PSAS Open Forum #occupyPR

Friday, August 31, 2012

ANNOUNCEMENT: Elliot Spitzer Joins the PSAS!

"BIG CITY, BRIGHT LIGHTS /
 
DARK DAYS, LONG NIGHTS /
 
THE BOUNTY'S BEEN STOLEN,
 
NOW IT'S TIME TO PAY THE PRICE"
 
 
THE SHERIFF OF WALL STREET IS BACK!
NOW, IN A NEW ROLE AS SHERIFF OF THE PSAS FOR 2012!
 
____ 
 
Elliot Spitzer, funded by anonymous donors, accepts the position as lead private investigator into the alleged wrongdoings of embattled Commissioner and Primordial Reserve Chief.  Work to commence immediately.  "After the cancellation of my show, Parker Spitzer, I was down on my luck.  But to my surprise, I was presented with a unique opportunity to do what I love best being a former prosecutor: putting wrongdoers in their place.  I accept my new position with vigor, and cannot wait to get started!"

CRIMESTOPPERS, Mr. Spitzer needs your help! if you have a tip, please contact Mr. Spitzer immediately!

BREAKING: BOMBSHELL ANNOUNCEMENT BY MIDNIGHT TONIGHT


Thursday, August 30, 2012

Preseason Rankings



1.) AEthernauts
-Preseason #1 for the second year running, the explorers return high flying WR1 Calvin Johnson, anchoring a powerful attack. If McCoy and Turner are both legit this year, and Andre Johnson returns as a WR1 of 2010 they've got the most powerful core-four in the game.  Durability questions surrounding Michael Vick shouldn't overshadow the fact that he's the cheapest potential QB1 in the game. We expect to see a couple good multi game streaks from the Ballooon crewe again this year.

2.)  SanFranciscoFerries
 -The Ferries return top scorers Newton and Cruz.  They'll feature an interesting running attack with explosive RB1 Charles returning from an ACL and un-sexy Greene, a plodder in a a conservative Jets scheme.  Stevie Johnson is a high-risk, high reward RB2, and Martin is an unknown with a starting job at flex.  If Torey Smith's learned to run routes he could very well move off the bench into a feature position for this club. Staying consistent may depend on how Cam rates with fewer designed runs at the goal line. 

3.) BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng
- the Heidigerrians switched up their strategy this year (Cowboys??)  picking up two consensus top 3 picks, both bell-cow RB1s in Rice (returning)  and Foster.  Returnee Fred Jackson rounds out a powerful ground attack.  All that talent on the ground leads to an aerial game with limited upside.  If the year of the QB becomes an era, BDT could be hobbled in the long term,   But they picked up plenty of youth on the bench - and you can bet that at least one of them is a bona fide threat by year's end.

4.) TakingTigerMountain
-After last year's championship run the commish failed to secure either of his high scoring Saints combo.  The resulting strategy leaves him with a plus QB2 in Stafford, a couple of gamble RB1s Peterson (injury) and Drew (hold-out), and mid-range WRs in Thomas, Maclin & Brown.  Don't expect Stafford-Pettigrew to replace Brees-Graham, but it extends Stafford's value a little.  There are big names across the board on IDP but those don't always translate year to year.  A couple of handcuffs and futures QB Luck could make for an interesting trade relationship if TTM starts to sputter early on. If Drew's holdout continues into the season expect a drastic downgrade coming for the Mountain.


5.) ThePelicanBrief
- the Grisham-ites paid a premium for the return of QB-god Rodgers and sometime OS WELKR.    Perenial injury-case Darren McFadden rounds out PB's top flight.  They'll look to Steve Smith to step up and Evan Royster to catch some of the Shanahan revolving door.  PB has a couple of intriguing bench pieces  including potential trade-bait RGIII and mid-season returnee Best.  If their core can stay healthy and they can keep the rest of their offense respectable through the wire, they should be contenders this year. 

6.) Pr1m0rdi4lLyfestylz®
- the Primordial Ones will run a powerful double titration with Brady and Gronkowski at the center of their attack. Murray looked posed to be a serious RB1 before injury last year, we'll see if the Cowboys' line can give him any help at all. Julio Jones could likewise be poised to enter elite WR1 status, if the Falcons can get something going. A couple of nifty handcuffs in Jennings and Tate give them some depth at RB.  This sleeping giant looks poised to storm around the league like days of yore.

7.) HomeSpunNeckBloodz
-last year's consolation winners and perennial quagmire, the Bloodz went up in and picked up two feature backs in Forte and Johnson.  As a result they'll hang their QB1 rating on however many games Peyton Manning can make it through.  With nobody backing up that threat of injury will likely be revisited each week.  Still, there's a lot to like about the Bloodz strategy with Harvin and Marshall in WR and Hernandez as a TE2 with good upside, their scoring wont evaporate if they have to go to the wire for a desperation QB.  With nice RB depth in Hightower and Ingram, they could be poised for a good playoff run if they can maintain focus through December.

8.)  GrossmanSachs
 -After last season's collapse the Sachs were bailed out by the reset, allowing them to reload along new lines.  They'll feature three high-upside WR1s in White, Austin and Fitzgerald.  There's always the chance that this is the season that Romo gets it together and joins the QB1 club, but his double-titration-potential with Austin make him a worthy even at QB2 status.  That said, they took a ground gamble picking oft injured Beanie Wells and aging Frank Gore to anchor their ground attack. Still with McGehee and Hillis on the bench, they have some depth to work with if injury should strike.  If wildcard TE Fred Davis can keep his place as RG3's top target this team could be headed for blue chip status overnight.

9.) Phat Girlz
-After a disappointing season last year the Girlz largely stayed out of the early super-bidding in this year's draft. They'll  feature a few below the radar bargains in un-loved winner Eli Manning, aging small-market superstar S-Jax, and injured Ryan Matthews.  If those pan out they have have enough firepower in Colston, Wallace and Graham to be serious contenders.  We'll see if they can put in the work and eek out a few wins before Matthews' return.

10.)  Cincinnati Dangles
-Last year's ROY, made a splash by bidding up QB1 Brees and winning.  His aerial attack also features potential elite pieces in Green and Jennings.  As a result there are question marks in ground production with Richardson and Green-Ellis both starting the season with injuries. Cobb could be a real sleeper on the bench, but this team likely needs upgrades on D/ST and IDP to compete deep into the season. 

11.) Tusken Raiders
-Draft absentees, the Star Wars franchise will have their work cut out for them to contend this year.   Still there are the bones of a team here. 2 QB2s in Rivers and Ryan.  A couple of risky WRs with upside (Bowe, Lloyd). And RB2 running fodder in Bradshaw and Bush.   There's something for the Raiders to work with here, but they'll need some un-expected greatness to return to top-flight scoring potential week-to-week.

12.) Trichotillomaniacs
 -the autodraft did the Far East no favors this year and sees them sporting an underachieving lot.  Led by slab of beef R-burger at QB the Easterners will contend with a mess of late round Yahoo-favored problem children like Shanahan-cursed Helu and dinged up Kenny Britt.  There's legitimate upside here with Jordy Nelson and Dez Bryant, and Jonathan Stewart (if Newton's emergence means more goal-line work), but the Hair-Pullers will need to win several coups on the waiver wire to field a playoff team this year. 

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

General Far East to Demand League Set Rules for Next Season … Now!!



Trichotillomaniacs General Manager General Far East, in rare public statement, urged the league to set the off-season rule changes, including keeper issues and budget resets, at least a year in advance to allow teams to prepare for the future. 

“Committed we are to PSAS, and look forward we do to ever lasting relationship with each member of the league.  Our goal is always to bring the championship to the Far East.  Obviously we cannot achieve this every year.  Sometimes wait we must, as a seed in the winter time does.  Maybe this year we may have to wait.  Or maybe we can try to win.  Gives us options it will if we know in advance what the rules are going to be,” the General explained in his Yoda accent.  “Sucks it does to not know when an error you make is going to cost you three seasons”, he added, referring to the team’s accountant mistaking two digits in an waiver transaction in 2010 that put the team in a financial hole for more than two full seasons. 

Asked about the budged reset that took effect this pre-season, the General said “[g]reat it is for our team.  But missed the draft we did.  Don’t know which we like better.  Very creative we must be through the waiver wires.”

In other notes from the Far East:
-       the team is yet to announce it’s head coach for the season.  For the Trichotillomaniacs, the head coach usually sets up the starting roster each week while General Far East makes all roster moves, including that of the coaches.  Last season’s head coach Lao Tzu can still come back to manage the roster, or the General can absorb the responsibility himself, although historically the team has liked having a head coach.  Confucius’s name has also surfaced, as always.
-       asked about the draft, the general expressed his disappointment in not being able to participate in the first ever PSAS auction draft.  “Missed it we did, it that is.  Participated in several mock drafts we did, and had fun we did” the General commented.  “Excited we are about the roster that was given to us.  No one was on our famously short draft board, but we also like the potential many of the guys have,” the General added. 
  
--Osamu Akutagawa (Tokyo_Kyodo Press):




Wednesday, August 15, 2012

BREAKING: WOPR Upgrades to "Hot Cheetos and Takis" OS in Wake of SCOTUS Ruling

"I go by the name of Dang Jones..."



Shortly after the Supreme Court handed down its controversial decision, WOPR (current GM of The Pelican Brief) released a short statement detailing WOPR's upgrade to the experimental "Hot Cheetos and Takis" OS in preparation for the draft next week.  Originally developed by DARPA as a ICBM guidance system, the HCT OS is considered by many to be the end game in Dynasty leagues.

WOPR's Statement:

9:07AM - EST: HCT OS v1 installation commenced
9:08AM - EST: HCT OS v1 installation completed
9:09AM - EST: Terminal message: inquiry::where my H-O-T Cheetos at::

Shaun Boyle, current owner of The Pelican Brief, could not be reached for comment.



Like Windows 95, HCT comes pre-installed with a free music video.  Enjoy:



Tuesday, August 14, 2012

***Breaking SCOTUS Upholds Dynasty League Plan - Teams to be Reset

Breaking news out of Washington as sources named as clerks for the Supreme Court announce that the SCOTUS will uphold controversial plans for a dynasty league but require all teams to submit to a full auction draft in less than a week's time.  Watchers of the court were taken by surprise in what many had billed to be an ideological party line vote pitting Ephesian Fluxists against Eleatic Stasis-ites.  Early reports suggest that justice Sotomayor joined with a radical members from both sides to form"Primordialist" block on the issue of player agency, which will controversially require the releasing of all current players - who will then be drafted during the competitive market of the auction draft and inked to multi-year "contracts.    The decision will doubtless make this the most important league draft ever, and has scouting departments scrambling with less than a week until draft day.

Financial Reserve Chairman Hermodorus has reportedly called an emergency Jekyll Island session of his inner circle to discus what  reaction monetary policy would take to  this startling development in the courts.  Reached on vacation in the Poconos the Commissioner expressed regret saying "of course, we're disappointed that the franchise players won't be returning for another season, but the death of fire is the birth of air, and the death of air is the birth of water."
 

The fate of key provisions of the dynasty proposal - such as the potential expansion of bench spots, the number of players carried over and the fate of annual salary cap negotiations remains unclear in early briefs. Opponents of the Commissioner had already begun circling their wagons as of press time, calling the decision the "end of the league" and vowing to "oppose dynasty by all legislative means, including regime change."  

Friday, August 10, 2012

Off Season Report - Part 2

Now we know what the league's elect did with their summer breaks, what about the preterite, the unlucky, the oft injured, the up-and-coming, the consolation crewe.

Vickskennel.com
Where we left them - Sleeping through the majority of the year the Dawgs dropped the last six of the regular season.  Only to win 3 to pick up the consolation victory.  After having essentially the same ark last season, the rest of the league is lucky their 2nd half titrations were so bad, or they may well have repeated as champions.

What they did - As outrage over the Vick controversy begins to fade, the Dawgs management looked into a more Renaissance-Faire-based team name to inspire their fan base.

Where they'll be - training camp masters, they may look good now, but as the air gets crisp a young squire's thoughts turn to meade and bawdy wenches - not so much titration. 


Cincinnati Dangles 

Where we left them? - The expansion/transfer franchise was one of the more dangerous in the league, to nearly everyone's surprise.  They scored enough to be a playoff team, but fell on the wrong end of a few lopsided Sundays.

What they did? -  Bourbon, basketball, baby.

Where they'll be? - The second Father of the league shocked a lot of people last year, and they'll look to build on that and make a drive into the playoffs worthy of Wildcat Nation.


Trichs -

Where we left them  - maddeningly inconsistent, the Trichs couldn't get a good high-end going all season.

What they did - consulted Jamaican herbologist.

Where they'll be? - It's hard to count the hair-pullers out.  If they learn from the wisdom of the hills - they could be back to 2010 form.


Grossman Sachs - 

Where we left them - a good first half turned into a run on the bank as the Wall Street gang foundered, sold-short and took an executive parachute to the consolation games.

What they did - You know, algorithms, plague masque parties, that kind of thing.

Where they'll be - Solidly in the black.

Phat Girlz -

Where we left them - league absentees last year the PG franchise foundered to unthinkable lows after missing the draft.

What they did - purchased by the OWN network

Where they'll be - it's hard to keep a Phat Girl down.  We picture them moving on up to the front of the bus reinvigorated by November rhetoric.

#newbeginning - 

Where we left them  - starting the season as the Dethroned King. They suffered some crushing injuries in the first few weeks, seemingly abandoned the year, then returned with T3b0w at the helm for a dramatic if unlikely second half run at the playoffs.

What they did - last seen at a Civil War reenactment outside Jacksonville, it is speculated that the King may have been transported to Mars where his shirtless and increasingly fantastic adventures among the barbarous Martians led him to a princess in need of a savior...

Where they'll be - Wherever they are - they'll be beasting.  We just hope they're back in time for the draft.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Off Season Report

Last year was arguably the most exciting season of PSAS.  Great participation set the stage for some remarkable drama and high turnover in playoff teams.   But what's become of the top-half of our valiant contenders in their time off?  Let's take a look:

TakingTigerMountain -          
-Where we left them:  Be-laureled, praised by gods and men.

- What they did:  decided not to sleep for the next eighteen years or so.


-Where they'll be:  Nothing is certain.  Calls for the embattled comish to step down faded during the off-season.  But as yet he's made no public statement on sharing power.  It's easy to say that the Mountain has been worn down by responsibilities, but he's up at odd hours - always a fantasy wildcard.

BuildingDwellingThinking -
-Where we left them: crushed by untimely injuries.

- What they did?  The Heidiggerian GM fronted a popular commercial band for the Free Credit Score.com company.

-Where they'll be? the fantasy titrations of this squad have wandered in recent months as their baseball teams have been abandoned to negligence.  Then again, it's hard to count out a Texan in an election year.

SanFranciscoFerries -
- Where we left them?  A hot and cold season finished strong with a victory in the 3rd place game.


-What they did?  East Coasters can only guess at the hours of relaxation enjoyed by the Ferries after their move back to the Left Coast. We're envisioning sleeping on an outdoor couch, drinking microbrews, opening a medical marijuana dispensary, buying Facebook stock on the first day (one can hope).

Where they'll be?  Hard to say.  Is it possible for a place to agree with you too much?  If so, the Ferries may have to prove the haven't lost their edge coming out of the gate.  This is still a Brooklyn centered league and the auction draft, like the streets, can be a lonely, rapey place.



AEthernauts -

Where we left them:  the upwardly mobile explorers topped out in the second round of the playoffs.

What they did:  starred in a stage adaptation of Repo Man.

Where they'll be:  The Nauts have improved every year since their induction to the PSAS.  This time nothing less than the championship game will do.


Tusken Raiders - 

Where we left them: the Star Wars franchise was more prequel than O.G. down the stretch  last year.

What they did:  returned to Dagobah, completed training.

Where they'll be: When you go against the Empire, you go hard, or you don't go at all.





The Pelican Brief   
Where we left them:  Another early exit from the playoffs - another year of talent wasted.

What they did:   Considered changing name to King of Torts.

Where they'll be:  "This has got to be the year right?" - 2011



Friday, August 3, 2012

Summer Love

B34st1N
The league is renewed.  Like the great Flavian Amphitheater where sawdust is scattered over the old blood and crafty artisans tune the springs which throw exotic animals and pointy things suddenly into the midst of our sport - so our league, kept healthy and supple by the maintenance of care and the careful measurement of novelty. 

This year we will participate in an auction draft.  Those of you unfamiliar will need to acquaint yourselves with the inner workings if this devious and sinister method.