Week 9 Casino Gulag

 

 

In this week's casino, we are doing something new, inspired by another suggested game.  The weekly fantasy game is now a super popular thing, and while I myself don't touch that shit, we can totally incorporate the idea into Casino Gulag. 

So this week, you are picking yourself a team of QB, RB, WR, & TE, one player for each position.  Whoever picks the combination with most points scored in Week 9 will win the pool and the matching funds. 

The price is same as always, 3 bankerbytes per bet.  Because it's a combination thing with larger playing field, there's no restriction to pick a player for a position someone else has already picked.  So, technically speaking, you can pick exactly the same combo someone else has already picked, but this will split the pot in case of win and you aren't getting as good of odds, so I'd think twice about it.  But if you ever wanted to pick someone's plates, this is the week to do it.  I'll give you the liberty to change lineup until TNF kickoff in case someone isn't happy about someone else riding his horse. 

QB Luck, WR Antonio Brown, RB D. Murray, and TE Gronk is the leader combo of the season, so if that's the winning combo, EVERYONE GETS $3 REFUND. 

One ticket per franchise, except for Nauts.  Nauts' suggestion inspired this game, so he gets a free ticket (you can pay for another one if you choose). 

Post below for orders.  Because it's a combo game (plus I'll be in the wilderness tomorrow), I won't restrict myself to the usual 3-24 rule, though I probably won't post until later tonight. 

Week 9 Stock Market & Previewz

Week 9 is here.  Can't believe Josh Gordon is a couple of weeks away from actually returning.  Time flies, and while several teams have probably been pushed off the cliff, the actual race to the playoffs as well as battle for first-round bye is only heating up.  It only gets more interesting as the bye bonanza starts in Week 9 with six teams on bye.   The bye teams in Week 9 are: Atlanta, Buffalo, Chicago, Detroit, Green Bay, and Tennessee.

Another fat one got fatter on a casino hit in Week 8.  It's clear the dough is baking more breads needed for bye-hungry owners, and while not quite the level of last year, it is an inflated market of at about 15% at Week 8.  If you look, there are opportunities to grow your waiver cash. 

The payout schedule for each 5 bankerbitez bet is as following.

                                      Blue Chip     Market Performer     Junk
Blue Chip (#1-4*)                  5                      3                          2
Market Performer (#5-8*)     10                     5                          3
Junk (#9-12*)                        15                     10                        5

*Based on weekly Power Rankingz.  In case of a tied rank, commissioner's ruling will be published here.

The Guide

-Playoffs Preview, Luck's Speedway vs Crescent City Connection

(1) Phat Girlz 7-1 (3 bb) vs (5) TakingTigerMountain 5-3 (10 bb)

Girlz face another preview for playoffs in a match against resurgent TigerMountain.

Even in a loss, three players went over 22 pts and fourth almost reached 20 for Monique.  Last week's was a game that the Phat One admitted was bound to happen, sooner or later.  It didn't affect their first-round-bye prospect, as the second-placed BDT also went down and got gobbled up by Mustards and TigerMTn into the pack.  Green Bay, Chicago, and Tennessee on bye affect the Girlz heavily here, making the Girlz thin especially at running backs, with both Forte and Sankey sitting out.  Monique's rather not drop two in a row and sandwich her Birthday with two losses, especially with Week 10 match against BDT on Luck_Hilton bye looming.  Tough stretch for Up Town Top-Ranking Girlz.

TigerMountain had a rebound week, with Antonio Brown's dominant perfomance complimenting Big Ben supplementing the Triple Crescent City Connection well.  The second highest score of the week was tarnished only by the lack of production by the Patriots receivers (Edelman & Vereen).  TTM will look to strike fast on with CCC on TNF against not-so-dominant Carolina D.  

Girlz are missing some pieces here, so an upset pick looks appetizing.

-Waiting for Gordon

(2) AEthernauts 6-2 (3 bb) vs (8) HomeSpunNeckBloodz 4-4 (10 bb)

Contender versus wannabee is a crucial match for both when each is missing key NFC North players on bye.

Nauts had Week 8's highest scoring offense despite Cam scoring a mere 5.64 pts on a no TD day, but the depth covered it more than enough with Sanders, Tate and Murray all going over 20.  Gates and Buffallo D complemented with stellar 16+ performances.  With Tate and Marty-B on bye in Week 9 and Josh Gordon still several weeks away from his return, Nauts used the new-found waiver cash on Ridley-replacement Jonas Gray and Big Ben #3 target M. Bryant, but these are significant downgrades to say the least.  It's a dangerous week for Big Sky.

Bloodz lost a tough one in Week 8 to resurgent Shock and are still hovering around the .500 mark.  Currently on the outside looking in at seventh place, Bloodz are in a similar spot of lacking scores to back their cause.  As always, the 2014 version grinds out wins, but to do so the Spinnerz need the loud-mouth WR tandem of Marshall and Smith Sr. producing.  The backfield of Bernard and Ellington as well as QB Foles have had their byes already, so if they can manage a win in Marshall's bye week, things can look up for the Bloodz' cause.  Beating Nauts, while a tough challenge, is a good start.  Loss here will put their backs against the river.

The game in a week Nauts are slightly vulnerable is a solid upsetter bet.

-Battlefield Aurora
(3) Dijonnaise All-Stars 6-2 (2 bb) vs (9) Trichotillomaniacs 2-6 (15 bb)

30 or so years ago, owners of these franchises lived within several miles of each other in Aurora, CO, a suburb of Denver.  Maybe they met at the Firestation tour, K-Mart toy isle, or waiting in line to sit on Santa's lap at the Cherry Creek Mall.  Years have passed and both have traveled thousands of miles, and here they meet again, this time in the PSAS battle field.

Cashing in on Arian Foster staying relatively healthy and showing off his 2012 self, Dijonnaise All-Stars is the hottest team in the league riding a five-game winning streak and holding the thunderbolt.  Even better, the next three opponents for Colonel is combined for 4-20 records (Trix, Polk and Pelican), so the record can extend to eight before they have a showdown with Phat Girlz in Week 12.  It's not easy for Colonel this week as A-Rodg and Rod-White are on bye, but the Draftbots had thought about it all; they have MVP-candidate Philip RIvers stashed.  Colonel has started to loosen up his wallet as well, landing LaFell to fill the gap.  With Foster looks to have a good game to extend it to six-games for the Yellow against JJ Watt and the Trix defense.

Hanging on a cliff with just the fingers, the Far East Rulaz ground one out against Polk High also battling with their backs against the river.  With the league's fourth highest score and six losses, it's simple for the Trix; each game is a Win-Or-Out.  The receiver titration is starting to gel, and while McCoy is still a disappointment, at least Bradshaw is holding up while scoring TDs and Denard Robinson looks to be a capable RB2/Flex as well in case Bradshaw or McCoy goes down.  In Palmer, they found a capable back-up to Kaep with a double-titration upside, though Michael Floyd's goose-egg in Week 8 out of Flex-start with Palmer at realm was a huge hair-pulling boxsheet for General Far East.  The Trix need Julius Thomas to regain form against the hottest team of the league.

Two words: Ring It.

Cali Bowl 2.0

(4) BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng 6-2 (2 bb) vs (11) ThePelicanBrief 1-7 (15 bb)

The second meetings of the season between these two bitter west coast rivals feature two teams at the opposite end of spectrum, but as rivalry games go, this is no cake-walk for nobody.

Boyz in Chico's loss to Dijon in Week 8 was bitter and not sweet, as Romo apparently re-injured his back.  While looking like something he may be willing to play through, we don't know a) if he'll be able to play this week, or b) how it'll affect his play even if he plays.  Their QB stash RGIII may or may not be ready.  While a clear athletic talent, what the media seemed to have forgotten (but not General) is how everyone in Redskin Nation was clamoring for Kirk Cousins to replace RGIII because of his ineffectiveness.  Still, RGIII is a viable fantasy weapon with his legs while the injury concern with him is quite possibly greater than that of Romo.  Nelson and the new Buffalo RB tandem on bye and Montee still a week or two away from a return means a rare two-TE look for BDT this week, possibly.  This is still the Boyz of Romo-Dez, so the QB's health is occupying the most of Chico whispers this week.

Pelican showed life in their Week 8 loss to TigerMtn with Brady at 34 and Fitz at 23.  Seattle D also had the resurgent double-digit performance, but it's quite possibly a little too late now for the Grishamites.  Pelican 2014 will battle forward with hopes of being remembered for their pride, and the road starts in a game against their bitter rival that paid for their entry fee.

Watch Romo's health this week, if he's a no-go, the favorable odds look more favorable.

-Battle for Survival

(6) SanFranciscoFerries 4-4 (5 bb) vs (7) The Old Future 3-5 (5 bb)

Two middle-of-the-pack teams in a knock-out match.  Winner will stay in the hunt, a loss will put Ferries at the edge and push Future off it.

The Frisco Kids actually had a good game, just not good enough to beat the Nauts and their high score of the week.  Gronk gronking it and Patterson and Lacy's emergence out of sophomore slump are good signs for the Boatmen, but they just can't get out of that win-loss pattern.  Good news, it's odd week so Ferries should have no reservation to get that W here with Russel Wilson visiting now-friendly Oakland Coliseum.

The Week 8 win over Phat Girlz really stamped their presence in PSAS for Old Future.  Now it's time to prove it wasn't afluke.  Not easy to do since neither Knile Davis or Miami D should be expected of repeat performances and the bench is full of injured/suspended players that can't help them during bye.  While Future gets Gore and Crab back, Alshon sits this week and T-Rich is limited with injury.  With Peyton at realm, they are on solid foundation.  Just need the fixtures to shine here.

Even odds favor higher ranked team, but Future is the upsetter's choice.

-Florida-Georgia-Kentucky

(10) Shock_Pix 3-5 (5 bb) vs (12) Polk High Panthers 1-7 (5 bb)

This week's bottom feeding match feature two SEC giants.  Yeah South!

Shock is clearly back and dangerous.  Keenan Allen's resurgence and Witten's rise from grave mixes well with Demaryius's domination.  The surrounding pieces are also shining, with the likes of Cooks and Hill, while Rainey and Harvin have near-future upsides.  A solid QB outing is all El Mundo needs for a contending team.  Soon, they may need that DB2 help, but until then, why fix what's not broken.

Tough loss to Trix probably ended hopes for this year's contribution to Millie's college fund.  The Ben-sane outing was the highest losing score of the season at 145.54.  Steel-city double-titration and Charles are the kind of blue-collar work-horses that it's too bad the Megatron-Green tandem didn't come through.  They could have scored 200.  Once the star receivers return, Bundy has a clear shot at the Moral Victory and Consolation tourney.  So keep checking in between changing diapers.

Hmm.

Derivatives

For Sale:

Hot-lanta: Future win and Polk win (25 bb)

Babylon O-pression: Girlz win, Nauts win, Dijon win and BDT win (35 bb)

Freebies with purchase:

GoCatsGo!!: Nauts win, Trix win, Shock win, and BDT win (40 bb)

Upsetters War Ina Babylon: TTM win, Bloodz win, Trix win and Pelican win (100 bb) <---BAILOUT

Power Rankings Week 9

What the fuck was that? A crazy week in the NFL led to some massive scores in PSAS. Let's get to the numbers. 11 of 12 were over 100,  8 of 12 were over 130, and five were over 140. How'd it happen? Big QB play  - there were 12 QBs over 20 this week (led by R-burger and Brady at 46 and 34 respectively). Big D/ST - 10 D/STs were in double digits (led by Miami and KC at 28 and 19 respectively).  Anyway, it led to a playoff race contraction and complicated things marginally. Two of the top four teams lost.  The Girlz maintain a one game lead on the field for top position. Two of the middle teams lost, allowing the Mountain to stand tall separated by points and a game lead over their rivals for the 5-6 spots.  And three of the bottom five won lending hope that the winners can pick off a 5 or 6 team either by winning percentage (Shock Pix) or by total points tie-breaker (Trichs) or both (Old Future). 



1.  (1)  Phat Girlz - (7-1) - The streak is dead, long live the streak!  No cause for alarm as Phat Ones got dropped by a top five opponent, while beating their projection and scoring in the top six.  Luck, Cobb, Hilton and Forte all had heavyweight days. The loss opens the door a crack for Monique to miss out on a bye, but they've got a playoff ticket queued up in the printer.

2. (3) Aethernauts - (6-2) -  Ho-hum another massive day for the Aerial Explorers, coasting over 150 to the high score of the week. Usually TD averse Sanders caught three in the endzone and Gates picked up two as well. The Camdy Man's clunker against Seattle is somewhat worrisome, but pass rushes don't get much more intense than that. After firing off another chamber of the Demarco Murray Russian Roulette Injury gun, we're starting to wonder if this thing is loaded.

3.  (2) BuildingDwellingThinking  (6-2) - The German Philosophers came into Monday night needing thirty points with Romo/Bryant and Reed to play. After a first half Cowboy Connection (taking nickname suggestions, btw), it looked like they would pull out another win and pull even with Monique. But then Romo spent a few minutes laying on the field at Jerryworld.  As of press time the Cowboyatti are sanguine about running Romo out there again without missed time.  But we've seen his lamented inability to play on Toradol derail seasons past for BDT and the Boys. 



4. (4)  Dijonaise All Stars (6-2)   - With the fall of the last undefeated Zeus' Thunderbolt, the streak tracker returns to action, favoring the Spicy Mustard Men who stirred up two close upsets over former champion franchises in the past two weeks.  With five in a row the Autodraft Kids are toeing the playoff line. Rodgers has three straight weeks over 20 and Foster has been in double digits for four.  That's the combo that's going to write the checks for DAS down the stretch.  In week nine Rodg and Fost combined for 53% of their total score.

5. (6) TakingTigerMountain  (5-3) -  After a three game dive the Fighting Tigers finally got their noses pointing up.  Needing thirty to equalize with three Saints on SNF, the Crescent City Connection reappeared and Ingram dominated an uncrowded NOLA backfield.  Brees has quietly started to pick his season up with 3 out of 4 games over 20.  Ingram and Hillman are unlikely to stick as consistent RB1, but they at least add variety to the pass catching backs on the bench. 

6. (5)  SanFranciscoFerries (4-4)-    The Ferries put up a good number at 138, but were sunk by the high scorer of the week Aethernauts. Gronk had his first super GRONK week of the year, putting up 33 and the Lacy and Bell combo were both effective, but touchdown-less. It was an even week so Russel Wilson was underwhelming.  The Ferries have been trending upward and managed 130+ three of the last four weeks.  They've got one of the toughest remaining schedules 

7.  (8) Old Future (3-5)  - Don't tell the Future it's over, they know different. The Ancient Ones led the rebellion of the bottom half by handing PG their first loss of the season. It was a weird and wacky line-up day with zeroes from Torrey Smith and Trent Richardson, a 20 from backup RB Knile Davis and 28 from the Miami D/ST.  Peyton's still at the helm so you can't count them out - but they're middle of the road points wise, so they probably need a little help or a prolonged win streak. 

8. (7)  Homespun Neckbloodz (4-4) - Coughing up blood after a punishing introduction to the second half of the season, the Spinners need to rally quickly.  They lost a low-scoring affair to the Shock after Nio-Gio missed precious time with an injury, and Indy's defense got annihilated by Big Ben. The Cyclotron is points poor so a loss is a significant detractor to their playoff chances. 4-1 should do it, but with some tough squads ahead they'll need to break their 110 ceiling to make it happen. 

9. (10)  Trichs  (2-6) - It ain't over yet, the Trichs picked up a much needed win in the game of the week, an unexpected fire-fight with Polk. Picking up a 21 from Carson Palmer on a QB bye week was key, but Maclin and Watkins getting involved in the Sunday points bonanza was what put them in the elite scoring table this week. They're fourth by points and so will win against almost any tiebreakers  for a fifth or sixth spot. In order to get there, they'll need to win out and hope the bar stays at 7-6.

10. (9) Shock_Pix  (3-5) - The Shockers got to spoil the Neckbloodz day with a handy low-ball win to move them within two of .500. A bold move of starting Bortles nearly cost them as Cutler put up nearly 15 more on the bench.  They need help to make the playoffs since they're third lowest by points. But their current ceiling (110s) could easily cap a few teams left on their schedule. 

11. (12)  Pelican Brief (1-7) -  The Grishamites gave it their best effort to bag a Tiger in week 8 and make it two in a row, but couldn't tie up a happy ending. Monster games from Brady and Fitzy hid a variety of lowballs here, especially Lynch's alleged feuding with the team. It was the Pelicans' highest score by more than 28 points.

12. (11)  Polk High Panthers (1-7) - Sometimes it's just not your season - and nothing says that more than losing the closest game of the week after scoring 145 against a fellow 1-6 squad. Did I mention that your two best players were on the shelf during said shootout?  Yeah. That happened too. If nothing else, the Bundys are well-positioned in the Moral Victory standings with their valiant week 8 effort. 

Week 8 Recap

 

 

And then there were none, finally.  And the curse is over, finally. 

In a week full of competitive matches throughout the league, Phat Girlz went down to the Old Future riding behind unlikely heroes of Knile Davis and Miami DEF while the Trix beat Ben-sanity and Polk High to lift the curse of Burt Reynolds from the Celebrity Jeopardy stock derivative.  Props to Future for starting Knile on the day he returned a kickoff for a TD and scored another on the ground, though the decision was out of necessity more than anything.  And despite the loss, Bundy was rewarded for his faith in Big Ben after two consecutive lackluster performances and almost came up with the second win of the season.  We should no longer consider Dijon a cinderella, after the Mustards held off BDT and retained firm grip of their playoffs aspiration. 

And just like that, we have just come to the turning point of the 2014 season.  Things will pick up now in the race to the playoffs, just as the mega-load of bye teams start in Week 9.  Six teams will be on bye for each of the next two weeks and four teams on Week 11, just as it comes to fantasy crutch time.  Teams probably have been preparing for this for awhile with increased spending in waivers, as half of the league has less than 40 bankerbytes left in their wallet, and three have less than 25.  If you are counting on pulling off some trades to fill gaps in the lineup during bye weeks, just a friendly reminder that the PSAS trade deadline is in November 14, that's in two weeks and a change.

Screaming Target

There were some elite WR performances throughout the week while the Goliathes of that position is away.  Antonio Brown is proving he's the number one WR of 2014, amassing 13 targets by Big Ben.  Jeremy Maclin lead the league in targets with 16 and celebrated with a Gatorade shower, which meant no refund for us.  Across the pond, Stafford targeted Golden Tate 15 times to land the Nauts their much-awaited casino prize.

TigerMtn: Antonio Brown, 13 tgt

Pelican: Julio Jones, 6 tgt

Girlz: TY Hilton, 10 tgt

Trix: Sammy Watkins, 6 tgt and one early celebration

Future: Jordy Nelson, 5 tgt

Nauts: Golden Tate, 15 tgt

Nauts wins the pot including the matching funds, and gains +33.  Nice.

Stock Market

Like mentioned above, Celebrity Jeopardy finally hit, as Future and Trix finally managed to win on a same week.  No one bought the cursed derivative and hit big.  Investors instead focused on individual stocks.

Celebrity Jeopardy:  Future and Trix both won

West Coast: BDT, SFF, and Pelican all lost

Babylon: Girlz, Nauts, and TTM won, but Bloodz lost

Upsetters: Future and Shock won, but SFF and Pelican lost

Recap

TTM: +7

Trix (+5)

Target (free)

dividends (+2)

Nauts: +35

Trix (+5)

Girlz (-5)

Target (-3+36)

dividends (+2)

Trix: +10

Trix (+5)

Target (-3)

dividends (x4=+8)

Future: -7

Trix (+5)

Girlz (-5)

TTM (+3)

Bloodz (-5)

Nauts (+3)

BDT (-5)

Target (-3)

Girlz: +1

Target (-3)

dividends (x2=+4)

Pelican: -3

Target (-3)

BDT: +2

dividends

Bloodz: +2

dividends

Things probably won't go as scripted

Public Funds Index:
+323+47=+370

Trix Send Muscle Hamster to Labor Camp to Generate Electricity for North Korea

ESPN Far East

General Far East has stripped Doug Martin aka Muscle Hamster of Far East citizenship and sent him to a labor camp in Siberia operated by the North Koreans to generate electricity for that peninsular purgatory.

Sources in the Far East headquarters, Russia's Far East region and North Korea all confirmed the news, first reported by FOX-Far East on Sunday.

Martin has been a disappointment in fantasy football this season, but he's know for his tenacity and devotion to running, which apparently the Young Great Leader of the rogue state liked as a solution to the unreliable electricity situation in the North.  While he may be rescued from the tireless wheel spinning in the coming weeks by other PSAS franchises looking for bye-week fill-ins, his work in the Far East fantasy land is apparently over after the General drafted him for $36 in the 2014 Draft and high expectations were placed on him.  Waiver pick-ups Ahmad Bradshaw and Denard Robinson will handle the RB2 position moving forward, according to the source in the Far East headquarters.

Martin will generate as much electricity as he did clicks for the blog

PSAS CRAFT BEER REPORT #2: Blue Moon

What's up?  Welcome to the 2nd PSAS Craft Beer Report.   My total bro Luke recommended Blue Moon to me and I had to check it out.  

2 total bros and 1 total/complete stranger (and/or vagrant). 

I have been drinking a shit ton of Shock Top this week and life has been fucking great.  Picked up my first win this season and finally got that big promotion at work.  All thanks to Shock Top!   

BUT DAMN.  BLUE MOON IS FUCKING AWESOME TOO.  

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The packaging on this fucking bad boy sucks.  

It's plain as shit.  Whereas Shock Top isn't just a beer...it's an attitude...it's a lifestyle brand, bro.   The Blue Moon logo makes me want to take a nap on the A train and wake up 7 hours later in Far Rockaway without my wallet and my fucking sweet coral necklace I bought at a Jack Johnson concert.  Shit needs a makeover.

Before (snooze)

After (BOOYA)

TASTE: Blue Moon fucking rules!   I mean it tastes exactly like Shock Top but that's not a bad thing.  THAT'S A FUCKING GREAT THING!  I love Shock Top

FINAL RATING: Highest Rating!  A+.  Five Stars.  Guggenheim Fellowship, bro.

Week 8 Casino Gulag

 

My well is back to being substantial after several tips came in, which stimulated some groundwater within me to flow up.  I don't want to waste good ideas, so we'll pick this week from one of the suggested games.  I choose Target King, as this once gives most player field.

Pick a player who will have MOST TARGETED PASSES.  This week's dollar-refund special is if a non-WR (RB or TE) wins regardless of someone picking him. 

As always, 3 bankerbytes per bet, one bet limit except for TigerMtn.  TTM will receive a free bet paid for by Kenji (you can buy another ticket if you choose) for providing this particular game idea.  I want to encourage others to come up with Casino Gulag games.

Prize is double the pool with matching funds.  First come, first serve, so comment below.  My (winning) pick will come after three bets or 24 hrs.

Week 8 Stock Market & Previewz

As the week progresses, the craziness of that MNF and its aftermath is starting to settle (in).  It was a year ago from tomorrow that AEthernauts was robbed a victory by the g0dz turned the season up side down (sorry to keep bringing that up).  Must be something about Week 7.  Well that's in the rearview mirror now and we've come to Week 8.  San Francisco and NY Football Giants are on bye interestingly in the week of SF Giants World Series appearance.  Sorry SF people--go Royals--Aoki is my man, always getting pinch-run by Dyson at crutch.  (Contrary to Monique and Mrs. Al Bundy's insistence, I don't root for the Yankees nor sleep in a Derek Jeter PJ.  While I think Mo Rivera was the best pitcher I've had the pleasure to watch throw live--by far, and I frequent the Stadium to watch my countrymen play ball in this alien land, the DJ Calendar I received as a B-day gift one year went straight to recycle bin, tbt, but we digress)

More injuries, more need for cash m$n3y.  Fortuna has been favoring giants of late, as the past two week's the inflated casino prize went to Girlz and then to BDT, fattening up the fatties.  Injury bugs as well have relatively stayed away from the top tier teams while hitting the commoners and the food-stampers harshly.  Parity is double-edged sword, and with heavy loads of 6-team bye weeks returning in Week 9 team interest turnout at the bottom of the league needs to be monitored. 

The payout schedule for each 5 bankerbitez bet is as following.

                                      Blue Chip     Market Performer     Junk
Blue Chip (#1-4*)                  5                      3                          2
Market Performer (#5-8*)     10                     5                          3
Junk (#9-12*)                        15                     10                        5

*Based on weekly Power Rankingz.  In case of a tied rank, commissioner's ruling will be published here.

The Guide

-"Initiation Who's Alpha"
(1) Phat Girlz 7-0 (3 bb) vs (8) The Old Future 2-5 (10 bb)

The Rookie Timewarp face the biggest time disturbance yet, facing the Uptown Top Ranking.

Girlz emerged victorious from Week 7 showdown against the Nauts and is perfect 7-0.  Another stellar performances from the Luck, Forte et al, Monique has Colt McCoy to thank for rewarding her Flex decision to go with Garçon.  With line up full of matchup-proof performers save for maybe TE, it just looks like, knock on woods, it would take a very unfortunate event in Indianapolis to slow down these biatches.

The Futurists dropped a tough one to previously winless Pelican in Week 7, and is holding on to a straw in their rookie campaign.  Major lowball was the result of injuries to Freddie and Spill (though the worst injured one gave Oldies some points) and Chicago Blues affecting Alshon.  When no one from WR/RB/TE positions score over 3 points and Peyton is the only player in double digits, a W was a tall glass of Shock Top that they couldn't handle.  The depleted backfield's outlook is not bright with Gore on bye and T-Rich limping in Week 8, and after missing out on RB waiver-pick ups

There are many favorable odds in PSAS stock market, but this is not one of them.

-"Trying to extend it to five"
(2) BuildingDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng 6-1 (5 bb) vs (4) Dijonnaise All-Stars 5-2 (5 bb)

Could be another playoff preview with two top-tiered teams both on four-game winning streaks face each other in Week 8 showdown.

The Philosophic Ones rode on their keeper Boyz yet again for a fourth straight win in Week 7.  They've only lost to the Nauts in Week 3, who they traded parts with last week and this week.  The trades look like it gave BDT lineup a nice lift plus a counter-titration against Mustards' A-Rodg with Nelson addition.  The Dez-Jordy WR tandem is quite possibly the best in the league as Megatron-AJ duo in Polk Country is out of service.  Look for Boyz to make a MNF comeback with Romo-Dez facing Morris's Washington.

It was a statement game for the Yellow in Week 8 with six starters in double figure.  With Miller Poupon Grey have found a solid RB2 with upside.  Receiver trio of Rodney White, Mike Wallace and Kendall Wright represent this year's Dijon well; surprise performers.  Foster is their poster child, and while his health will always be the question for the rest of his career, Mustards are prepared, with handcuff Blue stashed on bench.  Colonel's resume will improve significantly if they can beat the Philosophers here.

Tough one here, gambler's choice. 

-Sky vs Sea
(3) AEthernauts 5-2 (3 bb) vs (5) SanFranciscoFerries 4-3 (10 bb)

Probably the game with most playoffs implication of the week, neither teams have dropped two in a row yet this season.  It has the making to be another instant classic.

Nauts was one TD reception or a good outing from their kicker away from handing the Girlz their first loss, but the outcome showed that, at this point of the season they are slightly behind Phatties in the pecking order.  Newton had yet another quiet-for-his-potential game, while Zac Stacey's status in StL is a concern.  Nauts traded away Jordy and Ivory for Golden and McKinnon, which on the surface look like a slight dip in talent.  They still have the depth on their roster if they can keep getting the titration right. 

Ferries quietly had the week's highest scoring with 136 behind Russel Wilson's 39 pts.  Frisco Kid was relieved to see Welker and Lacy get to the endzone, and Bell is one of the few workhorse back left.  Beckham Jr's breakout could compensate for Cordarrelle and Gronk struggling once he gets back from bye.  Boatmen need this one to launch away from the .500 line and get their first consecutive wins of the season.

Favorable odds for an upsetter, but do Ferries have what it takes is the question.

-Bounce Back Week Brees-Brady prezented by Shock Top

(6) TakingTigerMountain 4-3 (3 bb) vs (11) ThePelicanBrief 1-6 (10 bb)

Both teams are coming off nail-biters in Week 7.  TigerMtn is trending down while Pelican looks to move up the ladder.  A truck-load of Shock-Top will be consumed by the end of this one.

TTM's 1-point loss to Dijon marked three in a row.  It corresponds to Jimmy G's injury and NOLO bye, showcasing how much CCC means to this franchise.  The revamped backfield of Vereen and Hillman played admirably, both scoring well in the twenties.  In a way, officials robbed the Tigers of victory, as they were Antonio Brown's called-back TD / Luke Kuechly's four-tackles-if-he-wasn't-ejected away from getting back to the top tier of PSAS.  Keeper Antonio Brown is truely a WR1. Brees, while not record-setting, keeps playing at a serviceable level, but Daniel Sans can use a big game against A-Rodg's GB in SNF to secure a W and hold on to the playoffs musical chair.

Cheers!  It's a Shock Top moment for everyone when that last monkey is off the back.  While the Grishamites started celebrating early and was tipsy when MNF scare was over, it's a win nonetheless.  Wasn't pretty, as the second lowest score beat the lowest score in a match that saw only two double digit performances by the Pelican squad.  Lynch and Julio have had back-to-back duds, plus keeper Seattle DEF scoring in the negative adds to the Shock Top hangover for the Pelican.  These entities are sure to have bouncebacks, plus stashing Tre Mason a week before the breakout can be the trigger for Shock Top-like resurgence by the Grishamites.  More Shock Tops, please.

Odds favor another Pelican upset.  After one too many, I could be a buyer.

-Turkey's Nest Bowl

(7) HomeSpunNeckBloodz 4-3 (3 bb) vs (9) Shock_Pix® 2-5 (10 bb)

If and when these two faced each other eight years ago on a wee hours of Sunday morning, that was sure to be a sight to pay money to observe at Turkey's Nest spilled over to McCarren Park.  Now that we've grown a bit older and matured a bit, we use fantasy football to settle the score, much to a delight of TigerMtn.

All jokes aside, Bloodz face a match that they can't afford to drop here at crunch time.  They were lucky to escape with a win last week, and while it wasn't Reggie IDPs helped big with two double-digit performers lifting the bye-depleted offense.  Only Andre Ellington and fill-in QB Alex Smith cracked ten on the offensive side of the ball.  In Week 8 they are dealing with Giants bye, but depth is not really an issue for this squad at this point.  Getting the titration right is, and they need it here against dangerous Shock_Pix squad.

Shock's semi-auto pilot couldn't handle the aftermath of Harvin trade, and while Demaryius exploded like Heinz bottle spilling ketchup all over Waffle House plates, it didn't materialize.  DT makes this team one to monitor week in and week out after psych dog succeeded in replacing his injured backs with each of their respective/respectable handcuffs.  The still-missing one IDP is just a charm.  Harvin's upside with Geno and the Jets is a mystery, but Cutler should bounce back after Marshall rant.

I'm still short on Primordials, but another favorable odds will collect dividends for Shock from those looking for value pick for sure.

-Elimination Game

(10) Trichotillomaniacs 1-6 (5 bb) vs (12) Polk High Panthers 1-6 (5 bb)

Two struggling one-win teams play an elimination game.  The loser will pack their bags and await consolation tourney.

Trichs' truly have their back at the bank now with 6 losses, same number as they did last year when they made the playoffs as the lone 7-6 team thanks to high-scoring ways they demonstrated throughout the season.  The scoring is there again this year (fourth in the league) albeit at a lesser scale; the wins aren't.  Week 7 was destined to be a tough one since they drafted both McCoy and Martin high (both had their bye last week), but a loss is always disappointing nonetheless.  Good news is, Kaep's bye this week will mark the end of the bulk of bye season for the Far East Rulaz just at a time the rest of the league goes into heavy rotation of missing players.  The always-motivated Hairpullers could be the generator of chaos in the second half if they can find ways to win.

No team has been hit harder with injuries than Bundys that still didn't get Megatron or AJ back in losing six-straight.  They did have an almost win over Bloodz in Week 7 thanks to their AFC West (repre-zent) backfield of Charles and DMC that's looking more respectable as the season progresses.  The WR duo's return countdown has begun, and when they do, Polk High's lineup will look formidable thanks to their revamped backfield and IDPs. 

At even odds, another gambler's choice.  Y'all know who I'll pick (I'm 1-6 buying Trix baby!)

Derivatives

For Sale:

Celebrity Jeopardy: Future win and Trix win (40 bb)

West Coast Offense: BDT win, SFF win and Pelican win (30 bb)

Freebie with another stock/derivative purchase:
Babylon O-ppression: Girlz win, Nauts win, TTM win and Bloodz win (25 bb)
Upsetters War Ina Babylon: Future win, SFF win, Pelican win and Shock win (100 bb) <------- BAILOUT MONEY

Comment below for purchase orders.

Mid-Season Awards Watch *Updated

*Updated Edition

While the final Season Award Ceremony is still months away, we take a look at tentative bests of the 2014 season.  Things could change dramatically in the second half of the regular season, but this is how things stand as of the completion of Week 7.

Heisenburg's Maximum Titration Award - BldngDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng (54 and counting)

Last year's BDT had 66 moves during the entire regular season to lead the league in number of transactions.  This year, they already have 54 at mid-point.  Their record has also improved, so the titration are frequent and spot-on, it seems.  In PSAS's five seasons, they lead the league in this category three times and was runner up (by only one transaction in 2012) in the other two years.  This one is the surest bet to stand until season's end.

Cashman's Biggest Purchase Award - The Old Future: Knile Davis ($66)

Jamaal Charles went down in the week TigerMtn dropped Davis, and the Rookie Time-warp pounced on the talented handcuff.  Hindsight is always crisp-clear, and we see that Knile spends much time on Future bench as Charles is back while not as dominant as years past.  The runner-up spending Asiata ($49 to TTM) isn't fairing much better, being eclipsed by a DivII Georgia Southern wishbone QB.  Last year's biggest purchase was at $87 for Brandon Jacobs in what was a hyper-inflated market.  This year's waivers is less bubblicious plus funds are starting to dwindle, so we'll see if any larger bid that could equal to BJ87 materializes in late season.

 

*Jay-Z's Biggest Spender Award - The Old Future, $140

Big pimpin' spending G's, or is it spreading cheez?  Before BDT took over as the leader after the triple-RB acquisition in Week 8, the Future lead the league in spendings mostly riding on the Davis acquisition and Torrey Smith's ($39).  They overloaded the waivers in these occasions, outbidding second highest bid by $25 in Davis's case and no one else putting in a claim for Torrey Smith's case. 

Best/Worst Trade - Polk High-PelicanBrief (Julio Jones/Fitz for Charles, week 1)

There really isn't a winner in this one of three trades that we've seen this year so far, and it may be why franchises are so gun-shy about making trades this season.  It's not really the trade of WR1-2 for RB1 that's questioned.  It's just that the two teams involved in this trade are at the bottom of the standingz at 1-6.  The other trades between contenders Nauts and BDT have the making of becoming the award-winner by the end of the year, depending on how the traded players and car salesman fair.  We probably haven't seen the last of trades in PSAS 2014.

*Best Draft - Phat Girlz

Honorable Mention: DraftBot version 20.1.4. for Dijonnaise All-Stars

As Arbiter commented, which inspired this category, the strength of Monique's season has its foundation on her laudable draft.  The Indy double-titration cannon of Luck for $22 and Hilton for $14 added to value keepers Tate ($3) and Garçon ($11) is the engine of this team.  Mix those with the right RB1 pick of Forte for $57 and WR1 pick of Cobb for $46, and you have a complete team.  For the DraftBot, the highlight includes Rivers for $4, Foster for $32 and Miller for $19. 

*Worst Draft Bust - Adrian Peterson for $68, TakingTigerMountain

Dishonorable Mention: LeSean McCoy ($58, Trichs), Montee Ball ($49, BDT), Zac Stacy ($39, Nauts), Keenan Allen ($37, Shock), Doug Martin ($36), Toby Gerhart ($32, BDT)

No one can be blamed for this, but the highest paid player in 2014 (=AP) logged a meager 9.3 points before being shut down for likely the rest of the season from the Switch-gate scandal.  Running backs are the easiest to break down by nature, but this year off-field issues have hit the position hard as well.  It's worth mentioning that, save for the Trichs and Shock, all teams that drafted above players are playoff contenders, which says something about those teams. 

MickyD's Dollar Menu Best $1 Spent in Draft Award - AEthernauts: Chris Ivory

 
Honorable mention: Cecil Shorts III (Pelican), Antonio Gates (Nauts), Reuben Randle, Steve Smith Sr. (Bloodz)

While contents are likeliest to be dropped from the roster with the click of a mouse, the dollar bin is full of gems every year.  Ivory is the mid-season favorite based on higher values workhorse RBs command, but SSS's performance is also worth mentioned.  Every body was hot on Ladarius Green in the pre-season, but Gates has held on to being the Rivers' Resurgence beneficiary.  We'll see how many of them will be the Best Keeper Value winner next summer.  This year's $1 keeper club includes Julius Thomas (Trichs), Joique Bell (Bloodz) and Cordarrelle Patterson (Nauts).

E-Trade Most Invested - Trichotillomaniacs: 13 bets

Last year's champs have seen many favorable odds in the market thanks to their own inability to win in 2014, and teams have tried to cash in hoping they'll eventually start winning.  The problem is exactly that lack of winning that created the favorable odds in the first place.  They've only won once, so only four of the thirteen bets have returned money for investors.  The front door to the Trichs office is widely shut of late to wade off protestors demanding their money back.  If they continue their losing ways, investor confidence will soon diminish.

Coach of the Year - Phat Girlz' Monique

Honorable mention: Dijon's Colonel Mustard, BDT's Hermodorus

Everyone knows Monique has the Girlz titrating at a very high level winning seven-straight, but the season's surprise is Colonel Mustard.  After trusting the DraftBots to construct his team while spending only 90% of the budget, Colonel has tweaked his lineups enough to have the sophomore team sitting comfortably in the chase for their first playoffs berth.  BDT's turnaround is also worth mentioning.

Game of the Year - Dijonnaise All-Stars vs TakingTigerMountain, week 7

While any of the four games in week 7 that was decided by less than 10 points as well as the Dijon's MNF win over Future the previous week are worth the consideration, Dijon-TTM had the most playoffs implication with both teams previously at 4-2.  If the outcome of any of the three Week 7 close games flips, that one jump to the top of the list.

Most Improved Team - Dijonnaise All-Stars

Honorable mention: BDT, Nauts, TigerMtn, Bloodz,

Sophomore slump is not in Colonel's dictionary.  He's gained more prowess on and off the field to manage a playoff-contending team in the first half of the season.  If memory serves correctly, Dijon also had a hot start last year but tapered off toward the end.  We'll see if Foster can stay healthy to carry the Mustards deep this year.  All teams honorably mentioned are in playoffs contention after missing the dance last year.  BDT and Nauts hold the handle, while TigerMtn and Bloodz still need statement wins.

*Rookie of the Year - The Old Future

This is the obvious/only choice.  The Futurists have struggled early on, losing several close and tough games en route to a 2-5 start.  Maybe rusts, maybe the unique culture of PSAS, probably both, Team Timewarp have shown enough fantasy prowess in waivers, casino and stock market for all of us to take note and pay respect.  They just need to make some kind of sacrifice to the g0dz so the g0dz would smile on them.

***We'll keep adding categories as I or anyone think of them.  Comments encouraged.  

Power Rankings Week 8

Smokin'

Week 7, hump week, saw bleak separation in the league, with four teams 3+ over .500 and and five teams 3+ under .500. The irony of the widening gulf is that it makes a 7-6 playoff run more likely. The top four teams play the bottom five in three of their remaining six games (except BDT who plays only two bottom five teams), making further striation/separation likely.  The mid-range three teams have schedules that make a 3-3 split look like it could carry a team to the sixth spot potentially.  Of course past performance is no guarantee of future prediction.  BDT has the fourth lowest points total and lowest points against total. The Trichs have the fourth highest points total and the second highest points against. Will those numbers adjust in the rest of the schedule? And will that be reflected in the W/L standings? Probably not because of sample size, but because the week 7 is where we first start to get a realistic form of the playoff race.

1.  (1)  Phat Girlz - (7-0) - Despite a host of blue chip performers, it was a gamble flex play of Garcon that got the Girlz to the next level this week. Now the fantasy favorites by a comfortable margin, the Girlz can focus on taking a playoff bye and preparing their line-up for the post bye week chaos. Luck is still #1 by points and Hilton is his favorite target. As long as Forte's wheels stay on there's little to derail the Girlz in the immediate future. Cobb, #3 WR by points, is that extra push right now.  The Girlz have made the fewest wire moves in the league and have the most Banker Bytes remaining.  Will Monique flex her muscle to make sure that PG stays alone in the heavyweight class?  Average score 133.5. Average against 103.9.

2.  (2) BuildingDwellingThinking  (6-1) - Taking their fourth in a row the German Philosophers put themselves in the drivers seat for playoff position.  It's the Cowboys show thru seven weeks and BDT has the two of the three pieces that count.   McKinnon appears to have won more time in the Vikings backfield and Pierce is still chugging along in Baltimore, but if Montee Ball can't take his job back upon his return then BDT is still ground deficient.  Average score 106.5. Average against 90.1.

3. (3) Aethernauts - (5-2) -  By the looks of it, a late-round playoff preview, the Explorers dropped a high scoring affair to the Girlz, but it could easily have gone the other way. Cobb got a little more of A-Rodg's love than Jordie in the Lambeau receiver battle. Ivory and Murray are easily the hardest running RB combo in the league. Murray is still on pace to break all kinds of touch records for the league. If the Cowboys throttle back on his usage the Aethers will descend to cloud level. Average score 119.5. Average against 104.9.

4. (5)  Dijonaise All Stars (5-2)   - The Mustard Men sliced things pretty close with a dramatic MNF win in garbage time, but got the job done for their fourth straight win.  With Miami and Houston channeling their mid-range offenses through Miller and Foster the boys from Dijon are Kondiment Kings. A-Rodg is on fire.   Even the aging air duo of Wallace and White looked good this week. Average score 112.9. Average against 106.3.

5. (6)  SanFranciscoFerries (4-3)-  The Ferries put up their best score of the year in a key game to stay in the top half of the league. The Frisco Kids have been mercurial scorers, putting up 130 this week after a 70 point effort last time out. a thirty point swing for QB Wilson accounts for half of that. With front line RB1s in Lacy and Bell, they're TD hunters at WR, but both Welker and Williams found their mark Sunday.  With Bush still not 100% they'll mix and match at flex, hoping to power through the stretch run like SFF teams past.  Average score 109.8. Average against 116.6.

6. (4) TakingTigerMountain  (4-3) -  After a four and oh start the Tigers have dropped three straight after ending up on the wrong end of some Monday Night fantasy heroics. A decision to play a still injured Jimmy Graham produced a goose-egg, and the win-loss differential as Cook sat the bench with a pedestrian 2.5.  The good news is that Brees had his best game of the year, but the Mountain needs him to be consistently over 20 to be competitive with the top tier. Despite unexpected monster games from the TTM running crew, it's still all Crescent City Connection. Every game that Graham is sub-beast backs the Tigers closer to the edge. Average score 116.3. Average against 116.8.

7. (7)  Homespun Neckbloodz (4-3) - The Bloodz just nicked the Panthers to stay on the cutting edge of playoff action. A 105 and change got it done in week 8, and to this point that's been near their ceiling (topping out at 109).  Nio-Gio had his first big whiff of the season in a shutout against Indy, but bye week spot starts from Smith and Randle gave them just enough. Dual double digit IDP performances kept the Cyclotron powered up - round and round she goes. Average score 100.5. Average against 91.5.

8.  (T.7) Old Future (2-5)  - The Futurists lost a micro-comeback on Monday night after both teams lowballed terrifically. The loss column addition hurts all the more with the dual injuries to F-Jax and Spiller, the Bills/OF running corps.  Even if they spend for handcuffs  it's a significant downgrade in the face of an uphill battle toward the playoffs.  Trent Richardson will likely take over one of the spots, so it's not a total disaster. And the Ancient Ones can't be counted out until the math is done mathing because they have the QB godfather at the helm. Peyton's been over 20 every week. Of the sub .500 teams they've got the most life left in 'em. Average score 107.4. Average against 103.7.

9. (10) Shock_Pix  (2-5) - The Shock Toppers couldn't do it, despite a surge of support for their eponymous brewery and mascot this week.  A Cutler fail at QB and Harvin trade shenanigans doomed them against a nice week for the Ferries. But they still crossed the triple digit mark  (for the second time, 2 out of the last 3 with a 99 in there too). Demaryius is the third WR by points.  With only five losses, the Pix are not eliminated yet, but with a low points total on the year, they'll probably need to win out to go dancing.   Still with 5/6 games against teams above them in the standings they could be a monkey wrench if nothing else. Average score 95.6. Average against 124.

10. (9)  Trichs  (1-6) - After a backs to the wall win in week 6, the Trichs faced a host of nasty byes in week 8, and a BDT squad that needed to keep pressing for a shot at a playoff bye. With Shady out the Trichs are a different team, unfortunately, he's been "out" more than not this season. Utter chaos and a winning streak could help the Shogunate as their the top of the sub .500 teams by points. Average score 113.0. Average against 119.6.

11. (12)  Pelican Brief (1-6)-  The Grishamites partied early, then eeked out a first win over Future.  The game has more effect on the Future's playoff chances that the Brief's, but a win nonetheless. Lynch had a second straight scuffling game as the Seahawks again looked like lame ducks.  Brady at least has been some comfort (if cold) with his third straight +20 week.  The Rankings aren't too far on limb saying this won't be their only win of the season. Average score 91.6. Average against 103.4.

12. (11)  Polk High Panthers (1-6) - The Bundys took another week in the teeth waiting for Calvin and AJ, R-burger's called back TD to Antonio would have changed the outcome this week.  The doomed basement trade between the Pelicans and Panthers hasn't helped either's cause, although the participants have performed well.  Average score 92.2. Average against 117.9.

Week 7 Recap

Some games are still too close to call

That was Week 7, the mid-point of the season.  Wow.  I mean.  Wow.

What a crazy week.  Six teams are still holding their breath, waiting for that dreaded Tuesday-Thursday recalculation (just ask the AEthernauts what that's like) as three matches were decided by 3 pts or less.  As it stands now, it's still the undefeated Phat Girlz at top, who will all but clinch playoffs berth with one more win.  BDT, who took care of business against Trix, are right behind at 6-1 and have the first-round bye in sight, while Nauts, who closely lost to the Girlz in the most anticipated game of the year, and Dijon, who beat TigerMtn in what turned out to be the game of the year, are comfortably in the chase at 5-2.  Three teams are bunched at 4-3, and if things go accordingly, one of these teams (TTM, SFF, Bloodz) will be left out of the big dance.  Five teams below .500 mark, all with 5 losses or more, have the remotest of chances at this point, though no team can be ruled out just yet thanks to Pelican finally cracking the Win column.  One team did make the playoffs at 7-6 last year, and as a sixth seed that team went on to become the 2013 Champion.  So all bets are still on.

The market saw little activity, but injuries keep piling up, opening up fantasy opportunities for previously unheralded FA/waiver dwellers.  We'll likely see a heavy dose of transactions with mega bye-weeks starting at Week 9 just around the corner, but some teams' waiver budget well is starting to dry up. 

Yardiez

No one picked QBs that went over 300 ydz (we'll give benefit of doubt to Pelican that his comment wasn't a misspell of Luck who threw for league-leading 344 ydz in Week 7).  Matthew Stafford had the near-pin with 299 ydz while Kyle Orton, who honest to god was going to be my choice until I chickened out, had 283 ydz.  Refund candidate Peyton went over 300 and couldn't help us while Tony Romo helped the Boyz to a big pay-dirt.

Old Future: Philip Rivers 205 ydz

TTM: Jay Cutler: 190 ydz

Bloodz: Andy Dalton 126 ydz

Trix: Colin Kaepernick 263 ydz

Nauts: Tom Brady 261ydz

BDT: Tony Romo 279 ydz

BDT will collect pot, matching funds minus his bet, a nice +33.

Stock Market

I'm still hesitant to finalize this since I got the feeling outcomes may change.  But with waivers and rankingz and previewz coming up, we've got to move on so we got to start somewhere.  The curse of Celebrity Jeopardy continues, and we may never see this derivative make any money to anyone this year. 

Celebrity Jeopardy: Future and Trix both lost

Upsetters: Pelican won but Trix and Shock lost

ATTWN: Pelican won but Nauts lost

Recap

Future: +5

Bloodz (+3)

Dijon (+10)

Shock (-5)

Yardz (-3)

TTM: -8

Shock (-5)

Yardz (-3)

Trix: -3

Trix (-5)

Bloodz (+3)

Yardz (-3)

dividends (+2)

Bloodz: +1

Yardz (-3)

dividends (x2=+4)

BDT: +33

Yardz (-3+36)

Nauts: -3
Yardz (-3)

Shock: +4

dividends (x2)

Dijon: +2

dividends

Sing it Peyton: Market will come back next week

Public Funds Index:
+292+31=+323

Check your numbers, please

1-6

Locker Room is prepped.  Shock Top is on ice.  1-6, baby.

PSAS CRAFT BEER REPORT #1: SHOCK TOP *UPDATED*

Welcome to the first edition of the PSAS Craft Beer Report!  Over the next couple of months I'll review some of the top craft beers (brews) in the country.  First up is SHOCK TOP!!!!!!!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The packaging on this bad boy is fucking sweet!  The orange slice on the packaging has a fucking mohawk AND sunglasses.  This orange slice means fucking business and would probably cut you if you tried to eat him at halftime during your daughter's soccer match.  

TASTE: Shock Top fucking rules!  I don't know what 'Belgian White' means and I don't give a shit because this beer tastes like liquid gold.  (BTW, some shitty brewery in Brooklyn makes a beer called Liquid Gold but that beer is shit compared to Shock Top.)  I WANT TO TAKE MY MONTHLY SHOWER IN THIS FUCKING BEER.

FINAL RATING: Highest rating!  A+.  Four Stars.  Gold star.  Kennedy Center honors, bro! 

UPDATE (10/19) 

HOLY SHIT, BROS.  THERE"S A PUMPKIN SHOCKTOP!!!!  LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BAD ASS PUMPKIN.