PSAS Week 1 2017 - League Dystopia Edition

Welcome to the 2017 season, gents. I'm hoping to post picks for each week's slate of PSAS contests here at least semi-regularly. For this week, though, I'm eschewing picks in favor of franchise profiles, and as tribute to the steadily advancing dystopia that surrounds us, these profiles will answer the burning question: which dystopian movie reboot is your franchise?

But before getting to it, a shout out to the Ferries for last year's championship victory over the Trichs and a stellar postseason run. And to BDT for winning the 2007 Patriots Award for a dominant regular season that ended in heartbreak.

Now, without further ado....

Nauts vs. Trichs

Nauts dystopian reboot: “Blade Runner” - David Johnson is a replicant (incept date: May 30, 2015) designed for four years of maximum-intensity rushing and receiving duties, after which he’ll die. Along with fellow replicants Christian McCaffrey and Kareem Hunt, he sets off to find his maker and demand more life. In a crowd-pleasing scene late in the movie, Johnson beats Roger Goodell in chess before gouging out Goodell’s eyes with his thumbs.

Trichs dystopian reboot: “RoboCop” – after top quarterback prospect Andrew Luck is murdered by his general manager and coach, his intact body parts are melded with a robot exoskeleton. RoboLuck returns to the field midseason only to realize that his new GM is a just a different breed of ass clown who wears sandals to work and hired an ex-military grifter as a “draft consultant”. Somewhere in RoboLuck’s cyberbrain, he wonders why he didn’t just become a lawyer.

TTM vs. BDT

TTM dystopian reboot: “12 Monkeys” – DeAndre Hopkins lives in a post-pandemic future. In hopes of eventually rewriting history to save billions of lives lost in the pandemic, Hopkins’ employers send him back in time to investigate the origins of the virus. His only clue is the name of the terrorist organization responsible: the “12 Osweilers.”

BDT dystopian reboot: “Escape from New York” – in a future NFL, Marshawn Lynch refuses to speak at a press conference and faces a thousand year sentence in a walled off New York City, which now serves as a federal prison for the entire U.S. But the authorities offer to commute his sentence if he agrees to infiltrate New York on a mission to rescue a kidnapped Peyton Manning. After locating Manning, Lynch threatens to let him die unless the NFL tacks a lifetime supply of Skittles onto his deal.

Hanging w Mr H vs. Ferries

Hanging w Mr H dystopian reboot: “The Fifth Element” – Odell Beckham, Jr. reprises Chris Tucker’s role of a motormouthed, high camp TV variety show host in the 23^rd century. Improbably, OBJ gets roped into a quest to save an elemental, scantily clad, born-sexy-yesterday life force who is somehow necessary to save the universe from both a cosmic ball of misanthropy and Gary Oldman’s hardon for descruction.

Ferries dystopian reboot: “Soylent Green” – Russell Wilson unveils a new 4,800 calorie, nine meals per day diet, which quickly goes viral. But when a Seattle detective investigates the murder of Pete Carroll at Seahawks training camp, he discovers a horrible secret: the “Eight oz. protein (equivalent of two chicken breasts)” that Wilson eats actually consists of players cut from the Seahawks’ practice squad. 

psych dog vs. Dijonnaise

psych dog dystopian reboot: (going off script with a song here) “Diamond Dogs” – in a future U.S., year unspecified, Ezekiel Elliott is pulled out of an oxygen tent and into a nightmarish reality full of ten-inch stumps, silicon humps, and other weirdnesses—including LeSean McCoy, who lives on top of the Chase Manhattan building, throwing parties for “women who are 21 years old or older, have a photo ID and sign a confidentiality agreement.”

Dijonnaise dystopian reboot: “The Matrix” – Aaron Rodgers learns that “football” is a virtual reality/false consciousness fed to NFL players by nefarious robot overlords and awakens to his true identity as The One. In practice, this means that he transcends time and space and averages six Hail Marys and 40 fantasy points per game. As in the original “Matrix,” the “mind makes it real,” so all those concussion side effects are still there after he swallows the red pill.

Bloodz vs. Polk High

Bloodz dystopian reboot: “Waterworld” – in the world of the future, unchecked climate change has left 99.9999999% of the planet underwater. Leonard Fournette (whose hometown was one of the first major cities to submerge) is a mysterious loner who drinks his own filtered piss and must deliver a sacred football to one of the last remaining havens of dry land. Jameis Winston removes the PR concealer from his scumbag side to play the Dennis Hopper role.

Polk High dystopian reboot: “Snowpiercer” – After the climate change holocaust, the remains of humanity circle the globe in a high-speed train stratified by class. Ben Roethlisberger is the lower class insurrectionary from the squalid rear section of the train who leads a revolt against the elites in the front; in a chilling reveal [SPOILER ALERT], we learn that he ate other people to survive during his rookie season on the train.

Girlz vs. Pelicans

Girlz dystopian reboot: “The Terminator” – Matt Ryan is a rebel fighter in a dystopia where an artificial intelligence known as PatriotNet and its robot army rule the NFL. Ryan travels back in time in an attempt to prevent the Super Bowl loss that resulted in the final victory of PatriotNet over humanity, only to get stuck in a time loop where he bangs Tom Brady’s mom and thus fathers humanity’s betrayer.

Pelicans dystopian reboot: “The Running Man” – Cam Newton plays the Yaphet Kotto role and Gronk stars in the Schwarzenegger role. Gronk reveals heretofore unseen depths as he begins to awaken and rebel against the Powers That Be in a society that watches people kill each other for sport. In the movie’s climactic scene he puts Joe Buck on a rocket sled that shoots into an electronic Fox billboard and explodes.