their Chief Executive Officer this past week in a document oddly titled: An Open Apology (Not for Distribution). Rex Grossman escaped from custody sometime Sunday afternoon. It's still unclear how he escaped from his cage at Grossman-Sachs headquarters (666 Wall St, beneath Federal Hall). What is all too clear, however, is that Rex Grossman is not meant for this world.Follow Grossman's Reign of Terror Here on GoogleMaps!
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It all began around noon on Halloween Sunday, October 31st, 2010, when Ol' Zeke, Grossman's lead trainer/programmer entered the basement holding area and could immediately tell something wasn't right. "Rex has a very distinct scent, you see," Zeke began. "It's an overpowering blend of Buffalo Dung, Sulfur, Icelandic Smelt Guts, and Cinnamon. The first few years you're exposed to it you'll experience symptoms similar to the stresses on the body at 5-times gravitation (muscle clenching, nausea, skin melting,) but after a while, I think enough neurons die off in your brain that you're almost drawn to the smell." What Zeke describes are symptoms similar to Toxicplasmosis, which makes rats drawn to the smell of cat urine (ordinarily the ultimate rat repellent) after contracting a virus. "Anyway, the smell was still there, sure," Zeke continued, "but you could tell right away Rex was gone. It's like, yeah, a hydrogen bomb has a hell of an aftermath, nothing like you've ever seen before, but that's really nothing compared to the instant of astronomical light and heat that preceded it. That's the best way to describe it; being around Rex is like spending time frozen in a nuclear explosion. The basement at noon only showed the fallout."
Nobody knows how Grossman escaped from his cage beneath the watchful eye of George WashingtonGrossman was next seen at a Chic-fil-A in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania. Tammy, the lone survivor from the Queen of Prussia wing of the mall that is King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, was still shaking when she was pulled off the nearby radio tower three hours after Rex's visit. "It was like he was made of avalanches, you know? All this unbelievable power snowballing further and further out-of-control, but you can still see exactly what's gonna happen next. I saw him just rip a guy in half because he was wearing a Tebow jersey; it was insane. And my friend Gina, she got, well, I can't even say it..." What she can't say, we can't print, because it's now a matter of national security.
"All matters relating to the past, present, and future, of Rex Grossman are hereby classified under the State Secrets privilege," President Obama declared late Sunday night. "There are too many unknowns still to be discovered, too many risks of any of this information falling into the wrong hands, and too many lives at stake to overlook such necessities in the name of a 'Free Press.' I know it may not be a particularly popular decision, especially on the eve of elections, but I will not succumb to the demands of a small minority of Grossman Truthers."
Grossman's agent, Commodore Jessup Jurivicious-- a former NAVY Intelligence Officer, released the following statement. "While this is a sad day for America, and an embarassing day for Grossman-Sachs, Rex wants everyone to know he does not regret his actions; his only regret is that he didn't get to throw an interception."
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