)
Date: 9/03/2013, 11:59 am

Sup, sugarsnatch? That Peruvian face we had last night was delicious, amirite? Next time, I'll remember the damn steak sauce, that was my bad.

P.S. How's that whole Global Unifuckation thing doing?


From: Medussa Rothschild (realeyesrealizereallies@grossmansachs.gov)
To: Augustus Bush IV (wevegotbush!@grossmansachs.gov)
CC: Glenn Greenwald (ggreenwald@guardian.uk)
Date: 9/03/2013, 12.18 pm

Just chillin, TriBall. Dinner was great, but if you're going to have face, Adolpho's dry rub is really the only way to have it. The Global Unification plan has hit a bit of a snag. I'm not sure the other slaveorgz are gonna go for it. They seem pretty caught up on their divisions, or "schools" as they hilariously call them.


From: Augustus Bush IV (wevegotbush!@grossmansachs.gov)
To: Medussa Rothschild (realeyesrealizereallies@grossmansachs.gov)
CC: Glenn Greenwald (ggreenwald@guardian.uk)
Date: 9/03/2013, 4:28 pm

Sorry for the delayed response, me and Hillary were riding the snake and she couldn't find her mask forever. I did just have an epifany, tho. Why not just say the scheduling was super fuckin hard or some shit. Like, with two divisions, and an odd (is seven odd? I never got that shit right) number of teamz in each division, it would be like, super hard to custom schedule every team playing every other team. You goin to Cheneyz l8r? I think Saddam is back in town, so we can get flip cup revenge!


From: Medussa Rothschild (realeyesrealizereallies@grossmansachs.gov)
To: Augustus Bush IV (wevegotbush!@grossmansachs.gov)
CC: Glenn Greenwald (ggreenwald@guardian.uk)
Date: 9/03/2013, 4:37 pm

My G0dz, you are as you're as brilliant as your are hung. Speak a word of this to nobody. Especially not Greenwald (winkwink).

Week 1 Power Rankings

Change is the true constant in the universe as in fantasy football.  A new year, new expansion teams, new rules, a new commissioner.  Defending Champion BDT has been to both of the last two championships.  2/3rds of the playoff spots were repeats in 2012.  Will the changes usher in new blood to the presence of the gods, or crush the defeated even further underground? 


1. BuildingDwellingThinking - The German Philosophers spent early for two premiums in hometown hero Dez Bryant and former employee Ray Rice - comprising more than half their budget.  Their loans are hedged against those two blue chips.  Frank the Tank is dependable as they come but chucking down $48 is a gamble and handcuffed BDT down the draft line.  Finley is nice at $6, but Leshoure and Amendola are far from sure things.  Super Bowl MVP Flacco will man the helm for the fair price of $1, offering potential double titration with TD passes to Rice.

2. Grossman Sachs - all in with somewhere to be, the Sachs went heavy and picked up two of the first three picks taken.  None other than AP and Arian.  Two better bets at RB you will not find this preseason. The price tag for those two $135. The only other player to break double digits for them was a spend down on Patrick Willis with their last pick.  PUP Harvin cost only $3, but they'll need to survive until he's back.  They'll do it with a brace of mid-range names - Romo, Greene, Ingram.  Witten will be a key.  Double doses from Romo will start to pay down the Bankers playoff debt.

3. Trichs - The Hair-Pullers went early for MJD, coming off the tricky Linsfranc injury and paid list price at 48, Ridley and Run DMC round out a potentially lethal 3 back attack, if they can stay on the field.  Big if.  The Trichs paid a serious premium for The Keeper-nick and their season will rise and fall on his ability to hang with big passers. Ivory is the mystery man, could provide serious value for $6 if has enough of a role in NY.  Boldin would be a nice double titration in San Fran, but the aerials are otherwise underwhelming.  The Trichs are going to let their legs carry them to the playoffs this time around. 

4. SanFranciscoFerries - the Proxy gave a true San Francisco treat this season with a pretty well-rounded showing.  They'll take off with a young QB (Wilson).  A RB1 in Morris, an RB2 in Bush and a couple young backs with a chance at a starting jobs in Lacy and Ballard. With Gronk on the shelf and no pass game to speak of, the Ferries may have to trade for some aerial production, but they have plenty of bait to dangle.

5. Pelican Brief - the Legal Eagles are the league's deal makers and this season they'll be Flipping Maine.  They got started early selling RGIII ($13) and Woodhead ($1) for CJ?K ($55).  CJ will fill a major hole as the Pelicans left the ground bare to try and corner the QB market. Presumably Brady or Manning will helm the Pelicans throwing to Welker/Cobb/Nicks.  Two premier defenses are also in the Brief's back pocket, so the deals ain't done yet.

6. PrimordialLifestyles - the Stylez strategy was for keeper youth taking the Muscle Hamster and T-Rich, two of the youngest top 10 RBs.  Demarius cost $40 with their first pick and needs to repeat last year and be a true top 5 wide-out to float PL here.  Everyone else is priced to move.  Tate provides superlative upside for $2.  Schaub for a buck ain't bad. The handcuff strategy we've seen the Stylez employ in former years is in full swing here.  A hit on Hunter or Redman could be a game-changer with a bare 14 team
wire.

7. TakingTigerMountain - the Tigers ripped a few pages out of old playbooks for a 2013 mash up.  Back are Breesus and Jimmer who manhandled the 2011 season for the Mountain.  When those two connected the Tigers never lost and they're clearly banking on a similar connection this year.  It is Spiller who fill the Tiger's tank this year though.  An afterthought who took them to the playoffs last year, this year expectations are RB1 and beyond.   Wallace and Brown man a wing-and-a-prayer wideout game. And Austin and Bradshaw will jockey for flex.

8. Aethernauts - the Nauts float into the season looking for another hot start.  The name of the game is ground attack rather than air power this year.  The explorers took Lynch M0b and (yet to play a full season) Murray.  Newton mans the helm with the potential of double titration with Steve Smith.  Could a true top 10 year for Colston raise the Aethernauts to heights unseen?

9. Phat Girlz - Monique's franchise was patient to say the least in the draft, waiting until pick 33 to plunk down 36 for Lamar Miller.  Predictably the Phat Ones threw their weight around after that taking David Wilson and Darren Sproles within two picks of each other to fill out the stable.  Next highest paid is Stafford at QB, not precisely a bargain at $22, but the Girlz could pay to play.  Whether they trust him is another matter as they grabbed two cheap back-ups in Palmer and Freeman.  Underwhelming WR2s in Garcon and Bowe need to step up a tier to provide adequate aerial coverage.  Two quality defenses in Denver and Houston will be hard to hold onto once the season gets going.  Tate is still the league's best handcuff and $3 was a good get, if Foster's durability is a headline this year the Girlz will climb the rankings quickly. 

10. Homespun Neckbloodz - The Spinners nabbed Forte ($55) and Stephen Jackson ($42) as their workhorses with middling upside.  Andre Johnson and Vincent Jackson could provide elite air attack if they can keep healthy.  The Bloodz hope Mendy has enough in the tank to make a run at flex, but the real question here is QB.  Homespun got Cutler and Dalton out of the give-a-penny-take-a-penny cup, so expect production from the gun to be a soft spot here.  They picked up some recognizable names but there's plenty of wear and tear on those bones - the Spinners need a payoff from handcuffs Bell or Michael to provide fresh blood for the Cyclotron.

11. TuskenRaiders - the Sand People went out and nabbed three big names early on.  And they account for more than 75% of the budget.  If the Tuskens are to return to the playoffs it'll be largely thanks to WR1 Julio Jones, RB1 Jamaal Charles and CJ?k.  Bargain bins like QB Bradford and WR D-Jacks will man the other spots.  The Raiders have some big scorers, but they'll need some unexpected production to compete at the highest level. (Update, the Tusken FC took RGIII and Woodhead for CJ and will gamble on a new knee in the Nation's Capital.)

12. Polk High Panthers - Polk High must be in Atlanta because the Panthers elected to take the largest number of players from a single team, taking five position Falcons including Ryan and Gonzales.  Good days for the Peach State will bring rain for the Panthers.  The aerial work will get done with two WR1 Megatron and Green, arguably the two best WR in the game. The cost for that is an anemic run game with the Law Firm of BJGE and Turner Underdrive. 

13. Goslings - Lesean McCoy was #2 on a lot of draft boards, and the Pretty Boys managed to pay market value for him ($59 with the tenth pick).  They'll hope for a repeat of last year and that rumors of a Philly resurgence are substantial.  $35 for Roddy White is a little harder to stomach for the second choice in a powerful offense.  They'll look to double up with the Luck-Wayne connection.  Bell will eat up a roster spot on the bench while he heals, and Ball needs to step up and take the RB1 in Denver or risk a timeshare.  Nelson is dinged up already, so health concerns will keep cap confidence in the expansion Baby Birds for now.

14. Dijonaise All Stars - Col. Mustard and company will start growing their seedling into an championship tree with A-Rodg under center and three high end wide-outs with Marshall, Cruz and Fitzy.  They'll start small on the ground with preseason buzz man Bernard and a pair of handcuffs.  They'll need another MVP season from Rodgers to see the playoffs without trade or wire gold.

BREAKING: Reserve Chairman Exiled, Commissioner Resigns in Wake of Coup

Weeks of demonstrations forced El-Beni to act

The protest dog was immediately signed by Jay-Z's agency

PSAS Reserve Chairman Hermodorus has been forced to flee the polis by a military coup following weeks of demonstrations.  Early indications have placed the exiled Chairman near the West coast in a desolate mountainous region.  Although no formal announcement has been made, it is believed that the San Francisco Ferries will offer Hermodorus asylum in the Sierra Nevada riverlands.

An artists impression of the wild lands

Banks react to the coup

An address on state television by Grossman Sachs general El-Beni indicated that Chairman Hermodorus had acted against democratic principles by becoming a preeminent above his fellow citizens - a man apart.  The Reserve Chairman was widely assumed to have been the force behind the King's County Club, the oligarchy fronted by Commissioner Arbiter. Hermodorus' absence made immediate waves as the commissioner agreed to step down in lieu of exile.  In his first dictates from the Commissioner's office the Grossman Sachs general dissolved the unpopular "secret keeper" league, planned by the previous administration, and called for an auction draft within five weeks.  In addition his statement hinted that new teams may be enfranchised for the first time in years.
 

An undated dispatch of the exiled Hermodorus

Ephesian fluxists celebrated  the military's broadcast with riotous  bacchanals , while Eleatic hardliners remained locked in their traditional strongholds.  "The Ephesians should go hang themselves" one loyalist quipped along the barricades "and leave their city to boys, for they banished Hermodorus, first among them."

What the so called Ionian Summer portends for the economy of the PSAS remains to be seen.  El-Beni promises a return to a so-called banker-byte economy, but early details are sketchy at best. 

Kaleo

You sit in a smokey Jazz club in New York City, wondering just what you are doing here, where you are going, and where you've been. A thin man with a receding hairline leans back and with a knowing smile says, "Hey, man, I just press the keys." At first this sounds funny, like a line from a children's cartoon, a giant cat saying, "Hey, man, I just press the keys." But it keeps circling and slamming in your head like a pair of cowboys boots in a dryer, rising with great effort and falling with none at all. It slows and eventually stops. I just press the keys. You've only been pressing the keys, blindly wandering through your meaningless existence, always knowing but never acknowledging that there is an entire other world tucked in the alleyways and storm drains of your consciousness. Before the man speaks you know what he is going to say-- four syllables that are as familiar as post-masturbatory apathy and twice as haunting. Fidelio. 

A Chipotle chicken burrito uncomfortably turns in your stomach as you contemplate what you must do. Am I ready? Will they all laugh at me? Will I understand the waiver system? A beautiful African-American waitress named Mandy puts a Moscow Mule in front of you, and raises an approving eyebrow at your disturbingly large erection. It's welcome here, but it cannot open a tab. You didn't order the mule, and aren't positive that you aren't allergic to ginger, but still you swig, and your tongue and inner cheeks sizzle in sweet appreciation. The man sitting across from you is gone, and so is the Jazz band. Now, an elderly Hawaiian woman plays a Ukelele and sings a cover of Alice Cooper's "Poison." Your throat seizes and everything is clear. You are allergic to ginger. 

"Hey. Hey, this is you." You open your eyes and see a middle-aged Indian man in a headdress with his fingers in your face. "This is you." Is this me? Are you you? Blinking doesn't bring about its normal clarity and the world refuses to come into focus. The Indian's fingers snap in your face, and you suddenly have better vision than ever before. Just to test it you look at the cab driver's information four feet away from you, and without strain, read the minuscule print saying that his name is Ashram Vishnu and he lives at 33 Atharva Veda Blvd in the Bronx. "This is you." 

You look into your wallet and see that it is empty. Outside the door is a giant gate, and a mansion barely visible a hundred yards behind it. You show the driver your empty wallet; he waives it off and shows that you have already paid him with half a hundred dollar bill. The other half sits in the jacket pocket of your suit, a suit you are quite certain you've never owned. When you open the door to leave the cab, Ashram says, "Wait. Your bag." You're bag? Your bag. This is you. 

The bag contains a long black cloak and a wooden mask. You turn the mask over in your hands, feeling the contours of its grain, instantly knowing its thousands of years of life, and hearing the scream of its tumultuous end. The face is that of bearded vagary, classic in style. It is a face on antiquity, of knowledge, and sorrow. It is the face of a Pre-Socratic All-Star, and it's eyes are your eyes. This is you. You put the mask on and exit the cab, pressing your hands together and thanking Ashram, he returns the valediction.

The cab rolls silently off into the night (could it have been electric?), as you walk up to the massive gate. Two masked men, open the gate with a bow. Their faces are those of Greek slaves, hungry and trusting, thankful and somehow accusatory. You silently pass them and glide up the driveway to the Mansion. The sounds of the wild night envelop you-- the crickets and frogs, the wind through the trees and the trickling of a nearby stream. You remember a dream you once had. You were the captain of a great ship, amidst a horrific storm. Your men cried for your help as the G0dz effortlessly flung them off mast and deck. One-by-one you would order new charges up from below deck. "BenJarvus Green-Ellis! This is you! Don't fight the storm, be the storm!" BenJarvus valiantly tied his dreadlocks in a ponytail and grabbed a rope. He had barely pulled five yards of it when a giant squid plucked him off the ship and drowned him in the water. As the casualties mounted, and the ship seemed destined for the bottom of the ocean, you mustered all your strength, harkening back to a primal power unknown for generations, and bellowed, "Get me Johnny Knox!" You awoke just as the snapped mast came plunging into your skull.

The sounds of the night are gone. Your heartbeat fills the emptiness and grows deafeningly loud, while you creep toward a giant double door illuminated by a solitary oil lamp. A bald butler in a tuxedo stands below the light with his hands clasped in an x-formation over his crotch. Is it Anthony Hopkins? When your eyes meet his own, you see they are old but tireless, a monument to perseverance like the unconscionably grey photos of families watching a sandstorm where their crops once grew. As you near the front door you can make out some sounds from inside the mansion-- a symphony of screams, animal, human, and otherwise, garbage cans smashing through glass tables, a drunken man outlining the SEC's dominance of college football as a logical remnant of slavery, and a deep, surely too deep you think, and slow, unnervingly slow, rendition of Regulate by Warren G rhythmically thumping through the walls like the death rattle of a million-year spin of Fortuna's Wheel. The oil lamp abruptly flickers out. The man in the tuxedo is now only lit by moonlight, but with your recently blossomed vision you can barely make out that he now wears the head of Blue, the Indianapolis Colts mascot. He slowly bows and asks, "What, aspiring Pre-Socratic All-Star, is the password?"