Requiem for a Universe

On the eve of the 2010 PSAS playoffs, your beloved bankers at Grossman-Sachs congratulate those who we don't think cheated. This complete list can be found at: www.wikileaks.com/grossmansachs/weonlytrustskinsalltheway.gov

The rest of you, take note.

The legal team at Grossman-Sachs (headed by time-machine waiver pickups John Adams and Johnny Cochran) filed a lawsuit today at The International Court of Justice in The Hague, Netherlands, demanding the quartering of ten PSAS owners.

There's only one way to deal with a traitor.

Swiss Theologian Johann Kaspar Lavater said "He who purposely cheats his friend, would cheat his god." Now, before you get all weepy-eyed about our friendship, let us clarify: We are not your friend; we are your God. We know that some of you are friends with each other, and since you're all cheats, that means you'll try to cheat your g0dz or even your Godbank. And try you did. Where did it get you? The playoffs? You're talking about playoffs?! We're trying to save the world from Persian Magi, child assassins, Tim Tebow and genetics, and you're talking about playoffs?!

John Adam has a huge ass and he's tempting The International Court of Justice with it.

Maybe it's too late. Maybe this was all for naught. We tried to save you, but you were too stubborn, too stupid, too human. Seeing as how this is the end of days, the chilling death-rattle of a once proud universe, it probably can't hurt to let you in on what's really happening.

We know you're a bit thick, so we'll try to keep this as simple as possible. The Pre-Socratic All-Starz is a fantasy football league, complete with a waiver wire, cute little message board posts and even its own blog, but it's also an interdimensional wargame simulating the apocalypse due to the destruction of the timelife/infinitedeath membrane, also known as the 66 Degree Parallel or Mendoza Line. The results of the past two-and-a-half millenia of pre-socratic research prove that when people discover they are slaves, their only recourse is to drop Beanie Wells and complain about a virtual fiat currency. This lack of disincentive to cheating/slave-owning creates two mutually-exclusive classes: those willing to enslave, and those willing to be enslaved. As the enslavers abuse their power (i.e. The PSAS Commisioner's Teapot Dome Scandal of 2009, or the entire 2010 PSAS season) they will eventually be ignored by their slaves, and turn to cheating each other. Once that grows old, they cheat their G0dz.

Here you can see a photographer's interpretation of the PSAS Leage, aka "Operation Looking Glass", the lesson as always, Annie Lebowitz is a pedophile.

Unfortunately, nobody listened to Grossman-Sachs when we warned you all to give us your PSAS reserve currency, kill your Godz, make yourself virtual, then kill yourself in the RL. Why not? In the now harrowing words of Black Helicopter, because you're all transfixed with the waiver wire. Don't you get it? If you had killed you're G0dz, we wouldn't be facing The Five Catastrophes of the Ages:

1. The Godz send their reptilian minion Godzilla to wreak havoc on the coasts and in accordance to the prophecies to wipe one chicken sandwich restaurant off the face of the Earth. (Halloween 2010, Rex Grossman kills 123, rips the heart out of 85,000 Redskin fans, and destroys a Chic-Fil-A in King of Prussia, PA)

2. The Godz give Prometheus a drink so potent it can rip the flesh off a petrified elephant. Prometheus gives it to man, planting the seeds of their destruction (Four Loko, obvs)

3. The Godz convince man that his humanity is the one thing he should cherish over technology, ensuring the work of pioneer salt-of-the-earth groups trying to create supermen would only be met with skepticism and apathy. This is the equivalent to crossing the River Styx and taking all the boats with you. Now man is left on the wrong side of existence, floundering in the limbo of being carbon-based, and never able to challenge our Godz for the reclamation of our souls. But, it's cool, the ability to have hemorrhoids was more important to you.

Despite Grossman's attempt to save humanity with his God Particle, everyone will die.

4. The International Necronauts, aka The Dead Pirates, aka Cheron, the ferry captain granting passage across the River Styx, will win the 2010 PSAS Title, traversing The Mendoza Line, allowing the dead to inherit the earth, bringing Nazis, Socratics, Pestilence, the "miscarried" youngest brother in the Bush family, and Captain Kangaroo into your living room to rape and disembowel your children/dog/PSAS bank acct. The only plus side of this will be the return of Corey Haim, perenially stuck in his role from Crank 2: High Voltage.

If the Necronauts ever offer you a water taxi ride, DO NOT ACCEPT.

5. Whoever survives will decide on how many players should be keeper players.

When Corey Haim comes back from the dead, he's going to have a lot to say about the Keeper Policy.

So, that'll be that. We hope you're happy. Thankyou for banking with Grossman-Sachs, and don't worry about us, the Bank has always been here, will always be here (no matter what our mailboy Jullian Assange says), and has an all-new drafting strategy for next year.