Stock Market Week 4

All right gents, same rules as last week. 5 PRN per pick.  Check my numbers, check your bets.  Get 'em in before tonight's game.  Happy hunting.


1-3  - Blue Chip
4-6  - Red Chip
7-9 - Penny Stock
10-12 - Junk Bonds

                    Blue Chip      Red Chip       Penny Stock        Junk Bond

Blue Chip            5                 4                      3                        2

Red Chip            10               5                       4                        3

Penny Stock        15                10                   5                        4

Junk Bond          20                15                   10                        5


Give me a heads up if you see a mistake in my line here.

TTM [4]  vs. PB [10]

CD [4] vs SFF [10]

PG [20] vs. BDT [2]

PL  [15]  vs. GS [3]

TR [15]  vs. AE [3]

Trich [10] vs. HSNB [4]

Week 4 P0\/\/3R R4/\/k1/\/gZ

Week 3 saw another dramatic shift to the middle with the undefeated trimmed from four to two and the un-won from four to one.  In a week dominated by officiating craziness and several super b34st running performances yet again the happy QB land of 2011 seemed very far away.  Standouts Brady and Rodgers respectively 1 and 3 last year ranking 11th and 21st in QB fantasy performance overall.  Sure, it's an arbitrary sample, but the big QBs did not produce the 0v3rK1LL numbers of September last.  Is it the officials?  New systems? Offensive line breakdowns?  Week 3 saw that first big wave of injuries wash over the league just in time for the bye weeks.  


1.) BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng   (last week 3)   3-0
-A thunderbolt drives the universe, and boy did a thunderbolt fall on MNF, right on Grossman's head.The German Philosophers completed (?)  a complicated round of trading to sidestep what appeared to be a draft decision to avoid their favored Cowboy franchise.  Trading for chronic underperformers is one way to get unexpected value.  Bryant looked utterly close to breaking a PR TD which could have shined the surface here a bit.  Dalton is the backup, so you'd have to imagine that Romo gets at least another week audition for the starter job.  Rice and Foster are both still B34stin' so there's no real reason for Heidegger's  boys to panic.  BDT stole one when Rodgers got sacked nine times on MNF, but end results count first in this game.  They're 3-0 in the Milesian division with the number 2 and 3 scoring RB in the league - the team to beat in the Milesian going into the Bye Weeks. 

Next week - Phat Girlz  - BDT will face a Girlz squad that has some swagger back in their step.  We expect that every point will be key in this one. If BDT continues to struggle with the flex they may regret moving F-Jax who now looks certain to reclaim his bell-cow job in Buffalo.  

2.) AEthernauts  (Last week - #1) -  2-1
The Nauts couldn't ascend to triple digits in Week 3 and got their wings clipped by a hungry Cincinnati franchise.  Vick led the way in lowered expectations, held under 10 points by the Cardinals.  Johnson & Johnson prescribed dual double digits again.  But the Nauts ground game totaled 16 in three slots.  Still it's hard to fault a team that has the depth to sit Turner Overdrive and Pierre Thomas. Picking the right three to maximize that ground complement will determine their fate in the bye weeks.  

Next week -  Tusken Raiders - The Explorers will try to go stratospheric again against the Star Wars Franchise in the first bye week.    

3.) TakingTigerMountain (last week 2)  3-0
TTM picked up a third straight victory and a share of Zeus' Thunderbolt in Week 3.  Still a brace of injury and depth chart changes will make TTM's stay in the blue chips a cliffhanger. The Spiller Thriller came to a crashing halt with an ill-timed shoulder injury, and Kevin Smith got tossed aside for the more dynamic Leshoure.   Underwhelming Stafford got pulled with a leg injury, but the first bye week will keep Luck from making his first start in Week 4.  MJD and AP will have to be the bulwark against a landslide through the bye weeks if the Tigers are going to roar in the Eleatic again in 2012.    

Next week - ThePelicanBrief    -  The Mountaineers will face a revitalized Legal Thrillers with a new attitude and a positive number in the win column.  Two starter byes, an QB question mark and an injury to the surprise superstar could easily rack up some bets against TTM in this one.

1. 4.)  GrossmanSachs  (last week 6) 3-0  2-1

-The Sachs picked up their third straight victory and a share of Zeus' thunderbolt by triumphing in yet another MNF matchup.  The Sachs are all but guaranteed to be the most exciting team this year's first half, riding comebacks in three straight weeks.  You don't often win when your two RB positions pick up a combined 3 points, and trade-in captain Rodgers couldn't pick up the slack against a tough Seahawks pass rush.. They'll be utterly dinged up going into week four with Wells, McGahee, McCluster and Hillis all suffering minor injuries.

Next week - Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylz®    -  Even with the injuries the Sachs will be betting favorites over the hard luck Eleatic franchise.  Rodgers and the three Wide-skateers will have to put the team on their back if they're going to stick with BDT until their week 12 rematch.

5.)  Cincinnati Dangles (last week 8)   2-1
-The Dangly Ones have ascended the rankings for the second straight week after a disappointing opening loss to the Mountain. AJ Green let 'em hang low for another big number and now looks like an elite piece of this squad. There's still not much bench here, so the Dangles will gamble with a 3rd WR week to week.  When they hit, they will be in the top half if Brees can keep north of 20 pts going forward.

Next week -SanFranciscoFerries - a show-me game here, the Dangles can prove they belong in the Red chips by knocking the Ferries back to the Milesian. 

6.) ThePelicanBrief  (last week t.9)  1-2
-Walking on Sunshine and #trollfree, the new positivist face of the Legal Thrillers agreed with them this week.  RG3 continues to impress. Run DMC seems to be pushing RB1 status.  Schaub looked good on the bench.  If F-Jax's can reacquire bell-cow status sooner rather than later we may well see PB in Blue Chip status for the first time this season. Early returns would have to say they won their trades so far, which is good news since Amendola cost them a competitive waiver budget for the rest of the year.

Next week - TakingTigerMountain - PB has a chance to play kingslayer against the commish's ailing franchise.  If FJax takes Spiller's place it could easily run a 40 point swing between the clubs.

7.)  SanFranciscoFerries (last week 5)   1-2
-The Ferries ran into a Trichs franchise that was still seething over last week's close run loss.  Any time you pick up triple digits, you've got an even shot at a victory.  But this one looked like an uphill battle after Thursday night lowballs from Cam & Cruz.  The Treats have to be excited to see Charles back in B34st mode, even if it is against a hapless Saints defense.  With McCluster dinged, he should have the job to himself for a couple more weeks at least.

Next week -  Cincinnati Dangles    -  Red on Red match-up is anyone's guess this week.  If Cam can get back in action in-division vs. Atlanta, the Ferries should be right there.

8.) Tusken Raiders (last week 4) 1-2
-The Raiders couldn't pick up a third straight triple digit in Week 3 and got cut down.  Reggie Bush's midgame injury knocked the Raiders out of competition in this one.  If they can get Bradshaw back this week, they may still be able to run out two 1st string backs, but it'll keep them out of Red Chip status for now. 

Next week - ThePelicanBrief  - The Tuskens face a tough test against the new look Brief, they'll need to be in triple digits for a third straight week to compete here.

9.) HomeSpunNeckBloodz (last week 7)   1-2
-The Spinners crashed and burned  against the Girlz in Week 4.  Several red flags require a downgrade here.  Peyton's numbers are still good, but his accuracy leaves something to be desired.  CJ0K is now a legitimate bench option with the Titans finding ways to score, but no way to utilize him at all.  Forte's possible return from ankle injury would be welcome, but until somebody steps up they're going to be operating with at least 1 RB2, and a WR in flex, which will limit their upside week-to-week.

Next week -Trichotillomaniacs  - the Bloodz will need a dominant air attack to shut down an insurgent Easterners.


T. 10.) Trichotillomaniacs (last week 12) 1-2
-The Hair-Pullers enjoyed some victory cake in week 3 after a clutch upset of the Ferries.  It was a banner week all around for the Far East as they picked three of the key upsets and receive a windfall of week 3 payouts.  The Trichs need a Nicks to get healthy sooner rather than later after trading former UNC and Trichs WR for unstable Bryant.  Speaking of Cowboys, it might be time to cut bait with Witten, who's not looked like himself this year.  If Stewart can get back on the field, the Trichs could actually have three starting backs - quite an achievement giving where they started two weeks ago.

Next week -HomeSpunNeckBloodz    - the Far East will face a reeling Spinners club in Week 4 with a good chance to put another scalp on their belt.  With the first bye week the Trichs will likely have to put up some of that Stock Market cash for a replacement for R-burger.

T. 10.) Phat Girlz (last week 11)  1-2
-The Girlz sashayed to a stylish win in Week 3 with their first triple digit. Mike Wallace showed shades of last year, putting up an 18  - though his bye is next week.  Colston and Graham sputtered along with New Orleans in general.  With Lynch M0b, S-Jax and Matthews the Girlz have a legit three headed attack - albeit one that's a little worse for wear. 

Next week -BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng  -  The Girlz may need Eli to have another career day to take down BDT without Wallace, but they've got the pieces to pull an upset here.

12.) Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylz®  (last week T.9)  0-3
-The Primordial Ones' leave of absence to focus on Twitter hurt the team in week 3 as they gave away a winnable game vs. the Commish.  The good news is that Mike Leshoure looks dynamic and ready to take over a starting roll in Detroit.  The bad news is that PL left his 19 points on the bench.  Still moving forward with 1 WR1, 2 RB1 and a QB-TE double titration is formidable. 

Next week - GrossmanSachs   - the Stylez will take a shot at the top, where they will no doubt draw a few investments after this weeks round of bullish upsets.  It's bye week time and this is where turnarounds start.  If  Leshoure starts this one should be too close to call. 

Moving On: the Trichotillomaniacs of the Far East

By Bill Williamson; ESPN Far East Blogger

Here are some areas the Trichotillomaniacs need to work on following 113-108.40 win over the SanFranciscoFerries in week 3:

Recap:  Ben Roethlisburger and FA acquisition Andre Brown both exploded in scoring over 30 points to give the Trichs their first win of the 2012 season. 

Biggest area to build on:  The Far East crew finally looks like a team that can compete on weekly basis with Roethlisburger and Vernon Davis consistently scoring points.  Alfred Morris looks to remain in the feature back role for Mike Shanahan’s dominant zone blocking scheme, giving the team a much-needed solid RB output.  RGIII cannot keep getting hit like he does every week for the Redskins, and Morris will be asked to handle the bulk of carries to minimize wearing down the rookie sensation QB.  Morris’s physical running reminds me of a certain Shanahan late-rounder that flourished under the master--- Terrell “TD” Davis.  The team’s strategy to hoard second-tier and handcuff RBs may finally be paying off, with players such as Jacquizz Rodgers and Lamar Miller getting significant touches as more than change-of-pace backs due to their respective starters struggle-off field (Turner) and injury (Bush).  Although Jonathan Dwyer regressed when he fumbled the ball, Jonathan Stewart looks to be ready to compete after two weeks rest.  Carolina offense is so much more potent with Stewart on the field, and he has a nose for the endzone.  One back from this group will probably fill the Flex position next week.

Biggest area to fix:  The Receivers.  The tandem Jordy Nelson and waiver pickup Donnie Avery only managed 3 pts combined.  TE Jason Witten, starting at Flex, scored 0 pt in the worst game of his NFL career.  Had the team lost, theirs would have been the eyebrows that got pulled.  Although Hakeem Nicks’s rejoining the team may provide a solid starting option at WR, he is also injury prone and can often be a cause of concern.  The team gave up on Justin Blackmon after two weeks.  GM General Far East was in a trade talk with one unnamed team that’s shown interest in him to get a player or waiver money in return, but in the end he decided to release the talented-yet-unproductive rookie.  A-Rodg’s struggle directly affected Nelson’s production this week.  He caught only two passes for 18 yards in his game against Seattle.  Although hard to imagine Green Bay offense staying low for much longer, it’s difficult to rely on Nelson while Green Bay receivers share the few thrown balls that come their way. 

What to watch for:  They face disappointed HomeSpunNeckBloodz (1-2) in a .500 Bowl.  The dreaded bye starts in week 4, and red-hot Roethlisburger is one of the first to have to sit out this weekend.  The good news is, the team gets over the QB bye early on while there are still many good options available in the market.  WR Nicks is expected to be in the line up, but with the team giving up on Blackmon they can use some help in the position.  Look for the Trichs to seek QB and some receiver help in the waiver wire and FA.  Jason Witten’s days as a Mania may be numbered because of his continued lack of production.

Week 3 Stock Profits & Dividends

The first pay market drew wide participation and took broad profits from some obvious ranking shifts in the works. Four Three big upsets put the Rankings to shame, and we'd be surprised to see them diverge as far from the Total Point tally next week. Franchises not investing will find their cash devalued quickly if there's another week like this.  Profit is the only cure for inflation...

The Results

TTM outlasted PL - costing the Trichs -5

Pelicans took out the Raiders - paying off +10 to TTM, GS, SFF

Dangles smushed the Nauts - paying off +15 to Trichs, GS

Trichs picked off the SFF - paying off +15 to HSNB, Trichs

PG knocked off HSNB - paying off +10 to Trichs, TTM, AE **

GS got clipped by BDT - costing the Sachs -5

Trichs +35
TTM  +20
GS +20 
HSNB +15
SFF +10
AE +10

Investment Dividends

Pb +6
CD +4
PL +2
Trich +4
PG +6
GS +2

Total Change ***

Trich +39
GS +22 
TTM +20
HSNB +15
SFF +10
AE+10
PG +6
PB +6
CD +4
PL +2

**note I'm not counting SFF's hanging chad vote for "PB" (PG), gotta check your orders people.
***please check my results and let me know if anything needs changing.

“The sibyl neither reveals nor conceals, but gives a sign…”

Reports are circulating within the special intelligence directorate of the French Legation in Texas, that BDT General Manager and VP of Hypermordial Dialectics C.W. Phinizy already finds himself at the wrong end of a heated power struggle.

The primordial fire which gave birth to the kosmos

Nestled deep behind enemy lines, in a temporary bunker below the central altar at Mission Nuestra Señora del Espíritu Santo de Zúñiga near the Texas coast, Hermodorus – owner of the legendary BDT franchise, itself steeped in a long tradition of near-mythological exceptionalism – has turned up the heat on returning GM, C.W. Phinizy.

C.W. Phinizy is said to be in hiding beneath this historic Spanish mission near the Third Coast of Texas

Phinizy opened the season with two blockbuster deals: first sending erstwhile child-soldier Dez Bryant to BDT in exchange for Hakeem Nicks, a perennial favourite of the Trix. Less than 24 hours later, BDT then acquired Dr. Antonine “∞” Φυσις Romo from Pelicans, in exchange for Fred Jackson, David “Fumble N Cry” Wilson and Ms. Matthew Goldenstein Schaub.

Dez Bryant, prior to his now-infamous meeting with Deion Sanders (pic licensed from Kony2012 theatrical release) 

Romo’s return to BDT – coupled with Dez’s ascension to WR1 status in the BDT offense – was meant to institute a Golden Age™, a Renaissance, a “rebirth” of the oft-invoked, though hardly “understood” (insofar as truth “truths”), double titration.

The "Four-fold" (#mysterycult) 

Phinizy’s rise to prominence during the 2011 season coincided with his deployment of the dangerous triple- and then later, quadruple-titration (obscenely evinced one week in which Romo, Miles Austin, Demarco Murray and Dan Bailey all took the field in a win*).  Now, however, the cheap sentimentality, self-indulgence, and moral depravity –in short the complete abjection of double titration as a working theory in 2012 – is readily apparent. Just 48 hours after the trade was approved, “∞” Romo and Dez combined for 11 points, as the team tellingly stalled 6/10ths of a point under 100.

Phinizy’s strategy – trading with mentally unstable General Managers to acquire marquee franchise stars – completely backfired in Week 3. Backup QB Andy Dalton put up 24 points on the bench (clearly burning Phinizy after being previously “left to dry” during Operâcion Hornéd Frog), as scab TE sub Rudolph put up 14 points.

Antonine “∞” Φυσις Romo's depiction of his previous General Manager, PelicanBrief, as drawn during a deep regressive therapy session (#OperationBernays)

So far, Phinizy’s experiment is a compleat failure. We'll see what the Fates have in their store for Week 3.

Tightening the Belt

As I'm sure you know, the world's adult population is currently 16.5 million tons overweight. This should sadden all of us, but strangely, some Americans think football is more important than a #globalfightagainstobesity. Aaron Rodgers is not one of those people. That's why tonight, he has vowed to score at least 16.5 PSAS-certified fantasy points, hopefully bringing a few smiles and a few tighter belt buckles to America along with way. 

For his entire career, every time Aaron Rodgers scores a touchdown he's tried telling America to slim down. Despite his efforts, the country and much of the world is still tragically overweight.

"The world's weight problem has always been important to Aaron," notes Executive Chef for The Phat Girlz, Oprah Winfrey. "Every time I have fat removed from my ass to sell to the Kardashian's plastic surgeon, I tweet Aaron about it. He doesn't usually respond, because his status almost always says, "Underwater Shaketraining," but this past week he did write back "Suprdupr! K33P it UP! Wish u wrnt holding d0nut in pic tho!"

To celebrate Aaron's 16.5 points for 16.5 million tonz campaign, Aaron brought a series of props to the launch party held on Jay Cutler's blimp. 

This Sikhote-Alin Metorite weighs 16.5 grams. If it weighed as much as the world's obesity, it would be almost the size of Rex Grossman's left tesitcle (which was removed at birth, never stopped growing, and is currently kept under the watchful eye of GloboChem in Antarctica.)

Even the Europeans are getting in on the fun, as Mariano Rajoy, Spanish Prime Minister, vowed to slash 16.5 billion euros from their budget, in an ill-fated attempt to outbid The Pelican Brief for Danny Amendola.

When Aaron scores at least 16.5 points tonight, he recommends capturing it on this Tokina At-X  16.5-135mm Wide Range Lens. Keep that zoomed all the way out to see Dez Bryant crying when Rodgers scores!

VPI's HW-16.5 Record Cleaner is now the official record cleaner of the PSAS! It will be used to erase any losses the commisionerz office may accrue over the next 12 weeks. 

And finally, this size 16.5 mule saddle is perfectly designed for 5' to 5'5" 180 to 200 lb "Pear-Shaped Women".   Aaron Rodgers said "I stole it from Romo's mom and I'm gonna ride her outta town on it myself tonight."

[HACKED] BREAKING! Pelican Brief Throws Full Support Behind #TrollFree2012 Movement

<<<<<HELLO WORLD>>>

<<<REVERZE TROLLING MUST END>>>>

Short statement from Shaun Boyle:

"I've spent the last three seasons trolling everyone and I finally see the error of my ways.  I want to apologize to my fellow owners.  This is a new era for me and my organization.  I am literally 'walking on sunshine'!  Let's keep 2012 #TrollFree!  YAY!"

<<<SUNSHINE WALKING DELETED>>

Stock Market - Week 3

We're going live with purchased stocks this week.  Put your pick(s) in the comments here.The investments are 5 PRN per choice (deducted from your FA acquisition budget if you lose).  They will pay out at the same rate as last week.  The team invested in will receive 2 PRN per choice.  We've already got a nice spread from our 100 PRN baseline.  Thanks in part to  Pelican Brief divesting himself of all earthly possessions (so no picks this week Shaun), our spread is now 0-108, with a few teams dipping below 80, but most still in the 80s-90s. Get your picks in before the start of Giants/Panthers tonight.


1-3  - Blue Chip
4-6  - Red Chip
7-9 - Penny Stock
10-12 - Junk Bonds

                    Blue Chip      Red Chip       Penny Stock        Junk Bond

Blue Chip            5                 4                      3                        2

Red Chip            10               5                       4                        3

Penny Stock        15                10                   5                        4

Junk Bond          20                15                   10                        5



TTM [3] vs. PL [15]

SFF [3] vs. Trich [15]

PB [10]  vs. TR [4]

PG [10] vs. HSNB [4]

CD [15] vs. AE [3]

BDT [4]  vs. GS [10]

Give me a heads up if you see a mistake in my line here.

I didn't invent the stock market.  Former Commissioner Psychdog suggested the idea, both name and form, in an email to the PR Chair and myself.  His idea is much cooler and far beyond my humble abilities of implementation.  Additionally, I have not perfected the Stock Market, far from it.  If you have a suggestion, or if you want to help with the PRSM (especially if you have mad spr34ds33t sk1llz) do let me know.

Grow that money, y'all.

Decker Spends One Year Anniversary of Deckergate Quietly …

“It was tough those days,” said Eric Decker as he sat in the Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylz® locker room after practice during week 3. 

He is talking not about the infamous Deckergate, but about days, weeks and months before the incident that brought him spotlight sooner in the Pre Socratic society than the general public.  Days he spent playing Hold’em on Sundays instead of football.  This year he is an every week fantasy starter thanks to the expectation and the buzz the Broncos signing of Peyton Manning has created.  But last year in early September he was still hanging with the rest of the free agents.  Tim Tebow was his QB.  Decker’s pictures were in GQ.  Then the phone rang in the early hours of September 17, and it was the Trichotillomaniacs GM General Far East.  The Trichs, in search for depth at WR and known to give preferences to the Broncos players, bought Decker’s upside in a series of transactions that was infamously termed “the Deckergate” incident.  He had a break out game that weekend although he stayed on the Trichs bench, and he spent the rest of the season with the team, sometimes starting in place of often injured Hakeem Nicks.  Decker has stayed off the waiver/FA list since then, as he began the 2012 season with the Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylz®.

 

Sounding somewhat nostalgic, Decker recalled those days still with a serious face.   “Being in the market sucks big time, bro.  No offense to my gee’z still out there, but that’s the streetz, yo.  Out there it’s not the high end titration shizt like it is in the league, yo.  It’s like sippin’ syrup and cookin’ sudos, bro.  Niggaz be trippin’ ballz everywhere, yo.”

Reminiscing of days with the Trichotillomaniacs brings smile to Decker’s face.  “The Trichs are the bomb, yo.  They are just serious herbalists, bro.  They got skillz, they got choicez, yo.  I don’t mean ‘choicez’ like Chronic or Hydro or Purple Pineapple Wreck.  I’m talkin’ bout Chinese shizt, son.  They got Chin Ching and Chon Chong!”  The team from the Far East is indeed known to treat its players with daily doses of Chinese herbal decoctions as well as providing them with unlimited supply of moxa smoke, and that is what Decker misses the most about.  The herbal atmosphere of the Far East.  Being in the German European culture now with the Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylz®, Decker’s titration scene is more laboratory and chemical.  “When all said and done, bro, it’s poppin’ pills.  Some pilates here and there, and I’m cool with it.  But I really digged smoking and drinking that nature shizt, man.  I really did.”

Last year with the Trichotillomaniacs, Decker exceeded most people’s expectations, especially considering he was a Tebow target.  This year, so far he has been mostly mentioned as an underachiever.  The Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylz® and the rest of the league including the Trichs expected Decker to be Peyton’s favorite pet.  Instead he only has 107 yards receiving with zero TDs for 10.4 pts in two games. 

Meanwhile Denver teammate Demaryius Thomas continues his breakout that started in the second half of last season as he has established to be the Peyton favorite.  It’s looking more like John Elway as Peyton with Rob Smith as Thomas and Ed McCaffery as Decker. 

Perhaps Decker is struggling to avoid becoming another white-second-option Denver Wide Receiver wearing the number 87 jersey.  Decker has often been compared to former Broncos receivers Steve Watson and Ed McCaffery, both white and both wearing 87.  Bill Larson also ended his career with the Broncos wearing 87.  “Man, why you gotta come around bringin’ shizt from the past like that up, yo?  I’m just trying to help my team to play the titration right, bro.  One week at a time, yo.”

Week 3 P0\/\/3R R4/\/k1/\/Gz

Week 2 saw an arithmetic move to the middle.  4 of the 6 week one winners picked up a second victory, leaving each division with pairs of teams at 2-0, 1-1, and 0-2 respectively.  Of the four 0-2 only one was a playoff team last year.  Of the four undefeated, three are 2nd round playoff teams from last year.  Neither end of the mega-trade played to a high level in Week 2, but with Rodgers conservative numbers, you'd have to give round 1 to the Brief and their sorely needed ground game from Frank the Tank.    Is it just me or do half the teams need a tight end this week?  That and the big three QBs from last year are all struggling - is the  QB-era over already?  Week 2's that wonderful kind of time, where the season starts to take shape but everybody's still in play.  It's a cool, early autumn week in New York, a good time for trades, unpacking sweaters, and reminiscing about last years OWS battle scars, even if they are from VD.  Set a course for Rankings -  engage.



1.) AEthernauts  (Last week - #1) -  2-0
The Aetherials have found the track they left off last season and soared to another big win in week 2 over Eleatic challengers Spinners. No one was spectacular this week, but everyone was on the board.  QB Vick put up 21, and Megatron has yet to break out with only 9 and the Jags checked the Andre down to a 2.  McCoy and Sproles both put up double digits, and  Turner sat the bench in favor of Ridley who rolled a 9. The Nauts were in the bottom third of the league in scoring this week, a downgrade will be all but inevitable if the air game doesn't break out.    

Next week - Cincinnati Dangles  -  The mercurial Cincinnati franchise is a danger to all around it.  If the AEthernauts descend below triple digits, they'll be ripe for an upset. 

2.) TakingTigerMountain (last week 3)  2-0-Massive days from Spiller (predicted) and the Packers D/ST, Clay Matthews (unpredicted) hid TTM's QB weakness in Week 2.  Matt Stafford struggled mightily against the best pass defense in the NFC, but did manage to hit Pettigrew for a garbage time double titration.  With Luck's first bench success under his belt, TTM's QB controversy is always only one loss away. QB issues aside, as long as TTM holds three bell-cow RBs you can pencil them for blue-chip - opponents should be vigorously rooting for F-Jax's rehab. 

Next week -  Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylz®  - In an obvious "Yikes" match-up this Commish bowl features growing antagonism, public grudges, lawsuits and a desperate Primordial squad in an in-division shoot out.  We expect to see a range of bets on the current commish's expected misstep here.


3.) BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng   (last week 5)   2-0
-Heidegger's crew picked up a skin-of-their-teeth MNF victory with kicker Matt Bryant finishing off a new look Pelicans squad. BDT won despite drawing two zeros and a  7 from QB2 Schaub.  When they win the story will involve premium backs Rice and Foster who combined for 34.  But this week they got some love from their air attack with Nicks getting the main benefits of the Giants comeback and Lafell drawing 11 as a sleeper pick.  With Gates and Britt still question marks BDT needs a fuller bench stat, or we'll likely see a downgrade next week.

Next week -  GrossmanSachs  - they'll play the other half of the mega trade in week 3, but don't count on Rodgers going as quietly against Seattle this time.

4.) Tusken Raiders (last week 9) 1-1
-In triple digits for the 2nd week in a row, the Raiders picked up an upset over the Ferries in Week 2.  Massive games from Bowe and Bush, together 53, fueled the furnace.  Redman had 9 on their bench, and Bush will get increased looks if Forte misses time.  It could fit nicely with for Tusken FC, if Bradshaw misses a start with his neck injury.  Luck's emergence could make Wayne a viable flex option going forward. Matty Ice and Philip Rivers give the a solid two QB option.    They still need a few more breaks to "show" as long term, but things are starting to look up for the Sand People.

Next week - ThePelicanBrief  - The Tuskens face a tough test against the new look Brief, they'll need to be in triple digits for a third straight week to compete here.

5.)  SanFranciscoFerries (last week 4)   1-1
-The San Francisco Treats' luck ran out in Week 2 as they caught a hot Tuskens FC and took a deathblow from Matty Ice on MNF.  The good news is that carry-over stars Newton and Cruz got down to work in week 2, combining for 58 of their 109.  Jamaal Charles has to be the biggest question mark here, it's been a good while since he's been b34st.  Without him approaching 2010 levels, SFF will roll with a variety of RB2.  Their wildcard week-to-week may be kicking god Akers, who is perfect on the year and perfectly placed in a good-but-not-great offense. 

Next week -  Trichotillomaniacs  - The Ferries will look to rebound against an upwardly mobile Trichs team and pull their way above .500.

6.)  GrossmanSachs  (last week 7) 2-0
-Aaron Rodgers' Sachs' debut failed to impress, but a series of other low-balls sent the Sachs profits careening wildly in Week 2.  They needed miracle-producing visor-aficionado Willis McGahee in the closing minutes of MNF to pull it out.  Fitzgerald got shut down by the Pats.  Fred Davis has yet to find a groove with RGIII, and evidently suffered a concussion.  Oakland's D/ST took the ever-painful negative number. Miles Austin and D-Jax (bench) both picked up double digits in the receiving corps.   Hillis may show increasing signs of life if Charles continues to run like a dead fish for the Chiefs. 

Next week - BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng - the Sachs will look to knock BDT out of the top tier with a first powerful A-Rodg game of the season.     

7.) HomeSpunNeckBloodz (last week 2)   1-1
-The Spinners missed out on a big "show-me" opportunity in Week 2 against the Nauts.  But there's plenty of reason to think that they're a legit playoff threat this year. Peyton's neck held up in another shoot out, even if his numbers bottomed out.  V-Jax's big day gave the Bloodz their Tampa mojo, and if the Buc's offense proves seaworthy this year he's probably going to be a big part of it.  CJ?K's struggles will stay front page news until the Titans find a blocking scheme or he gets a little more creative.  Forte's ankle injury will likely keep the Bloodz out of blue chip for the short term.  But Hernandez's knee injury will force them to go to the wire.

Next week - Phat Girlz  - if the Bloodz can't sift out some help from their bench/wire they'll be an underdog against a ready-to-surge Girlz club.




8.)  Cincinnati Dangles (last week 10)   1-1
-The Dangles picked up a key win over the Primordial ones, despite Brees' continued mediocrity.  Trent Richardson showed up in a big way, dropping 25.  The Green-Ellis law firm picked up another handy double digit, as did AJ Green.  It was enough to cover for a major fantasy mistake, leaving premium receiver Jennings in the lineup though he was out for the Thursday night game.    Though the Dangles didn't have a lot of options to sub, you've got to watch out for those pre-Sunday match-ups.  They still beat 100 this week, but left the door open to a possible Primordial MNF comeback.


Next week -AEthernauts - the Dangles will take a shot at the top with a tough AEthernauts matchup.  If Brees can find his rhthym against KC, the Dangles should be in the mix.

T.9.) Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylz®  (last week 7)  0-2
- the Primordial Ones remained mired in an early season funk in Week 2, dropping one to the Dangles.  Brady hit Gronk again, but failed to provide solid QB1 numbers.   Meanwhile Ben Tate picked up big numbers vs. Jacksonville on the bench.  A predicted 2 WR in a shootout on MNF never materialized to pull them out of a 35 point hole. 

Next week -TakingTigerMountain  - the Commish-bowl will be a tough fought battle this week. Brady/Gronk will revisit last year's AFC championship vs. Baltimore on SNF.  A ray of hope could be Leshoure's reinstatement for the Lions, if he returns to a starting role as predicted.  

T.9.) ThePelicanBrief  (last week 5)  0-2
- BDT spoiled RGIII's debut in Week 2, but there are plenty of reasons to expect big things from the Legal Thrillers.  Frank Gore looked sharp in his trade debut.  Bennett picked up a TD in Eli's rally.  Welker and Smith were both good parts of the air game.  Run DMc low-balled as the Raiders got blown out in Miami, but he's still healthy.  There's the makings of a full team here, we'll see how soon the pieces come together.

Next week - Tusken Raiders- PB will have to get their briefs in order sooner rather than later if they want to avoid going 0-3.  The Raiders should present a good challenge for the new look squad.

11.) Phat Girlz (last week 11)  0-2
-The Girlz plowed ahead with the tough start to their schedule, but ran into the Mountainside this week.  It was a marked improvement from week 1, with Eli throwing for over 500 yards.  Lynch, Wallace and Graham all put up double digits. Benson even put up 11 on the bench.  The good news is that Matthews is reportedly back for Week 3.  If true, it could be balm to the Girlz chafed thighs.

Next week -HomeSpunNeckBloodz- with the Bloodz reeling from injury, the Girlz could be in for an even fight if they can get all hands on deck.

12.) Trichotillomaniacs (last week 12) 0-2
-this year's heartbreak kids got a kick in the teeth on MNF with their favorite team scoring late TDs to steal away a fantasy win, and still the Broncs came up short of RL victory.  We're assuming the Maniacs are bald after last night.  Still, despite the new wound, there's hope for the Trichs.  R-burger is looking particularly efficient.  Vernon Davis is a premium TE.  And Alfred Morris is in sole possession of the Shanahan backfield bonanza (at least temporarily).  And Miller now looks like a solid handcuff to Reggie Bush. 

Next week - SanFranciscoFerries- With Stewart on a short week, he might be unavailable, a minor wave in an ocean of woe.  Still  the Ferries are not unbeatable.   If the NFL suspends Turner Overdrive then Rodgers could be in for a spot starting role.

9/13 was an Inside Job

...and he just keeps #flashdancing ladies and gentlemen. Aaron Rodgers has officially exchanged his shake weight and scuba gear for a ledger sheet and G0d-particle-gloves. GrossmanSachs is happy to report team chemistry has never been higher, truly living up to their inspiring mission statement put out by Kevin Garnett. 

"Chemistry is something that you don't just throw in a frying pan and mix it up with another something and throw something on top of that and then fry it up and put in a tortilla and put it in microwave, heat it up, give it to you and expect it to taste good. You know? If y'all don't know what I'm talking about then you can't cook and this doesn't concern you."

- Team Minister / Intensity Coach Kevin (Fucking) Garnett

GrossmanSachs thought they needed a hero, it turns out they needed a hugeass breakfast burrito.

 Emotions were high in the GrossmanSachs locker room, and so was most of the team thanks to Sea Bass' ample stash. Edwin S. Porter IV took a few minutes to make a tribute video honoring a very special weekend for the G0dbank:

The Long Con

Aaron Rodgers' savvy ploy to motivate his team by sucking this week, may pay off in a huge way. "It's gonna be big for them," Rodgers said yesterday, while scrolling through Facebook photos of his old girlfriend banging dudez on the Golden Gate Bridge. "We all learn through struggle, and once each of these guys puts up 23 points, we're gonna be a better team for it. Now, if you could just give me some private time, please... and can you pass me Mr. Blankey?"

Wilis McGahee is gonna have the Trichs pulling all the hairz outta their mink coats. 

Despite their familiarity with Far Eastern culture, the Trichs have never been able to stop ninjas. 

Rodgers has spent all day in the GrossmanSachs locker room, doing linez with Sea Bass and "flashdancing" along to this song while McGahee and Roddy White were eating Bear heartz for strength:

I Left My Heart...

GrossmanSachs PR spokeswoman Katie Couric, took time off from killing bugs with a magnifying glass to address last night's disastrous start to the Aaron Rodgers era in B@nkerville:

"He sucked, okay? You know it, we now it, and now he nows it, because he's wearing a dunce cap, kneeling in Prescott Bush's dungeon having literally unspeakable things done to his mind and body. Mentally, he's just not in it. We aren't sure he's given up his dream of acting, and after a summer stuntcocking for Jake Gyllenhal, he thinks he can make it to the next level: James Cameron's fluffer. With Avatar 2-7 shooting pretty much continuously for the next 5 years, there's a million opportunities to pursue his dream. We are trying to impart on him that there will be time for all that after retirement, but he just keeps training with his shakeweight and taking scuba diving courses."

GrossmanSachs did not take a 10 point performance by their new franchise QB lightly.

Couric also added that Rodgers can't seem to adjust to his new life in the big city:

"We know he's been living in San Francisco for a while, and any move can be hard, but c'mon! He's a walking Dockers commercial, it's pathetic. He rides his goddamn bike everywhere, and asks everyone where the good hills are. He wears Khakis in practice! I dunno, we've changed all the weightroom music to the Grateful Dead, and Ray Lewis doesn't seem to want to kill people anymore. It's really hurting us. Rodgers just keeps crying about some piece of ass back in Frisco, saying he can't live without her, and it's not cool. I didn't get into this business to babysit little girls, I got into this business to molest them. Just suck it up, dude, there's banking to be done."

"Seriously, just drown with me real quick."

Money for nothin'

That ain't workin

The Commissioner's office will authorize an experimental stock market option stimulus plan this week.  Despite the late date in the week the CO plans to offer all league franchises a free purchase on the PSAS Stock Market Version 0.69 (Beta).  How does it work?  I'm so glad you asked. Teams are divided into four categories (based on the Power Rankings).

1-3  - Blue Chip
4-6  - Red Chip

7-9 - Penny Stock

10-12 - Junk Bonds

 You get one free pick of any game (5 PRN).  Payouts are determined by the relative scale of the teams ranking.

                    Blue Chip      Red Chip       Penny Stock        Junk Bond

Blue Chip            5                 4                      3                        2

Red Chip            10               5                       4                        3



Penny Stock        15                10                   5                        4


Junk Bond          20                15                   10                        5


Teams selected will receive nominal investment capital (per selection) regardless of the outcome of their game.  As the purchaser you only get dividends if your selection wins - i.e. you win the stimulus (5 PRN + the dividend). Pick wrong and you get nothing.  For hand reference the games this week [dividend in brackets]

"In a woooorld of pure imaginaaation..."

TTM  [2] vs. PG [20]

PB [10] vs BDT [4]

CD [10] vs PriLi [4]

SFF [4] vs. TR [10]

AE [5] vs. HSNB [5]

Trich [15] vs. GS [3]

(help me out if you notice the scale's off here)


Obviously this freebie is a  one time deal, the hook, the candy.  After this (pending the Financial Chief's tweaking and approval) you're paying to play.  But we got your back now, don't sweat it.  What could go wrong?   Eventually we'll use the Yahoo pick function, but for now you can just leave it in comments here.

*BREAKING* WOPR Ousted as Pelican Brief GM - EXCLUSIVE VIDEO

Video leaked from Pelican Brief HQ:

Pelican Brief insiders are reporting that Shaun Boyle, current owner and former GM, will serve as interim GM for the rest of the season.  Many anonymous sources inside the organization are reporting that Boyle is viewing 2012 as a "lost year" already.  

Week 2 P0\/\/3R R4/\/k1/\/gZ

Another fantasy year dawns - Now we've spent the last few nice weeks of summer fussing over our teams, arranging our strategies. I can't help think of the constant refrain of HBO's titties & dragons series Game of Thrones.  To paraphrase, these are the running backs of summer, and Winter is Coming.  Such unquestionable sequential logic, foreboding and of course calendrer-wise acumen.  Winter is always coming in the Fantasy world.  Between now and the championship nothing is certain other than a huge degree of attrition.  So brood over your squad's preparedness and lets get out there and rape and pillage (in the infowar)!   Thanks everybody for an exciting opening week that saw a full round of in-division grudge matches. The range of victory margins ran from razor thin (.2) to country-mile (53.4).  Four out of six of the winners were playoff teams last year with  the Sachs and Spinners crashing the party.  Week 1 even prompted a mega-trade, which by now, you've heard about.  I'm not going to reassess the rankings, but I'll leave it to your imaginations this week and analyze the fallout pattern next time. 


1.) AEthernauts  (Last week - #1) -  1-0
The Balloonists had clear skies for a week 1 victory over Phat Girls, despite never fully inflating their potential.  Mike Vick's body armor produced a win, after four picks.  And Turner Overdrive was decidedly pedestrian in the Falcons aerial assault.  Good work from the Johnson&Johsnon receiver corps was plenty to beat the Girlz.  But with only Dalton backing up Vick we wouldn't be surprised to see the Explorers in the market for a new backup to Vick.

Next week - HomeSpunNeckBloodz   -  The Explorers stay in the Eleatic for a match against fellow victors Bloodz.  They may need a little more air to leap their competition here and stay atop the rankings. 


2.) HomeSpunNeckBloodz (last week 7)   1-0
-their stay near the top may be short-lived, but the Bloodz shocked the world with a resounding victory over the Primordial Ones in Week 1.  They did it by having several players beat expectations - none more so than Peyton Manning.  If Chris Johnson can avoid a repeat of last year's slow start, the Bloodz will be formidable from week to week.    There's a lack of depth here, but quality near the top.  The Spinners need to toss some free agents in the cyclotron, see who spins out a quality week-to-week presence.

Next week - AEthernauts - The Bloodz can prove they're no fluke by besting a playoff team from last year.  If they over perform like week 1, there's no reason they can't get there.

3.) TakingTigerMountain (last week 4)  1-0
-Moving up spot is hard to do when you make the kind of managerial miscues the Mountain performed this week.  Their two top picks, both active but un-popular with the fantasy talking heads, were left on the bench to waste their  week 1 numbers. TTM's five bench players totaled 78 points. Part of the reason for that number (and the main reason for the upgrade) is a handcuff payoff in CJ Spiller.  If Fred Jackson misses serious time he could be the elusive 3rd back for the system.  Eclipsing 100 with what they did use makes them the all around fantasy franchise this week.  If they can straighten out who to start, they should be headed to the top half of the Eleatic.

Next week -  Phat Girlz  - The Mountain shouldn't sleep on Monique's club.  They got lucky this week, but another week of Stafford miscues could expose how heavily invested in Detroit they are.  With a match against a brutal SF defense, is an upset brewing?

4.)  SanFranciscoFerries (last week 2)   1-0
-Better to be lucky than good?  The Ferries narrowly avoided the PSAS "fate worse than death" - a tie.  The Boatmen drew a painful zero from Deangelo, while leaving Greene's points on the bench.  They needed Monday night nailbiting to skim by the Pelicans.  Anytime your kicker is leading your points tally, you might be in trouble.  But when your kicker banks in a 63 yarder off the crossbar, the g0dz have you in their pocket that week.  We'll attribute early-season rust to Cam's frustrations and Cruz droppings, but more than half the league would have taken advantage here.

Next week -  Tusken Raiders - when the tougher-than expected Tuskens come to town the Ferries better have the kinks worked out or else. 

5.) BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng   (last week 3)   1-0
-The BDT faced a bye of sorts against a re-stocking Trichs club, so the victory is 2nd to some important titration.  Fred Jackson's injury is a serious downgrade for a team with a lack of bench depth.  Foster and Rice put in staring roles as expected.  Schaub was passable, but the wideouts looked 2nd tier.  Help could come from Lafell on the bench, but it's hard to rely on him.  The German Philosophers should be active on the wire looking for flex help this week.

Next week -  ThePelicanBrief  - Don't expect the Legal Thrillers to be as tame as last week.  This one won't be a walk in the park. RG3's prospective debut, will make this must see TV.

6.)  GrossmanSachs  (last week 8) 1-0
- Polish MNF heroics turned out to be icing after the Ravens IDP racked up plenty of hits on Cincy, but there's a lot to like about the Wall Streeters all around.  Romo looked surgical in his season debut, and the double titration with Austin is a force to be reckoned with.   Fitzgerald and White will see better days.  Frank the Tank is still  a draft horse. And their bench depth could pay off in a variety of ways, since they're an obvious trade candidate with WR and RB pieces to spare.  (Update: Rodgers...wow, hope you bought these guys low).

Next week - Trichs - the Bankers will try and knock off the Hair Pullers and move into the top tier of the rankings. 

7.) Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylz®  (last week 6)  0-1
- the Primordial Ones had a narrow miss against a surprising Bloodz club in week 1, but it still showcased how strong their game plan can be.  The Brady-Gronk connection worked. Julio Jones looked elite. Demarco Murray looked ready to rumble.  Decker looked well in sync with Manning.  There's a variety of handcuffs in their roster, they may need to decide one way or the other on.  But good IDP production can float a few extra points, the Primordial Ones are definitely a force to be reckoned with this year.

Next week -  Cincinnati Dangles - this one could go either way.  With both teams 0-1, it's going to be serious business out there.

8.) ThePelicanBrief  (last week 5)  0-1
- the Grisham-ites saw a couple low-balls from their returning players and couldn't quite make MNF magic happen. We've seen Welker go hot-and-cold before, so it's no worry. And it's hard to call 20 points from Rodgers under-titrating, but with a busting-out RGIII on the bench, conflict has to be brewing in the WOPR's algorithms. (Something caused it to pick the Bills D/ST)   McFadden will need to carry a heavy load here, unless PB can get a deal done for another elite producer. (Obviously PB dig get a big deal done.  They say week 1 is the best time for value in a trade time line, so....).


Next week - BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng -  the Pelicans will have an uphill battle to avoid going 0-2. If Welker can find a few endzone looks, they'll be right in the thick of it.  No doubt we'll see RG3 and Frank the Tank attempting to render legal aid.  We couldn't be more intrigued.

9.) Tusken Raiders (last week 11) 0-1
-Ever unpredictable the Raiders put up big numbers and nearly upset a heavily favored Sachs team this week.  Matt Ryan's stellar day was the primary mover on their scoring uptick, but both RBs looked good.  And Philadelphia's D/ST may be playable week to week.   There's lots of potential on the bench here too with touchdown vulture Bush, and Peyton's TE Tamme (trade bait?).

Next week - SanFranciscoFerries- they would have bopped the boatmen this week, but the Star Wars franchise will need to look for more over-titrations if they continue with their famously lax IDP policies.

10.)  Cincinnati Dangles (last week 10)   0-1
-The Dangles came up short in a winnable game against all-too-human TTM this week.  Drew Brees' underwhelming performance is a big part of that, but that shouldn't be a problem week to week.  Randall Cobb looks like a diamond in the rough, although perhaps better as trade-bait so he doesn't crowd Jennings in the Dangles lineup.  A little more IDP titration and this lineup should match up with the elite week-to-week.

Next week -  Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylz® - With both teams desperate for a win, this should be a bloody week 2 brawl.

11.) Phat Girlz (last week 9)  0-1
-The Girlz drew a tough match against the Nauts in week one and weren't up to the task.  The team is a bit hobbled until Ryan Matthews can start, but they can still do better than this.  Lynch should be in there over an aging Benson.  Colston and Wallace are totally capable of producing big numbers.  Graham will be elite again this year. Eli looked reliably underperforming, but Alex Smith is a mirage on the bench.  The Girlz have the makings of a good team, they just need a  few more pieces to fall into place.

Next week - TakingTigerMountain  - The Girlz need to find a way to eek out a win before Matthews returns.  They'll be big underdogs in this one, but with some tough match-ups the Commish might just cough one up here.


12.) Trichotillomaniacs (last week 12) 0-1
-a fascinating strategy left the Trichs uncompetitive in week 1, but may pay dividends for the rest of their season.  Opting not to play IDP, they held onto lots of 2nd tier backs and handcuffs instead.  They may have hit the temporary jackpot on the Shanahan wheel with Morris, but Dwyer emergence deserves a look too, especially if Big Ben ascends to the starting QB role.  The Trichs still need to hit a homer on the wire, and there are a few tempting options this week - we'll see how deep they go, how early.

Next week - GrossmanSachs - The Trichs need to continue to practice their Eastern arts of asymmetric warfare if they want to compete this year.   It might not be a bad idea to start game planning for bye weeks now.