The Pharmacon

The owner of HomeSpunNeckBloodz shocked the media at his team's post-game press conference this past Monday night, when he announced the franchise's intent to reacquire embattled tight end, Aaron Hernandez. While puffing from an oddly long e-cigarette, the owner smugly declared, "He's gonna be found not guilty, then he's gonna be found in the endzone wearin' a HomeSpun jersey. He's a Gator, and he's a killer; but mostly he's the tip of the spear in our fight against Lyme disease."

While the final part of the owner's statement may seem puzzling at first, his logic soon won over the incredulous throng of reporters. "What's the biggest threat to a small child growing up in suburban New England? Okay, Aspartame, but we all know about the PSAS's deal with Tab, so we aren't gonna touch that. What's the second biggest threat? Lyme disease. Now, we're making a lot of progress by culling the black-footed deer population in the area; that's a great start no doubt. Killing deer is only gonna get us so far, though. Sooner or later, the next step is going to need to be taken. One man has taken that step. We applaud Aaron's courage in being the Rosa Parks of killing people to stop the spread of Lyme disease."

"Inadvertant, or otherwise, that faceless muthafucka's gotta die." -- Aaron Hernandez

Hernandez's story is well known by now. He grew up in Bristoll, Connecticut, in the immense shadow of the World Wide Leader in Sports. He was mentored at a young age by Chris Berman, and was often told he would "go all the way, if he went all the way." It was Berman who first taught him the importance of embarrassing and bullying your rivals. "Prison Rulez," Hernandez would often say, "Boomer calls it Prison Rulez. Either your someone's punk or they're yours. The only way to prove you're straight, is to fuck the biggest guy in the room. That's the way I've always lived my life."

"Have I ever been aroused without wolves present? Sad question, bro." -- Chris Berman

Hernandez's prolific exploits on the high school football field earned him national attention, but it was his civic outreach that first caught the attention of Urban F. Meyer, head coach at the World's Largest STD Laboratory in Gainseville, Florida. "What we saw in Aaron," Meyer recalled while driving his Lincoln Towncar down 12-0 Row in Columbus Ohio, "was a young man with great promise. Now, I go into probably about a thousand recruits' homes a year, and I eat their Mama's mashed potatoes, and I go noodling with their Daddys, and I teach their kid brothers how to give a woman a squirting orgasm, and I gotta tell you, it gets exhausting. But every once in a while, you come across a kid that makes it all worth it. When I first met Aaron, you know what he was doing? He was picking up his girlfriend from the battered women's shelter, now how many young men do you know who would do that? I asked him if she was gonna be alright, and he said, and I'll never forget this, because you could see in his eyes that he meant it, 'If she learns to keep her fucking mouth shut.' Wow. I was floored. Here's a kid that is dealing with all these other pressures, scoring touchdowns, getting the right kids to take his tests for him, and that's algebra tests and piss tests by the way, those aren't always gonna be the same person anymore since Adderall hit the scene, and amidst all this, he has time to guide his girlfriend on how best to avoid getting hurt in the future. When the foundation is that strong, you don't even need a blueprint, just start building that fucker up."

"...If they run, they're northern-educated Florida scum! Right, coach?" / "I just hope they don't come back as zombies."

That's exactly what Urban Fucking Meyer did. Meyer, strength coach Mick Marotti, and Tom Selleck created a endless regimen of strength training, weapons training and Alpha State Remote Psychosis Imaging. By the time they were finished, Hernandez was a 250 pound killing machine, capable of being remote-controlled by Tim Tebow. Many people are still unaware that Tebow's unconventional throwing mechanics are the result of telepathic interaction with his receiver. As Tebow mindmelds with a receiver, his throwing arm pops out of socket. He has overcome this deficiency by strengthening his forearms to inhuman levels (mostly through ritual masturbation), allowing him to still throw the ball despite complete lack of shoulder support. Sadly, some are not capable of handling Tebow's psychic penetration, and former teammate Percy Harvin still suffers from Migraine headaches (a very common symptom of Post-Tebowic Stress Disorder.)

"TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" - Percy Harvin

Tebow, Meyer, Harvin and Hernandez were never interested in merely winning National Championships at the World's Largest STD Laboratory, they were brought together for a higher calling. "I still remember that first meeting," Tebow said, while teaching a blind child how to read a Tampa 2 Defense. "None of us knew what to expect, but when Michael Crichton says the fate of the world is in your hands and to meet him at the CDC immediately, you go. So we went, and there in this tiny room, I meet Percy, Coach, and Aaron The Hitman Herns. Mike said that a terrible disease was spreading across the American Southwest, and that if something wasn't done quickly, all of America could be affected. Basically, it was up to us to try to stop the Floridation of America."

"Flo Rida must die... T-Pain must die... Jesus is good... Delta Burke must die." -- Aaron Hernandez via Tim Tebow

The Floridation of America has been subtly occurring for the past 300 years, but it is only now, because of the proliferation of mass media and camera phones that we are truly learning how much damage it has done. Before the age of camera phones, if someone in Ohio tried to drive their ATV with their feet and crashed into their Meth lab, we may never have known exactly how that person blew up. Now, though, when that person's cousin/fiance posts a video of it on youtube, it is all too clear that that person came into contact with someone from Florida at some point in their life, and that the Floridation of the victim must have led them to this behavior. Sadly, Floridation lies dormant in many, and only manifests itself after the carrier consumes 11 or more Natural Lights, and if you are unlucky enough to see that, chances are you have a pretty bad machete scar somewhere on your body.

Most victims of Floridation are blissfully unaware because they weren't informed that irony is dead.

"So, Crichton tells us all about the Floridation, right? And it is some bleak shit." Meyer and his wife Shelley are taking a stroll in scenic Columbus, wondering just how lucky they are to be out of the swamp and in America's Most Intelligent City. "But he said if the four of us teamed up, and went deep undercover into the belly of the beast, that maybe we could do something about it, and I'll be a sonuvabitch if Aaron didn't rip three scientists to pieces at the CDC to show how committed he was to the cause. And it just sort of took off from there."

It certainly did. It's hard to guage just how many Floridians Tebow and Hernandez killed while attending college, conservative estimates start at around 6,000. "It was just doing God's work, you know?" Tebow smiles for a camera while a proud woman's teenage daughters subtly try to fondle him. For Tebow this is nothing new, he is merely walking in and out of America's fantasies, a man constantly participating with or without consent in Cosplay. "When I was giving African children vacci- er, circumcisions, I felt like I was doing some good. But, I knew America had it's own battles to fight, and I was proud to finally join the front lines."

"And the Lord said there will be no more flip flops dude! No more flip flops!" - Tim Tebow

While Hernandez did all he could in Gainesville, he and Tebow couldn't completely stop the Floridation of America. When the owners of the Dolphins, Bucs, and Jaguars found out about Tebow and Hernandez's covert war against Florida, they vowed to send him as far away as possible. Fortunately, Bill Belicheck knew where they could do the most good.

Belicheck brought in Hernandez for two purposes, to catch the touchdown passes he didn't feel like having Mike Vrabel catch anymore, and to fight the spread of Lyme disease in New England. Hernandez was wildly successful on both accounts. During his three year NFL career he caught 18 touchdown passes, and killed a hundred times that many carriers of Lyme disease. "He was really spectacular," Belicheck reminisced while watching three compact, caucasian, wide recievers wrestle naked in his favorite cave. "You could just drive down the street with him and point to a young couple standing in some tall grass a couple hundred yards away, and they'd be dead before you could even give the command in Parseltongue. It's the kinda player a coach dreams about."

This statue of Hernandez is to be erected outside the Bill Bellichek School of Neo-Stallinist Foot Soldiery

Because of Hernandez's philanthropic efforts, less than 50 people will die of Lyme disease this year, but sadly, the American justice system doesn't allow a ton of freedom for vigilante disease control. Hernandez could actually face some jail time for the thousands of "murders" he's achieved. His defense team is refocusing their efforts on playing up the heroic side of Hernandez's character, and the greater good that has come from his actions. They are hoping that anti-Lyme disease and anti-tick legislation recently passed in Connecticut, could exonerate Hernandez under the controversial "Scan Your Ground" Law. The owner of HomeSpunNeckBloodz certainly seems to think so.

"Are we a nation run by anti-murderous psychopaths? Are we going to let our grandchildren grow up covered in ticks, drinking Busch Lite, wearing Heat jerseys while trying to talk the neighborhood skank into giving a hando on a roller coaster? Well, if that's what we want, keep Aaron Hernandez in prison as long as possible. Because if he gets out, it's only a matter of time until he goes back to catching TDs and fighting diseases."