Somehow a decade has passed since the 2008 financial crisis, and the past couple of weeks have seen a wave of retrospectives on the event that tilled the ground for our current reality-TV presidency. But the current PSAS administration prefers to look forward, not backward, so this week we're exploring some exotic new financial instruments that franchises can invest in. Don't worry, we've learned from past mistakes; we fired all our quants and reached out to Nancy Reagan's astrologer through a medium. She assures us that nothing could go wrong.
Nauts vs. GrossmanSachs: Payday loans for infants
We all know where things are heading. As Gang of Four said, "One day old and I'm living on credit." With Gurley as the tip of the spear, the g0dbank should pile up points this Sunday like so much compound interest, while the Nauts struggle to keep up with their payments as Hunt loses out to Mahomes and OBJ languishes with Eli.
Mustards vs. TTM: "Purple drank" default swaps
The kidz have forsaken the Plateau Sigma that beckoned to robo-trippers of yore, turning instead to opiates, the signature drug of the epoch. TTM is old school, so expect Hopkins, McCaffery and company to ascend to a higher level and glide over a Mustards squad relying on perhaps-mortal versions of Brees and Brown.
Phat Girlz vs. psych dog: Fitbit life insurance policies - "The end in keeping with which the kind of means to be used is determined is also considered a cause." Translation: we saw how many donuts you ate and we're not paying out on your policy. The smart money says that Wentz, Thomas, and Kamara keep psych dog rolling as Mahomes comes back to Earth. And we mean "smart" in the "smart home" sense, so interpret that as you will.
Polk High vs. Pelicans: Nosferatucoin
A new cryptocurrency used to pay for pints of Patrick Mahomes's blood; a classified investigation points to WOPR as the server used for mining Nosferatucoin. As for the game - look for Rodgers and Gronk to carry the Pelicans to victory as the moribund Cardinals offense drags Johnson down into the muck.
BDT vs. Trichs: Water
Enjoy it before the whole world is ensnared in the plot to Chinatown. With BDT hoarding RBs like Nestle hoards H20, Ajayi's absence shouldn't stop the Dwellers' hot start. (Although if the Trichs' recent fishing exploits are a sign of karmic momentum, the godz may have other ideas.)
Blood Spinners vs. Ferries: Hipster nostalgia dessert CDOs
LA and San Francisco form a powerful California Axis of Hipster, and no hipster speculative bubble is riper to burst than overpriced nostalgia desserts (in Chicago there have been reports of ants on a log with chicken liver peanut butter mousse). Speaking of bubbles--will FitzMagic last one more week and carry Mike Evans and help the Cyclotron overcome Hyde's big night? Hmmm....
Picks record to date: 4-2
No comments:
Post a Comment