It is well known that the Persians have always been the enemies of the Acheans and have utilized many mindless enthusiasms and mysteries to attempt to disgrace and enslave the souls of Greek folk. Their allies in this, as Herodotus tells us, are the Magi, a sacerdotal caste of star gazers and shills toadying to the whims of their callous Persian masters. No less an authority than Heraclitus first warned us of their "impious rituals", saying "τὰ γὰρ νομιζόμενα κατ' ἀνθρώπους μυστήρια ἀνιερωστὶ μυενται". How could it be that one of these enemies lives among us? Mocking our solemnity with his cynical sleight of hand. And yet, Ray Lewis is such a one. Consider the evidence, he speaketh to animals. He striketh down men and yet is not imprisoned. He fleereth at science with humor designed to sell deodorant. Can there be any doubt that this man is an agent of the Achaemenid court sent to our lands to undermine our democracy? Picture them oiling their beards, reeking of myrrh and incense, donning silly hats and hating our freedom. Fellow Pre-Socratic All Stars, I ask you, shall we allow this to occur? Or shall, like our forebearers at Marathon, we rise to the occasion and force Ray Lewis to sit out this weekend's game against the Thanatoids?
utilized many mindless enthusiasms and mysteries to attempt to disgrace and enslave the souls of Greek folk. Their allies in this, as Herodotus tells us, are the Magi, a sacerdotal caste of star gazers and shills toadying to the whims of their callous Persian masters. No less an authority than Heraclitus first warned us of their "impious rituals", saying "τὰ γὰρ νομιζόμενα κατ' ἀνθρώπους μυστήρια ἀνιερωστὶ μυενται". How could it be that one of these enemies lives among us? Mocking our solemnity with 
his cynical sleight of hand. And yet, Ray Lewis is such a one. Consider the evidence, he speaketh to animals. He striketh down men and yet is not imprisoned. He fleereth at science with humor designed to sell deodorant. Can there be any doubt that this man is an agent of the Achaemenid court sent to our lands to undermine our democracy? Picture them oiling their beards, reeking of myrrh and incense, donning silly hats and hating our freedom. Fellow Pre-Socratic All Stars, I ask you, shall we allow this to occur? Or shall, like our forebearers at Marathon, we rise to the occasion and force Ray Lewis to sit out this weekend's game against the Thanatoids?
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