GrossmanSachs is pleased to announce the newest pillar upholding the spotless integrity of the First Bank of G0d: Miguel Cabrera.
GrossmanSachs VP of Marketing / Interstellar Alumni Relations, Prescott Bush IV, was literally glowing (kalediscopic hues that can only be seen with the aid of powerful hallucinogens) while gushing about Cabrera's intangibles, "You know he's a Babalawo, right? So not only does he bring a priestly knowledge of Santeria and it's mystic properties, he's also a certified herbalist, whose importance cannot be overstated in the post-steroid era. Miguel is also a Catholic, which increases the G0dbank's spiritual investors by, oh, I dunno, a billion people. Just imagine all the possible titrations-- on opening day, for instance, The High Migui, as we've taken to calling him, will prepare an herbal tonic for the boys made from the blood of the innocent (mostly Rex Grossman's), protect our locker room from Ajogun and his evil spirits by sacrificing the Philadelphia Fanatic on his altar, and he'll even be confirming my boy, Prescott V, because we couldn't make it through the ceremony at St. Peter's due to Pope Benedict's massive, violent, erection. He also personally recruited Barrack Obama's mother (pictured, right) to be team mascot / Iyanifa. Cabrera's .328 batting average last season, along with his 38 home runs are merely icing on the cake."
We know that our acquisition of Cabrera is not without its detractors. Some point to Migui's recent DUI arrest, including his purported threats to kill the owner of a diner if he wasn't served, along with threats to blow the building up, and sure, some say he walked down the middle of a highway telling the police to "Fucking shoot him," but it's just that type of self-confidence and self-sacrifice that we'll need in our first PSAS baseball season. He is our Lethal Weapon.
In fact, when Mel Gibson first heard of Cabrera's recent arrest he sent him an autographed copy of Aplocalypto with the following inscription: "Only he who is unafraid to be sacrificed, will rise to one day have sacrifices made in his name, unless of course they're Jewish, in which case they'll make wonderful candles someday. Love, MG"
Cabrera, who begins his season today against the Yankees, couldn't be reached for comment, because he was reportedly watching Vincent D'Onofrio's final scene in Full Metal Jacket on repeat.