As the "league" steamrolls towards the "playoffs", we at GrossmanSachs wish to remind everyone why we got in this thing in the first place: To Make Money. While it's fun to move names on a roster as if they are representative of a real team, it's not creating any wealth. Several economists have actually said that maybe the PRN isn't even backed by a precious metal or even any national currency. While this information is dangerous, and would almost surely lead to some type of labor strike/invasion of an oil-rich nation, it is nevertheless integral to our next collective step as owners.
On the way to 666 Wall St. this morning, Rex Grossman was saddened to the point of hysterical laughter upon seeing a young boy named Michael Shoebottom. "MicroMachine" as Rex has fondly taken to calling him, has clearly gotten a bad deal as of late.
Mike "MicroMachine" Shoebottom, is tragically only getting American Dollars for his grassroots efforts, and therefore would need thousands more to afford Karate Lessons. After getting to know Mike very well in the Sandusky Dungeon, miles beneath 666 Wall St., Rex was literally touched by his story. Rex had to grab even more tissues than usual on his way out of the room, and in the bathroom, while wiping away several different types of bodily fluid from his face, he saw the tatoo on his right tricep in the mirror. This is when Rex knew what he had to do.
Rex got this tattoo in Gainesville, FL in 2000. It was paid for by Ralph Maccio after Rex beat him in an epic game of StripFlipCup.Rex called his good friend Billy Zabka, Johnny Lawrence himself, and asked how much it would cost to teach the entire Cobra Kai regiment to MicroMachine. Billy said it would cost millions of dollars, but only 50,000 PRN.
Rex knew that if he was to raise that kind of cash, he'd need a way to get his fellow owners involved. While watching the classic Akira Kurosawa film High and Low and simultaenously listening to his favorite album, High/Low by Nada Surf (featuring the hit song, "Popular", which Rex has always been convinced was written about him while he was a high school quarterback) Rex was struck by the beautiful balance of life's highs and lows. Nobody knows this better than Rex, who can throw for 300 yards and 4 TDs in a win, or 72 yards and 11 interceptions in a loss (this happened in an unaired, rarely mentioned exhibition game played in London by the Bears and the Barcelona Dragons of the EuroLeague in 2003; after Rex's 11th interception the game was abruptly ended, and the last three quarters were never played). Rex knew he'd found just the way to get MicroMachine back on his feet, to take him from lows to the highs if you will.
Please wager generously, and we'll see if we can teach this kid to ride a bike too while we're at it.
Rex proposes a new Casino Gulag Game called either Projo High/Low or Buffettball (named after the stock wizard who knew things like 2000 was a good time to bet on Apple, and a bad time to bet on Enron). Each owner picks 2 players on a 5,000 PRN investment (ideally one he thinks would vastly outplay his projection, and one he thinks would have a terrible underperformance) and the difference over the projection for one player is added to the difference below the projection for the other player, yielding a total High/Low value. The owner with the highest High/Low value wins. So, if GrossmanSachs picked Santonio Holmes (hypothetically projected at 6.5) and Adrian Peterson (15.0) he wouldn't have to say which person he picks for high and which for low. Let's say Santonio blew up for 20 points, and AD only got 10, GrossmanSachs High/Low value would be 18.5 ([20-6.5] + [15.0-10]). Let's say they both went over and Santonio got 10 and AD got 20, one player still needs to be the "low" and therefore subtracts from the total High/Low value, in this case the total HLV would be 1.5 ([6.5-10] + [20 - 15]). If they are both under, it obviously works the same way, with the smaller variation serving as the "over" and taking away from the HLV.
In order to hedge against paying off Sal Palontonio for insider information on questionable players, we'll say only players without any questionable letter designation and starting in a PSAS lineup are eligible. So check the lineups and see who looks like he's due for a brief stop in B3@5t M0d3, and who is gonna get lost on Revis Island, any picks playing tomorrow night need to be picked by kickoff, if not you can pick people playing Sunday.
So, please help out MicroMachine, by playing liberally in the Casino Gulag Games this weekend, and all of GrossmanSachs proceeds will go to an escrow account, paid only to Zabka once MicroMachine avenges his parents murders by sweeping those ninjas' legs to death.
Rex knew that if he was to raise that kind of cash, he'd need a way to get his fellow owners involved. While watching the classic Akira Kurosawa film High and Low and simultaenously listening to his favorite album, High/Low by Nada Surf (featuring the hit song, "Popular", which Rex has always been convinced was written about him while he was a high school quarterback) Rex was struck by the beautiful balance of life's highs and lows. Nobody knows this better than Rex, who can throw for 300 yards and 4 TDs in a win, or 72 yards and 11 interceptions in a loss (this happened in an unaired, rarely mentioned exhibition game played in London by the Bears and the Barcelona Dragons of the EuroLeague in 2003; after Rex's 11th interception the game was abruptly ended, and the last three quarters were never played). Rex knew he'd found just the way to get MicroMachine back on his feet, to take him from lows to the highs if you will.
Please wager generously, and we'll see if we can teach this kid to ride a bike too while we're at it.Rex proposes a new Casino Gulag Game called either Projo High/Low or Buffettball (named after the stock wizard who knew things like 2000 was a good time to bet on Apple, and a bad time to bet on Enron). Each owner picks 2 players on a 5,000 PRN investment (ideally one he thinks would vastly outplay his projection, and one he thinks would have a terrible underperformance) and the difference over the projection for one player is added to the difference below the projection for the other player, yielding a total High/Low value. The owner with the highest High/Low value wins. So, if GrossmanSachs picked Santonio Holmes (hypothetically projected at 6.5) and Adrian Peterson (15.0) he wouldn't have to say which person he picks for high and which for low. Let's say Santonio blew up for 20 points, and AD only got 10, GrossmanSachs High/Low value would be 18.5 ([20-6.5] + [15.0-10]). Let's say they both went over and Santonio got 10 and AD got 20, one player still needs to be the "low" and therefore subtracts from the total High/Low value, in this case the total HLV would be 1.5 ([6.5-10] + [20 - 15]). If they are both under, it obviously works the same way, with the smaller variation serving as the "over" and taking away from the HLV.
In order to hedge against paying off Sal Palontonio for insider information on questionable players, we'll say only players without any questionable letter designation and starting in a PSAS lineup are eligible. So check the lineups and see who looks like he's due for a brief stop in B3@5t M0d3, and who is gonna get lost on Revis Island, any picks playing tomorrow night need to be picked by kickoff, if not you can pick people playing Sunday.
So, please help out MicroMachine, by playing liberally in the Casino Gulag Games this weekend, and all of GrossmanSachs proceeds will go to an escrow account, paid only to Zabka once MicroMachine avenges his parents murders by sweeping those ninjas' legs to death.
STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY SIR.
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