Hours before the Giants face off against the Dallas Cowboys on MNF, The Pelican Brief has learned that DE Justin Tuck has tested positive for high levels of the caffeinated malt beverage Four Loko. Popular among hipsters and inner city youth, Four Loko is not a banned substance in the NFL but has served as an indicator of performance on the field. Notably Redskins CB DeAngelo Hall--hours before his record breaking performance on Sunday afternoon--was seen downing two fruit punch flavored Four Loko tall boys on the team bus.
When reached for comment, Tony Romo let out a long, sad sigh as he contemplated his impending death on national television -- "With my offensive line already depleted due to injury, this is the last thing I need. Being Four Loko'd is a bad way to go..."
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