Sun Tzu's Previews: Week 3

Sun Tzu went 3-4 with his predictions in week 2 and is determined to prove his foresight in a bounce-back for week 3.  The match ups are pretty divided with teams knocking off each other at top and bottom of the rankingz.  Several teams will emerge from this week's battles as season's favorites, while some will struggle to keep from sinking in the mud.  Injuries are also starting to mount, making waiver-wire and free agents to be more crucial, especially with the thinning of the talent pool due to the Pre-Socratic expansion.  Winning is: swift as the wind, silent as a forest, fierce as fire, and immovable as mountain, reminds Sun Tzu. 

*UPDATED (9/18) to reflect the trade between the Colts and the Browns involving Trent Richardson

(1) Dijonnaise All-Stars (2-0) vs (4) HomeSpunNeckBloodz (2-0)

*Headliner of the week*

Who knew Colonel Mustard was such a motivator.  I always thought Professor Plum with his psychiatric mastery to be the manipulative leader, says Sun Tzu.  Regardless, this expansion team keeps producing fantasy points.  The rankingz hopped on the bandwagon this week and ranked them at the top based on their offensive production.  Now the question is, who can keep up the b34sting longer, the colonel's troops or Eddie Royal?  A-Rodg throwing to the trio of Fitz, Marshall and Cruz can put up points in bunches week in and week out.  Gio Bernard showcased his upside in week 2.  What's scary is that the Mustards still have upside at the RB2 and IDP positions.  This week, a former champion in HSNB look to stand in the way.  The spinnerz and the Bears keep winning and there's no reason to make changes in what's working, but they do need a bit of tweaking with SJax (that's Steven Jackson right?  Am I the only one losing track of all the Jax's? asks Sun Tzu) out for week 3.  There's a counter-titration going on between Cutler and Marshall, which limits the upside in Chicago.  If Mendenhall can maintain his week 2 production and Cutler doesn't throw the ball to the wrong team or wrong direction, the spinnerz have a chance for, yes, an upset.

-DAS by 2.5

(T2) ThePelicanBrief (1-1) vs (6) Polk High Panthers (2-0)

The Grishamites experienced first-hand that the chemistry between Brady and Welker is no longer the same in their week 2 loss (probably ever since Gisele cursed Welker out during Super Bowl).  The Brief were still one Seattle-defense-shut-down away from a win over the now top-ranked Mustards.  CJ?K is back on track for at least a 1000-yard season, and Ingram is getting the goal line touches.  An expected Kap to Vernon bounce back, now that SF and Seattle are not cannibalising, should make this high-scoring page-turners to keep it up.  The Panthers can expect either Megatron or AJ (or both) to have monster games on any given week; unfortunately for them, the same can't be said about Mario Williams or their backs that are in RBBC situations. 

-PB by 7.5

(T2) GrossmanSachs (1-1) vs (7) TakingTigerMountain (2-0)

The Bankerz didn't fall much in the rankingz despite losing to the then thirteenth-ranked PhatGirlz.  What's disturbing here is that no one other than TE Witten underperformed significantly yet as a team they failed to keep it up.  The 2013 season so far has seen limited upsides to RB-heavy lineups.  The seemingly bullish WR draft market is proving to be right in its prediction and has rewarded teams that invested heavily on top-tier receivers.  The bankerz didn't follow this trend and is struggling to stay afloat.  They did keep some aerial production on the bench, but the guessing game may not be enough to compensate for the lack of upside.  The gradual and steady emergence of Ben Tate in Houston can eventually spell trouble for Arian and the bankerz.  For Daniel's squad, starz aligned correctly and seem to continue to do so as long as TE Graham stays Brees' favorite target even or especially on his off-days.  RB committee Mathews, Spiller and Bradshaw look formidable on paper, but they are all vulnerable to vulturing, fumbling and, knock on wood, injuries.  TTM also lack elite receivers that can put up big numbers, reflected on their 104.6 point average.

-GS by 4.5
*UPDATE (9/18): the shock wave of Trent Richardson trade on Wednesday was also felt through Pre-Socratic landscape, no more so than in the Mountain.   Bradshaw is now relegated to being a piece of RBBC once again.  Overall, this is a slight blow, as Bradshaw started the season in the same position while Vick Ballard was healthy (for just one week). 

(5) BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng (1-1) vs (9) PhatGirlz (1-1)

All-around good games by their receivers and defenders lifted BDT into victory in week 2, but it's hard to predict the same sort of production in week 3.  The ground game is once again suspect in Chico, as Ray Rice is injured at the hip (day-to-day) and DeAngelo is losing third-down and goal-line touches to Mike Tolbert.  Everybody expects Romo (and Phillip Rivers) to do something stupid sooner than later.  Monique won the SweepStarks contest on a perfectly laid $12 bid.  Starks will battle Hand-Cuff Tate and Mr. Unreliable Wilson for a slice of the flex pie.  Miller and Sproles are as good a RB tandem as any.  If WR Garcon can maintain the elite production, and there's no reason to suspect otherwise, the Girlz will contend each and every week.

-PG by 3
*UPDATE (9/18): Willie the Wildcat and the Chico Bandits acted swiftly as the wind in picking up RBs Chris Ogbonnaya and Willis McGahee, the presumed beneficiaries of Trent's ouster in Cleveland.  Not sure if this was the time to actually stay immoveable as mountain, as neither of these backs seem capable of overcoming a fundamental deficiency in that they are running for the Browns.

(8) Trichotillomaniacs (1-1) vs (11) AEthernauts (0-2)

This is Kap vs Cam double titration matchup, unless the General decides to go with Vick and his Thursday game against Andy Reid's Chiefs.  After a total destruction in week 2 by the hands of Seattle Seahawks, it's not completely far-fetched.  Greg Olsen figures to return to the Far East lineup as a counter-titration move.  The Trichs have consistently left points on the bench, and the General is once again pulling hairs trying to decide what to do with Vick, Julius Thomas and Eddie Royal.  Fantasy football is so much easier being done in the rearview mirror, says Sun Tzu.  At least the running backs are non-issue this week with MJD injured/facing the hawks.  Gore and Ridley are bubbling to explode.  The space travelers are in similar position in terms of waiting for the burst after their disappointing start to the season.  In fact these two teams are so similar in style of play with heavy emphasis on the ground game even from their QBs.  As mentioned above, this scheme hasn't been the most productive in 2013.  This was also supposed to be Cam's year, yet Coach Rivera and Shula Jr. hasn't been able to unleash him.  With Rivera's seat getting hotter by the week, we expect the Panthers to save the coach's job by utilizing Cam's talent to full.  Still, this is the Trichs' game to lose.

-Trix by 4.5

(10) Tusken Raiders (1-1) vs (13) Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylez (0-2)

The Sand People boast one of the most explosive receivers with Julio Jones and DJax (this I assume is Deshawn from Cal, says Sun Tzu).  Malcolm Floyd's neck injury looked very serious, but DeAndre Hopkins of Texans can step right in with Andre Johnson also limping.  As long as Charles stay healthy, they can repeat the week 2 production each week.  We'll find out early, as their offensive stars play on Thursday in Tatooine.  B-Dawgz chose to ignore the TE issue in week 2, and Coby Fleener emerged in Indy as a legit Luck target.  This may be the time to address the tight ends.  The Dawgz have other pieces in place if they can keep their prudence. 

-TR by 5

*UPDATE (9/18):  If anything, Trent Richardson's move to Indy will benefit him, as the power-back will have more opportunities with the ball around the goal-line.  If his PSAS fantasy owner notices this is a different matter.

(12) the Goslings (0-2) vs (14) SanFranciscoFerries (0-2)

The good news is, one of these teams will get a win.  The question is, who?  Sun Tzu likes the Goslings and their upside with Shady McCoy and Jordy Nelson (where were you last year, asks Sun Tzu).  Andrew Luck has yet to break-out as a fantasy star but he has to eventually, and Jared Cook is hopeful for a bounce back in week 3.  The twinkles' ground game suffered a major blow with both Bush and Lacy injured in week 2.  At least they have fillers in Knowshown "I've-Always-Been-Here" Moreno and Robert Turbin.  With Gronk still one week away from a comeback, the Ferries can't afford to have Brent Celek keep looking in from outside of the Chip Kelley Ting. 

-Goslings by 7.5

Sun Tzu is the most influential military strategist of the east and a former head coach of the Trichotillomaniacs.  He's currently an analyst for ESPN Far East and a regular contributor to PSAS.  

Casino Gulag Results Week 2

Sometimes you do something with a group of friends, like watching baseball or eating a Vegan meal, that ends up being A COMPLETE FUCKING WASTE OF TIME.

I give you the results of Week 2's Casino Gulag Games:

Trichs - Daniel Thomas - NO TD

Pelican Brief - Jackie Battle - NO TD

NeckBloodz - Joique Bell - NO TD

GrossmanSachs - Eddie Lacy - NO TD

TTM - Kenny Stills - NO TD

Polk High - BenJarvus Green-Ellis - NO TD

SF Ferries - Mark Ingram - NO TD

BDT - LeGarret Blount - NO TD

I'm tempted to give the prize to whomever had the fewest yards, but will call it a wash. BR Moore is the winner this week. He gets one dollar, but will have to read this post to know why.

#SmokeEmOut

Week 3 Power Rankings

Week 2 was a slight points draw down as some teams faced injuries and others tough opponents. Average score was 109.36 (111.6 last week). 4/14 were stuck in double digits, and 4/14 were over 120.


1. (T. 11)  Dijonaise All Stars (2-0) - A debutante atop the rankings? Unheard of. A ten spot week-to-week jump. Unprecedented.  The Poupon Greys picked up a Monday Night Special courtesy of Giovani Bernard. Can it last? Probably not.  They're still 1 RB short of a consistent b345t, but racking up wins and running up points charts a playoff course.

T. 2. (2) Pelican Brief - (1-1) The Grisham-ites were one of two teams to eclipse 120 both weeks - though it wasn't quite enough the second time through. Even a low-ball week for Brady scarcely slowed them down. In fact 5/6 position players missed their projections.   Seattle's defense looks like a true game-changer after their 22 pt dismantling of the Niners.

T.2.  (1) Grossman Sachs (1-1) - Only Arian found the endzone and the TE and flex spots bottomed out the Bank this week. Grossman is elite at QB and RB, guessing correctly on TE and Flex will determine their overall rank week to week.

4. (5) Homespun Neckbloodz  (2-0)  - Underrated and disrespected the Bloodz have skirted the middle for the first two weeks and come out with two wins.  This week they thumped a Ferries squad hit hard by injuries.  S-Jax might have hurt himself, but Joique might have stepped right into a starting back position.

5. (4) BuildingDwellingThinking (1-1) -The Chico Bandits got back in the saddle with a blowout win.  Rice's injury/lowball didn't hurt as Dez led the way with Finley and Hilton in supporting double digits. Elite IDP play led to almost 25% of the team's points this week. Question marks surround Rice's injury - deep thoughts necessary.

6. (7)  Polk High Panthers  (2-0) -Al Bundy's elite passing attack again sliced up opponents at will.  Calvin caught two TDs, Ryan threw two, oh and Mario Williams ripped off 4.5 sacks.  If F-Jax can keep that goal-line vulture status he might be flex material.

7. (6) TakingTigerMountain (2-0) - Doubly lucky now the Mountain got gifted a second win on another team's bad day.  Even more luckily, it came on an off day for Breesus (10.3). The Tigers are still undefeated when he connects with Graham. With Ballard gone Bradshaw should get penciled into the flex as long as he stays healthy. 

8. (3) Trichs (1-1) - After seeing the bad in week 1 (GB) the Keepernick/Anquan/9ers D saw the good in Seattle. After producing a combined 64 points in week 1 the trio drew 14.6 in week 2.  That and MJD's ankle injury were enough to set the Trichs to hair pulling again. With Jones-Drew likely sitting Frank the Tank steps up and the dreams of benching Ridley go out the window.

9. (13) Phat Girlz (1-1) - Back in the win column in week 2, the Girlz saw much of what they needed. Lamar Miller looked more like this summer's hype, Wilson didn't fumble and Garcon caught a TD pass. TDs on the bench from Bowe and Rudolph and  strong game from Tate give the Girlz hope for a return to playoff glory.

10. (14) TuskenRaiders (1-1) - Have we misjudged the Sand People?  Probably not, but their ceiling might be higher than expected (135 high score this week). RGIII seems adept at getting points in garbage time, although eventually the Skins will attempt to make him win a game not just fill a stat sheet.  D-Jax and Julio could both be top 5 WR this year, Charles looks very dependable, but they're no closer to filling the RB2 hole.

11. (10) Aethernauts (0-2) - the Aerial Explorers improved into the 110s but took a hard luck loss to the Raiders. Lynch M0b and Bennett paced the Nauts with 5 TDs combined, but the other 4 position players missed their targets. Alex Smith bested Newton on the bench for a 2nd week.

12. (T. 11)  Goslings (0-2) -the Pretty Boys put up another triple digit, but couldn't catch up with BDT in week 2.  0-2 they'll carry a respectable point total into week 3.  That will take them far if they need a tie breaker come playoff time. What they need right now is an improvement at RB2, Bilial might suffice.

13. (8)  PrimordialLifestyles (0-2) - If there's one thing that's easy to pick on in the ratings it's leaving a dead position, which PL did in TE this week. You could say it's a strategy (their bench is filled with handcuff RBs), and that big play hawks Demarius and Golden came up empty - making things look worse than they really are. 

14.  (9) SanFranciscoFerries  (0-2)-Nothing like three RB injuries in week to take the wind out of your sails. Ballard is gone for the season, Lacy concussed, and Bush added a knee injury to his growing list of medical treatments. They need Knowshon to separate himself from the committee and Gronkowski to b345t off the PUP list soon.

View from the Far East: Sun Tzu's matchup previews week 2

GrossmanSachs vs Phat Girlz (headliner of the week)

The commissioner’s side added Edelman through the waiver wire as “the missing piece” but it came with a price.  The $39 bid for the Pats only sure-pair-of-gloves caused some stir in the market as rumors swarmed the trading floor about the expected stimulus measures by the bankerz in the near future.  For the time being, the investment paid off, as Edelman was the only non-disappointment of the Thursday night’s game.  Monique needs running backs Miller and Wilson to have much (x28) better games in week 2.  The bankerz boast the steel sheet of backs with AP and Foster, unless Tate can put a crack in it.

-GS by 6.5

SanFranciscoFerries vs HomeSpunNeckBloodz

Reggie Bush is emerging as a b34st in Detroit; such a Motown kinda guy, right?  Whatever it was, it was good to get rid of Kardashian.  The trio of Morris, Bush and Lacy may be the group of backs with the most upside this season.  The Bloodz are riding on the Bears offense, which causes chuckles in some corners of the globe.  Not in the Far East, as the daoists witnessed first hand Cutler’s cannon arm while retreating in Boulder.  Of course, the monks used a dooshbag named McDaniels to send the doosh QB away, however, so there’s probably something wrong with Cutler.  I don’t trust the guy, he looks best when his chin strap is hanging with his head, says Sun Tzu.

-SFF by 3.5

Trichotillomaniacs vs TakingTigerMountain

The aerial battle of double titration favors TTM with Brees and the Saints facing suspect defense in Tampa.  Kap and the Niners are in tough Seattle this week.  With Ridley once again under-performing on Thursday, the General's patience with the Pats back is apparently wearing thin.  The Trichs acquired a more familiar and reliable back in Frank Gore through trade with the German Philosophers.  Frank the Tank looks to get in the Far East lineup next week, but for this week the Trichs are counting on the Jax-Oakland game to be a running feast.  TTM has upside in the ground game with Bradshaw’s workload expected to increase after a mid-week injury to Vick Ballard.   

-TTM by 4.5

ThePelicanBrief vs Dijonnaise All-Stars

The Grishamites hoped they would have scored as much on Thursday with Tom Brady as the Colonel’s kicker and DST New England tandem.  Didn’t happen.   Now the expansion team has a chance to start 2-0 if they can win the battle of three wide receivers.  Probably won’t see a better matchup of receiver triplets than Cobb, Welker and Nicks versus Fitz, Marshall and Cruz, but the deciding factor maybe the ground game or IDPs.

-PB by 2.5

Polk High Panthers vs Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylzÒ

Somehow this feels a lot like an NFC South divisional game.  Aerial attack favors the Panthers, while the ground game is the Lyfestylz to lose.  As of Saturday night, the B-dawgz likely need help at TE with Dwayne Allen’s doubtful designation if they want to avoid slipping to a 0-2 start. 

-PHP by 1.5

AEthernauts vs Tusken Raiders

Cam Newton and RGIII could be playing in the NFC championship in 2015, but neither of the starting QBs have unleashed their potential yet in 2013.  The outcome may very well be decided by role players and DST.  Ronnie Brown is a good vulture candidate for the Volts that can spark something in Tatooine, but the Giants defense face Payton and the Broncos as opposed to the stellar Carolina defense for the Nauts facing EJ and the Bills.  I'll take the Broncos and the Panthers, says Sun Tzu. 

-Nauts by 4.5  

BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng vs the Goslings

Another battle of double titration.  QBs Romo and Luck are well matched, but ever-reliable Wayne holds the upperhand to Dez.  The German Philosophers are trying to counter that by inserting TY Hilton of the Colts at flex.  The speedy Hilton quizzically had lost favor in the Far East land, and he and DeAngelo Williams were acquired through trade with the Trichs for Frank the Tank.  Goslings need Shady McCoy to "take advantage of Chip Kelley’s system" in full again this week.  Fast as wind, that’s one of the four pillars of Sun Tzu strategy, so the expansion side has a chance.  

-BDT by 3

Sun Tzu is the most influential military strategist in the east and a former head coach of the Trichotillomaniacs.  He is now an analyst for ESPN Far East. 

RAGE BRADY VIRUS EXPLOITING EDELMAN 1.01 SETEC OS

SETEC IT Services announced this morning that the RAGE BRADY VIRUS has successfully exploited several weaknesses in the current build of the EDELMAN 1.01 SETEC OS.  Technicians have walled off the DOBSON, THOMPKINS and DEVELIN sectors of the build but the fear within the Pelican's organization is that the BRADY sector is permanently damaged.  Season projections now place BRADY sector output at 50% less than originally expected.

Casino Gulag Games Week 2

You, boy! Want a thrill! Why not try spinning this wheel? Grab a peg and give it a whirl, maybe you'll win a toy or a girl! There you go, boy! What a spin! Round and round she goes, what will you win? It's slowing now, look closely, here's the best part. Let's all take a breath to still our beating hearts! Oh, boy, can you believe it? A Casino Gulag Game waiting for you to seize it! It's the latest craze in our craziest culture, you've just won a free game of Touchdown Vulture!

Kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhn!

Here's how this works: Everybody picks a running back or wide receiver, whichever one of those players has the highest percentage of his points via touchdowns wins! If CJ?K runs for 32 yards and 2 touchdowns, then a whopping 76% of his points came from touchdowns! If that's the highest percentage of the players chosen, then the owner who picked him gets 15 Bankerbitez to spend on the waiver wire! Make your selections in the comments section by 7pm B34st3rn time this Thursday. 

There is only one free game this week, next week the ever-popular PSAS Stock Market (copyright PrimordialLifestylz) returns! The Casino Gulag Games will become pay-to-play, but will be weighted against the house to incentivize participation. 

Alright, gents! Get clickin!

The Pharmacon

The owner of HomeSpunNeckBloodz shocked the media at his team's post-game press conference this past Monday night, when he announced the franchise's intent to reacquire embattled tight end, Aaron Hernandez. While puffing from an oddly long e-cigarette, the owner smugly declared, "He's gonna be found not guilty, then he's gonna be found in the endzone wearin' a HomeSpun jersey. He's a Gator, and he's a killer; but mostly he's the tip of the spear in our fight against Lyme disease."

While the final part of the owner's statement may seem puzzling at first, his logic soon won over the incredulous throng of reporters. "What's the biggest threat to a small child growing up in suburban New England? Okay, Aspartame, but we all know about the PSAS's deal with Tab, so we aren't gonna touch that. What's the second biggest threat? Lyme disease. Now, we're making a lot of progress by culling the black-footed deer population in the area; that's a great start no doubt. Killing deer is only gonna get us so far, though. Sooner or later, the next step is going to need to be taken. One man has taken that step. We applaud Aaron's courage in being the Rosa Parks of killing people to stop the spread of Lyme disease."

"Inadvertant, or otherwise, that faceless muthafucka's gotta die." -- Aaron Hernandez

Hernandez's story is well known by now. He grew up in Bristoll, Connecticut, in the immense shadow of the World Wide Leader in Sports. He was mentored at a young age by Chris Berman, and was often told he would "go all the way, if he went all the way." It was Berman who first taught him the importance of embarrassing and bullying your rivals. "Prison Rulez," Hernandez would often say, "Boomer calls it Prison Rulez. Either your someone's punk or they're yours. The only way to prove you're straight, is to fuck the biggest guy in the room. That's the way I've always lived my life."

"Have I ever been aroused without wolves present? Sad question, bro." -- Chris Berman

Hernandez's prolific exploits on the high school football field earned him national attention, but it was his civic outreach that first caught the attention of Urban F. Meyer, head coach at the World's Largest STD Laboratory in Gainseville, Florida. "What we saw in Aaron," Meyer recalled while driving his Lincoln Towncar down 12-0 Row in Columbus Ohio, "was a young man with great promise. Now, I go into probably about a thousand recruits' homes a year, and I eat their Mama's mashed potatoes, and I go noodling with their Daddys, and I teach their kid brothers how to give a woman a squirting orgasm, and I gotta tell you, it gets exhausting. But every once in a while, you come across a kid that makes it all worth it. When I first met Aaron, you know what he was doing? He was picking up his girlfriend from the battered women's shelter, now how many young men do you know who would do that? I asked him if she was gonna be alright, and he said, and I'll never forget this, because you could see in his eyes that he meant it, 'If she learns to keep her fucking mouth shut.' Wow. I was floored. Here's a kid that is dealing with all these other pressures, scoring touchdowns, getting the right kids to take his tests for him, and that's algebra tests and piss tests by the way, those aren't always gonna be the same person anymore since Adderall hit the scene, and amidst all this, he has time to guide his girlfriend on how best to avoid getting hurt in the future. When the foundation is that strong, you don't even need a blueprint, just start building that fucker up."

"...If they run, they're northern-educated Florida scum! Right, coach?" / "I just hope they don't come back as zombies."

That's exactly what Urban Fucking Meyer did. Meyer, strength coach Mick Marotti, and Tom Selleck created a endless regimen of strength training, weapons training and Alpha State Remote Psychosis Imaging. By the time they were finished, Hernandez was a 250 pound killing machine, capable of being remote-controlled by Tim Tebow. Many people are still unaware that Tebow's unconventional throwing mechanics are the result of telepathic interaction with his receiver. As Tebow mindmelds with a receiver, his throwing arm pops out of socket. He has overcome this deficiency by strengthening his forearms to inhuman levels (mostly through ritual masturbation), allowing him to still throw the ball despite complete lack of shoulder support. Sadly, some are not capable of handling Tebow's psychic penetration, and former teammate Percy Harvin still suffers from Migraine headaches (a very common symptom of Post-Tebowic Stress Disorder.)

"TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" - Percy Harvin

Tebow, Meyer, Harvin and Hernandez were never interested in merely winning National Championships at the World's Largest STD Laboratory, they were brought together for a higher calling. "I still remember that first meeting," Tebow said, while teaching a blind child how to read a Tampa 2 Defense. "None of us knew what to expect, but when Michael Crichton says the fate of the world is in your hands and to meet him at the CDC immediately, you go. So we went, and there in this tiny room, I meet Percy, Coach, and Aaron The Hitman Herns. Mike said that a terrible disease was spreading across the American Southwest, and that if something wasn't done quickly, all of America could be affected. Basically, it was up to us to try to stop the Floridation of America."

"Flo Rida must die... T-Pain must die... Jesus is good... Delta Burke must die." -- Aaron Hernandez via Tim Tebow

The Floridation of America has been subtly occurring for the past 300 years, but it is only now, because of the proliferation of mass media and camera phones that we are truly learning how much damage it has done. Before the age of camera phones, if someone in Ohio tried to drive their ATV with their feet and crashed into their Meth lab, we may never have known exactly how that person blew up. Now, though, when that person's cousin/fiance posts a video of it on youtube, it is all too clear that that person came into contact with someone from Florida at some point in their life, and that the Floridation of the victim must have led them to this behavior. Sadly, Floridation lies dormant in many, and only manifests itself after the carrier consumes 11 or more Natural Lights, and if you are unlucky enough to see that, chances are you have a pretty bad machete scar somewhere on your body.

Most victims of Floridation are blissfully unaware because they weren't informed that irony is dead.

"So, Crichton tells us all about the Floridation, right? And it is some bleak shit." Meyer and his wife Shelley are taking a stroll in scenic Columbus, wondering just how lucky they are to be out of the swamp and in America's Most Intelligent City. "But he said if the four of us teamed up, and went deep undercover into the belly of the beast, that maybe we could do something about it, and I'll be a sonuvabitch if Aaron didn't rip three scientists to pieces at the CDC to show how committed he was to the cause. And it just sort of took off from there."

It certainly did. It's hard to guage just how many Floridians Tebow and Hernandez killed while attending college, conservative estimates start at around 6,000. "It was just doing God's work, you know?" Tebow smiles for a camera while a proud woman's teenage daughters subtly try to fondle him. For Tebow this is nothing new, he is merely walking in and out of America's fantasies, a man constantly participating with or without consent in Cosplay. "When I was giving African children vacci- er, circumcisions, I felt like I was doing some good. But, I knew America had it's own battles to fight, and I was proud to finally join the front lines."

"And the Lord said there will be no more flip flops dude! No more flip flops!" - Tim Tebow

While Hernandez did all he could in Gainesville, he and Tebow couldn't completely stop the Floridation of America. When the owners of the Dolphins, Bucs, and Jaguars found out about Tebow and Hernandez's covert war against Florida, they vowed to send him as far away as possible. Fortunately, Bill Belicheck knew where they could do the most good.

Belicheck brought in Hernandez for two purposes, to catch the touchdown passes he didn't feel like having Mike Vrabel catch anymore, and to fight the spread of Lyme disease in New England. Hernandez was wildly successful on both accounts. During his three year NFL career he caught 18 touchdown passes, and killed a hundred times that many carriers of Lyme disease. "He was really spectacular," Belicheck reminisced while watching three compact, caucasian, wide recievers wrestle naked in his favorite cave. "You could just drive down the street with him and point to a young couple standing in some tall grass a couple hundred yards away, and they'd be dead before you could even give the command in Parseltongue. It's the kinda player a coach dreams about."

This statue of Hernandez is to be erected outside the Bill Bellichek School of Neo-Stallinist Foot Soldiery

Because of Hernandez's philanthropic efforts, less than 50 people will die of Lyme disease this year, but sadly, the American justice system doesn't allow a ton of freedom for vigilante disease control. Hernandez could actually face some jail time for the thousands of "murders" he's achieved. His defense team is refocusing their efforts on playing up the heroic side of Hernandez's character, and the greater good that has come from his actions. They are hoping that anti-Lyme disease and anti-tick legislation recently passed in Connecticut, could exonerate Hernandez under the controversial "Scan Your Ground" Law. The owner of HomeSpunNeckBloodz certainly seems to think so.

"Are we a nation run by anti-murderous psychopaths? Are we going to let our grandchildren grow up covered in ticks, drinking Busch Lite, wearing Heat jerseys while trying to talk the neighborhood skank into giving a hando on a roller coaster? Well, if that's what we want, keep Aaron Hernandez in prison as long as possible. Because if he gets out, it's only a matter of time until he goes back to catching TDs and fighting diseases."