July 10th, 2011-
The Judge has ruled and the verdict is in! It's time to put your party pants back on because the PRE-SOCRATIC ALLSTARZ
is ready to kick off its 4th and Greatest season ever! The League is progressing at such hypersonic pace that this next season is sure to redefine the constructs of fantasy football in their entirety.
Season 3 of the PSAS saw us playing a brand of football at least 5 years into the future, but there is no telling how innovative and forward-thinking Season 4 will become. Our advice is simply to sit back and enjoy the ride because there is no sense worrying about things which may exceed the limits of one's own ratiocination. Just be thankful the League is in such great hands!
Now, we know what you're thinking: 'Do I have what it takes to climb the highest mountain and join the Trichotillimaniacs, psychdog, and Vixkennel in the Valhalla of everlasting hypermodern glory? . . . to take a seat at the table amongst the Greats??'. Probably not, because as the League is currently structured, only one team is named the winner after each season. Some godless, new age statistician might argue you have exactly an 8.3% chance of winning each season, but in reality it's much, much lower than that taking into account the likelihood that the gods are conspiring against you. Alas, no better indication of the futility of quantitative analytics is last year's Playoffs.
So, without Freddy Adu, we'd like to pop the cork and officially harken the arrival of the New Era, Season 4 of the PSAS. Look for registration to open soon, and for updates and information related to new League initiatives to follow shortly thereafter. The commissioner may require each team to submit each team's 2 keeper players at some point, too.
In the meantime, we are unveiling the 2011 PRE-SOCRATIC ALLSTARZ PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS. Before scoffing at rankings released before the draft, know that 3 of the 4 Final Four teams were accurately picked last year at this same time. Enjoy!
12. Skins all the Way - Are the rumours of receivership true? If so, a bunch of interested buyers would surely be open to negotiate a buy-in to the PSAS, provided the Primordial Reserve approves. With Larry Fitzgerald and LeSean McCoy as projected keepers, tough sledding ahead no matter who is in charge.
11. SF Ferries - No team has irked the godz more than the Ferries. The Ferries made a habit last year of putting lots of points on the board only to lose barely in disastrous fashion. Can the Ferries reverse their mediocre fortunes? Who knows, it may even take a first born.
10. The Thanatoids - The taxing roles and responsibilities of the Commissionership have visibly taken a toll on the 'Toids. The 'Toids couldn't even muster a headline last year, as their lackluster season was relegated to the backpages along with the RedBulls and Mets. Constitutional questions and personnel strategy is a lot for anyone in a given week. But if the new rumors are to be believed, Thanatoid shareholders have even more reason to be bearish about the 2011 outlook. Sell now if you can.
9. Trichotillomaniacs - Winning consistently is the single most difficult task in the PSAS. Look no further than the 'Tillomaniacs for evidence of this. For the first two seasons the 'Maniacs were far and away the best team in the League. A schellacking in the 2009 Championship Game, however, seemed to send the 'aniacs into a deep and dark slumber, from which the 'niacs have yet to awaken. Uncharacteristic lineup omissions and questionable FA spending have some questioning whether the 'iacs are simply past their prime. If that were the case, the 2008 Champs 'acs have already done enough if their brief history to secure a place among the Greats of the Game.
8. The Pelican Brief - Assuming tPB are even in the PSAS in 2011 based on their Chapter 11 woes (assets = $0), tPB will not only have to answer to the weekly fantasy quandries but to their creditors as well. Look for the Greek-esque austerity measures to be crippling, as the Primordial Reserve must send a message that the long-term health of the League and its currency depends on the solvency of each of its franchises. QE1 and artificially depressed interest rates aside, watch the Curse of Brandon Jackson rear its ugly head for another year.
7. Revenge of the Sith - The biggest "X-Factor" heading into 2011 is without a doubt Revenge. We don't feel comfortable pegging them to make the Playoffs this year since they're 0-3 after three attempts, but their ascending status among the League Elites is undeniable. Next year they boast the projected keepers of Tom Brady and Chris Johnson, unless they want to double-up the RB's and keep RunDMC over Mr. Bunschen. This could be the classic 'buy low, sell high' opportunity for aggressive investors.
6. Grossman Sachs - Projected Keepers Mike Vick and Rashad "keep truthin'" Mendenhall make a formidable twosome. If they can keep their transhumanist world domination ambitions in check, Grossman could be in line for a huge 2011.
5. Vixkennel - Last year's Champ will have a Bulleye on their back in 2011. After an embarrassing 6-7 regular season, the Kennel trampled over League Elites en route to a controversial title that reeked of a deal with the Devil. The Kennel's well known associations with various occultic TV personalities lends credence to this, but projected keepers Ray Rice and Philip Rivers may be enough to win a second title without an assist from Baphomet.
4. el mundo/psychdog - The 2009 Champs are already off to a good start in '11 with Arian Foster and Jamaal Charles leading the charge. If you're looking for a safe bet, pick el mundo to make a 4th consecutive Playoff appearance. The vanquished fmr. Commish has a lot to prove following an early exit last year.
3. BldgDwllngThnkng - Last year's Preseason #1 met expectations with aplomb by securing the valuable Wilc Card Bye. However, BDT was inexplicably blown out in the Final Four by the Kennel, surely motivating them even more in 2011. We'd consider picking them higher but their expected keepers aren't really all that impressive (Romo and M. Austin). Sure, they could keep Hillis and/or Michael Turner, but neither forecast 2011 dominance either.
2. Phat Girlz - Being 0-2 in Title Games can't sit well with the Phat Girlz. What's more, after losing in the Final Game in 2008, the Girlz imploded to the tune of a two-win season. We don't forecast a repeat of that this year, with the likes of MJD and Roddy White staying on for another year. But until the Girlz can show the resolve of a Champion, we think Preseason #2 is a fair spot for one of the League's Greats.
1. Int'l Necronauts - Shock pick atop the Preseason Power Rankings, but you're urged to take a closer look. The Necronauts have the best 1-2 keeper punch with Adrian Peterson and Calvin Johnson, two players certain to have big years in 2011. What's more is that the Necronauts have improved steadily in each of their first two seasons. They have above average liquidity, solid leadership, and a whole lot less baggage than all of the Old School teams. We think they have potential to catch lightning in a bottle in 2011 and join the Pantheon of League Legends in 2011. Time will tell...