The Hunt for Rex Grossman

GrossmanSachs apologizes for the rogue actions of our CEO Rex Grossman, who recently tried to stage a PSAS coup. He acted outside the orders of his owners and against the interests of our multiglobal empire. While we are not exactly sure of Grossman's current location, we can assure you he is being pursued with the entirety of our vast resources. He will be brought to justice for his actions, and GrossmanSachs prays we get first crack at him.

Details of the incident are sketchy, but the last person to see the traitor was Prescott Bush IV, Grossman's hunting buddy and sex-spotter. Bush told GrossmanSachs agents that Grossman was "jubilant as fuck," when he first read about Jay Cutler's broken thumb from Chloe Kardashian's twitter feed. "He was prancing about the room, and remember he's completely covered in the hair of radiation victims, and he kept repeating, 'Rexoosh prootum rexish, rex unyen sexloosh,' just like that." Scholars are split on the origins and meaning of Grossman's words, but most agree they are of an ancient, dead language, and refer to a demonic G0dking, Rexoosh, and how sexy he is.

This thousand-year-old Mesopotamian clay sculpture, bears a popular Eurasian song, "Siccaj Riccaj" which could possibly have derived from the same phrase as Grossman's fateful mantra.

Bush was visibly shaken while recalling the details of the last time he saw Grossman. "He was shaking me, just kept shaking me, like I was a bottle of chocolate milk, and he looked through me like I was nothing, air. Then he found his iPhone, and did something with it, like, used it like a cauldron and he would drop things into the light and steam coming off it. He was putting some weird things in there too, man, like postage stamps, Cookie Crisp, toenails, tons of shit. Then his phone plays that Toby Keith song, 'How Do You Like Me Now?'. He's still mumbling and covered in hair remember, and then when the songs done, the phone shuts off and Rex looked at me, and then my mind's just white noise, next thing I know you guys bust in and wake me up, and ask me all these questions.

We at GrossmanSachs believe Rex Grossman was acting upon an improbable prophecy of the notorious ancient monster Rexoosh, the bringer of sex and death. Many early human tribes from around the world have variations on the sexdevil story, often involving the creature disguising his evil, seizing power, revealing his evil nature as the same force within everyone and destroying all humanity in a global baptism. Conspiracy theorists like to use Mr. Grossman's obviously fake name, as proof that he was "chosen" to play this role long ago, by forces we dare not speak of. This theory, known as the "King of Gross Men Theory," is gaining support on the web, but is dismissed by most experts.

This is a computer-generated rendering of Rexoosh, demon sexg0d, said to be sent to Earth to expose humanity's evil nature and be sexy.

We want to make it very clear, we don't believe Rex Grossman is the sexgod Rexoosh, and we don't think he has been sent here from a distant supercomputer to destroy humanity. We know he thinks that, and that is why we are leading the hunt to stop him from trying to carry out the prophecy in whatever way he is able.

GrossmanSachs respects the sovereignty of the commissioner, and lives only to serve his glory. We cannot be held accountable for the treasonous actions of our CEO, just as you cannot be held accountable for the actions of your G0dz. May we all band together to find Rex Grossman and bring him to justice, for if we don't, may G0dz have mercy on us all.