Leaked travel reports have suggested that the embattled PSAS commissioner's "vacation" in the Deep South this weekend may have a darker overtones. Only days after announcing a two-player keeper league flanked by a former Haitain dictator, the Commish will reportedly make a pilgramage to the French Quarter of New Orleans to see the Statue of St. Expedite. The statue, a Catholic icon adapted by practitioners of New Orleans Voodoo to represent Barron Samedi, is a common site for offerings to the powerful 19th century Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau,., whose famous grave stands across the street in the cemetary of St. Louis. Laveau, a powerful creole gris-grisman, is said to have been able to summon the great snake loa Li Grand Zombi. If indeed the commissioner is attempting to gather loa of power, experts agree he would need to collect numerous legendary gris-gris as well as personal items of his enemies. Several possibilities exist as to his intentions. Laveau was known as an oracle able to channel Papa Legba and fortell the future, as well having the ability to summon and exoricize spirits inhabiting the living bodies. Could this be a Thanatoid strategy for 2011, an army of the dead? Occult expert Dr. Gottfried Elmscross commented "It could be as simple as the commissioner seeking divination of the outcome of labor negotiations or asking the loa's advice on expanding the league to 14 teams. Or it could be as serious as black magic. There's just no way to tell." A spokesman for the commissioner Judy Killfile called the report "a bunch of mumbo-jumbo"
In a joint statement with formerly-exiled Haitain dictator Jean Claude 'Baby Doc' Duvalier, the PSAS Executive Commissioner has announced a two player keeper league for the 2011 season. Team owners have until two weeks before the draft to finalize their keeper players. They may announce in public on the PSAS blog, or through a private message to the commissioner. Any two players on a franchise's roster at the close of the season are eligible as keeper players. If no keeper players are chosen the office of the commissioner will select two players. The commissioner's office will entertain appeals, bribes, and cyber-bullying through March.
The Draft order for the 2011 season is as follows:
1. Revenge of the Sith 2. Skins All the Way 3. SanFranciscoFerries 4. Trichotillomaniacs 5. The Thanatoids 6. Grossman Sachs 7. El Mundo Pequeno 8. Int'l Necronauts 9. BDT 10. JGPB 11. Phat Girlz 12. Vickskennel.com
A two player keeper league is the most efficient and effective way to foster year-to-year competition in PSAS both fresh and lively. In a 12 team league, a two player league would keep 24 players out off the draft board. Let's assume a basic scenario. Assume the keeper players were: 12 RB 6 QB 6 WR If we go strictly by last year's statistics we might expect that there would still be 7 RB with over 900 yards rushing still available at draft time. A similar hypothesis would leave 8 WR with over 1000 yards, and 5 QB with over 3500 yards passing. Additionally, a two player keeper league will significantly alter draft strategy. For example: let us assume that Revenge of the Sith would keep Johnson and McFadden, thus effectively covering them for running backs. With their #1 pick they would still likely be able to take a Matt Ryan at QB or a Calvin Johnson at WR. You can use your imagination to suppose how the draft strategies would be different for squads electing to keep a QB-RB, RB-WR, or QB-WR combination.
Two player keeper gives all the teams an elementary amount of continuity from year to year. It essentially allows everyone to keep the best draft/waiver picks they made last year and learn from all other mistakes or smart picks. You might say that two players is too much, that it will calcify the league, removing the fun of the draft and enshrining a permanent league aristocracy. But, consider that there will be a considerable number of intangibles to contend with in assessing player values year to year, among which we might count injury, strength of schedule, teammate participation, rehabilitation, coaching changes, contract disputes, labor agreements and global climate change. There were three 1000 yard rushers this season who were not starters when the season began. 5 of 2009's top 10 rushers were not in the top 15 in 2010. The point is that a lot more goes into to selecting who you keep and who you don't than you might suspect. There is also of course, the freak factor of the NFL. What if Tebow starts for Denver next year. Will he be kept from Vick's bench, or drafted? In the first round?
It might also be argued that some teams do not actually have two players worthy of keeping. While this seems manifestly impossible, and irrelevant anyway since it's probably their own fault, let us examine the case of Skins All the Way. It is true, that many teams are short on running backs. But the Skins have the option of taking Josh Freeman and Larry Fitzgerald. A top 15 passer and a top 10 receiver. With their #2 pick, they could still probably pick up a Cedric Benson, or a Matt Forte. Sure, it's not ideal. But the theory is that most of the teams who have something to complain about re: weak keeper options, will draft in the top 6 anyway. So, while they won't have their pick of the litter, there's still a lot of room to strategize their way out of a hole with the keeper. If you think about it, the relative weakness of some team's keeper players will actually make the draft more interesting - since, statistically at least, a disproportionate number of top players exist on a few teams. Some of these extras must be cast back to the draft, so if poorer teams can use their keepers to secure their quality role-players, some surprising names may be available come draft time.
More disturbing reports today, as newly crowned champion Vickskennel.com has allegedly been linked to a cash for titration scandal currently breaking in Brooklyn, NY. The so-called "Adderall Sisters" Pauline and Sarah Wiltshire were arraigned in Federal Court in Brooklyn on Friday on charges of conspiracy to titrate, "trading" titration for political favors, using the USPS as a medium for titrating, and betting on fantasy football games. Vice PSAS Reserve Chairman Beaugeste Bacall had this to say:
"We take all allegations of titrative malfeasance by league employees, players and owners very seriously. We will be investigating this matter in a timely fashion."
The commissioner's office declined to comment whether the league would delay the laurel crowning ceremony, currently scheduled for January 8th, in light of the investigation. Lead DEA investigator Haymitch Throbsgood likewise refused to comment on rumors that the league's victor may have turned states evidence in order to avoid being charged in the ring. Throbsgood commented, "What is clear is that Vickskennel.com was not titrating to their fullest in the PSAS, they've got a full bank account, a well-worn passport and known connections to the titration Cosa Nostra."
Titrating without proper supervision, recrational titration, or "rectrations," is known by the Surgeon General of Zenobia to cause heart palpitations, fear of spiders, excessive writing, hoarding, paranoia and impaired ability to make fantasy football line-up changes.