Entering the final week of the regular season, five teams have seen the threads of their seasons cut by the Fates (those bitches), while four have already earned the Three's forbearance and will extend their seasons into the playoffs. Three teams--the Ferries, Raiders, and B4nk3rs--still technically lie in the pincers, but realistically Grossman would have to post a stratospheric score (with either the Ferries or the Raiders losing & low-balling like crazy) to make the playoffs, given that total fantasy points serve as the tiebreaker if any teams wind up tied on winning percentage. Aside from jockeying for seeds, the playoff picture is set.
Meanwhile, the Eleatic title, a first round bye, and the overall #1 seed in the tournament are still up for grabs--much of which will be determined by the GAME OF THE CENTURYTM, (about which more below), which promises to be the type of brutal & festive spectacle humans invented godz to witness.
12. Phat Girlz (1-11)
The Girlz tuned in last week and realized they had won a game, only to wind up on the wrong end of TTM's Brees-led blitzkrieg. With the 2011 season nearly in the books, PG must turn its attention to the consolation tourney and the battle for next year's #1 draft pick. After the Kennel's hands off championship and PG’s rough campaign this season, the importance of titrating early and well during the draft is crystal clear. We foresee last year’s divas making a return to form in 2012 as they set out for revenge after being miffed on Draft Day ’11.
Next Week – ‘Nauts – the Girlz’ improving form has the potential to sneak up on a Nauts team that will likely be without AP again, in a game with implications for determining the #1 overall seed in the PSAS tournament.
11. Vickskennel.com (3-9)
After a solid start, the reigning champs have dropped 5 straight and missed the playoffs, partly as a result of flagging production from workhorse Matt Forte (can you ever trust a Bear when the chips are down?), but also due to a couple of suspect trades that brought in the now-irrelevant Ryan Torain and the human scum that is DeSean Jackson at the expense of Mike Wallace and Ray Rice. There were signs of life this past week, though, with Hell’s Kennel putting up 100 points in a loss to the resurgent Raiders, a development that bodes well for their chances in a winnable consolation tournament.
Next Week – Ferries – the Kennel’s seed in the consolation tourney is set, so they’ll be playing for pride in this one.
10. Trichotillomaniacs (5-7)
One of a couple of teams to get bit this season by an underperforming star quarterback (as well as declines in performance from their keepers), the Trichs have struggled the past few weeks. No word yet on whether Lao Tzu will be given the reins to the team again next year after a season lacking in harmony, with a midseason ephedrine-abuse scandal adding to the Hair-pullers’ woes. In the meantime, the Trichs have made an intriguing move, seemingly planning for the future by stockpiling potential keepers who are currently on IR. Presuming the league sticks with its current keeper format, their strategy could pay dividends down the road.
Next Week – Grossman – the Trichs square off against the only team with a star QB more frustrating than Rivers in a game with the #1 seed in the consolation tourney on the line (also pending the Dangles’ result).
9. dETHRONED_kIng (4-7-1)
Tebowmania provided a spark of hope for the Ex-Royals midseason, but the former Florida star’s inspirational leadership and mastery of the option weren’t enough to carry them to the playoffs. With an undeniably talented starting roster, dk has all the weapons to take the consolation tourney—and next year’s first draft pick—by storm. Lately, the franchise has also demonstrated its irrepressible leadership instincts by proposing a relegation system inspired by European soccer. It still needs ironing out, but relegation could create a fascinating new wrinkle in the stretch run during future PSAS seasons. (Another possibility—a PSAS fantasy soccer spinoff?)
Next Week – Raiders – dk has a chance to end the regular season in style in a rivalry matchup against one of his former apartment-mates from the bad old days of Hypermodernity.
8. Cincinnati Dangles (5-7)
No team has suffered more abuse at the hands of the Fates this season than the Dangles, who have taken nearly everyone’s best shot to amass a whopping 1414 points against. They may have missed the playoffs, but they’ve put up a strong showing in the face of this season-long fusillade. Deservedly, the karmic wheel took a spin in their favor in Week 12 and they picked up a solid win against the Deposed Ones. Meanwhile, it galls me to write that Kentucky is #1 in college hoops, and as of right now, Duke is losing by 17 to Ohio State--so in reality basketball, the Dangles are sitting pretty.
Next Week – BDT – the Dangles look to complete a season sweep of the Heideggerians (and potentially lock in the #1 seed in the consolation tourney, contingent on a Grossman loss).
7. GrossmanSachs (6-6)
The B4nk3rs have spent the latter half of the fantasy season wearing the albatross known as Michael Vick around their necks (among other issues), but are still technically alive in the playoff race. Unfortunately, as detailed above, the Raiders and/or Ferries would basically have to drop their entire rosters for Grossman to have a shot, so it looks like another near-miss this year despite their winnable Week 13 matchup against the Trichs. Eventually, Grossman will have to reassess its commitment to its Vick securities, but in the short-term it can still capture the #1 seed and a bye in the consolation tourney.
Next Week – Trichs – A victory here would give the Bankers a consolation bye, and with it an opportunity to regroup and devote more resources to hunting down rogue science experiment (and self-styled sexgod) Rex Grossman.
6. Tusken Raiders (7-5)
After reminding us not to underestimate the Sand People, the Raiders backed it up in Week 12, rebounding from a tough loss against an undertitrated ‘Nauts squad to bury the Kennel and all but seize a playoff spot. New England’s soft remaining schedule bodes well for the Raiders, with ample opportunities for Tom Brady to light up the fantasy scoreboard, and the emergence of Marshawn Lynch along with some favorable matchups for the perplexing CJ?K down the stretch should make them a force to be reckoned with in the playoffs. That sound you hear might be the Sand People just before they sneak up and club the PSAS in the head.
Next Week – dETHRONED_kIng – the Raiders will be looking to consolidate their gains in an end-of-season rivalry game against the unpredictable Ex-Royals, who are capable of putting up 140+ when all the pieces fall into place.
5. SanFranciscoFerries (7-5)
If the real-life Colts had responded to the loss of Peyton Manning with as much determination as the Ferries, they wouldn’t be winning the Andrew Luck sweepstakes right now. Cam Newton continues to pay dividends, and Victor Cruz’s big day negated Eli Manning in a Monday night thriller to end the ‘Nauts’ win streak at 9 and pave the way for a Ferries playoff appearance. With legitimate freak-of-nature Rob Gronkowski dialed into B34STM0D3, the Ferries look like they’re peaking at the right time (and they might not even need a newly healthy Andre Johnson—which is good, given that the Texans just called and hired me to play quarterback).
Next Week – Vickskennel.com – virtually assured of a playoff spot, the Ferries will try to shut down the Kennel and maintain their late season momentum.
4. AEthernauts (9-3)
It couldn’t last forever. The ‘Nauts’ fortunes finally took a dive as the Ferries put an end (for now) to their adventures above the ionosphere, halting their winning streak at 9. The chinks in their armor are indeed apparent, with Megatron coming back to earth, Bowe playing for the Chiefs, and Nelson part of the Rodgers roulette. But strong trends from Benson and Blount may keep the ‘Nauts’ championship hopes alive in the wake of AP’s injury. Especially if the Bad Boy Lions get back on track, the ‘Nauts are still capable of making a playoff run, and clinching a bye may have bought valuable time for Peterson to return to the lineup.
Next Week – Phat Girlz – the ‘Nauts will attempt to sail on and contend for the regular season championship (contingent on the outcome of PelicanBrief-TTM) by taking on the newly conscious Girlz.
3. ThePelicanBrief (8-4)
The league’s leading scorer until TTM’s massive victory over PG, the Dirty Birds notched a win over the B4nk3rs in Week 12 to clinch a playoff spot and set up this week’s titanic Eleatic clash. Riding the Rodgers gravy train, the Pelicans have been perfect in-division, racking up a 6-0 record against the Eleatic competition while taking the best shots of several Milesian squads (including the Raiders after the controversial Rivalry Week realignment). Even after seeing WOPR’s proposed trade for MJD vetoed by the Commissioner’s office, the Pelicans remain in the top tier of title contenders—their only worry at this point has to be that the Packers will sit Rodgers.
Next Week – TTM – GAME OF THE CENTURYTM – (see below)
Once again, BDT has displayed excellence in season-long Waiver Wire titration, rivaled only by the Ferries in the post-draft pickups department. DeMarco Murray, Laurent Robinson, Fred Davis, plus the trade for Rice and Wallace—BDT is playing multidimensional player-acquisition chess. The results of these moves and the experiments in Cowboys quadratitration: seven straight weeks of 100+ fantasy points—look for the Occupy PR movement to explode if BDT takes home the championship. After their 3rd straight win, Heidegger sez: “Suddenly I heard a single stroke of lightning. My thought was: Zeus.”
Next Week – Dangles – BDT will be out for payback after suffering a high-scoring loss to the Dangles in Week 9; with Dallas’s favorable matchup against the Cardinals, expect the Heideggerians’ high-scoring ways to continue
1. TakingTigerMountain (9-3)
The PSAS’s proud new papa’s karma was off the charts last week; as he welcomed his son into the world, TTM’s starting lineup posted 160 while its bench scored 71 in an insane festival of fantasy points (and LSU demolished Arkansas to boot). Brees led the way, with Wells and Graham not far behind. With the Saints’ passing attack looking like a well-oiled machine, the Brees-Graham combo will continue to be scary going forward—plus this franchise has great depth at running back. Toss in the fact that TTM has grabbed the total fantasy points lead, and it stands to reason that they’ve catapulted into the top spot in this week’s rankings.
Next Week – PelicanBrief – GAME OF THE CENTURYTM – #1 vs #2 in the Eleatic; Brees vs Rodgers; East Coast vs West Coast; Beast vs Bird; Brian Eno vs John Grisham; ok, maybe that last one’s a stretch, but the dialectical overload here is unbelievable. The Eleatic title and a playoff bye are on the line, along with a regular season championship and #1 overall seed (which TTM clinches with a win, or the Pelicans clinch with a win and a ‘Nauts loss). Throw in TTM’s recent veto of the attempted MJD trade, and this one has grudge match written all over it. May the best titrated franchise win.
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