Jacksonville, Florida -- GrossmanSachs star WR Justin Blackmon was jubilant this morning when announcing his retirement from football. His mentor, Shaid Khan, couldn't have been more proud when introducing his prized protege at the 9th largest Chuck E. Cheese's in Jacksonville. "As a child, I always wanted to be a sherpa," said Khan, flanked by the only animatronic animal band fueled solely by Mountain Dew Code Red. "Sadly, my dream of being a sherpa was crushed when I became a billionaire. Today, is the first day that I was able to help somebody climb a mountain, and for Justin Blackmon, that mountain was learning to make the perfect batch of Krokodil. Ladies and gentleman, the man of the hour, Justin Blackmon!"
The sort of applause that makes thinking impossible and arousal inevitable filled the Chuck E. Cheese, which was nice enough to cancel it's weekly Ladies/Boys theme night, Cougarsauce, for the event. As Blackman took the microphone from Khan, the animatronic band stopped it's rendition of "Mother" by Danzig in reverence.
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| "We doin' this shit like Domino's. Thirty minutes or less, and bam! Tebow's at your door with that zombie fire!" |
"For a young black kid growing up in California and Oklahoma, the American dream used to seem like it only applied to white kids. There were no black role models. Sure, Marion Barry was a pretty fly cat, and James Brown loved to party, but not until a black man reached the highest office of power did kids of all races and backgrounds have someone to look up to and say, that could me be someday. Well, kids of all types, even the Irish, now have someone they can aspire to be, because I just became the biggest Krokodil salesman in the United States of Fucking America!"
A delirious ovation quickly evolves into a sublime bacchanal of pizza, alligators, orifices and "Carry on my Wayward Son" by Kansas. The first four reporters sent to the scene to cover the event were never heard from again. Nothing here can be corroborated, at least until the lab work comes back.
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| A police sketch artist's rendering of the scene, surprisingly only has one armadillo. |
Blackmon's fortunes took a drastic turn when he tried mixing Old Bay seasoning into his latest batch of Krokodil, the flesh eating "Zombie" drug that is about to jumpstart the destruction of the earth. "Sure, most people out there are using Codeine, bleach, and gasoline, but my shit's always been Diesel, that's step one right there. Once I properly titrated that, yeah, people was getting their zombie on, but folks still had bones after shootin' this stuff for a week. That's not cool. So last week, I was doing like I do, you know, eating Twinkies with Old Bay on 'em watching Duck Dynasty, when all the sudden, it hit me-- like one of them Doc Brown, toilet bowl, flux capacitor moments, and I thought, what does America love more than anything? Cajuns! Cajun reality shows, cajun music, cajun porn, and most of all, cajun spices. So I put all that together, and you know, the rest is history, or the future, depends on how you feel about Timecop. Either way, shoot this shit in your nutsack and tell me if you taste thunder."
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| In your head... in your head... they are crying. |
GrossmanSachs wished Justin Blackmon great success on all his future (and past) endeavors.
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