New High Priest at G0dbank

GrossmanSachs is pleased to announce the newest pillar upholding the spotless integrity of the First Bank of G0d: Miguel Cabrera. GrossmanSachs VP of Marketing / Interstellar Alumni Relations, Prescott Bush IV, was literally glowing (kalediscopic hues that can only be seen with the aid of powerful hallucinogens) while gushing about Cabrera's intangibles, "You know he's a Babalawo, right? So not only does he bring a priestly knowledge of Santeria and it's mystic properties, he's also a certified herbalist, whose importance cannot be overstated in the post-steroid era. Miguel is also a Catholic, which increases the G0dbank's spiritual investors by, oh, I dunno, a billion people. Just imagine all the possible titrations-- on opening day, for instance, The High Migui, as we've taken to calling him,will prepare an herbal tonic for the boys made from the blood of the innocent (mostly Rex Grossman's), protect our locker room from Ajogun and his evil spirits by sacrificing the Philadelphia Fanatic on his altar, and he'll even be confirming my boy, Prescott V, because we couldn't make it through the ceremony at St. Peter's due to Pope Benedict's massive, violent, erection. Cabrera's .328 batting average last season, along with his 38 home runs are merely icing on the cake."

The GrossmanSachs locker room has been much more "spirited" after Cabrera's arrival

We know that our acquisition of Cabrera is not without its detractors. Some point to Migui's recent DUI arrest, including his purported threats to kill the owner of a diner if he wasn't served, along with threats to blow the building up, and sure, some say he walked down the middle of a highway telling the police to "Fucking shoot him," but it's just that type of self-confidence and self-sacrifice that we'll need in our first PSAS baseball season. He is our Lethal Weapon.

Cabrera told Florida Police, "If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

Mel Gibson got a day pass from The Charlie Manson School of Pathology to personally deliver a message to Cabrera

In fact, when Mel Gibson first heard of Cabrera's recent arrest he sent him an autographed copy of Aplocalypto with the following inscription: "Only he who is unafraid to be sacrificed, will rise to one day have sacrifices made in his name, unless of course they're Jewish, in which case they'll make wonderful candles someday. Love, MG"

Has anyone ever been happier to be arrested? Is it possible Cabrera knew the only place he was safe was in prison?

Cabrera, who begins his season today against the Yankees, couldn't be reached for comment, because he was reportedly watching Vincent D'Onofrio's final scene in Full Metal Jacket on repeat.

Cabrera calls Pvt. Pile "An inspiration to us all, except he could only play DH because of that gut."

Chavez: Capitalism may have ended fantasy leagues on Mars

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez today suggested that the "unrestrained competitive economic practices, leading to imperialism" may have been responsible for the destruction of fantasy leagues on the planet Mars. Speaking on World Water Day, Chavez sited commercial water operations for draining the Earth's fresh water reserves. In addition, he argued that Western intervention in Libya was designed to secure valuable oil and water reserves, as well as to disrupt the Italian soccer team Juventus, of which Khadaffi's son is part owner. "The resulting destabilization of fantasy soccer will lead to instability in other fantasy leagues, leaving capitalists to pick up the ever dwindling fantasy resources."
The President, who narrowly avoided a CIA-sponsored coup in 2002, went on to speculate that a similar process of property ownership, exchange value and expansion theology may have lead to a global fantasy collapse on the fourth planet in our solar system. The red planet's connection to fantasy sports dates to ancient times when Roman plebians would create hypnos legiones or "dream legions" of their favorite gladiators on wax tablets supplied by the temple of the war god.

BREAKING: DARK DAYS ON THE HORIZON FOR PSAS

Disturbing reports are now circulating within the PSAS Competition Committee Offices that the April 17^th matrimony ceremony of PSAS Commissioner in Lexington, Kentucky has dark, occultic significance, and may even expose secret Nazi connections of several high-ranking league members. What exactly these elements within the PSAS are plotting remains a tight-lipped mystery, but it now appears the marriage ceremony is a clever cover in order to bring the league members together without anyone suspecting their nefarious unholy agenda. It has come to the attention of the PSAS Competition Committee that the PSAS is in great danger and may even be on the verge of extinction if certain forces have their way.

The bombshell reports concern two odd elements of an otherwise innocuous nuptual ceremony, (1) three ceremonies will take place mimicking the ancient Babylonian Akitu Festival; and (2) the curious choice of Lexington, Kentucky - a town whose fondness for whiskey and horseracing is only surpassed by its masonic ties.

PART I: SECRET OCCULTIC TIES WITHIN THE PSAS

As most are aware three is the number of the triad, of the unit formed by duality (2) and its offspring (1), of the three faces of thegoddess (virgin, mother, and crone), of the creation that is made possible by joining forces with another: THE NUMBER OF DIVINE PERFECTION. The Trinity consists of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. There are three qualities of the universe: Time, Space, and Matter. To exist (except for God), all three are required. Each quality consists of three elements. Therefore, we live in a trinity of trinities.

In Babylon the Akitu Festival was held to honor Marduk, the patron deity of the city. Throughout Mesopotamia other cities held their own Akitu festivals and in some places, such as Ur, the festival was celebrated in the spring and fall at each equinox, right around April 17^th to be specific. The archaeological evidence of the Babylonian festival goes back to the early second millennium BCE; around the time that Hammurabi and the Old Babylonian Empire set the city on its nearly 2000 year long path to greatness.

The festival began on the first day of the month of Nisannu and lasted for 12 days. Nisannu, which coincides with April, traditionally marked the beginning of the year as it followed the vernal/March equinox. Thus there are three essential elements of the celebration that are mimicked perfectly by the Commisioner’s “giant party”. In essence, the participants begin celebrating the Akitu Festival beginning with the “bachelor party”, through the wedding, and finally the third party in Brooklyn which represents the festival’s closing.

What’s more is that April 16^th marks the 5^th anniversary in which Russian Intelligence Analysts reported on a bizarre religious ritual being preformed by elements of the United States Military, including some of their top leaders, in the closed Military Zone of the ancient city of Babylon in the Iraqi War Zone. Seen by Russian satellite photos taken of the areas around Babylon, these reports stated that the Americans constructed a nearly one kilometer circle around their massive excavation of Babylon of a ‘Feathered Serpent’ in an apparent ritual relating to the ‘ancient objects’ they are about to unearth and have stationed giant US Military Cargo aircraft to bring to the United States, and which they had apparently been waiting to do on the specific date of April 16th.

Of course, it is hardly a coincidence that on this 5^th year anniversary of the US military’s ring ceremony, there is another ring ceremony taking place in Lexington. Babylonian mythology is replete with stories of the rings of Shamash and Marduk. Rings have also been linked to the zodiac, the yin/yang and the 'magic circle' of magicians and Wiccaus. In a magical sense, wearing a ring 'binds' you with power, with energy. To the mystics, when the ring is placed on the ring finger (the penis symbolised), it symbolises the union of the male and female; hence, through this symbolism, the wedding ring means marriage or union.

PART II: LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY AND THE ANCIENT TREASURE OF THE LOST CIVILIZATION

Perhaps even more disturbing is the choice of Lexington, Kentucky. In his 1806 book Travels In America, Thomas Ashe writes of his experiences with a vast cavern originally discovered in 1783 beneath the city of Lexington, 300 feet long, 100 feet wide and 19 feet high, containing exotic artifacts and riches, scrolls translated from extinct languages, a stone altar for sacrifices, human skulls and bones piled high, and mummified remains. He soon fled with about 50 of his fellow initiates, leaving his wife, his sons and the rest of his guerrilla troops behind. But instead of making a direct exit, he risked making a mysterious side trip to Frankfort, KY, arriving on the day of the solstice. Clearly, there was some occult significance to his visit to Frankfort. But what? That he was interested in the forgotten ancient civilization is a distinct possibility.

By now it should come as no surprise that several PSAS members plan on spending their nights in Frankfort, just a short drive from Lexington. They seem to be following the exact same path as was described in Travels in America. Could it be that the PSAS members are also interested in the forgotten ancient civilization, and the riches of their lost treasure? It is highly suspected that the location of the wedding, the Bodley-Bullock House, whose address is 200 Market Street, Lexington, KY, at the corner of West Second Street, is the very exact location that possesses the vast cavern beneath the building. If that is the case, it would make perfect sense because the wedding ceremony would be the only way to give the PSAS members enough time to excavate the lost treasure underneath the building. And without anyone noticing.

If any PSAS member were able to locate the lost treasure it would upset the balance of power in the PSAS tremendously. Namely, the teams with exotic wealth would be able to buy and sell players as they pleased, consolidate more draft picks, and generally undermine the Primordial Reserve’s ability to control economic activity through its inflationary/deflationary policies. The result from locating the lost treasure would be nothing short of a cataclysmic shift in power among the ruling elites and the poor underclass within the PSAS. The PSAS would soon resemble Major League Baseball with teams like the Yankees and Red Sox buying all the free agents, and teams like the Pirates forced to sell their best players to their greedy rulers just to stay out of the debt that would inevitably result from such stark economic imbalance.

PART III: THE PSAS, THE NAZIS, AND THE SECRET TECHNOLOGY OF THE LOST CIVILIZATION

It is presumed the Masons have been guarding the lost treasure and the secrets of the ancient civilization since Thomas Ashe’s visit in 1783. It may also be presumed that the secrets of the ancient civilization are more important to the PSAS faction than the lost treasure. While money motivates a good portion of the PSAS, most of the elites are motivated by power and sheer will to dominate, and eventually enslave, their opposition. Ancient scrolls, texts, and tablets upon which was inscribed some of the world’s most esoteric knowledge may contain such a wealth of extraordinary information that could give enlightened PSAS teams a critical edge. It has long been the lore that Heinrich Himmler and Hitler’s top commando, SS Standartenfuehrer Otto Skorzeny, discovered this ancient knowledge and used it to mobilize the Axis powers at a pace never before seen in history. Before this is dismissed as some impossible fantasy, consider the unprecedented scientific advances under Hitler’s Germany. From the V-1 and the later V-2 rockets that terrorized London, to plastics such as Bakelite, polystyrene, Plexiglas, polyamide (nylon), television (remember, americans did not get to see TV until the early 1950s, but more than 150,000 persons in 28 public viewing rooms in Berlin saw clear television broadcasts of the 1936 Olympics), night-vision, to weapons such as the Panzershreck Bazooka, American military intelligence officers were shocked by the technology they found as Allied forces overran German research facilities. Former Polish military journalist Igor Witkowski described German wartime research as “the greatest technological leap in the history of our civiiization.”

It is not far fetched to consider that Germany’s technological advancements were the result of discovering the secret knowledge from the ancient civilization. It is even conceivable that the secret knowledge contains information from extra-terrestrial beings that encountered the ancient civilization long ago. Consider the infamous “foo fighters,” small glowing balls of light that shadowed Allied bombers. The “foo fighters” were actually the Feuerball, or fire ball, which was a “highly original flying machine . . . circular and armored, more or less resembling the shell of a tortoise, and was powered by a special turbojet engine, also flat and circular, whose principles of operation . . . generated a great halo of luminous flames”. Even though PSAS members have been conditioned for more than 60 years to dismiss any notion of flying saucers, or UFOs, the accumulation of evidence available today makes it impossible to reject the reality of such craft out of hand. To wit, it is fascinating to recall that one of the first and best documented cases of mysterious UFO abductions took place in 1961, when Betty and Barney Hill under hypnosis recalled being taken aboard a circular craft manned by men in black uniforms. Barney Hill described the leader as a “German Nazi” wearing a shiny black jacket, scarf, and cap.

It is conceivable that the secret knowledge from the ancient civilization (possibly passed down from extraterrestrials) is what enabled the Nazis to develop UFO’s, nuclear technology (which was surreptitiously passed to the Allies giving them the atomic bomb), great leaps in pharmaceutical research, and other exotic technologies never seen before in human history. Most of this technology was destroyed by the Nazis at the end of the war, including the ability to time travel, superconductors, and remote viewing. Nazi super-science was completely distinct and unique from Einstein’s quantum physics, dubbed by the Germans as “Jew science”, but mostly lost and undeveloped since the war.

Thus, one can see how important it is to locate the ancient treasure of the lost civilization in Lexington, Kentucky. Perhaps in uncovering the lost treasure, exotic technologies will once again become available to mankind. It might open the door to antigravity, limitless free energy, a cure for diseases, an end to the aging process, faster-than-light speeds, and maybe even interdimensional and time travel. Of course, if this knowledge falls in the wrong hands, not only the PSAS, but entire world will be in danger. That is precisely what is at stake on the weekend of April 17^th, where as many as 7 PSAS franchises converge on Lexington, Kentucky in search of the lost treasure of the ancient civilization. The implications of a PSAS franchise locating the secret knowledge of the ancient civilization is astounding and is probably beyond human comprehension. One need only consider the possibility of remote viewing, known in parapsychological terms as clairvoyance. If one PSAS franchise were able to discern an opponent’s lineup maneuvers, free agency decisions, and team philosophy, it would provide a tremendous advantage on Sundays. And even if the clairvoyant team lost – because this ability is intuitive and not always crystal-clear – the team could time travel and, in essence, have a do-over. The sanctity of the PSAS would be in great danger, assuming the other PSAS teams would know the insidiousness that was taking place. One has to wonder how a team with a losing record in the regular season was able to upset the League’s best team in the Championship. Does Vickskennel already have the ability to time travel?

It is unclear whether the PSAS members are working in concert with one another to locate the lost treasure of the ancient civilization, or are in competition with one another, in a race against to be the first to find the treasure. It is conceivable each PSAS member has a part of the “code” and only when converging on Lexington, they will combine all the clues/codes to find the truth. Equally scary is the potential that the greedy PSAS members will stop at nothing to be the first to locate the ancient secrets before their primordial brethren. Either way, the future of the PSAS is in great, unspeakable danger and surely will never be the same after the weekend of April 17^th. While the uninitiated masses mindlessly fill out their NCAA brackets, and plot draft strategies for the upcoming fantasy baseball season, the PSAS sits perilously on the precipice of unholy disaster.

Wikileaks: Tourney Victory to be Worth PSAS Reserve Notes

Intercepted cables published on the wikileaks.org website appear to transcribe a conversation indicating that victory in the upcoming NCAA tournament pool will be worth $200,000 PSAS reserve currency. The documents in question appear to outline a one time currency creation by fiat by the Reserve chairman as a "laurel" to the victor.
We'll continue to report on this developing story as it progresses.

Surprise Announcement: Commish Creates NCAA Tournament Pick-em

-Commish: "This is undiscovered country."
- Reports: League could be open to cross-fantasy titration

Exciting news today out of the Commish's office in Tribeca, as the chairman of the PSAS announced that the league was officially re-branding itself as a "full spectrum fantasy sport dominance entity" with the creation of PSAS Pick 'Em league. The basketball tournament picking league is just the first of many potential additions to the league's original mission of NFL fantasy titration. Special secretary to the commissioner Rachel Oberlin offered brief comments to the media saying, "We're in undiscovered country here, people...Cross-fantasy titration has broad implications across all sports." She added "I mean, real sports, NASCAR and Tennis are still worthless to us, but there's plenty of fantasy to be had in basketball and baseball, and the PSAS intends to claim is fantasy rights in all valuable sectors." Perhaps the most interesting of the early speculation is that victory in the tournament league may reflect itself in PSAS reserve notes next season. Oberlin had no comment, but did say "Everything is on the table right now." Meanwhile, talks on the PSAS's bid at hostile-acquisition of the HTMLB and TVC leagues have stalled with only weeks until the fantasy baseball season begins. Spokesman for HTMLB league owners Buckaroo Bokai fired back, "We're not going quietly, they've picked a fight with a warlock, and the PSAS is about to find out exactly what that means."