PSAS Open Forum #occupyPR

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Break Down: Game of the Century™


Passing - The top two fantasy QBs face off in a what should be a the title card of this event. Drew Brees torched the Giants last week for 36 points. When Aaron Rodgers gets the same Giants in the Medowlands in Week 13, will they have something to prove? If they did would it even matter? Rodgers could quit the season now and still be voted MVP. Brees has a chance to break Marino's single season passing record in the Saints' air first offense. This week Breesus draws the 7-4 Lions into the Superdome. Playing for their playoff lives, the Lions are sure to be lively, especially sporting a top five pass defense. But Suh, the Arm-Stomper's, absence puts a dent in their pass rush. Still it's a significantly tougher match-up for the Tigers' field general. If fans of the Mountain are looking for some solace, there's a chance Detroit might stay in the game and force Brees to pass till the end - but that's reaching a bit.

Advantage - Pelicans

Receiving - Wes Welker is the 2nd half of the Pelicans superior air attack. Facing hapless Indianapolis, he's all but assured of double digits, and smart money would have him pushing 20. He's been held under 10 just 3 times this year. Beneath that is a big question mark for the Pelicans. While Welker is a clear WR1, their second slot could be filled by a rotating cast of WR3 (Bennet, Moore, Cooper). All of whom are more a roll of the dice than an obvious start. The Tigers feature two lighting-in-a-bottle receivers. Stevie and VJax clearly both have WR1 talent. And after week 3 the rest of the league was in awe of the Tigers aerial draft picks. However, Rivers' wholesale collapse in San Diego and Stevie's mercurial personality have made the two hit-or-miss. Both draw tough opponents in Jacksonville and Tennessee. Although either one should keep pace with Welker on a good day, WW in Indy is the closest to a fantasy sure thing there is.

Advantage - Pelicans

Rushing - The Pelicans feature back Michael Turner draws a tough match-up with Houston and faced declining returns this time last year. Their second slot will be filled by either Jonathan Stewart (split time) or James Stark (dinged up). The Tigers feature no less than 5 RB2s any one of which might see a slot. Michael Bush will likely see another start against a brutal Miami front. Steven Jackson appears to be slowing and faces the toughest line in San Francisco. Tim Tebow's sidekick One Hand Willis faces a porous Vikings D and sports a run first philosophy. Resurgent Beanie put 200+ on the hapless Rams but faces a much tougher squad in Dallas. And the Amazing Helu is now Shanahan's "Starter" - that's the joke.

Advantage - Tigers

Tight End - Between them, these two squads have three of the top 6 at this position. The Tigers feature Jimmy Graham, the versatile sophomore and former basketball player who's been busy redefining the position by catching passes in space. He's also the other half of the Saints titration which has driven TTM to the playoffs this year. Jimmer is just south of 1000 yards receiving on the season and if he adds to his 8 TDs this year, the Mountain will be at the summit of their expectations. The Pelicans feature Antonio Gates, who may have lost a step to merely "good", but may also benefit from Rivers' downgrade and a Jacksonville squad that surrenders points to TEs. Their second and potential flex option is Cowboys veteran Jason Witten. Though with Austin back, the Cowboys won't lack for alternate options.

Advantage - PUSH

Kicking - The Tigers' kicker Rackers saw a bump in production last week as the Texans, a functional offense, lost their QB and backup for the season. More stalled drives could allow Rackers to show off his distance prowess, a hallmark of his career five years ago. The Texans will face a bend-but-don't-break Falcons squad that could show him multiple 40+ chances. The Pelicans foot Akers has already knocked down 6 50+ this year and 7 in the 40s. He's got the skill to compare with the best in the league, and a good situation with a great defense and a mediocre offense. However, facing St. Louis at home, he could easily see only PATs.

Advantage - PUSH

Defense/Special Teams -These two squads feature entirely different philosophies on the arcade position of fantasy football. The Pelicans will play mix-match with a medium-bad Patriots defense against the laughable Colts. We've seen teams get burned by this titration multiple times this year, but it's hard to see it happening this week. The Tigers will bring the Ravens shroud down over sputtering Cleveland. On points allowed and turnovers we'll put this about even, but if it comes down to sacks.

Advantage - Tigers

IDP - The Pelicans feature a brace of big stars including Woodson, Allen and Urlacher. Their jersey sales alone should float them to their projections. The Tigers play double titration with Suggs and Ngata. Last week showed us just how deadly that can be when the Ravens pass rush is effective.

Advantage - Pelicans
Miscellaneous - The Tigers' off the field distractions have been well-documented. As have their very public disputations with the league's gadfly, Grisham. Returning to the playoffs after a painful absence last year, they've never won this many games. In short they're not used to this kind of pressure, and who's to say if they've been titrating properly for late-season? Or if they even know how to do that kind of thing? The first match-up came during bye-weeks and dealt the Tigers their second loss. The Pelicans are celebrating their third straight trip to the playoffs, but the pressure is on to bring home a championship this year. With the playoff field deeper than ever, a first round game could easily mean a one way ticket to the golf course with best wishes for next year. Luck has been on the Tigers' side this year and if it comes down to chance then we like the Mountain.

W33k 13 P0w3r R4nk1ngs

Entering the final week of the regular season, five teams have seen the threads of their seasons cut by the Fates (those bitches), while four have already earned the Three's forbearance and will extend their seasons into the playoffs. Three teams--the Ferries, Raiders, and B4nk3rs--still technically lie in the pincers, but realistically Grossman would have to post a stratospheric score (with either the Ferries or the Raiders losing & low-balling like crazy) to make the playoffs, given that total fantasy points serve as the tiebreaker if any teams wind up tied on winning percentage. Aside from jockeying for seeds, the playoff picture is set.

Meanwhile, the Eleatic title, a first round bye, and the overall #1 seed in the tournament are still up for grabs--much of which will be determined by the GAME OF THE CENTURYTM, (about which more below), which promises to be the type of brutal & festive spectacle humans invented godz to witness.

12. Phat Girlz (1-11)

The Girlz tuned in last week and realized they had won a game, only to wind up on the wrong end of TTM's Brees-led blitzkrieg. With the 2011 season nearly in the books, PG must turn its attention to the consolation tourney and the battle for next year's #1 draft pick. After the Kennel's hands off championship and PG’s rough campaign this season, the importance of titrating early and well during the draft is crystal clear. We foresee last year’s divas making a return to form in 2012 as they set out for revenge after being miffed on Draft Day ’11.

Next Week – ‘Nauts – the Girlz’ improving form has the potential to sneak up on a Nauts team that will likely be without AP again, in a game with implications for determining the #1 overall seed in the PSAS tournament.

11. (3-9)

After a solid start, the reigning champs have dropped 5 straight and missed the playoffs, partly as a result of flagging production from workhorse Matt Forte (can you ever trust a Bear when the chips are down?), but also due to a couple of suspect trades that brought in the now-irrelevant Ryan Torain and the human scum that is DeSean Jackson at the expense of Mike Wallace and Ray Rice. There were signs of life this past week, though, with Hell’s Kennel putting up 100 points in a loss to the resurgent Raiders, a development that bodes well for their chances in a winnable consolation tournament.

Next Week – Ferries – the Kennel’s seed in the consolation tourney is set, so they’ll be playing for pride in this one.

10. Trichotillomaniacs (5-7)

One of a couple of teams to get bit this season by an underperforming star quarterback (as well as declines in performance from their keepers), the Trichs have struggled the past few weeks. No word yet on whether Lao Tzu will be given the reins to the team again next year after a season lacking in harmony, with a midseason ephedrine-abuse scandal adding to the Hair-pullers’ woes. In the meantime, the Trichs have made an intriguing move, seemingly planning for the future by stockpiling potential keepers who are currently on IR. Presuming the league sticks with its current keeper format, their strategy could pay dividends down the road.

Next Week – Grossman – the Trichs square off against the only team with a star QB more frustrating than Rivers in a game with the #1 seed in the consolation tourney on the line (also pending the Dangles’ result).

9. dETHRONED_kIng (4-7-1)

Tebowmania provided a spark of hope for the Ex-Royals midseason, but the former Florida star’s inspirational leadership and mastery of the option weren’t enough to carry them to the playoffs. With an undeniably talented starting roster, dk has all the weapons to take the consolation tourney—and next year’s first draft pick—by storm. Lately, the franchise has also demonstrated its irrepressible leadership instincts by proposing a relegation system inspired by European soccer. It still needs ironing out, but relegation could create a fascinating new wrinkle in the stretch run during future PSAS seasons. (Another possibility—a PSAS fantasy soccer spinoff?)

Next Week – Raiders – dk has a chance to end the regular season in style in a rivalry matchup against one of his former apartment-mates from the bad old days of Hypermodernity.

8. Cincinnati Dangles (5-7)

No team has suffered more abuse at the hands of the Fates this season than the Dangles, who have taken nearly everyone’s best shot to amass a whopping 1414 points against. They may have missed the playoffs, but they’ve put up a strong showing in the face of this season-long fusillade. Deservedly, the karmic wheel took a spin in their favor in Week 12 and they picked up a solid win against the Deposed Ones. Meanwhile, it galls me to write that Kentucky is #1 in college hoops, and as of right now, Duke is losing by 17 to Ohio State--so in reality basketball, the Dangles are sitting pretty.

Next Week – BDT – the Dangles look to complete a season sweep of the Heideggerians (and potentially lock in the #1 seed in the consolation tourney, contingent on a Grossman loss).

7. GrossmanSachs (6-6)

The B4nk3rs have spent the latter half of the fantasy season wearing the albatross known as Michael Vick around their necks (among other issues), but are still technically alive in the playoff race. Unfortunately, as detailed above, the Raiders and/or Ferries would basically have to drop their entire rosters for Grossman to have a shot, so it looks like another near-miss this year despite their winnable Week 13 matchup against the Trichs. Eventually, Grossman will have to reassess its commitment to its Vick securities, but in the short-term it can still capture the #1 seed and a bye in the consolation tourney.

Next Week – Trichs – A victory here would give the Bankers a consolation bye, and with it an opportunity to regroup and devote more resources to hunting down rogue science experiment (and self-styled sexgod) Rex Grossman.

6. Tusken Raiders (7-5)

After reminding us not to underestimate the Sand People, the Raiders backed it up in Week 12, rebounding from a tough loss against an undertitrated ‘Nauts squad to bury the Kennel and all but seize a playoff spot. New England’s soft remaining schedule bodes well for the Raiders, with ample opportunities for Tom Brady to light up the fantasy scoreboard, and the emergence of Marshawn Lynch along with some favorable matchups for the perplexing CJ?K down the stretch should make them a force to be reckoned with in the playoffs. That sound you hear might be the Sand People just before they sneak up and club the PSAS in the head.

Next Week – dETHRONED_kIng – the Raiders will be looking to consolidate their gains in an end-of-season rivalry game against the unpredictable Ex-Royals, who are capable of putting up 140+ when all the pieces fall into place.

5. SanFranciscoFerries (7-5)

If the real-life Colts had responded to the loss of Peyton Manning with as much determination as the Ferries, they wouldn’t be winning the Andrew Luck sweepstakes right now. Cam Newton continues to pay dividends, and Victor Cruz’s big day negated Eli Manning in a Monday night thriller to end the ‘Nauts’ win streak at 9 and pave the way for a Ferries playoff appearance. With legitimate freak-of-nature Rob Gronkowski dialed into B34STM0D3, the Ferries look like they’re peaking at the right time (and they might not even need a newly healthy Andre Johnson—which is good, given that the Texans just called and hired me to play quarterback).

Next Week – – virtually assured of a playoff spot, the Ferries will try to shut down the Kennel and maintain their late season momentum.

4. AEthernauts (9-3)

It couldn’t last forever. The ‘Nauts’ fortunes finally took a dive as the Ferries put an end (for now) to their adventures above the ionosphere, halting their winning streak at 9. The chinks in their armor are indeed apparent, with Megatron coming back to earth, Bowe playing for the Chiefs, and Nelson part of the Rodgers roulette. But strong trends from Benson and Blount may keep the ‘Nauts’ championship hopes alive in the wake of AP’s injury. Especially if the Bad Boy Lions get back on track, the ‘Nauts are still capable of making a playoff run, and clinching a bye may have bought valuable time for Peterson to return to the lineup.

Next Week – Phat Girlz – the ‘Nauts will attempt to sail on and contend for the regular season championship (contingent on the outcome of PelicanBrief-TTM) by taking on the newly conscious Girlz.

3. ThePelicanBrief (8-4)

The league’s leading scorer until TTM’s massive victory over PG, the Dirty Birds notched a win over the B4nk3rs in Week 12 to clinch a playoff spot and set up this week’s titanic Eleatic clash. Riding the Rodgers gravy train, the Pelicans have been perfect in-division, racking up a 6-0 record against the Eleatic competition while taking the best shots of several Milesian squads (including the Raiders after the controversial Rivalry Week realignment). Even after seeing WOPR’s proposed trade for MJD vetoed by the Commissioner’s office, the Pelicans remain in the top tier of title contenders—their only worry at this point has to be that the Packers will sit Rodgers.

Next Week – TTM – GAME OF THE CENTURYTM – (see below)

2. BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nking (7-4-1)

Once again, BDT has displayed excellence in season-long Waiver Wire titration, rivaled only by the Ferries in the post-draft pickups department. DeMarco Murray, Laurent Robinson, Fred Davis, plus the trade for Rice and Wallace—BDT is playing multidimensional player-acquisition chess. The results of these moves and the experiments in Cowboys quadratitration: seven straight weeks of 100+ fantasy points—look for the Occupy PR movement to explode if BDT takes home the championship. After their 3rd straight win, Heidegger sez: “Suddenly I heard a single stroke of lightning. My thought was: Zeus.”

Next Week – Dangles – BDT will be out for payback after suffering a high-scoring loss to the Dangles in Week 9; with Dallas’s favorable matchup against the Cardinals, expect the Heideggerians’ high-scoring ways to continue

1. TakingTigerMountain (9-3)

The PSAS’s proud new papa’s karma was off the charts last week; as he welcomed his son into the world, TTM’s starting lineup posted 160 while its bench scored 71 in an insane festival of fantasy points (and LSU demolished Arkansas to boot). Brees led the way, with Wells and Graham not far behind. With the Saints’ passing attack looking like a well-oiled machine, the Brees-Graham combo will continue to be scary going forward—plus this franchise has great depth at running back. Toss in the fact that TTM has grabbed the total fantasy points lead, and it stands to reason that they’ve catapulted into the top spot in this week’s rankings.

Next Week – PelicanBrief – GAME OF THE CENTURYTM – #1 vs #2 in the Eleatic; Brees vs Rodgers; East Coast vs West Coast; Beast vs Bird; Brian Eno vs John Grisham; ok, maybe that last one’s a stretch, but the dialectical overload here is unbelievable. The Eleatic title and a playoff bye are on the line, along with a regular season championship and #1 overall seed (which TTM clinches with a win, or the Pelicans clinch with a win and a ‘Nauts loss). Throw in TTM’s recent veto of the attempted MJD trade, and this one has grudge match written all over it. May the best titrated franchise win.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Dreadlocks Playoff Analysis

Week 11 separated the clear from the turbid.  AE clinched division title with a win over Tusken while TTM tripped on Trichs and stumbled through to the playoff berth.  It gets pretty muddy after that.  Pelican and BDT helped put themselves in control of playoff spots with their respectable wins while Tusken and Gross stalled.  SFF and Trichs remain in contention with week 11 wins as Cincy and dTk fell off the cliff with their losses.  Nevertheless it’s a messy race to say the least.  Here is the analysis of the playoff picture, which should get a lot clearer after some key matches this week.   

Dancehall Locks:  Clinched Playoffs

AEthernauts (9-2) 1251.80pts; vs. SFF (6-5), Phatz (1-10)
With an impressive 9 game winning streak on its back, AE has clinched for the bye.  Week 12 game against SFF is important for the hopeful opponent.

TakingTigerMountain (8-3) 1280.80pts; vs. Phatz (1-10), PGB (7-4)
TTM is the favorite to capture the second bye spot with a week 12 matchup against Phatz.  It may still come down to the regular season finale against Pelican, especially now it seems that playing Phatz is not an automatic W.

Locksteady: needs to win one to clinch

ThePelicanBrief (7-4) 1331.60pts; vs. Gross (6-5), TTM (8-3)
Just needs one win for a playoff berth, and can still sneak in for the week 14 bye if they win out the rest of regular season.  Tough propositions either way, as they’re matched against playoff-hopeful Gross and new parent TTM.  Have one of the toughest remaining schedules but also a favorable total fantasy points.

BldgDW3LL1NGTh1nk1ng (6-4-1); vs. Trichs (5-6), Cincy (4-7)
Have a relatively favorable schedule and a very potent offense that gives BDT one of the top offenses.  Probably only need to win one of the remaining regular season games.  The one tie against dTk in week 4 is now looking more like a W as it gives them a notch above the possible tie-break at 7 wins. 

Natty Dread: two wins or at mercy of gods

SanFranciscoFerries (6-5) 1177.00; vs. AE (9-2), Vicks (3-8)
Do lead the bunch in fantasy points and may come out a winner of tie break with 7 wins, but remaining games against divisional leader AE and tricky Vicks won’t be a breeze through. 

Tusken Raiders (6-5) 1162.00; vs. Vicks (3-8), dTk (4-6-1)
Their remaining schedule is manageable plus the decent total fantasy points puts them in the driving seat of this playoff coaster. 

GrossmanSacks (6-5) 1109.8; vs. Pelican (7-4), Trichs (5-6)
Very tough game against Pelican followed by the match against the feisty Trichs, which may be the most intriguing dog fight of this very tough playoff race depending on the outcome in  week 12.  Weak total points may eventually be the killer for Gross.

Ragga: needs to win out and a little bit of Rub-A-Dub

Trichotillomaniacs (5-6) 1049.80; vs.. BDT (6-4-1), Gross (6-5)
Hasn’t scored a lot of points this season and two remaining games both against teams in the center of playoff race makes it a difficult challenge, but it can happen for the Hairpullers if they win out. 

dETHRONED_king (4-6-1) 1162.20; vs. Cincy (4-7), Tusken (6-5)
It’s a very long shot but there’s a scenario in which two or less of the four teams with six wins win only one game in the remaining regular season and dTk win out to make the playoff, because of their tie in week 4.  Relatively high total fantasy points make it a fascinating possibility.

Cincinnati Dangles (4-7) 1155.20; vs. dTk (4-6-1), BDT (6-4-1)
Hard to believe that none of the six-win teams manage a win, but that none of them face each other makes it a remote possibility for Cincy to slip in as the sixth seed.  Solid offensive production throughout the season at least gives them hope.  Unfortunately, both of their opponents are deep in the contention and it won’t be easy to win out.  Can be the biggest dance crasher if they do.

Rude Boy: Dance Crashers (3-8) 948.40; vs. Tusken (6-5), SFF (6-5)
Out of the race but two remaining games against both teams with six wins mean their performance for the next two weeks is crucial for many teams.

Phat Girlz (1-10) 956.60; vs. TTM (8-3), AE (9-2)
Has played the part in their big win over Gross in week 10, and can do some damage to the divisional race for the bye in week 12 against TTM.

BREAKING: MJD Trade Vetoed - JGPB Considering Cyber Attack on League Headquarters

BREAKING: The PSAS Commissioner has "suspended" the MJD for Jacquizz Rodgers trade (+ draft picks) pending an investigation in a unbelievable abuse of power for someone trying to be a role model to his newborn son. The trade is the first one to be vetoed in the history of the PSAS and seems to be a reactionary move by the commish who is desperately hanging onto a divisional lead with two games to play. Shaun Boyle--former JGPB GM and current president--has already proposed another trade to Monique and is awaiting acceptance. Team officials are also hopeful that the original trade is re-instated as there is absolutely no precedent for such a radical move.

When reached for comment, Shaun Boyle--former JGPB GM and current president--had this to say: "To say we're disappointed is an understatement. MJD was the last piece in the puzzle for our championship run. While I can't place all the blame on the commish as I think he's getting some bad advice from the PRN's just hard to think that he and his wife would bring a child into a world where something like this could take place. Definitely a dark time for the PSAS. I implore the commish to re-instate the trade."

BREAKING: Tiger Mountain Taken! Franchise poised for Trans-Generational Fantasy Dominance

Be the Ball
Kiss the Tiger

BREAKING: MJD 1.1.0 WOPR Update Slowed by League Office Servers/Meddling by PRN Chair

At approximately 5:30PM PST on 11/23, WOPR began downloading the MJD 1.1.0 software update shortly after Monique released the build to JGPB in exchange for the Jacquizz Rodgers backup utility program and a 2012 3rd round draft pick.

While the download is expected to last until 12am PST on 11/25, members of the JGPB office are already worried that the league office servers will be unable to handle the load.

Current JGPB President (and former GM) Shaun Boyle has also expressed fear that the PRN chairman will "pull the plug" on the trade by terminating all data connections to the league office. As of Thanksgiving morning, JGPB President (and former GM) Shaun Boyle has asked all front office employees to cancel holiday plans and gather at team headquarters to develop contingency plans as the league trade deadline approaches.

Light refreshments will be served.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Hunt for Rex Grossman

GrossmanSachs apologizes for the rogue actions of our CEO Rex Grossman, who recently tried to stage a PSAS coup. He acted outside the orders of his owners and against the interests of our multiglobal empire. While we are not exactly sure of Grossman's current location, we can assure you he is being pursued with the entirety of our vast resources. He will be brought to justice for his actions, and GrossmanSachs prays we get first crack at him.

Details of the incident are sketchy, but the last person to see the traitor was Prescott Bush IV, Grossman's hunting buddy and sex-spotter. Bush told GrossmanSachs agents that Grossman was "jubilant as fuck," when he first read about Jay Cutler's broken thumb from Chloe Kardashian's twitter feed. "He was prancing about the room, and remember he's completely covered in the hair of radiation victims, and he kept repeating, 'Rexoosh prootum rexish, rex unyen sexloosh,' just like that." Scholars are split on the origins and meaning of Grossman's words, but most agree they are of an ancient, dead language, and refer to a demonic G0dking, Rexoosh, and how sexy he is.

This thousand-year-old Mesopotamian clay sculpture, bears a popular Eurasian song, "Siccaj Riccaj" which could possibly have derived from the same phrase as Grossman's fateful mantra.

Bush was visibly shaken while recalling the details of the last time he saw Grossman. "He was shaking me, just kept shaking me, like I was a bottle of chocolate milk, and he looked through me like I was nothing, air. Then he found his iPhone, and did something with it, like, used it like a cauldron and he would drop things into the light and steam coming off it. He was putting some weird things in there too, man, like postage stamps, Cookie Crisp, toenails, tons of shit. Then his phone plays that Toby Keith song, 'How Do You Like Me Now?'. He's still mumbling and covered in hair remember, and then when the songs done, the phone shuts off and Rex looked at me, and then my mind's just white noise, next thing I know you guys bust in and wake me up, and ask me all these questions.

We at GrossmanSachs believe Rex Grossman was acting upon an improbable prophecy of the notorious ancient monster Rexoosh, the bringer of sex and death. Many early human tribes from around the world have variations on the sexdevil story, often involving the creature disguising his evil, seizing power, revealing his evil nature as the same force within everyone and destroying all humanity in a global baptism. Conspiracy theorists like to use Mr. Grossman's obviously fake name, as proof that he was "chosen" to play this role long ago, by forces we dare not speak of. This theory, known as the "King of Gross Men Theory," is gaining support on the web, but is dismissed by most experts.

This is a computer-generated rendering of Rexoosh, demon sexg0d, said to be sent to Earth to expose humanity's evil nature and be sexy.

We want to make it very clear, we don't believe Rex Grossman is the sexgod Rexoosh, and we don't think he has been sent here from a distant supercomputer to destroy humanity. We know he thinks that, and that is why we are leading the hunt to stop him from trying to carry out the prophecy in whatever way he is able.

GrossmanSachs respects the sovereignty of the commissioner, and lives only to serve his glory. We cannot be held accountable for the treasonous actions of our CEO, just as you cannot be held accountable for the actions of your G0dz. May we all band together to find Rex Grossman and bring him to justice, for if we don't, may G0dz have mercy on us all.

W33k 12 P0w3r R@nk1ng5

GrossmanSachs is honored to welcome the new member of the royal family. In reverence for Luke, Karyn, and young Daniel, we humbly sacrifice Chiefs Running Back, Dexter McCluster. May the G0dz bless you all.

In what has been a crazy week in the PSAS, replete with births, failed coups, manhunts, and a heaping plateful of Turkeyday Games, some comforting traditions would go a long way. We humbly will try to pick up where Petronius Aribiter left off, but his power rankings were pretty awesome, so expect a letdown.

GrossmanSachs is still reeling from our CEO going rogue and trying to overthrow the league, our only guess is that on the eve of the birth of the commissioner's son, Sexicus Rexicus realized he could never topple a multi-generational dynasty, so he cowardly tried to strike before The Tiger was strong enough to resist. This makes sense, because Rex always sided with the men who tried to woo Penelope while Odysseus was at sea, struggling to get back to his wife. The cowards mae their moves on Penelope before young Telemachus was old enough to fight them off. Because of all the turmoil in our subterranean offices, the board of directors has been having frequent consultations from our staff Astrologer, Sybil the Soothsayer. Sybil was nice enough to take some time out of her busy existence to help with the power rankings.

Sybil the Soothsayer's Week 12 Power Rankings:

12. Phat Girlz - (Week 8 Ranking 12) - Phat Girlz, you are Capricorn, known for their pragmatism, the goats always know where they stand. Though Monique was the last to know she got a W a couple weeks ago, clearly some of her players are finally clicking. She's now looking down on someone in the Total Points Scored, thanks to MJD going back to the same robotic beast of old. But the playoffs are out of the question, if the mob optz for relegation, that seems tough to avoid. But ever the pragmatist, Monique looks forward. With trade rumors swirling on a daily basis, there's no doubt the focus is on next year. A couple good trades (possibly for auction draft dollars?), and several thousand crunches should get the Girlz back in shape.

MATCHUP - Taking Tiger Mountain - "You come to me, four days after my son's birth, and you ask me, Don O'Hara, do you mind if I beat you this week? You don't even think to call me Godfather?! What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you'd come to me in friendship, then this scum that wounded your daughter (is that the plot of Precious?) would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you." Stirring words from the commish, that being said, unless the Bears D and Caleb Hanne equals a 20 point day for Robbie Gould, this is gonna be a tough one for the plus-size divas.

11. - (Week 8 ranking - 8) - Vickskennel, you are Virgo, known for overthinking and perfectionism. After an admittedly brilliant keeper titration (foolishly GrossmanSachs thought VK dropping Phillip Rivers would prove to be a mistake), Ray Rice, their second best asset was flipped into Matthew Stafford. Both are great fantasy scorers, but in a RB starved league (the genius behind their keeperz in the first place) the 2nd best RB in the league trumps the 5th best QB in the league. Turning Cedric Benson into Ryan Torrain helped build a championship-calibur team, in the AEthernauts. Will next year see a return to VK's dominant laissez-faire management policy? Say what you will about some of the week to week titrations, the doglovers really know how to draft. The playoffs aren't out of the picture, but a 4-loss streak makes avoiding relegation both through lobbying and performance the top priority.

MATCHUP - Tusken Raiders - This looks like a winnable game for the Veteranarians, but they'll need a Turkey-leg worthy performance out of the Staff Infection, and who knows what Forte's performance will be with Caleb Hanne at the helm.

10. dETHRONED_kING - (Week 8 Ranking 10) - Throneless One, you are Gemini, witty and lively, but also tense, cunning, and inconsistent. A team capable of putting up 120 or 80 on any given week, it's been a strange year for those without kingly cushions. The Tebow acquisition still looks crafty, though not seismic. He will run for a touchdown and 50 yards every week, (HEY THAT'S 11 POINTS JUST FROM RUNNING!!!) but he will throw for 70 yards and a pick (HEY THAT'S 0 POINTS JUST FROM PASSING!!!). While the forcepped warrior is clearly your team's leader, it's a little unclear who his second in command is. Ryan Matthews should be a reliable go-to, and most weeks he is, but the Bears broke his will, and who knows what's left. The rumors of Tebow trying to get a fifth year of eligibility to play for Urban Meyer at The Ohio State University can't sit well with Lord Elway, but, like we said, don't be surprised if they hang 115 on the Dangles, and create some much needed distance from their own proposed relegation line.

MATCHUP - Dangles - Projections seem to favor the hanging cats. But he who bets against Tebow would not be Tebow's friend because betting is for Satan. From what I've heard from every CBS announcer, if you're not friends with Tim Tebow, you don't have much of a chance in life. This one may come down to who Aaron Rodgers feels like throwing TDs to on Turkeyday, Jermichael Finley or Greg Jennings?

9. Cincinnati Dangles - (Week 8 Ranking 11) - Dangles, you are Eyore. Though not techincally a member of the Zodiac family, no other animal is a better Dangler. It seems no matter how much everyone likes you, and how well prepared you are for any unfortunate situation (including inheriting a team in a tough spot), that raincloud seems to find you. Take solace in your growing family and another strong Cats team, better days are ahead. I'm going on record right now and saying the Dangles win the consolation tourney. Nobody wants to take on the pesky hangers right now. Your perserverance is appreciated. Courage, Eyore, courage!

MATCHUP - Throneless - This looks to be a good matchup, but the beasts seem to reside in Georgia not Florida. McCoy, Tolbert, and Jennings could combine for 50, add in Matty Ice's (WORST NICKNAME IN SPORTS) day-in-day-out 14 points and the Dangles are mid-60's right there. Unless Tebow ascends I think this one goes to the Fudgecats.

8. Trichotillomaniacs - (Week 8 Ranking 9) - Trichs, you are Aquarias, the water-bearer, like your Zodiac peer you are eccentric and original, but also detached. Famous for their risk taking, Aquarians aren't afraid to shake things up, much like the Clinton Portis benching lit a fire under the hairpullers and seemed to save Lao Tsu's job. This is a big week for you, as it is for all the teams with fives and sixes in their records. Don't be afraid to be bold with you picks, but also make sure you say hello once in a while too.

MATCHUP - B3@5t1NGDw3ll1NGTh1NK1NG - Holy crap I just looked at the projections. Um, I dunno, don't look too good, but that's why they play the games right? The problem with fantasy though, it's hard to imagine all the BDT players getting struck by lightning in 10 different cities. Still, fortune favors the bold, and nothing is more bold than a hypothetical playcall of Josh Freeman throwing to Eric Decker.

7. GrossmanSachs - (Week 8 Ranking Tied for 6th) - GrossmanSachs, you are Cancer. Your overemotional, touchy nature, is the only explanation for the tailspin you've entered after losing to Phat Girlz. So Mike Vick and Jahvid Best will never play football again, so Rashard Mendenhal's tr00th1ng means Dan Rooney gives all his touchdowns to Isaac Redman, so the Jets suck and you have 3 of their players, GET OVER IT! This is the PSAS DAGGUMMIT! You wanna cry, you whiny little crab, go play Candyland. Carson Palmer's not terrible, AJ Green is back from injury this week, so chin up, noble B@nk3rz, there's money to be made.

"I hear you're looking for Candyland, bitch."

MATCHUP - Pelican Brief - Will Vick play? Who should start from the pu pu platter of Sidney Rice, Santonio Holmes, and Plex? Does any of that shit even matter if Aaron Rodgers scores 35 and Welker has 23? Probably not, but the B@nk3rz need a win, and they are only playing Boldin on the bank holiday, so they have a puncher's chance.

6. Tusken Raiders (Week 8 Ranking Tied for 4th) - Tusketh, you are Libra. Easygoing and peaceable, it's hard to get on the bad side of the Raiders. While also known for their indecisiveness, it's clear that they are just double-checking the scales before making any decisions. This explains holding onto Mike Vrabel to make sure the Patriots couldn't throw him Touchdowns while he is the Buckeyes Linebackers Coach. The team has been slowed since the injury/final appeasement to gravity of Run DMC. If he's healthy, they are as tough as anyone in this league, without him, they are merely good. Chris Johnson seems to be interested in playing football again, so that bodes well. Will the Tuskans raid the playoffs with a stacked healthy roster? Or will they dominate the consolation round like last year? This week will tell us a lot.

MATCHUP - VicksKennel - Vix has a decent projection this week, which means they are TurkeyDangerous. Matt Stafford will probably put up some huge numbers against Green Bay's offensive defense. What may turn the tides, though, would be a B3@stly performance from the OG B3@5tm0d3r, Marshawn Lynch.

5. SanFranciscoFerries - (Week 8 Ranking Tied for 6th) - SFFerries, you are Pisces, imaginative, and Selfless, but also escapist, idealist, and easily-led. The Ferries were a force to be reckoned with when they resided in Brooklyn, the early pickup of Cam Newton seemed like it would haunt fellow PSASers for years to come. But Cam has fallen back to Earth and the Ferries have headed for greener pastures. Is it possible the distance from the Brooklyn contingent has softened the edge of the Sailors? Was their recruitment by The Pelican Brief like that of Lebron being wooed into irrelevance by Wade? Either way there's still a lot of firepower in that armada. Cam is Cam and always will be, the Gronk is putting up all-time TE fantasy numbers, and Andre Johnson may return to his old form. The pickup of Kevin Smith could pay off big time, and GrossmanSachs wished they had consulted me, Sybil the Soothsayer sooner, because then maybe they would have made a better bid for his services.

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK - AEthernauts - Get your popcorn ready, this looks like a streetfight. Two successful franchises within a handful of points of each other, one fighting for a number one overall seed and looking unbeatable, the other once looked just as deadly, but now is in the middle of a fight for the playoffs. Who will take home the crown? Who's cuisine will reign supreme?

4. The Pelican Brief - (Week 8 Ranking 1) - Pelican Brief, you are Taurus. Known for it's strength and refusal to acquiesce, the bull is perfect example of the choice to hand over full control of the team to WOPR after the draft, and the bullheaded Dirtybirds haven't looked back. The top 4 teams in the rankings are all looking like title contenders right now, and it's hard to think of the top scoring team in the league as number 4, but Sybil knows a few things you may not. Most importantly, Aaron Rodgers will quit playing football tomorrow to pursue a career as Jake Gyllenhal's stunt double. This will prove to be a devastating blow to the oily feathered, and it's hard to imagine them dominating as they have in the past without their bearded leader. Still, though, the bull charges on.

MATCHUP - GrossmanSachs - The birds look to be in good shape in the projections, but again, few projections know about Aaron Rodgers immediate future. Also, will Worldwide Wes be able to further embarrass Dream Team Corner Asomediocre? Their matchup could prove key. Also, um, will Vick play, anyone know? These tea leaves don't work for secret agents.

3. TakingTigerMountain - (Week 8 Rank 4) - TTM, you are Aries, intrepid and aggressive, natural leaders who tell people what they don't want to hear. You boldy put the success of your team on the success of your team, and the Saints ain't letting you down. Will new duties make optimal titrations more difficult in the coming weeks, or will the new generation drive you to greatness, willing your son to have nothing but a champion for a father? This ranking seems too low, and for that we apologize, but there will be no ties, and Vix gave too much to BDT for them to bow down to anyone but the streaking AEtherbreathers. The Cajun Sensations are back on the field this week, and the projections show it, as goes the Gumbo so go the Tigers.

MATCHUP - Phat Girlz - It's getting late, do I really have to write about this? I'm putting all my cards on the reverse jinx, saying there's ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THE W-STRING DIVAS TAKE TIGER MOUNTAIN. Sorry, TTM, the division race ain't quite over, and I'll take any top level losses I can.

2. B3@5T1NGDW3LL1NGTH1NK1NG - (Week 8 Ranking 3) - BDT, you are Scorpio. Determined, Forceful, Powerful, Jealous, Compulsive, Obsessive, Secretive and Obstinate, Scorpios are the great investigators of the Zodiac. Seems pretty apt for the man behind the curtain. The death of Fred Jackson makes me reconsider putting the Hidegerians in this spot over TTM, but the G0dz still like what they see dwelling in that lineup. Demarco Murray may be the pickup of the year (which seemed impossible because of Cam Newton, but it's now debatable and the playoffs may decide a winner there). The trading deadline can't come quick enough for the rest of the league the way BDT keepz picking up thoroughbreds.

MATCHUP - TRICHS - This is really a must-win for both franchises, and bad newz for Trichs, it looks about as one-sided as some of these trades. We already discussed the 10 city lightning scenario, right? Well, let's see then, um, nope, can't think of anything. This one seems like a snoozer.

1. AEthernauts - (Week 8 Ranking 2) - AEthernauts, you are Leo, the Lion, okay? Warm-hearted, stoic, and whatever-the-hell else, but also pompous and patronizing. We get it, you're on a roll, calm down, dude. You don't have to keep roaring, alright? Take a week off, rest those starters, maybe let someone else hold Zeus's lightning bolt for a while. I see chinks in the armor, though. Eli at QB must keep you up at night, also having a Frenchman at running back (Le Garre Blun) can't keep you in Zeus's favor forever. Calvin Johnson has debeasted a bit as of late, and Jordy Nelson's numbers will drop off after Aaron Rodgers spends the rest of his life stuntcocking Jake Gyllenhal's sex scenes with Maggie Gyllenhal, which for some reason America can't get enough of. Your days are numbered, AEthernauts, and nobody likes Duke.

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK - SFFerries - Heavy is the hand who holds the lightning bolt (not that GrossmanSachs would know). Will the debunked-medium explorers let up after clinching a playoff spot, or will they continue to go for the jugular a la the spygate Patriots? I feel like that team didn't win a superbowl, though... am I right? Didn't like, Eli Manning beat them or something? What? He has Eli Manning? Ah, this is bullshit.

There is no Sagittarius because as an Archer, we thought we were going to get a very valuable new member this week, but missed out on him by 29 minutes, so there will be no Philosophers in this group. What will we do without the Philosophers? You know who would know the answer to that question?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, merry titrations to all.

All Hail!


Monday, November 21, 2011

Cool D'etat

Rex Grossman officially nominates himself for the soon vacant post of PSAS Commissioner.

If chosen, Grossman promises the following:

1. Change you can believe in (and full allowance of all preposition-ended sentences on the league blog)

2. Weekly Power Rankings, which depending on Grossman's other charitable endeavors, may be rather succinct on some weeks, but will nevertheless let everyone know where they stand in the judgement of the almighty one.

3. A fully democratic process in addressing hot-button issues such as relegation, keepers, draft picks vs keeper status, and who will be welcomed into the PSAS fold in the lower division, when relegation inevitably passes.

4. Fully accountable CGG offerings, with continued diversification, there may even be streaming coverage of the spinning of Fortuna's Wheel each week to ensure transparency. We hit a bit of a snag this week with the projections changing, and that will have to be addressed. In the future, when bets are made, they are made at a certain projection that can easily be verified (especially with screengrabs).

5. A close working relationship with the Chairman of the PSAS Primordial Reserve, would yield proper quantitative easing, more jobs, and as little inflation as possible.

6. The proposal of an auction draft next year (which if approved would make draft order nearly irrelevant, and would therefore include a graduated draft budget similar to the draft order)

7. Next year's rivalry week will also be handled in an auction fashion. In the two weeks leading up to rivalry week, an opponent would be offered up (starting with the worst record) and a 48 hour blind auction would ensue with the highest bidding winning the right to play offered team (with the proceeds going either to the PSAS Reserve, or to the weak team that gets pimped out). After the first matchup bid is won, we proceed to the second worst record for the next 48 hours, and soforth.

8. We will not destroy you with our death ray (limited time only)

9. Grossman promises to figure out why this font is so damn big, regardless of the size he chooses in the post-editor.

10. As proof of his commitment to the league, Rex has chosen to kick off his campaign to run the league, rather than blogging Jackie Battle into B3@stm0d3 a la Jahvid Best (who is still suffering the brain-shaking side effects of B3@stm0d3). Thus, Grossman proves that the success of the league is more important to him than the success of his beloved B@nk3rz. Choose wisely, my children.

As you can see, Grossman has boldly taken the crown to coronate himself, while previous PSAS commissioners watch approvingly. (Click for more detail)

Thursday, November 17, 2011

BREAKING: PSAS Bottom-feeders on the Verge of Relegation???

What were once rumours dismissed as mere rubbish are now gaining steam: Will the bottom two PSAS teams be relegated to an as-yet-uncreated second “Championship” PSAS League? This would be a shocking yet exciting development as the PSAS moves forward to bring You the most compelling fantasy experience in the world.

The “Premiership” PSAS could move to 10 teams once this development takes effect, or add two more expansion teams. Obviously, a sizeable number of expansion teams would have to be added to ensure the viability of the “Championship” PSAS. Most do not see this as a problem given the immense demand to join the League. Teams from years past, like Skins all the way, and the Dodgers, could be brought back to the PSAS fold in the “Championship” League. In years to come the top two teams from the “Championship” PSAS would ascend to the “Premiership” PSAS, replacing the bottom two relegated teams. Relegation is universally regarded as a bitter embarrassment.

The Regular Season Champion from the Premiership and Championship would play during their playoff Bye-weeks in the prestigious FA Cup (Fantasy Association). The winner of the FA Cup would have immense bragging rights and fame. Winning the FA Cup is a tremendous honour.

The two leagues would have a symbiotic relationship, although they would be completely separate. Each League would hold separate drafts and operate in unique fashion. The PSAS blog would cover both leagues.

While critics argue that this move would water down the PSAS brand name, others believe the move could result in an excitingly fluid and experimental leadership structure, in which two commissioners would be free to enact different rules as they see fit. We see this as a largely positive development, given that many have been disappointed in the way the

Longhorn Network-dominated League has played out this year. The Longhorn Network, the commish and reserve chairman, has been seen by many to serve its own self-interests at the expense of other smaller market teams.

Others see expansion differently, believing the move to be a necessary step in order to preserve the prestige of the PSAS. For instance, many are disappointed and embarrassed by the defiant behaviour of the once-great Phat Girlz, as they continue their gluttonous descent into bloated mediocrity. Others see the “Championship” as a way to deal with certain fiscally irresponsible teams like JGPB, who could become the PSAS version of Leeds United. Sides in the Championship would have to prove their worth by securing a top two finish, in order to enjoy the privilege of competing in the first division of the PSAS.

Was this the revelation contained in the hugely mysterious Fourth Southern Dispatch that was sacked on the 11th hour by the Black Helicopter? No one knows.