Where in the World is Rex Grossman?

Upper-level management at GrossmanSachs have been working tirelessly on an upcoming show for The Travel Channel called Feed the Beast. While sifting through footage on their Amiga 2000s, management noticed a disturbing character pop into, and immediately out of, one of the shots from September 11th, 2012.

 The show was taping in San Francisco (a poorly veiled scouting trip to see how their week 13 opponent, The San Francisco Ferries, were using their flexback). The show's host, and deep cover operative, was asking some drag queens where the best place in town was to get some late night food. The drag queens "directed" him to Grubstake, which for those with knowledge of some of the inner-workings of the G0dbank, was not surprisingly the most popular late-night Portuguese restaurant.

Then when the time came for a group photo, a man who everyone within 100 yards of the scene described first-and-foremost as "really shady" popped into the frame, but only for a second. He was wearing a "University Florida" sweatshirt, that once belonged to owners of both Primordiallifestylz and HomeSpunNeckBloodz.

GrossmanSachs enchanced DVC-Pro analysis yielded a fair amount of information about  the sweatshirt. "It's definitely from Florida, that's for sure," said GrossmanSachs Fabric Analyst Hugo Boss. "The design and lettering, and missing the word "of" would scream Asian-knockoff to most people, whomever made this clearly doesn't understand how upper-level education works in America, what prepositions are, stuff like that. In my experience, Asians speak English very well, and succeed at American universities, and use prepositions. No, this was definitely made using undesirable byproducts of Methamphetamine laboratories in a trailer in Florida. Possibly even at The World's Largest STD Laboratory."

The architects of the laboratory chose a symbolic phallus with discoloration near it's crest, and a burning sensation on its accoutrements.

The World's Largest STD Laboratory covers 2,000 acres in Gainesville, Florida. It was originally founded in Ocala, Florida in 1853, by Florida's Governor Thomas Brown. "Here, in this worthless swamp, the sweaty armpit of our great country, we will found a seminary, and immerse our children in the horrors of the sinful world, so that we may better know why our loins burn, and we can keep that burning away from my daughter."

"She's not yet 32, and already talking about heavy petting. G0dz save us all before the burning comes!"

In 1903, the Labarotory was so overrun with Syphilis, Herpes, Gonorrhea, Genital Crabs, Cap'n Crunch Balls, Swamptrunk, Anal Gout, Crotchmoss, and Taintcheese that it needed a bigger space to operate. That's when William Ruben Thomas, mayor of Gainesville, the only larger, more worthless swamp in America, selflessly offered up his small town for total hygienic destruction. His stirring words at the dedication are etched in cardboard at the front of the sprawling complex:

"On this spot, tho not this exact spot, but that disgusting spot over yonder, that none of us dare trespass, yea verily, the "shitbasin" as we are fond of calling it, we shall found an institution that will house the greatest den of undesirables and whores the world has ever known, so that they may be studied, and will whisper warnings from babylons past, so that we may avoid their unconscionably bleak fate."

Cutoff jean shorts were the unfortunate byproduct of rampant Crotchmoss eating away denim.

 It was on those same grounds nearly a hundred years later, where Rex Grossman burst onto the American consciousness like a glorious pimple. King Gross-man was selected as the ultimate failure of the human race, the one creature that could yield the most information on how the avoid our fall into skeksidom. So, of course, he was sent to Gainesville, the best chance humanity had of understanding the abomination, and the only place he'd fit in.

Grossman was hailed as a G0d by the freaks and whores, a Baphomet to the the worshipers of all that is evil, and was even given the adoring nickname "Skeksi Rexy." Upon his ultimate failure, the culmination of all the worthlessness that mankind could offer-- losing the Outback Bowl to the Michigan Wolverines in 2002, Rex was given this sweatshirt, the world famous "University Florida" sweatshirt, to signify all he had meant to the timeless study of trash.

The Once and Future King, right at home, at the weekly cross-breading ritual.

It should come as no surprise that Grossman lost the sweatshirt that same night, when he went "birthsies" on a sorority house, stripping naked and defecating everywhere, a common practice at the World's Largest STD Laboratory. After that, the sweatshirt's history is murkier than a home pregnancy test when you're coming off a crank-bender and have seven different STDs. We do know that it was worn by the owner of Primordiallifestylz when he was setting the Jacksonville record for most Busch Lights poured down the throat of an Alligator. We also know it was worn by the owner of HomeSpunNeckBloodz when he punched Renegade, the horse Chief Oceola (always a white guy in paint btw) rides at Florida State games, in the face on November 21st 2002. Unfortunately, pictures of both of these incidents are censored under the commissioner's League's Secrets Privilege. We aren't sure how Grossman came back in possession of the sweatshirt, but most people seem to think Six Point Resin was involved.

The invocation of the sweatshirt ritual, notice the 6-pointed satanic star.

So, why would Grossman so blatantly expose his whereabouts now? When he's  the target of an international manhunt, when both the Eliatic and Milesian schools are for the first time unified in his being brought to justice under the world-famous #Grossman2012 campaign? Some speculate that it has to do with recent league turmoil over dynasty/keeper status. Grossman himself, in-between screaming he was a #sexG0d also added, "πηγαίνετε αλιγάτορες" "Θα επιστρέψω όταν με χρειαστείς." 

Despite a huge marketing campaign and worldwide internet support since it's inception in March 2012, #Grossman2012 has thus far garnered very little coverage in the Grossman-run mainstream media.