Teasing Stallion!

As part of Grossman-Sachs ongoing operation to point out the Tyranny of Touchdowns (Operation Adequate Titration), your G0dbank submits a new Casino Gulag Game. It's the exact opposite of Touchdown Vulture (which may still come back up on Fortuna's wheel another day), and it's called Teasing Stallion.

Here Matt Forte can be seen lubricating the fickle mare, Goalline, for
Marion Barber to come in and ram it home.

In Teasing Stallion, the player who gains the most yards from scrimmage (meaning only via rushing and receiving) without scoring a touchdown or two-point conversion is your Teasing Stallion of the week.

If you can understand these words, maybe you can one
day run the Hermann Goering Casino Gulag.

Why Teasing Stallion? You mean, besides the fact that it clearly came up on Fortuna's Wheel? Because touchdowns are ridiculously overvalued, and it's important we know who this benefits and who it hurts. In this sense, I think of touchdowns like moneyshots in porn. Of course, if you were only going to watch the highlights, they'd be in there, but if you see the narrative as a whole, you realize they're just a few seconds. Continuing the analogy, John Holmes is College Percy Harvin and Peter North is College Tim Tebow; someone's doing all the work, but someone else is getting all the glory. It's clear now, right?