Coachable Wide Receiver: I want to buy you all dinner (on Dez Bryant)

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Roy Eugene Williams, actor, coach-able wide receiver, and humanitarian would like to buy you dinner after his two touchdown performance in last week's game. Dez Bryant will be paying. Roy Williams hopes this dinner reminds you how coach-able he is and how (even though he has a bye this week) he's still a PSAS free agent.

Report: Special Sunglasses Reveal Several Owners as Manipulative Aliens

Disturbing reports are circulating within the office of the Commissioner's Intelligence Gestapo that certain league officials and owners may belong to a secretive alien race. According to the report the aliens disguise themselves by means of a high frequency transmission carried by all television and radio broadcasts. A group of scientists discovered the frequency "quite by accident" and have collaborated with CIG officers to produce sunglasses which can counteract the transmission's mind-controlling effect. Unfortunately, a police raid destroyed the first shipment of the glasses. We can only hope that some patriot has escaped the police raid and will help to identify these freaks who apparently have penetrated every level of politics, military and even fantasy athletics.

Bubblegum and "kicking ass" reportedly help in combating the alien's mind control.

What is truly amazing is that the American people remain in complete ignorance of the Sword of Damocles that hangs by a hair over their heads. We can only hope that the staff of For Here too, the G0dz are Present will obtain some of these glasses in the next few weeks, identify those who "live while we sleep" and finally free us from the nightmarish alien thrall.

Jared Allen Vows to Double Down

Upset with his team's performance in the wake of an 0-2 start, Jared Allen has vowed to "double-down". After last weeks blow-out to JG's Pelican Brief, Allen tweeted:

Today's the day...
Today's the day I give sacrifice to Odin,
Today's the day I harken to the lamentations of my enemy's women
Today's the day I feast deep in a mead-hall stained with its owner's blood
Today's the day I double down

Pressed about his statements on Monday, Allen insisted that he was in pitching a new commercial for KFC's popular chicken, bacon and cheese sandwich. He added, "but it's entirely possible I'll kill someone on Sunday."

Letters to The Pelican Brief - Week 2

Each week--as part of a class assignment--school children from all over the nation write letters to The Pelican Brief about fantasy football and life in general. The Pelican Brief's President and GM, Shaun Boyle III, (when his schedule allows) answers the questions personally.

Dear The Pelican Brief,

I heard someone in your league had Jahvid Best on the bench this last week. Is this the first time that GM has played fantasy football?

Sincerely,

Christie Havard

Blacksburg, VA

Christie, thanks for writing me. Sadly this isn't the first time the above mentioned GM has played fantasy football. You may be surprised to learn that the same GM is actually the commissioner of our league. Seriously, I'm not joking. For all you readers out there who don't know--Jahvid Best had one of the best fantasy performances in week 2 in the history of fantasy football. Personally I think the 'commish' was flustered over the Kolb injury and that coupled with his inability to spend $$$ on Brandon Jackson indicates to me an overall lack of leadership.

Dear TPB,

What do you do to motivate your team each and every week?

Love,

Paul Kamuf

Providence, Rhode Island

Great question, Paul. I think being a winner is just part of who I am as a person. That confidence and determination rubs off on my team. Confidence aside--I think my scouting dept. is a huge part of the winning equation I've created at The Pelican Brief. A staff of 75 works around the clock...finding the right people and signing them to my team. When you put the right people in right place, you don't have to do much motivating. Everyone on my team has two goals in mind: pummeling the 'commish' in week 8 and winning a league championship. I just stand back and let the magic happen.

Dear The Pelican Brief,

Who are you targeting on the Waiver Wire this week?

Regards,

Chris Redmond

Manhattan, KS

Super awesome question. I have my eyes on one free agent. Starts with a "T" and ends with an "Olbert". I'm willing to spend $1337 on him too. I'm confident the 'commish' will still be shopping at the Dollar General for his free agents, so I'm pretty sure my bid will win.

--

Have a great week, kids. I'll talk to you next week.

Let's Hear it for the Best Division in PSAS!

"Pelican Coup" Endangers League

Troubling reports are circulating in the office of the Commissioner's Intelligence Gestapo (CIG) that the murder of former Oceanographic researcher and critic of BP's Gulf oil disaster Matthew Simmons may be linked to underhanded activities in the PSAS fantasy football league. Simmons' murder, previously reported as a British SIS hit, was originally thought to be retribution for his anti-BP statements. It now appears that this belief was entirely too naive.








Although Simmons was well known for his book Twilight in the Desert: The Coming Saudi Oil Shock and the World Economy, less well known were his controversial views on waiver policies, costly bidding wars, and the violence that is often the subterfuge of league moves and acquisitions. Simmons had long been a proponent of The Club of Rome, ostensibly a global NGO advocating sustainable practices but in actuality an semi-autonomous intelligence wing of the Jesuit Order.



Sources inside the Club have recently confirmed the existence of copies of an academic paper on the relations between global resource wars, economic crises and fantasy football. Agents within CIG have recently suggested that the "hit" came not from the oil industry, but from within the league itself. The chief team mentioned in this architecture of corruption? JG's Pelican Brief. The noble pelican, which according to Catholic symbolism feeds its chicks on its own blood, as Jesus feeds the faithful, nothing more than a crass irony to the power mad forces behind this team. Clearly in fear of his life, NFL President Roger Goddell said he had "no comment" as to suspicions that the collapse of Ryan Grant's ankle was an "inside job." Investigations of the unprecidented 750,000 PSAS reserve currency "put option" on replacement Brandon Jackson have been squelched before even reaching the ears of many Americans.

Most unfortunately in all of these events is that another great voice for freedom has been silenced in America with the killing of Matthew Simmons; a sad fact made even more intolerable as the majority of the American people continue to remain complacent while the appetite of the US elite classes to steal all they can is pushing them all towards eminent catastrophe.

Questions for Week 2

If Inez Sainz was mathematically obligated to like at least one of the Jets' 53 packages, as Clinton Portis has suggested, is there any chance she wouldn't choose Revis?




How long will BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng's hatred of the Giants prevent him from trading for a real quarterback?


That's all for now...

Thanatos and Hypnos

Man kindles a light for himself in the night-time, when he has died but is alive. The sleeper, vision-less, lights up from the dead; awake lights up from the sleeping.

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