In what has been a crazy week in the PSAS, replete with births, failed coups, manhunts, and a heaping plateful of Turkeyday Games, some comforting traditions would go a long way. We humbly will try to pick up where Petronius Aribiter left off, but his power rankings were pretty awesome, so expect a letdown.
GrossmanSachs is still reeling from our CEO going rogue and trying to overthrow the league, our only guess is that on the eve of the birth of the commissioner's son, Sexicus Rexicus realized he could never topple a multi-generational dynasty, so he cowardly tried to strike before The Tiger was strong enough to resist. This makes sense, because Rex always sided with the men who tried to woo Penelope while Odysseus was at sea, struggling to get back to his wife. The cowards mae their moves on Penelope before young Telemachus was old enough to fight them off. Because of all the turmoil in our subterranean offices, the board of directors has been having frequent consultations from our staff Astrologer, Sybil the Soothsayer. Sybil was nice enough to take some time out of her busy existence to help with the power rankings.
Sybil the Soothsayer's Week 12 Power Rankings:
12. Phat Girlz - (Week 8 Ranking 12) - Phat Girlz, you are Capricorn, known for their pragmatism, the goats always know where they stand. Though Monique was the last to know she got a W a couple weeks ago, clearly some of her players are finally clicking. She's now looking down on someone in the Total Points Scored, thanks to MJD going back to the same robotic beast of old. But the playoffs are out of the question, if the mob optz for relegation, that seems tough to avoid. But ever the pragmatist, Monique looks forward. With trade rumors swirling on a daily basis, there's no doubt the focus is on next year. A couple good trades (possibly for auction draft dollars?), and several thousand crunches should get the Girlz back in shape.MATCHUP - Taking Tiger Mountain - "You come to me, four days after my son's birth, and you ask me, Don O'Hara, do you mind if I beat you this week? You don't even think to call me Godfather?! What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you'd come to me in friendship, then this scum that wounded your daughter (is that the plot of Precious?) would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you." Stirring words from the commish, that being said, unless the Bears D and Caleb Hanne equals a 20 point day for Robbie Gould, this is gonna be a tough one for the plus-size divas.
11. VicksKennel.com - (Week 8 ranking - 8) - Vickskennel, you are Virgo, known for overthinking and perfectionism. After an admittedly brilliant keeper titration (foolishly GrossmanSachs thought VK dropping Phillip Rivers would prove to be a mistake), Ray Rice, their second best asset was flipped into Matthew Stafford. Both are great fantasy scorers, but in a RB starved league (the genius behind their keeperz in the first place) the 2nd best RB in the league trumps the 5th best QB in the league. Turning Cedric Benson into Ryan Torrain helped build a championship-calibur team, in the AEthernauts. Will next year see a return to VK's dominant laissez-faire management policy? Say what you will about some of the week to week titrations, the doglovers really know how to draft. The playoffs aren't out of the picture, but a 4-loss streak makes avoiding relegation both through lobbying and performance the top priority.MATCHUP - Tusken Raiders - This looks like a winnable game for the Veteranarians, but they'll need a Turkey-leg worthy performance out of the Staff Infection, and who knows what Forte's performance will be with Caleb Hanne at the helm.
10. dETHRONED_kING - (Week 8 Ranking 10) - Throneless One, you are Gemini, witty and lively, but also tense, cunning, and inconsistent. A team capable of putting up 120 or 80 on any given week, it's been a strange year for those without kingly cushions. The Tebow acquisition still looks crafty, though not seismic. He will run for a touchdown and 50 yards every week, (HEY THAT'S 11 POINTS JUST FROM RUNNING!!!) but he will throw for 70 yards and a pick (HEY THAT'S 0 POINTS JUST FROM PASSING!!!). While the forcepped warrior is clearly your team's leader, it's a little unclear who his second in command is. Ryan Matthews should be a reliable go-to, and most weeks he is, but the Bears broke his will, and who knows what's left. The rumors of Tebow trying to get a fifth year of eligibility to play for Urban Meyer at The Ohio State University can't sit well with Lord Elway, but, like we said, don't be surprised if they hang 115 on the Dangles, and create some much needed distance from their own proposed relegation line.MATCHUP - Dangles - Projections seem to favor the hanging cats. But he who bets against Tebow would not be Tebow's friend because betting is for Satan. From what I've heard from every CBS announcer, if you're not friends with Tim Tebow, you don't have much of a chance in life. This one may come down to who Aaron Rodgers feels like throwing TDs to on Turkeyday, Jermichael Finley or Greg Jennings?
9. Cincinnati Dangles - (Week 8 Ranking 11) - Dangles, you are Eyore. Though not techincally a member of the Zodiac family, no other animal is a better Dangler. It seems no matter how much everyone likes you, and how well prepared you are for any unfortunate situation (including inheriting a team in a tough spot), that raincloud seems to find you. Take solace in your growing family and another strong Cats team, better days are ahead. I'm going on record right now and saying the Dangles win the consolation tourney. Nobody wants to take on the pesky hangers right now. Your perserverance is appreciated. Courage, Eyore, courage!MATCHUP - Throneless - This looks to be a good matchup, but the beasts seem to reside in Georgia not Florida. McCoy, Tolbert, and Jennings could combine for 50, add in Matty Ice's (WORST NICKNAME IN SPORTS) day-in-day-out 14 points and the Dangles are mid-60's right there. Unless Tebow ascends I think this one goes to the Fudgecats.
8. Trichotillomaniacs - (Week 8 Ranking 9) - Trichs, you are Aquarias, the water-bearer, like your Zodiac peer you are eccentric and original, but also detached. Famous for their risk taking, Aquarians aren't afraid to shake things up, much like the Clinton Portis benching lit a fire under the hairpullers and seemed to save Lao Tsu's job. This is a big week for you, as it is for all the teams with fives and sixes in their records. Don't be afraid to be bold with you picks, but also make sure you say hello once in a while too.MATCHUP - B3@5t1NGDw3ll1NGTh1NK1NG - Holy crap I just looked at the projections. Um, I dunno, don't look too good, but that's why they play the games right? The problem with fantasy though, it's hard to imagine all the BDT players getting struck by lightning in 10 different cities. Still, fortune favors the bold, and nothing is more bold than a hypothetical playcall of Josh Freeman throwing to Eric Decker.
7. GrossmanSachs - (Week 8 Ranking Tied for 6th) - GrossmanSachs, you are Cancer. Your overemotional, touchy nature, is the only explanation for the tailspin you've entered after losing to Phat Girlz. So Mike Vick and Jahvid Best will never play football again, so Rashard Mendenhal's tr00th1ng means Dan Rooney gives all his touchdowns to Isaac Redman, so the Jets suck and you have 3 of their players, GET OVER IT! This is the PSAS DAGGUMMIT! You wanna cry, you whiny little crab, go play Candyland. Carson Palmer's not terrible, AJ Green is back from injury this week, so chin up, noble B@nk3rz, there's money to be made.
"I hear you're looking for Candyland, bitch."
6. Tusken Raiders (Week 8 Ranking Tied for 4th) - Tusketh, you are Libra. Easygoing and peaceable, it's hard to get on the bad side of the Raiders. While also known for their indecisiveness, it's clear that they are just double-checking the scales before making any decisions. This explains holding onto Mike Vrabel to make sure the Patriots couldn't throw him Touchdowns while he is the Buckeyes Linebackers Coach. The team has been slowed since the injury/final appeasement to gravity of Run DMC. If he's healthy, they are as tough as anyone in this league, without him, they are merely good. Chris Johnson seems to be interested in playing football again, so that bodes well. Will the Tuskans raid the playoffs with a stacked healthy roster? Or will they dominate the consolation round like last year? This week will tell us a lot.MATCHUP - VicksKennel - Vix has a decent projection this week, which means they are TurkeyDangerous. Matt Stafford will probably put up some huge numbers against Green Bay's offensive defense. What may turn the tides, though, would be a B3@stly performance from the OG B3@5tm0d3r, Marshawn Lynch.
5. SanFranciscoFerries - (Week 8 Ranking Tied for 6th) - SFFerries, you are Pisces, imaginative, and Selfless, but also escapist, idealist, and easily-led. The Ferries were a force to be reckoned with when they resided in Brooklyn, the early pickup of Cam Newton seemed like it would haunt fellow PSASers for years to come. But Cam has fallen back to Earth and the Ferries have headed for greener pastures. Is it possible the distance from the Brooklyn contingent has softened the edge of the Sailors? Was their recruitment by The Pelican Brief like that of Lebron being wooed into irrelevance by Wade? Either way there's still a lot of firepower in that armada. Cam is Cam and always will be, the Gronk is putting up all-time TE fantasy numbers, and Andre Johnson may return to his old form. The pickup of Kevin Smith could pay off big time, and GrossmanSachs wished they had consulted me, Sybil the Soothsayer sooner, because then maybe they would have made a better bid for his services.MATCHUP OF THE WEEK - AEthernauts - Get your popcorn ready, this looks like a streetfight. Two successful franchises within a handful of points of each other, one fighting for a number one overall seed and looking unbeatable, the other once looked just as deadly, but now is in the middle of a fight for the playoffs. Who will take home the crown? Who's cuisine will reign supreme?
4. The Pelican Brief - (Week 8 Ranking 1) - Pelican Brief, you are Taurus. Known for it's strength and refusal to acquiesce, the bull is perfect example of the choice to hand over full control of the team to WOPR after the draft, and the bullheaded Dirtybirds haven't looked back. The top 4 teams in the rankings are all looking like title contenders right now, and it's hard to think of the top scoring team in the league as number 4, but Sybil knows a few things you may not. Most importantly, Aaron Rodgers will quit playing football tomorrow to pursue a career as Jake Gyllenhal's stunt double. This will prove to be a devastating blow to the oily feathered, and it's hard to imagine them dominating as they have in the past without their bearded leader. Still, though, the bull charges on.MATCHUP - GrossmanSachs - The birds look to be in good shape in the projections, but again, few projections know about Aaron Rodgers immediate future. Also, will Worldwide Wes be able to further embarrass Dream Team Corner Asomediocre? Their matchup could prove key. Also, um, will Vick play, anyone know? These tea leaves don't work for secret agents.
3. TakingTigerMountain - (Week 8 Rank 4) - TTM, you are Aries, intrepid and aggressive, natural leaders who tell people what they don't want to hear. You boldy put the success of your team on the success of your team, and the Saints ain't letting you down. Will new duties make optimal titrations more difficult in the coming weeks, or will the new generation drive you to greatness, willing your son to have nothing but a champion for a father? This ranking seems too low, and for that we apologize, but there will be no ties, and Vix gave too much to BDT for them to bow down to anyone but the streaking AEtherbreathers. The Cajun Sensations are back on the field this week, and the projections show it, as goes the Gumbo so go the Tigers.MATCHUP - Phat Girlz - It's getting late, do I really have to write about this? I'm putting all my cards on the reverse jinx, saying there's ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THE W-STRING DIVAS TAKE TIGER MOUNTAIN. Sorry, TTM, the division race ain't quite over, and I'll take any top level losses I can.
2. B3@5T1NGDW3LL1NGTH1NK1NG - (Week 8 Ranking 3) - BDT, you are Scorpio. Determined, Forceful, Powerful, Jealous, Compulsive, Obsessive, Secretive and Obstinate, Scorpios are the great investigators of the Zodiac. Seems pretty apt for the man behind the curtain. The death of Fred Jackson makes me reconsider putting the Hidegerians in this spot over TTM, but the G0dz still like what they see dwelling in that lineup. Demarco Murray may be the pickup of the year (which seemed impossible because of Cam Newton, but it's now debatable and the playoffs may decide a winner there). The trading deadline can't come quick enough for the rest of the league the way BDT keepz picking up thoroughbreds.MATCHUP - TRICHS - This is really a must-win for both franchises, and bad newz for Trichs, it looks about as one-sided as some of these trades. We already discussed the 10 city lightning scenario, right? Well, let's see then, um, nope, can't think of anything. This one seems like a snoozer.
1. AEthernauts - (Week 8 Ranking 2) - AEthernauts, you are Leo, the Lion, okay? Warm-hearted, stoic, and whatever-the-hell else, but also pompous and patronizing. We get it, you're on a roll, calm down, dude. You don't have to keep roaring, alright? Take a week off, rest those starters, maybe let someone else hold Zeus's lightning bolt for a while. I see chinks in the armor, though. Eli at QB must keep you up at night, also having a Frenchman at running back (Le Garre Blun) can't keep you in Zeus's favor forever. Calvin Johnson has debeasted a bit as of late, and Jordy Nelson's numbers will drop off after Aaron Rodgers spends the rest of his life stuntcocking Jake Gyllenhal's sex scenes with Maggie Gyllenhal, which for some reason America can't get enough of. Your days are numbered, AEthernauts, and nobody likes Duke.MATCHUP OF THE WEEK - SFFerries - Heavy is the hand who holds the lightning bolt (not that GrossmanSachs would know). Will the debunked-medium explorers let up after clinching a playoff spot, or will they continue to go for the jugular a la the spygate Patriots? I feel like that team didn't win a superbowl, though... am I right? Didn't like, Eli Manning beat them or something? What? He has Eli Manning? Ah, this is bullshit.
There is no Sagittarius because as an Archer, we thought we were going to get a very valuable new member this week, but missed out on him by 29 minutes, so there will be no Philosophers in this group. What will we do without the Philosophers? You know who would know the answer to that question?
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, merry titrations to all.
Great rankings! I couldn't have done any better myself. Truly a great tribute from a great All-Star.
ReplyDelete/+5 "stuntcocking"