The Weightless Spirit of Alshon Jeffery

"I can't see me lovin' nobody but you / for all my life!" 

GrossmanSachs beat writer Dickie Dunn posted another interview this morning for his weekly, "The Spirit of the Thing" column. This week's interview subject is Alshon "Don't Call Me Johnny Knox" Jeffery.

Dunn: Alshon, thanks so much for joining us. Are you... have you been crying?

Jeffery: Yeah, man, yeah, but you know, these are good tearz. I just watched that Pixar movie about the first humans, and you know it just really hit me. It's like, since I got to the league people was saying I was the Perfect Strangers guy who gets blow'd up at the beginning, you know that I was all Johnny Knox and shit, and you know, B-Marshall is Clooney. But it turns out I'm Sandra Bullock, and this shit is my movie, and Clooney's great and all, but I ain't no Johnny-Knox-Johnny-Five-Alive-Catfish-looking-dude, I'm Sandra Fucking Bullock, and I'm about to howl all over the Packers tonight. Plus, I dunno, man-- it was dusty in there, and 3D and shit, so, most people were crying I think.

Dunn: Right, right, powerful stuff. Just for some background, here-- you went to South Carolina, right?

Jeffery: I did, yeah. Tigercocks for life! It was a great time, man. I majored in Secession and minored in Jet-ski. I also studied abroad in Key West my sophomore year.

Dunn: An aspiring Hemmingway! Fantastic stuff. As you know, Alshon, I'm really trying to capture the spirit of the thing, so take me through your process this week preparing for the Packers defense without Jay Cutler, knowing full well that he doesn't care if you win or lose without him.

Jeffery: I think we'll be fine man. Caleb Hanne's a great backup QB. I think he'd start for most teams in this league, and you know, he knows the offense inside and out. I run the ball sometimes too, and Caleb is a sick hand-offer. You know, we don't always see eye-to-eye on things, and so, communication has been a bit of a problem, but I'm making the proper effort to be on the same page, you know, and he's been much more responsive after I said maybe Third Eye Blind isn't worse than slavery.

Dunn: I hate to step on your toes, here, Alshon-- the last thing I wanna do is get in the way of the spirit of the thing-- but I'm pretty sure Josh McCown is starting for the Bearz tonight...

Jeffery: Word?! I have no idea who that is, but thank Godz. Caleb Hanne is the worst QB I've ever seen. The thing that pissed me off the most about Third Eye Blind was knowing that Caleb would never kill himself because that song "Jumper" says explicitly not to do that. Thank the G0dz. We bout to do this! Oowwwooooooooooo!