Breaking News *** El Mundo Pequeño Under Investigation for Allegedly Hiring Child Hitman "El Ponchis"

Disturbing news today from Mexico, as reports have surfaced that PSAS franchise El Mundo Pequeño may have contracted child-hitman Edgar Jimenez, known as "El Ponchis," for services unknown. Pequeno's ties to Latin cartels have been under investigation before when a Senate sub-committee called into question a trip to Columbia paid for out of a league slush fund. As commissioner, Pequeño used his broad emergency powers to tie the investigation up in committee until after the November elections. Jimenez has claimed that his controllers fed him a steady diet of cocaine and tequila, urging him to participate in their grizzly murders, including four beheadings. Speculation over the potential target has been rampant, but it now appears that "El Ponchis" may have been headed to the San Francisco Bay Area, to contact or possibly to terminate former league enforcer alias "G-man" who went underground after amnesty-for-testimony talks with The Thanatoids' administration went South. Even more disturbing is the possibility that JGPB (PSAS' most prominent West Coast franchise, and consistent gadfly to the old administration) might have been intimidated to stay out of the playoffs. JGPB's decision to start the Patriots D/ST did nothing to alleviate these fears, since the Pats rank in the bottom third of the league in every defensive category.
"El Ponchis" capture may bring a clearer picture to the tangled web of league finances, in which a "PSAS triangle" between Florida (el mundo grande), Mexico and Columbia (el mundo pequeno) that cycles guns, cash and drugs. EMP was formerly believed to be allied with the Gulf cartel, but "El Ponchis" involvement suggest that his power has grown to the point of asking favors from the Tijuana and Sinaloa cartels as well. Already under league scrutiny for "play rental arrangements" an unnaturally large waiver wire contract for Westbrook this week, may have acted in part as a payment to "El Ponchis", when he arrived at his destination. The Pequeño squad was clearly having trouble coping with the gravity of the situation on Friday when they changed their team slogan to "La muerte es lo que vemos cuando estamos despiertos; cuando estamos durmiendo son sueños" roughly translated "Death is what we see when we are awake, when we are sleeping dreams."

Whose deaths haunt EMP's waking hours? those victims of their cartel army's brutal torture? the countless inner-city victims of America's cocaine epidemic? Since playoff teams are immune to investigation while still alive, we may have to wait weeks to find out the full story.The PSAS reserve chairman could not be reached for comment by press time.