BREAKING: Grossman Sachs revealed as Dangerous Anarcho-Transhumanist, Seeks to Genetically Re-Engineer League

A world full of happiness is not beyond human power to create: the obstacles imposed by inanimate nature are not insuperable. The real obstacles lie in the heart of man.

Bertrand Russell

Dream not that men will move their little finger to serve you, unless their advantage in so doing be obvious to them. Men never did so, and never will, while human nature is made of its present materials.

Jeremy Bentham

Reason can master our genes. Peter Singer

So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing.

George Orwell

Dying here is strictly forbidden – Grossman Sachs

Do you see a similarity between all these thinkers? If not, I urge you to pay close attention because a new spectre of danger now looms over the league and threatens to destroy it from within. The most dangerous of all ideas has now gained a foothold in the League and it will stop at nothing until total destruction of the pre-Socratic ideals we hold so pure. Reports are circulating within the Kremlin that the PSAS’s own Grossman Sachs has been revealed as an anarcho-transhumanists: the ultimate synthesis of evil.

Anarcho-transhumanism is an adaptation of anarchist ideals (anti-hierarchy, anti-repression, anti-restriction) to the tenets of the Transhumanist movement in cultural, intellectual and political spheres.

It seeks for the liberation of humanity from repression and restrictions through the technological and scientific enhancement of humanity and human actions.

Political Freedom: Against the tyranny of government.

Economic Freedom: Against the tyranny of capitalism.

Biological Freedom: Against the tyranny of genes.

This extremely insidious idea envisions a future ruled by a single dictator, a god . . . the Big Bank. Just as the Communists were controlled by Goldman Sachs and the Nazis by George Bush’s grandfather, so too will the ascending transhumanists be controlled by the financial powers. If they have their way, the PSAS will be ruled by Grossman Sachs.

There will be no government tyranny because there will be no government, only the Big Bank. There will be no capitalism because the Big Bank will own all the money. There will be no tyranny of genes, because Grossman Sachs will re-engineer you – You, the lowly neo-feudal serf - to play fantasy football the way Grossman Sachs wants you to. This is deadly serious.

The most striking feature of this technological revolution are social robots, machines with artificial intelligence, and with which we will have emotional and even intimate interactions. A robot might be a more effective fantasy participant and a better person than the humans we actually have in our League. 'Just as you can see dog owners talking to their pets today, soon we will be talking to robots and watching NFL RedZone with them’ says Professor López Peláez.

One of the more disconcerting predictions is “the insertion of robots into our bodies, such as intelligent implants in the brain, which will supposedly improve our rational thought when making sit/start decisions.

If this seems a little too sci-fi, consider the following mundane advances in 2008 alone: various robots that can not only vacuum a room (Roomba), but cook food, greet a person at the door, fetch things, or just listen if you are lonely; pets (hamsters, dogs, lions, tigers, and various bears – oh my!), plants, dolls that show emotion depending on how they are treated, fish, robots designed to help teach autistic persons and more.

The technological revolution that will re-shape humanity and our world is well underway. A cacophony of crises, both real and manufactured, are being heralded as birth pangs of a new fantasy order. Some analysts say that we can no more fathom the political, technological, and social world that will emerge as "…chimpanzees in the forest can comprehend what goes on among humans in a nearby village."

The larger question of whether this ability will lead to a League of “two very separate classes of fantasy teams: those who can afford genetic enhancements for improved fantasy performance and those who cannot is not an empty one.

The elite fantasy football organizations already have a quality of life far beyond us mere mortals, but they have worked studiously on their multi-generational plan to create a neo-feudalist society by way of savvy drafting and free agent acquisitions. They are obsessed with the scientific outlook, genetics, are very careful to keep their genetic lines “pure” from the rest of us rabble and fund much of the genetics research with their FAAB budgets. Transhumanism is appealing to them because it has the potential to not only make them smarter, healthier and more dominant fantasy players, but with genetic engineering to make them more even more beautiful, too.

It seems as if we are being genetically engineered by Grossman Sachs, so to speak, without our knowledge or consent. After all, "Dying here is strictly prohibited" as Grossman Sachs gleefully taunts us with. An unhealthy and ‘dim-witted’ fantasy football league is much easier to enslave and control, which is part of the elite’s plan for their New PSAS Order. While we cannot affect the technological and robotic advancements we must choose not to let the “genetic evolution” prediction occur, but it will take a concerted effort and determination. Our freedom, health, and genetic integrity of the League are at stake.

WEEK 10 POWER RANKINGS

1. Phat Girlz - (LW - 2) The Girls got their act together in a big way against BDT. H8rs to the back, they seemed to proclaim as three players went over 20 and the Girls held on to the Eleatic lead in what looked like a tough week for them. Tyler Perry presents you with a signed poster of For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf.

Next Week - JGPB - The PG need to keep charging ahead with EMP right on their asses. The Pelicans have their backs to the wall, so don't expect them to be wowed by the Girls' elect status.

2. BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng (LW-1) BDT could have taken control of the #1 seed with a win against the Girls, but it was not to be. BDT suffered mightily from some mis-picks, leaving upwards of 30 points on its bench, but still the chips were not in their favor this week. Still, with a Pelicans loss, the Gerunds maintain control of the Milesian, and hence the #2 seed in the playoffs. There are still a whole mess of questions surrounding BDT's consistent point scoring ability, but with Colston back next week, their WR corps at least should look a little more turgid. Bloody marys: unless you regularly drink a quart of tomato juice, switching to another drink is recommended after the 1:00 games.

Next Week - Trichs - The Gerunds get a look at a playoff blue-blood in the Trichs and need to keep playing for their playoff lives, as a drop to a wildcard might mean an early exit for this squad.

3. el mundo pequeño (LW-3) - You just can't say enough about this little Florida squad that has outplayed the rest of the league in the last two weeks. The only question remaining at this point is whether PG will slip up and give the Little Worlders a shot at the Eleatic and a bye. The Rothlisburger/Wallace combination looked brilliant and along with Charles at RB covered for some otherwise almost-human performances. It may be worth noting that despite this team's clear disdain for the Thanatoid's administration they've had nothing but success since abandoning the office of tyrant.

Next Week - Ferries - EMP needs to stay sharp and avoid an upset against one of the league's proletarians. The Ferries got burned on waiver rules last week, and no doubt would love to tear the ex-comish a new one of San Francisco's favorite orifice.

4. ThePelicanBrief - (LW - 4) The Pelicans became the latest victim of the surging Necronauts this weekend after a late surge by DJAX left them still 20 pts in the red. Probably nobody is happier to see the end of the bye-week than JGPB, who've been under .500 since it started. They've still got prime position to enter the playoffs at 6-4 and only a game out in the Milesian.

Next Week - Girls - JGPB will have Rogers back and maybe the extra day will help Gates back onto the field, without his advantage at TE, the Pelicans usually need someone to pull double duty to keep up.

5. Int'l Necronauts (LW -7) - The Dead Sailors put up another impressive win (three straight over 100) and now have a share in the league's longest winning streak at 3. I'm not going to research it, but I'm willing to bet it's been a while since this team has graced the power-rankings at this height. With the Ephesian as chaotic as ever the Nauts couldn't have picked a better time to get hot. They'll need to stick it to the Sith in Week 12 to even their division record but, first things first...

Next Week - Skins - The Nauts could pull over .500 for the first time this season with a win over the Skins. Has one of the league dark horses become a wild card favorite?

6. Trichotillomaniacs (LW - 8) The Trichs were the beneficiaries of some bad luck by the Ferries' calendar department, but week to week in this league luck is a big part of things. So, the newly lucky Trichs will pull into a three-way tie for the Ephesian division. The Hair Pullers may need more than luck to stay in the Ephesian's top spot, however.

Next Week - BDT - Even the early projections for this one look like a barn burner.

7. Vickskennel.com (LW-5) - Vicks was one of several teams "raped" by the First-game-of-the-week-rule. Still, on a larger scale, this was only the latest moment in the leavening of the Ephesian chaff and the collapse of the wheat derivative market for complex metaphors, this once proud division is now home to three 5-5 teams. Rape comes from the latin rapere "to seize." Should anybody feel so aroused the division (and the 3rd seed) is still begging to be so seized.

Next Week - Sachs - The Dogs and Bankers are both teams on the edge. Neither can afford a loss. That's why it's next week's MATCH-UP OF THE WEEK.

8. GrossmanSachs (LW-5) The Sachs took a big step backward by dropping to back to .500 with a loss to the Sith. Hidden by their opponent's league-leading production, was the Sach's own sub-par performance, also known as the 'toids excuse. A ridiculous 49 by Vick accounted for more than 1/3 or their total points, nearly half if you count Maclin's WR pts. You can't expect to make the playoffs, unless you can score 90 week in and week out - then again, Vick and Maclin might do just that next week against the Giants.

Next Week - Vicks - Elimination Island, one team will still contend, one team will likely be in consolation bye territory. MATCH-UP OF THE WEEK

9.Revenge of the Sith (LW-9) The Sith are the Joker of this year's deck. Week to week, there's absolutely no telling where they'll score. 135 against the Sachs this week Now that the byes are over, we'll see if they can keep telling 100+ pt. joke. He who laughs last, etc...

Next Week - Thanatoids - The Sith may need some help to get into the wildcard, but they can do themselves a favor by breaking 100 and putting this basement dweller back in the 12 hole.

10. SanFranciscoFerries - (LW-10) It's not been a very good year for the Ferries, but with so much talent on their squad they need to be looking toward the consolation tournament and next year, they can't afford to linger in the bottom quarter of the league, they need a consolation bye to ensure a top draft pick next year.

Next Week - EMP - The Heartbreak kids may not want to promise any cancer ridden orphans that they're going to win this game, unless they aren't expected to last until the outcome. Still, with several recovering stars on the bench it's difficult to gauge how much of a sleeper the Ferries could be.

T. 11. Skins All The Way (LW- 11) - The Skins finally fulfilled the 'Toids dreams of sub 100 scoring in week 10. Still there's no reason to hang their heads, there's plenty of season left yet, in the consolation tournament. Riggins sends you some smooth encouragement from 1982.

Next Week - Nauts - The Skins can start playing spoiler by pulling the Nauts down to earth next week, with bye weeks over they should have their A team on the field.

T. 11. The Thanatoids (LW-12) - The Toids picked up a crucial win just in time for their owner's birthday. Self-respect is the new motto of this franchise, which made the playoffs in its maiden voyage last year, but still has plenty to play for this year in the consolation tourney. Finishing against EMP and Pelican Brief, the lowly 'Toids are in position to be kingmakers.

Next Week - Sith - A glance at a points-scored comparison should put this one out of Vegas' interest, but the 'toids have been better in recent weeks, averaging 104 in the last two games. They may need more than that to hang with the Sith, but the little deadish ones have plucked more unlikely victories than this, this year.

BREAKING: New Power Grab Further Undermines the Establishment, Foreshadows Impending Revolution

For anyone reading these words, it is vitally important that you come to the realization of this most crucial fact of your life…A once great League is about to fall, and its owners have only themselves to blame!

Where the PSAS now stands she has stood many times before where the forces pitting its franchises against one another in titanic battles that defined what the League was all about; either a Plutocracy giving all political control of the League over to an oligarchy of the wealthy, or a Republic giving supreme control over the government to its member-franchises.

A former League-member (Codename: “Garrett”), who did not survive the Great Putsch of ’09, took up the populist fight and further warned his fellow owners:

“I am one of those who do not believe that a FAAB is a league blessing, but rather a curse to a republic; inasmuch as it is calculated to raise around the administration a moneyed aristocracy dangerous to the liberties of the League.”

Do you really believe that the German people of the early 1930’s wanted their fantasy futbol league ruled by Adolph Hitler to lead their nation into utter ruin? Do you really believe that the Russian people of the early 1920’s wanted their leagues ruled by the murderous Communists for nearly 80 years? Do you really believe that the Chinese people of the late 1940’s wanted their fantasy sports ruled by a communist dictatorship responsible for killing nearly 100 million of them during its nearly half-century rule?

If you are a PSAS member and you believe any of these things you couldn’t be more wrong!

Today, the League lies in the pincers. To those willing to learn the truth, I urge you to pay close attention. On the one hand, there is the shadow money banking elite class led by PSAS Reserve Chairman BLDGDW3LL1NGTH1NK1NG and his cronies, of which after some brave reporting most league members are now well aware. And on the other side is a new faction (a new threat?) that is developing by way of an organic grassroots campaign: an anti-banking, anti-elitist, anti-establishment fringe whose platform is as radical as it is uncompromising . . . “Waive the waiver”.

Led by the only owner with enough political capital to take on the monied elite, the Phat Girlz stands in diametric opposition to the establishment with a single, powerful message: “We’ve come to take our government back! Tonight there is a waive the waiver tidal wave!”. Recalling Andrew Jackson’s bid to end the 2^nd Bank of the US, the new movement seeks a wholesale repeal and abolition of the debt-backed financial system which has come to define this era of increased spending, widespread regulation, and devalued monies in Year 3 of the PSAS . Their message seems to be that we must not believe that somehow, some benevolent commissioner will take care of us, will save us from ourselves on the waiver wire; that we must once again believe in ourselves to drop/add FA’s without the meddling hands of the government.

At rallies all across the League the Phat Girlz’ message is resonating. One owner echoed the Phat Girlz message by stating: “this setting is lame--it should be changed to Sunday through Tuesday waivers”. Another owner picked up on the discontent but then surprisingly misdirected his anger at the NFL Network, which besides the NFL RedZone is one of the holiest of all entities in the PSAS. Disgruntled PSAS fans soon began holding signs and chanting slogans such as “My neighbor got a sick waiver acquisition, and all I got was his lousy payments” and “Refudiate the Thanatoids” to voice their frustrations at a league which no longer seems to be in touch with the common owner.

Case in point: the League rules. This past Thursday, much of the League was shocked to learn that the PSAS Fed had suspended FA transactions at approximately 8:20 EST on Thursday night, effectively declaring a Bank Holiday through Wednesday morning. With nowhere to turn for K’s, DEF’s, and IDP’s, many teams lost their game and their postseason dreams as the League began downsizing in time for the playoffs. League owners far and wide decried their government for failing them in their time of need. Many organizations wondered aloud how the rules had come to be, to which no one really gave a good answer (“my guess is that because there was already a game last night between ATL and BAL”). Thus, the whole process remained a mystery, which was no consolation to the PSAS fans at these rallies holding flags depicting a coiled snaked with the words, “Don’t titrate on me”.

In less than two weeks in office, the Thanatoids Administration already had a second crisis on its hands. To put this in perspective, imagine if Katrina had happened just days after 9/11. With League discontent reaching an all-time high, an insurrection seemed imminent. In response to the growing upheaval, the Thanatoids urged patience, asserting that it needed more time to correct the horrible mistakes of the previous administration. In a peculiar move, the Thanatoids Administration also seemed to blame league owners themselves for not reading League bylaws: “I would like to point out that it is the responsibility of all players to read and understand the settings as they were set out at the beginning of the season.” This had the effect of making the Thanatoids seem cold, unfeeling, and out of touch. Meanwhile, the Phat Girlz quickly began to rally support for its anti-banking agenda by idealizing the League’s first seasons and its Founding Fathers, “This is no longer the PSAS of my youth.” In one final stinging salvo aimed directly at the power establishment, the Phat Girlz struck to the heart of the conflict between the banking elite and his populist movement by stating, “Some people have jobs with computers that block sports games.” Obviously this remark was directed at the League elites since computers that do not block sports has been their favorite weapon for league domination since ab initio.

Most likely, this controversial League rule was passed in the dead of night by the invisible hands of the special interests which have come to dominate the subversive politics of the League. As one League lobbyist once put it, “Let’s hurry up and pass the League rules, so we can read what’s in them!” Of course, many conspiracy theories abounded as they often do. Some believe that the fmr. Commish had foreknowledge of the impending banking collapse down to the minute, or worse, that the fmr. Commish had engineered the collapse in order to gain a leg up in his quest for 3 straight playoff appearances. In essence, that the fmr. Commish left a ticking time bomb which would discredit the succeeding government. Based on records of the transactions leading up to the 8:20pm EST collapse, which indicate a flurry of activity, one should only dismiss these theories at their own peril.

The new Phat Girlz-led grassroots opposition could not come at a worse time for PSAS Reserve Chairman, BLDGDW3LL1NGTH1NK1NG, appointed by fmr. Commish el mundo but then conspicuously retained by the Thanatoids Administration much like his hero, Larry Summers. Given the whispers of the long-rumoured quantitative easing program meant to aid certain cash-strapped owners through continued implementation of Keynesian economic principles, the Waive the Waiver movement must be defeated if BLDGDW3LL1NGTH1NK1NG is to remain in power. BLDGDW3LL1NGTH1NK1NG lost a golden opportunity to change the hearts and minds of the League when the Phat Girlz gave a royal spanking to BLDGDW3LL1NGTH1NK1NG in last weekend’s games. Almost assuredly BLDGDW3LL1NGTH1NK1NG will now have to resort more secretive means to effect change.

Interestingly, reports out of the Kremlin also indicate that the Thanatoids may be turning against his bankster “masters” by a rumoured appointment of a chief regulator to oversee PSAS’s financial industry, called a “poke in the eye” to the PSAS moneyed elite classes. If these reports are true, BLDGDW3LL1NGTH1NK1NG may have to pump PSAS currency into the Thanatoids opposition to challenge what his cronies call “The Thanatoid’s populist policymaking”. All of this is made even more confusing by the fact that the Phat Girlz may have already been co-opted the old guard conservatives. How else does one explain the populist leader’s PR gaffe, “God damn iPad ruined my aggressive point”. In addition, when pressed why the Phat Girlz were so adamant about their anti-waiver stance when they had just obtained a kicker for over $18,000, thereby allowing them to fill in every roster position for last Sunday’s games, the Phat Girlz GM remained silent.

Of course, most of the League remains blissfully unaware of the incremental changes that are occurring before their very eyes and will determine their futures. They are content to stare mindlessly into the waiver wire, hypnotized by its promises of success and glory only a click of a mouse away. In truth, however, the League lies on a tightrope on the edge of being, and at any time may fall into the abyss without even the slightest opposition from the masses. Dehumanized by the power structures which give them false symbols and false gods, they are asleep although they act as though they are awake.

It is still possible to avoid this nightmare with timely action.

VICK: Coming to a Theatre Near You

Grossman-Sachs is pleased to announce filming is underway for their first feature-length motion picture, VICK.


Chris Rock will play the lead role, though many detractors said he was too old to play America's sweetheart. Fortunately, Oliver Stone brilliantly chose to use footage from Rock's performance as Pookie in New Jack City for most of the protagonist's closeups.

This scene from New Jack City, will be reused during Vick's black-ops training in Mexico City.

Oliver Stone is directing, despite frequent death threats and race-baiting from Spike Lee. Stone said he couldn't be happier about the subject. "To me, this is a classic redemption story very similar to The Count of Monte Cristo, except with football filling in for the swordfighting, and dogfighting equaling love. Vick's a modern day Che Guevara, or maybe an inner-city Mother Theresa. He is to Black America what the Easter Bunny is to my four-year-old daughter."

Grossman-Sachs would like to make it clear, we are producing VICK, not Spike Lee's bandwagon biopic MV7: The Philadelphia Redemption. Though we respect Mr. Lee's work as a groundbreaking minority filmmaker, we disagree with his policy towards minority directors. Mr. Lee recently tweeted: "O STONE dirX V1CK?! WTF?! Tht b like Rchrd Atnborogh dirX Ghandi or SHAMalan dirX Kobe Doin Work! Y Not SoDRBRG dirX Che BIOpK?!" While we sympathize with Mr. Lee's call for minority filmmakers, we're not sure why he thinks Ghandi was directed by an Indian or that Steven Soderbergh didn't direct a Che Guevara biopic, and at the end of the day, we don't really care. This movie is gonna kick total ass.

The film begins with Vick's explosion onto the scene as a college Sophomore at Virginia Tech. Most people know Vick was paid great sums of money to be a tutor in the botany department, but few know he shrewdly invested that money in one badass Bank/Investment Firm/Federal Reserve Farm System: Grossman-Sachs. That money has now become over 1.7 billion dollars, most of which will be put right back into the production of VICK. This will give Mr. Stone the necessary budget to make the film he needs to make, especially the more expensive pyrotechnics for the action sequences in South America.

Here Vick lectures a Virginia Tech botany class about Cannibus Saptiva.

"The part that was most fascinating to me," Mr. Stone added, "is the Ron Mexico angle. Here you have one of the most famous men in America, going into a clinic to get tested for an STD, and he 'gives' them the name 'Ron Mexico.' Now, you tell me, does this seem like poor decision making from a man who has continually always made the right life decisions, or something much more sinister? Basically, I'm saying Dick Cheney divulged Mike Vick's secret identity in an attempt to stop him from exposing the truth about the impending financial collapse."

Once Vick's codename was outted by Dick Cheney, he lost all his top-secret clearances, but continued to fight behind the scenes with Charlie Sheen.

We at Grossman-Sachs know some think we're to blame for the financial collapse, well, whatever, we're rubber your glue, hater! The real cause was 0bviously BDThinking, el mundo pequeno, a pupeteer Thanatoids administration and the one prick to rule them all, Dick Cheney.

Vick worked as a secret agent for the CIA and Dept. of Homeland Security from 2000-2007. He was recruited by an operative down the road at Langley, who introduced him to black-ops (well poisoning, overthrowing foreign governments, IMF tubercliosis operations, bbq bombs, etc...) while he attended Virgina Tech. Most of his work was done in Argentina and Greece.

Sometime in the fall of 2007, Vick became concerned about the relationship between Treasury and Wall St., and wrote about it on his incendiary website VicksKennel.com (motto: Let's put these pit-bosses in cages!). "Is it just me, or did the repeal of Glass-Steagle allow Wall St. to take our money and inflate the housing market with it? Wouldn't that mean the bubble will burst and everyone's gonna be on the street? Then they'd probably ask for a bailout, and they'd get it, because (REDACTED) runs the Fed and Treasury. It's just like Argentina! Put 'em all in cages!" This was the last post Vick made, because the day after he wrote it, he was drugged, secretly taken to a dogfighting ring (at an address "sold" by BDThinking two weeks earlier), and arrested. Ron Mexico (Vick's codename, adapted from Roger Mexico, an operative in Gravity's Rainbow, Vick's favorite Thomas Pynchon novel) would never work again.

Vick was trying to board a plane to Austin, TX to speak with radio host Alex Jones about a plot to destroy the American economy, when he was accosted by security and "found with" a weed-hiding waterbottle.

Now, Vick is out of prison, and determined to bring the truth into the light, and throw a crapload of touchdowns along the way. Grossman-Sachs is pleased to finally tell the whole story. Expect a trailer sometime in the near future.

A Modest Proposal from Grossman-Sachs

Are you a male/female between the ages of 14 and 135 who pays for players with PSAS RESERVE CURRENCY? When you go to the bathroom, do you feel lonely? Do you feel like you're always getting older? Anyone out there wanna make some real money?

Grossman-Sachs can help you with all these problems.

Think things can't get worse? Your last two commisioners are both Zimbabwean Economists, and have been printing large numbers of PSAS Reserve Quadrillion Dollar Bills

Stop paying for players with PSAS Currency. Why? At Grossman-Sachs we believe in the American dream. We believe in little girls with pigtails playing double-dutch after church; we believe in kittens snuggling on a bed of supersnuggly puppies; and we believe in every citizen's right to their own currency-- these are the visions shot forth from the loins of our forefathers. That's why Grossman-Sachs is now bringing YOU, our oldest, dearest friends, the BankerBuck. Why is our currency better than PSAS Reserve Currency? Thanks for asking, friend. Come over here to the Particle Supercollider and we'll show you!

We are still learning so much about our world. In the last two months alone the world's most effective sports/energy/alcoholic sodadrink has been unleashed upon and unsuspecting public, a hall-of-fame middle linebacker has been exposed as a Persian Magi, and BldgDW3LL1NGTH1nk1ng has been exposed as a Radical Leftist heading up a PSAS shadow government, but none of these revelations will prove to be as monumental as those divined from our Particle Supercollider.

As you can see here, our Particle Supercollider has not only length and girth, but also definition. The man pictured is Robert Wadlow, and he is 8 feet 11 inches tall. He died in 1940 but this picture was taken in 2010, impossible?

The Particle Supercollider is a complicated machine, and we would hate to bore you with the technical logistics, but here's a short list of what Grossman-Sachs will soon accomplish with the supercollider.

1. Time Travel - This is fairly basic and surprisingly similar to how the phone booth worked in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. With time travel comes the obvious advantages of unlimited foresight, omnipresence, and a pretty good chance of winning the fastest finger award every week on the waiver wire.

2. Human Revival - Again, pretty self-explanatory. Think Walter Payton would have been good in your backfield? Just push a button and sweeten up your lineup! Want Dan Marino's historic second season to fill up your stat sheet? Just go back to 1984, kill Marino, skip forward to today, bring him back to life, and there you go! What's that, you don't know how to kill Marino? That's easy!

3. Death Rays - Pick anybody, anywhere, anytime, and incinerate them with a Death Ray; then you can revive them and do it again! Grossman-Sachs would not have been able to make so much progress in Death Ray Research if it weren't for the continuous killing and revival of Dick Cheney.

4. Fast Cooking - Top Chef recently hosted a show at the Particle Supercollider, and each contestant was able to perfectly "slow cook" Baby Back Ribs in under 1.2 seconds. Think of how much easier life would be if you could make ribs in under 2 seconds.

The idea for the Particle Supercollider reportedly came to Rex Grossman while disguised as Tim Tebow, trying to score drugs at a Methadone clinic. He drew this schematic on his right thigh in Rehab.

While all these tripleplusgood features may seem like enough to get you to give yoursoulf completely to the Grossman-Sachs cause, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Let's face it, winning fantasy football games is great (especially if you do it without cheating unlike [your worst enemy here]), but sometimes it seems like there may actually be more to life than scoring a lot of points against The Thanatoids.

Have you ever wanted to get a handjob from Jesus?

Us too. That's why we're the only bank in the lower-Manhattan area with our own God Particle.

The world's only know God Particle (photo courtesy of Jayson Blair) is currently in Rex Grossman's Trophy Room along with his 2003 Outback Bowl Runner-Up Medal and 2001 Heisman Runner-Up Coaster

Yes, Grossman-Sachs has a God Particle, and yes it's as cool as you think it is. Surprisingly small, and furrier than you'd think, it tickles you just the right amount when you're close to it, and it judges everyone around you with hypocritical hyperbole. It's everything you've always wanted in a God, and it knows who you should start this week.

Grossman describes his Supercollider, "It's like a frickin' Burrito wrapped around the sun, man."

In summation, give Grossman-Sachs all your players and PSAS Reserve Currency, and it will be exchanged for Time Travel, Human Revival, Death Ray (roaming rates may apply), and Fast Cooking Privileges, an equivalent numerical value of BankerBucks (which are backed by The Grossman-Sachs Reserve Bank of Gold and Time), and your own private sessions with the God Particle... or you can watch your league crumble under the hands of Radical Leftists, Oil-Spill Profiteers, Dog Fight Aficionados and Rape Patrons.

WEEK 9 POWER RANKINGS

1. BDTh1nk1ng (LW-2) - Finally, a new number 1. BDT did it with style and big points against the 'toids, including 31 from Peyton Hillis. This is the kind of muscle they'll need to flex every week if they want to secure a playoff bye. They've been inconsistent this year (this is only their 3rd trip into triple figures in 9 weeks), Zeus' thunderbolt steers the universe with a 6 game winning streak.

Next Week- Phat Girls - The longstanding holders of the Eleatic slept late on Sunday and missed a hearty breakfast, getting shellacked by the dogs. But a 1-2 match-up with the Eleatic suddenly back in play? Expect this to be a firefight - MATCH-UP OF THE WEEK.

2. Phat Girls (LW -1) The Girls had a hard roe to hoe this week with hoss MJD on a bye. Vicks made it look worse than it was by showing up in a big way. Still, despite falling into a record tie with EMP they hold the head-to-head tie breaker, and are a game up in division play. So, they still control their own destiny. Looking forward a match-up with division rival and wild card contenders Sachs in week 12 will be crucial, but first things first...

Next Week - BDT - Wohooo! MJD will be back. Santanna Moss will be back. Titrating on all cyllinders, expect PG to make this one a game to remember. MATCH-UP OF THE WEEK. The Four Seasons remind you that "Big Girls, they don't cry-aye-aye"

3. El Mundo Pequeno (LW-3) - You could have been excused for thinking that last weekend's match-up between EMP and the Trichs was a repeat, because it shared the result and very nearly the margin of Psychdog's epic blowout of Sunset Park in last years PSAS final round. EMP spent big for Tamme, but he looked worth it in his first game. Week 12 and 13 games with Thanatoids and Grossman may well decide the division, but uno momento...

Next Week - Vicks - EMP can't afford a breather and needs to whirl themselves into a religious frenzy to keep their shock troops moving forward. Music of the Spheres plays in the background.

4. JGPB - (LW 5) The Pelicans rebounded nicely from a disapointing loss to EMP to pick up a victory against the red-hot Sith. JGPB's win keeps them a game behind BDT in the Milesian

and securely in wild card territory. John Grisham asks to meet with you in a public park, promises to wear pants this time.

Next Week - Nauts - Stormy weather ahead. The Pelicans have some nasty byes next week and are playing a resurgent Nauts team, looking to sail their way into the playoff picture. The Pelicans have to keep their momentum going because the league's center is plenty crowded.

5. Vicks Kennel - (LW-9) - The Kennel Klub reentered the winner's circle in Week 9 by going for the Girls' jugular. In so doing, they reclaimed the lead in the Ephesian. Even AWOL and often without mobile devices in whatever godforsaken red state he's in, this club is above .500 and a playoff spot is theirs for the taking. Dogster.com is considering you as spokesperson...

Next Week - EMP - with leader Rivers on a bye, the Kennel is already one step from being euthanized in this one. But don't count them out if they've got a dog in the fight.

6. Grossman Sachs - (LW-5) Grossman needed a MNF rally to put away the pesky Skins, but got it and a win is a win is a win. The Sachs have a rough road to the playoffs, closing with games against Eleatic rivals the Girls and Pequeno. Still every victory they can notch makes them a little more believable.

Next Week - Sith - In a direct battle for the wild card, the Sach's are going to have to get all their derrivatives in a row in order to stay in t

he hot seat.

7. International Necronauts (LW-T. 10) The Nauts put up 100 for the second straight week and moved solidly into the roll of playoff Dark Horse. There's a lot to like about the 'Nauts, if you're putting money on an outsider rolling into the top 5. Not the least of which is the chaos in the Ephesian. If the Nauts can pull out 3 of their last 4, they may well be a division winner.

Next Week - JGPB - Matching up against the Pelicans is never easy, but BJAX on a bye makes this a more even match-up.

8. Trichs (LW- 7) - The Hair Pullers are now near bald having dropped 4 of 5 after a 3-1 start. Still they're in the play off picture, they just have to find a way to stop the bleeding. It's hard to believe they'd drop a fourth straight. Then again,

we'd have never picked them to fall this far. Patrick Stewart says, "Make it so."

Next Week - Ferries - The Trichs must pick up a win here or kiss their playoff streak good bye.

9. Revenge of the Sith (LW-7) - The Sith finally cooled off this week, and at just the wrong moment. Their first sub-90 game since Week 4 cost them considerable momentum in the Ephesian. They may be hanging on to the frame, but they're still in the playoff picture.

Next Week - Sachs - The battle of the Evil ones should be entertaining and might do the most of any next week to solidify a playoff picture.A contender like Grossman is as good a place to start a comeback as any.

10. Ferries - (LW 8) - The Ferries got in the way of the 'Nauts steep ascent this week and got stepped on. It's hard not to like the Ferries' plucky slogan, but there's little more than vainglory left for this proud franchise. It looks like a spoiler's lot may be their's this year, and they could start by ending the Trich's season next week.

Next Week - Trichs - If Addai could get back it could mean a long run in the consolation tournament for draft picks next year.

11. Skins (LW- T. 10) The warpath Skins finally got rounded onto the reservation by the mean ol' Bankers last week. Still despite the end of their playoff dreams, they garnered a considerable ammount of respect from the league at large, and they could easily finish with a .500 season, a remarkable feat for an expansion team.

Next Week - Thanatoids - With the 'toids desperate to crawl out of the basement and salvage some dignity the Skins must lick their wounds and bury the Deadish ones in last place once and for all.

12. Thanatoids (LW-10) - The 'Toid exist in a universe by themselves now with their opponents averaging 111.9. To put it in perspective At 1007.4 points against, the Thanatoid's combined opponents would lead the league in scoring by over 80 points. Still, despite being short of luck, the 'toids have also been outclassed scoring a paltry 773.8. So, there was improvement in seeing them put up 99 in a difficult bye week. Fastest finger award goes to the Deadish for a quick freebie on Donald Driver replacement Jones on the wire.

Next Week - Skins - A poor man's statistician would think that the chips are bound to fall the 'Toids way soon. But don't expect any Vegas bookie with a proper knowledge of quantum mechanics to come anywhere near this one.