*** BR34KING *** GrossmanSachs Tr00th1ng Stymied by Apple

The long awaited, oft-rumored, GrossmanSachs 2012 Kickoff video has been shelved due to product incompatibility. GrossmanSachs CFO Medussa Rothschild was inconsolable for the past few hours, sitting in her ivory tower, eating puppies while hand-making counterfeit PRN notes (both nervous habits). When she finally emerged, covered in New York Times Perfume (an industry nickname given to the distinct smell of the mixture of blood and ink) we knew it must be near Kickoff time, because Medussa has cablevision, but her frienemy Cruella Vanderbilt just signed up for DirectTV and a temporary truce has been formed. 

"It's too bad newspapers are dying, I fucking love this job." 

With flashbulbs popping in her face, a clearly distraught Rothschild bravely announced her G0dbank's shortcomings, "It's just, all these new things, every day there's a new thing we need to have to do the things we need to do, and on this occasion, the things we have are not the things we need, and the things we need are too far away for us to have them by the time we need them, which is now... And no, I do not know where Rex Grossman is, and can assure you, The United Nations, Interpol, and The Monster Squad that he has had no contact with us since his disappearance after his second treason charge." While her statement is obviously pretty clear, we paid for photos explaining it, so we may as well use them.

This looks like a short, but very useful cable...

GrossmanSachs switched their media department from Amiga 2000's with Video Toasters to the new Macbook Pros, as soon as they visited a FoxCon sweatshop and saw all the wonderful humanitarian work being done there. Things had been going smoothly, though there's been a noticeable lack of photoshopping work coming out of the G0dbank the past 6 months (Fox News chalked it up to a new G0dbank-wide policy of integrity in propaganda). 

All your dreamz have been edited on this machine before you have them.

The compatibility problem was first discovered this morning when Edwin S. Porter IV, GrossmanSachs' Senior Editor of Propoganda/Reality Television, attempted to plug the company's master media drive (dubbed "The Borg") into one of their new MacBooks. "The Borg had always been running on our SATA-to-Serial cables designed in-house for optimal use on the Amigas. We knew there would be some growing pains on the upgrade, and figured we'd just have to run The Borg with Firewire 800 until the fleecing of the middle-class was complete, and then we'd upgrade to Thunderbolt. Imagine our surprise this morning when we realized there's no fucking Firewire 800 ports on the new Macbook Pros. Building a laptop without a Firewire 800 port is like building a nationwide cellphone service without banking and NSA backdoors, what's the fucking point? By the way GrossmanSachs Cellular will be launching first-quarter 2013, so that's exciting."

Edwin S. Porter IV is clearly not thrilled with the ports on GrossmanSachs new Macbooks, and red-eye reduction has come a long way in making Cruella Vanderbilt look less evil.

When Office Manager Jesse Spano was asked if there was enough time before kickoff for someone to run to an Apple Store, or Best Buy, or even Radioshack to pick up a Firewire 800-to-Thunderbolt cable, Spano just started singing The Pointer Sisters, and things got weird. 

The GrossmanSachs Apple workaround is still in a prototype-state.

Porter was asked to describe the launch video as well as he could. "I dunno, man, describe a sunset. Describe what breathing feels like. Describe an orgasm. See? Not that easy. We compiled over 700 hours of snuff films, communist cartoons, outtakes from the fake moon landing and tons of other shit (Pre-Socratic cave animations, dailies from Crank 3: Apocalypto 2, the director's cut of the Zapruder film) and were basically going to tell the story of man's fall from grace and redemption through the PSAS, duh. Oh, and it was gonna be set to Time Has Come Today by the Chambers Brothers (the long version OBVS). My favorite part was when we made it obvious that setting your lineup was the evolutionary child of finger banging. I think that's what Apple was so eager to prevent from getting out, well, that and the orgy scene during the drum solo starring Bill Belichick, Ann Dunham, Roy Helu, most of the Jets, the cast of Facts of Life, and all five Bono clones. It was just, ah, man, it was so freaking awesome. At least we got Ogletree, though, right?" 

You win this round, Jobs. But we're coming for you, Scum!