Pro-Pequeno Militias Suspected in Minnesota Dome Collapse

A roof tear in the Mall of America Field at the Hupert H. Humprey Metrodome that was originally blamed on heavy snow is now being investigated as a possible instance of domestic terrorism by militias loyal to former commisioner Pequeno, the office of the commissioner reports. As previously warned in a series of twitter mafia posts, threatened violence against the league by middle American extremists has manifested itself. A flag depicting the symbol of states rights resistance to centralized authority was reportedly found on the roof by workers attempting to clear the snow. The Metrodome has long been a symbol of the progressive state of Minnesota politics, and at the same time a lighting rod for conspiracy theories about it's potential relation to authoritarian ideology. The former and current commissioner have been at odds for weeks over a series of disagreements, constituting a mounting constitutional crisis. The current commisioner has thus far resisted calls from within his own party to use emmergency powers granted in the Sedition Acts of 1917 to muzzle Pequeno supporters. In addition to the flag, unconfirmed reports have surfaced of graffiti reading "VIVA MUSCHAMP!" The roof last collapsed in 2007 during a Minnesota Twins game, in the lead-up to the Democratic Primaries. This news comes close on the heels of persistant rumors that transhuman experiment Rex Grossman may have again escaped his handlers and is in fact on his way to Washington as this article is being typed. Keep tuned into the PSAS blog as we monitor this deteriorating situation throughout the day...

Consolation Preview - #10 The Thanatoids vs. #11 Skins All the Way

The two lowest scoring squads in the PSAS met recently in Week 10, and bizarrely, it was not that low-scoring of an affair. Both teams finished at 4-9 in the face of unprecedented levels of depth throughout the league. Still both have reasons to be positive in the face of their minimal achievements. Skins are an expansion team - and one to whom nobody gave much attention, until they rattled off three victories against the Ephesian school, and topped their season off with hard fought win against the Ferries. The 'Toids have managed to salvage a season marred by a ridiculous draft strategy and taking over the commissioner's duties, and actually pulled out a few wins. Now they must battle for much needed draft seeding, winning might be the difference between another losing season and next year's most improved team.

Location:
HAARP Facility

The Thanatoids - The Deadish Ones averaged 87.5 points per game. That's not going to get the job done, especially when your opponents average 109 ppg. Looking at their schedule in the pre-season you might have known they'd have a hard time, playing EMP and JGPB twice each. But there's no complaining on this squad. They didn't get the job, done, period. The 'Toids scored over 90 only 5 times this season. Their attachment to their original draft strategy has meant that they have an extremely low ceiling, but they reach it rather consistently, and they've beaten 4 out of the 5 other consolation squads so they're not a bad sleeper pick in this tourney. The Deadish Ones are led by Drew Brees at QB, who couldn't single-handedly will them into the playoffs like last year, but is still the 2nd most titrated QB in the league. Steven Jackson at RB is the only other top flight pick on the squad, but team hopes are high for recent acquisition Sidney Rice at wideout. Much speculation has swirled around injured RB Ryan Torain (traded from EMP early in the season) who may be a surprise start on Sunday. Torian's only big game coincided with the 'Toid's highest score, if he's back they could be a legitimate contender in the Consolation.

Skins All the Way - The Skins averaged only 75.1 ppg this year. How, you might ask, did they win any games with a point average like that? By being incredibly erratic, that's how. Although the Skins never broke 100, they ranged between 99.8 and a league low score of 45.2 against BDT. Additionally, their opponents only averaged only 91.1 ppg, good for 4th lowest in the league (every team with lower points against made the playoffs). In one of those strange statistical anomalies, nobody even broke 110 against the Skins. The Skins are led by an NFC East RB tandem of McCoy and Jacobs, both of whom should get quality looks this weekend. Josh Freeman is at QB with a decent match-up against a bend-but-don't-break Saints D. Larry Fitzgerald and Hightower are the two big variables here - the Cardinals offense is about as erratic as the Skins. If they show up, the Skins will be in it to win it. It's important to remember that as an expansion team the Skins drafted last this year. At the very least they'll draft 6th this year, and with a keeper league they can start building a better team. Every win here is just more icing on the cake.

Consolation Preview - #9 Grossman Sachs vs. #12 SanFranciscoFerries

These two matched up for a close one in Week 8, and this one figures to be no different as they fight for pride and draft seeding. Grossman Sachs took the first match-up by a 2.4 point margin, which was indicative of the Ferries lost season, but it's a clean slate in the Consolation Tourney. The Heartbreak Kids have had some other body parts broken, over the course of the season, and now they'll look to stay alive long enough to get some of those walking wounded back into titrating shape. The Sachs came within a few yards of a playoff spot, nearly upsetting EMP in the week 13. But they'll need to install some new bioware if they want to honor the Eleatic league with a consolation victory here.

Location: Bohemian Grove

Grossman Sachs - The Sachs averaged 97.2 points per game, but dropped their last four to get knocked out of playoff contention. That's somewhat misleading, since the Sachs broke 100 in 3 out of 4 of those games But finishing with three playoff squads proved too tough for the Bankers, and here they may need some Matrix ponytail plugins to push into the 2nd round . The Sachs are led by titration sensation Michael Vick at QB and their scoring potential is largely largely tied to his performance in Dallas this week. Behind that they have consistent titrators in the TO Show, Welker, Mendenhall and Lewis. Other than those it's a mixed bag of injuries, handcuffs and rookies for the Sachs. The Bankers broke 120 pts only once this season, despite breaking 100 7 times. Before Vick was starting their ceiling hovered in the high 80s. They're the most consistent team in the consolation tournament, but they're not unbeatable any given Sunday. In a close game, Bears' kicker Gould could make the difference, since he regularly attempts 1-2 kicks over 40 yards per game.

SanFranciscoFerries - The Ferries averaged 97.6 points per game, good for fifth best in the league, but finished in 12th place. You do the math. There' s a lot of luck, week in and week out in this league. And the Ferries arguably got the worst end of it. Some of that luck was with injuries, Pierre Thomas and Joseph Addai have sat on this team's bench, long enough to gain New York residency. With them consistently in play, Ferries are a playoff team. A week 6 tie against the Sith made things even more mathematically difficult. But just because this team slipped into the subconscious of the league in the 2nd half, doesn't mean they can't be a nightmare to deal with. Thomas is reportedly back and that could turn the tables here. The San Francisco Treats are led by warhorse Peyton Manning at QB and his partner in crime Garcon at WR, Andre Johnson fills out the wide spots. Fred Jackson holds down one of the RB slots admirably, but a Ricky Williams isn't a serious RB2. Green Bay's Defense could make the difference with a favorable match-up against the Lions, giving the team a chance to score over 100 for the first time since week 6.

'Toids Owner Throws Down Gauntlet, Challenges Torain to Return Book He Borrowed

Gloves seem to be piling up around the feet of hamstrung Redskins RB Ryan Torain.  Only days after he was challenged by Head Coach Mike Shanahan to return to the playing field, The Thanatoids' owner has challenged the back to return a book he borrowed several months ago.  The book in question, a first edition paperback of Donald Barthelme's The Amateurs, a collection of the American author's short fiction, is believed to have been borrowed by Torain at a team party sometime in September of this year.  A spokesman for the 'Toids organization said "Seriously, the book is like 150 pages long.  Ryan's a smart guy and the doctors tell us that everything's fine.  So, yeah, we expect him to be able to read and return literature in a timely manner to the team library. Continued the spokesman, "I mean, come on, it's not like we're asking him to play football or anything..."

BREAKING: EMP Resigns From PSAS

EMP AD Urban Meyer leaving discussions with PSAS Commissioner last Tuesday, bitterly disappointed

GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA - el mundo pequeno is stepping down as member of the

Pre-Socratic AllStarz fantasy football league, Athletics Director Urban Meyer
announced Wednesday afternoon. el mundo captured one National Championship in his three years in the PSAS (2009), two Regular Season Championships (2008 and
2010), one Eleatic School crown (2009) and led his Thales Eclipse/psychdog/el mundo pequeno teams to three straight Playoff appearances. He named himself “Coach of the Decade” in December of 2010.

EMP stated in the press release: “I am enormously grateful to the Pre-Socratic Allstarz

and our tremendous fans for giving me the incredible opportunity
to lead the EMP fantasy football program. The support provided by commissioner Thanatoids

and Reserve Chairman BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng has been an
invaluable part of all that we have been able to accomplish over the
last three years. Most importantly, I will be forever grateful to the athletes I have had the honor to

draft and coach-up and from whom I have learned so much. I will profoundly miss
coming to work every day and spending more time than I'd like to admit analyzing each and every matchup, but I will always be a Pre-Socratic at heart, and I am confident that the League will continue to reflect the highest ideals of pre-Socratic thought and professional sports.”

EMP’s three-year record in the PSAS is 32-12 (.727), including a

League-record stretch of 10-straight consecutive wins in 2008.

The last year, however, has been a mess after EMP lost a close Division race with the Phat Girlz

to close out the season. EMP also came under fire early in the season

for the way he ran the League as commissioner. Those close to him say this

hurt him deeply after having put his heart and soul in helping build the League from the ground up. Feeling pressure to resign, EMP did just that after week 7, quickly handing the reigns over to close confidant The Thanatoids. However, this decision proved costly, sources say, as EMP lost league influence fast and was unable to enact his agenda behind the scenes with the Thanatoids in charge. This conflict came to a boiling point during off the record negotiations with the Thanatoids last Monday and Tuesday, which EMP AD Urban Meyer characterized as an "utter failure" without divulging the nature of the talks. Rumors swirled that the rift between the Thanatoids and EMP had grown so large that a reconciliation was impossible. An EMP spokeperson denied this, however. It's no secret that EMP was working hard to get Vickskennel.com banished from the League, while the Thanatoids has been publicly noncommittal, stating that he will revisit the issue during the offseason. The true nature of the talks remains a mystery still.

Sensing the noose tightening EMP scheduled a shoddily planned news conference to announce his resignation this Monday, but was talked out of it at the last moment by BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng. The result was a media disaster which further tarnished EMP's image as a petty fear mongeror too out of touch with the modern ambitions of a League now finishing its most successful season ever. Those close to him had hoped EMP would have a change of heart, citing EMP's recent activity on the waiver as recently as last night, but apparently that was not enough to rekindle a fire to compete that has somehow, someway been extinguished by forces currently unknown.

No word yet on who, if anyone, will coach EMP for the 2010 Playoffs at press time.

Playoff Preview - #3 Int'l Necronauts vs. #6 Vickskennel.com

The undercard in this weekend's 1st round playoff tournament game is an Ephesian grudge match that pits the Necronauts, who sailed into the division title, vs the Kennel Klub, who fell from grace multiple times but are out for redemption as an underdog. Vicks took the first match-up in happier times for them (week 4) - that win put Vicks at 3-1 and the Nauts at 1-3. The Nauts would plumb the depths of hell at 2-5, before ripping off 6 straight wins to finish out. Vicks on the other hand, finished with a gentleman's C winning two out of their last seven. Who controls the Asian division? Who's offerings does Artemis favor?

Location: Temple of Artemis, Ephesus

Int'l Necronauts - The Necronauts check in as the fourth highest scoring team over the course of the season at 1318.6. That's good for an average of 101.4. But that's carrying an under-titrated first half along with it. Of late, the Nauts are the most consistently bad ass team on the block - averaging 116.6 over the last 6 games (more than a 17 point improvement over their average over the first 7!) That alone gets the Necronauts the Most Improved Player award running away. And speaking of running away, if the Dead Sailors are moving out of round 1 that's exactly how they're going to do it. With a backfield line-up of Adrian Peterson and Cedric Benson, backed by talented kids with high-upsides like Ivory and Choice - this team has legs to spare. But their hands are nothing to sneeze at either with Manningham, Calvin Johnson & Steve Johnson leading a powerful receiver corps. If they have a weakness it's in the QB spot, but with Conservative Cassel going this weekend against a tough Chargers pass D, the Nauts will hope he'll keep his TD/Interception ratio as positive as it's been so far this year. With these kind of guns below deck, it's difficult to imagine the Nauts going sub-100 this week either. They should treat this game as a showcase, a chance to do some saber-rattling and drive up ratings for their prospective 2nd round match-up with BDT.

Vickskennel.com - The hobbled Dogs have shot themselves in the foot so many times, there was little surprise when WR standout Dez Bryant literally hobbled himself last week with a broken leg. The most interesting news about the Kennel Klub this week may be whether or not the Commissioner has to set this team's line-up for them, or whether they intend to reclaim the reigns of the team. They've averaged 96.2 points per game over the season. But, almost a mirror image of the Naut's Tale of Two Seasons, Vickskennel never recovered from an emotional loss to the Thanatoids in Week 6. Up to that point they had a five game streak of 100+ games, since then only two (both of which they won). A lot of anger has swirled around this franchise - words like "black stain" and "betrayal" and "robot team" refuse to go away. Showing back up and upsetting the rabble's chosen team before Christmas would be a proper way to regenerate their bad boy image. The team is led by standouts Phillip Rivers at QB and Ray Rice at RB, but after that there's a sharp drop off. With two Jets and a Dolphin in the 2nd tier category Vicks may be hoping for a shoot out in a game that could easily end up south of 17 pts between the teams. They'll need more than 100 to win this game, and it's difficult to see how it happens if they don't log on the damn website.

Requiem for a Universe

On the eve of the 2010 PSAS playoffs, your beloved bankers at Grossman-Sachs congratulate those who we don't think cheated. This complete list can be found at: www.wikileaks.com/grossmansachs/weonlytrustskinsalltheway.gov

The rest of you, take note.

The legal team at Grossman-Sachs (headed by time-machine waiver pickups John Adams and Johnny Cochran) filed a lawsuit today at The International Court of Justice in The Hague, Netherlands, demanding the quartering of ten PSAS owners.

There's only one way to deal with a traitor.

Swiss Theologian Johann Kaspar Lavater said "He who purposely cheats his friend, would cheat his god." Now, before you get all weepy-eyed about our friendship, let us clarify: We are not your friend; we are your God. We know that some of you are friends with each other, and since you're all cheats, that means you'll try to cheat your g0dz or even your Godbank. And try you did. Where did it get you? The playoffs? You're talking about playoffs?! We're trying to save the world from Persian Magi, child assassins, Tim Tebow and genetics, and you're talking about playoffs?!

John Adam has a huge ass and he's tempting The International Court of Justice with it.

Maybe it's too late. Maybe this was all for naught. We tried to save you, but you were too stubborn, too stupid, too human. Seeing as how this is the end of days, the chilling death-rattle of a once proud universe, it probably can't hurt to let you in on what's really happening.

We know you're a bit thick, so we'll try to keep this as simple as possible. The Pre-Socratic All-Starz is a fantasy football league, complete with a waiver wire, cute little message board posts and even its own blog, but it's also an interdimensional wargame simulating the apocalypse due to the destruction of the timelife/infinitedeath membrane, also known as the 66 Degree Parallel or Mendoza Line. The results of the past two-and-a-half millenia of pre-socratic research prove that when people discover they are slaves, their only recourse is to drop Beanie Wells and complain about a virtual fiat currency. This lack of disincentive to cheating/slave-owning creates two mutually-exclusive classes: those willing to enslave, and those willing to be enslaved. As the enslavers abuse their power (i.e. The PSAS Commisioner's Teapot Dome Scandal of 2009, or the entire 2010 PSAS season) they will eventually be ignored by their slaves, and turn to cheating each other. Once that grows old, they cheat their G0dz.

Here you can see a photographer's interpretation of the PSAS Leage, aka "Operation Looking Glass", the lesson as always, Annie Lebowitz is a pedophile.

Unfortunately, nobody listened to Grossman-Sachs when we warned you all to give us your PSAS reserve currency, kill your Godz, make yourself virtual, then kill yourself in the RL. Why not? In the now harrowing words of Black Helicopter, because you're all transfixed with the waiver wire. Don't you get it? If you had killed you're G0dz, we wouldn't be facing The Five Catastrophes of the Ages:

1. The Godz send their reptilian minion Godzilla to wreak havoc on the coasts and in accordance to the prophecies to wipe one chicken sandwich restaurant off the face of the Earth. (Halloween 2010, Rex Grossman kills 123, rips the heart out of 85,000 Redskin fans, and destroys a Chic-Fil-A in King of Prussia, PA)

2. The Godz give Prometheus a drink so potent it can rip the flesh off a petrified elephant. Prometheus gives it to man, planting the seeds of their destruction (Four Loko, obvs)

3. The Godz convince man that his humanity is the one thing he should cherish over technology, ensuring the work of pioneer salt-of-the-earth groups trying to create supermen would only be met with skepticism and apathy. This is the equivalent to crossing the River Styx and taking all the boats with you. Now man is left on the wrong side of existence, floundering in the limbo of being carbon-based, and never able to challenge our Godz for the reclamation of our souls. But, it's cool, the ability to have hemorrhoids was more important to you.

Despite Grossman's attempt to save humanity with his God Particle, everyone will die.

4. The International Necronauts, aka The Dead Pirates, aka Cheron, the ferry captain granting passage across the River Styx, will win the 2010 PSAS Title, traversing The Mendoza Line, allowing the dead to inherit the earth, bringing Nazis, Socratics, Pestilence, the "miscarried" youngest brother in the Bush family, and Captain Kangaroo into your living room to rape and disembowel your children/dog/PSAS bank acct. The only plus side of this will be the return of Corey Haim, perenially stuck in his role from Crank 2: High Voltage.

If the Necronauts ever offer you a water taxi ride, DO NOT ACCEPT.

5. Whoever survives will decide on how many players should be keeper players.

When Corey Haim comes back from the dead, he's going to have a lot to say about the Keeper Policy.

So, that'll be that. We hope you're happy. Thankyou for banking with Grossman-Sachs, and don't worry about us, the Bank has always been here, will always be here (no matter what our mailboy Jullian Assange says), and has an all-new drafting strategy for next year.