Graceful Champion

TRANSCRIPT OF PSAS CHAMPIONSHIP ACCEPTANCE SPEECH:

"First, I'd like to thank the one true God, whose name shall remain unspoken as well as my lord and savior, son of the Almighty, Jesus Christ."

"Now, I'd like to thank all those fans who supported me through the dark hours of trial and tribulation. We did it! When they doubted us you still believed. When they claimed we weren't invested you still believed. And when those with hate-filled hearts called for our banishment your steadfast belief was what prevailed. It was that unwavering faith that fortified our perseverance, leaving redemption as the only acceptable conclusion to a year marred by scandal and upheaval. Thank you."

"That is why it is with my fans in mind that I have decided to change my name. Henceforth we shall no longer be referred to as the corporate profiteering Vixkennel.com, but as the venerable Vixkennel.org. Yes, the Kennel applied for and received 501(c)3 status as a charitable organization. And it is with great relief that at the time of this announcement I can finally reveal the reason for our frugal spending this year. Half of the Kennel's unused Primordial Reserve notes from will be put to exclusive use on humanitarian endeavors. We've learned that there are issues far more important than the day-to-day titrations of fantasy football or dogfighting."

"The first order of (not for profit) business in the "dot-org" era will be expansion into the emerging markets with kennels opening up in select regions of Central and Western Africa. At these state-of-the-art facilities trained healthcare providers will work around the clock to administer VixVaxines to them little starving naked children. We all know children are our future and what better place to foster our future than in the cradle of our past. Once this pilot program has taken off we have been promised matching funds from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to open kennels in Southeast Asia as well as India and Pakistan."

"Eradicating human population, er, the pestilence that afflicts the human population is our number one goal for the offseason. That is why along with our worldwide circumcision initiative the VixVaxine program is of the utmost importance."

"In today's global village responsibility falls on all members of the community. Isolationism is no longer an option. We've come to realize that wasting electricity to kill useless dogs leads to extremely harmful CO2 emissions. From this day forward we will cease to endanger our Mother Earth when a dog tucks tail and pisses itself, but we shall give back by burying the scrawny mutt alive. This most carbon efficient method allows us to save our own energy while replenishing the soil with vital nutrients."


"To ring in the new year won't you please join us in a new era of giving. You can start as soon as now by purchasing a pair of these plush VixCarbonFootprint Slippers. Since trading in our com for an org all purchases are tax deductible and every penny (less operating costs) will go to the betterment of mankind... What? I was told that if it's not for profit I could make all the promotional statements I wanted... Well, you need to speak to my lawyer then."


"I apologize for that. It appears that there are still those out there who wish to sully our good name. Haven't we been through enough? I've repaid my debt to society and learned that the biggest rewards come not from personal gain, but from serving the greater good. The idea that I am somehow part of any nefarious organization, to me, is ludicrous. To all those who would support me I leave you with these words of caution. The stinging bite of defeat is one left by a fork-tongued and venom-filled mouth. Venom that seeps into a man's soul and warps it to darkness. To all those who question my sanctity I would like to remind you that I LOVE PUPPIES! Good luck next year! Thank you and God Bless!"

BREAKING: NEW CHAMPION CROWNED, QUESTIONS RAISED WHETHER VICKSKENNEL.COM IS ACTUALLY CRYPTO-ZIONIST FRONT ORGANIZATION

Reports are now circulating within the Milesian School that newly crowned PSAS Champion Vickskennel.com may actually be a crypto neo-Zionist front organization hellbent on ensuring that the ‘meek ’ inherit the PSAS for future seasons. The reports indicate that limping into the Playoffs at a substandard losing record (6-7) was in fact a ruse for the Kennel to identify themselves as the king of the lowly PSAS underclass, only to morph into a half-man/half-god juggernaut at just the right time to defeat the shocked and dismayed entrenched ruling elites. The Kennel’s ascension to godlike status was met with immense jubilation by their fans who felt vindicated for believing that everlasting faith could lead them to the Promised Land even when things looked at their worst. Beyond the physical resemblance, the hidden narrative obviously mimics the story of Jesus, the peasant son of a carpenter who rose to stardom by defeating local gentile rulers through a series of deft drafting (Matthew, Mark, Luke) and FA acquisitions (Mary Magdalene). Likewise, Vickskennel.com came from meager beginnings, namely being the lamest PSAS team of all time through their much-publicized apathy, before turning water into wine by defeating the powerful Int’l Necronauts, BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng, and Phat Girlz in consecutive weeks to take the elusive Title. What were once thought to be drunken ramblings or harmless non-sequiturs muttered by the Kennel over the course of the season, are now being interpreted as mystic parables foreshadowing the rise of ‘the forsaken ones’. For example, striking parallels have appeared between this infamous rant regarding NFL Network Thursday Night games, “You rape the players. You rape the fans. And now because you want to rape the cable companies you get to rape my fantasy football team as a bonus trickle down quickie rape... With Hatred, -Vixkennel.com” and the Pharisee and the Publican parable (Luke 18:9-14):

“Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, `God, I thank thee that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week, I give tithes of all that I get.' But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, `God, be merciful to me a sinner!' I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for every one who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

In addition, the Kennel’s statement during their One Shining Moment, “I could go down as the most hated champ in league history. I love it!” is now being seen as a veiled allusion to “Then the scribes and Pharisees who were from Jerusalem came to Jesus, saying, "Why do Your disciples transgress the tradition of the elders? For they do not wash their hands when they eat bread." He answered and said to them, "Why do you also transgress the commandment of God because of your tradition?” (Matt 15:1-3).

The Kennel have always postured themselves as League outsiders, but until now their plot to dominate the League had been a closely guarded secret by members of various cults and secret societies. Vickskennel’s plot began to unravel only due to an accident when a random elderly man was overheard murmuring, “You know, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it’s probably, you know . . . ” as Vickskennel was seen eating an all beef hot dog next to two Hasidic men on a cold night in March at Gray’s Papaya near Redd’s Tavern in Manhattan. A classified PSAS investigation soon commenced and quickly uncovered some disturbing details which are only now coming to light, such as the fact that Vickskennel always seems to have an “in” at posh apartments around Brooklyn, such as the one mere blocks away from luminary, Heath Ledger. To wit, it was discovered that the Kennel’s invisible hand had actually brokered the 27 Ten Eyck deal during the brief time in which four PSAS franchises lived with one another. True to form, the other apartment-mates were fed a fairy tale so absurd only gentiles would believe it, namely that the apartment was delivered “fairly” after drawing the One card during a game of UNO!

After months of searching through ancient maps, documents, and directories, the investigation also found that no Diosomukes of Ionia has ever existed on the record. In a disturbing turn, the investigation indicates that Diosomukes may actually be a fake name, gaelic in origin, based on well known Spanish Fort High School superstud offensive line recruit Reese Dismukes, currently committed to Auburn. Is the Kennel a distant relative to former PSAS member Garrett, as has been rumored in small circles for years? That much remains unclear.

However, the very name Vickskennel actually appears to be a hidden reference to the organization’s Zionist endgame strategy in which the Kennel lets the dogs out on the rest of the League. According to Scripture, Dogs are messengers of God in that "dog" specifically and purposefully was selected through divine inspiration to communicate the full measure of God through the context of the 40 Scriptural references or citations in The Bible. Whether Hebrew (kelev), Greek (kuōn), or Aramaic (kalbā),whether literal, metaphorical, or allegorical in syntax, in the context of communicating God's word, dogs are messengers of God. For example:

Psalm 22:20
Deliver my life from the sword, my precious life from the power of the dogs

2 Kings 8:13
Hazael said, "How could your servant, a mere dog, accomplish such a feat?" "The LORD has shown me that you will become king of Aram," answered Elisha.

Judges 7:5
So Gideon took the men down to the water. There the LORD told him, "Separate those who lap the water with their tongues like a dog from those who kneel down to drink."

1 Samuel 17:43
He said to David, "Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?" And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.

What will become of the PSAS now that the League has gone to the dogs and Vickskennel sits at the perch overlooking the rest of the League, what a Kennel insider calls ‘God’s Country’? What will become of us now that dusk has finally descended on the Abendland on this Third and most vexatious of PSAS seasons? On the surface it appears the Kennel’s triumph gives other vapid and mediocre teams hope to achieve immortal success now that their Christ figure has crashed the party. However, things are rarely so simple or easily discernable by common thinking. In truth, Vickskennel’s victory portends a dark future that threatens the very existence of the PSAS and each of its member franchises, one marked by famine, pestilence, and even death.

Those blinded by faith or too consumed by cheap thrills on the waiver wire will surely remain blissfully unaware of what lies in store for the PSAS, but Vickskennel’s victory signifies that the Era of the Great Holy War is now finally upon us, as was predicted long ago. Vickskennel will lead the throngs of the lowest among us against the dominant elite in a series of inquisitions with nothing short of the future political order of the PSAS at stake. The first salvos have already been fired by the Kennel by not spending one penny on Free Agents this season, destablising the entire Primordial Reserve economy. Paying Caesar what’s his, and God the rest, apparently means rebuking the entire financial order of the League so as to plant the seeds of the League’s destruction. This is financial warfare of the highest order, and a concerted plot to deprive the League of its much needed capital influx for future endeavors. Whereas the Primordial Reserve has heretofore employed a quantitative easing program to devalue the currency, and thereby making capital markets for efficient, the Kennel has obstinately employed the opposite strategy, whose trickle-down influence has caused other owners to protect their reserves out of fear. In essence, the Kennel has purposefully created a glut of liquidity, stultifying League initiatives to carry out essential governmental functions. That the Kennel does not recognize the legitimacy of the commissionership, PR Chairman, or the authority of the PSAS as such, is precisely the line that has been drawn in the sand and what threatens us all with dire consequences. Therefore, the time has come, as will be seen in the coming weeks and months, that each member franchise will have to choose whose authority they acknowledge and accept as just. Will League members seek refuge in their own futility by siding with the leader who exalts weakness, parity, and callous disregard for the very paved streets the Kennel trampled on en route to victory, or will the League seek continued illumination of the most primordial of ideas the League has been entrusted to protect? At this point, no one can say for sure as the League teeters precariously in the pincers.

Of course, the next Chapter in this saga has been pre-ordained since the Beginning. Somewhere, some place, there is someone already sharpening the nails that will be used in the Kennel’s Day of Reckoning outside the PSAS city walls near their Zion. There, the Kennel will have to make the lonely walk once again through the Via Dolorosa before meeting their fate high atop the mountain. However, it is not for the League to determine what legacy the Kennel leaves after their surprise PSAS Championship, nor to determine who will surround the Kennel on this Final Day in support. Rather, it is up to each and every one of you to decide whether the Kennel is, in fact, the Messiah, or just another rabble rouser lucky enough to challenge authority and win. Only then, once the words "E'lo-i, E'lo-i, la'ma sabach-tha'ni" are uttered, will we truly know who has forsaken whom.

Welcome to the PSAS Award Show! Introducing your host, Bob Knight!!

(rausing applause)

_______________

" If I were in charge I'd drug test all you sons of bitches, not just the athletes. "

Most Titrations in a Season:

BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng --> 68

2009. psych dog (62)

_______________

"A B.S. is just what it stands for. A M.S. is More of the Same. A PhD. Is

Piled Higher and Deeper."

Most Overspent on a Single Player

el mundo --> Brian Westbrook

_______________

"If you're a coach you're going to get your ass beat now and then"

Best Single Game for a Player

Grossman Sachs --? Mike Vick (Week 10 49 points)

________________

"All of us learn to write in second grade, and most of us go on to better
things."

Most Players Injured

Indianapolis Colts

_________________

If my reaction to the jeering from the stands on Tuesday night offended any
true Hoosier fans, I am deeply sorry and wish to apologize. I realize that
you have not always agreed with what I have done or said. I probably wouldn't agree with all you have said or did either

Best Free Agent Acquisition

Grossman Sachs --> Mike Vick; Silver Medal - BDT --> Peyton Hillis; Bronze Medal --> Brandon Lloyd Revenge of the Sith

______________

Greatest game of the Year

Week 7: EMP vs. Revenge 103.8-104

______________

"I've had all the challenges I need in my lifetime. I'd rather play against
a really bad team."

America's Team Award - team with greatest following

San Francisco Ferries

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*** MAJOR AWARDS ***

The reason we lost the game was you, it was your fault.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AWARD - Best Expansion Franchise

2009: Discerning Nostrils

2010: Grossman Sachs

COACH OF THE YEAR AWARD- Best consistent week-to-week titrations

2009: Sunset Park Mastifs

2010: Phat Girlz

GENERAL MANAGER OF THE YEAR AWARD- Most successful acquisitions post-Draft

2009: psych dog

2010: BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng

1. Peyton Hillis FA signing for $0 (***** stars)

2. Miles Austin - Pierre Thomas trade (**** stars)

3. Ryan Fitzpatrick/John Kitna QB titrations after Tony Romo injury (*** stars)

4. Innovator of "Triple-Titration Offense" Romo + Miles Austin + Felix Jones (**** stars)

and finally...

Awarded for team that most lies in the pincers of the polemos, on the edge of Being (in-der-Welt-Sein) over the course of an entire career, while demonstrating Sportsmanship and High Achievement

INT'L NECRONAUTS

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2nd Annual PSAS Awards Show

@9 pm EST

Join us as we toast Sunday's Championship Game and remember the year that was!

2009: BDT narrowly defeating Garrett for the Legacy Award for Titrative Excellence

ἀνθρώποις γίνεσθαι ὁκόσα θέλουσιν οὐκ ἄμεινον

"It is not better for men to get all they wish to get."

Good luck to the Vixkennel & PG in the playoffs!

-BDT, Chairman of the Primordial Reserve (Lifetime Appointment)

Championship Preview! Phat Girlz vs. Vickskennel.com!

Well, it's been a long road to get here, and the two teams could not have had more disparate paths, but we've finally arrived at the pinnacle of the season. Appropriately, we'll end with the #1 seed vs. the #6. The team that everybody expected to be here vs. the team that nobody did. These two squads last matched up in week 9 with a surprising victory for Vicks that kept them in the playoff race (118-67). Vicks would go on to lose three of their last four regular season games, to slink into the six seed, while Phat Girlz would win out in thundering fashion to take the top bye. Vicks will have to run the "upset countdown" gauntlet after beating the #3 Nauts and #2 BDT. PG will get the reverse after slipping by the #5 Pelicans last week. Phat Girlz spent nearly half of their cash picking up key free agents to win clutch games to ensure their bye, Vicks spent nothing and the vicissitudes of the season have turned some of their lumps of coal to diamonds. It's an unlikely mash-up! It's a Beauty and the Beast contest! It's the 2010 Pre-Socratic All Starz CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Location:

Redd's Tavern

Phat Girlz - The Girlz came perilously close to ending their season last week, but sneaked out the backdoor into the finals. 86.4 is a pretty low score for this team, as their main motor (MJD) sputtered, their flex fell off the boat entirely, and their team was jointly led by Schaub and Santana Moss. Not exactly the ringing semi-finals endorsement you'd hope for from the #1 seed. It drags their ppg down to 108.4. Still, this team's second trip to the finals is an exciting moment for the league, and there's every reason to think that they'll rebound to take this season from cradle to grave. MJD has a nice match-up against Washington, although the Jags have looked near pitiful on the ground the last two weeks. Roddy White will face a dinged up New Orleans secondary. And if Moreno can get healthy, he'll get plenty of touches against a good look in Houston. S.Moss looked as comfortable with Grossman as with McNabb and could be in for another big one. With the Steelers' D playing the Panthers they could be up for a 20 spot. If Moreno is as questionable as they say, look for PG to go to the well to secure this one. Phat Girlz are still the favorite to win this one, but they'll need to get everyone on the titration bus if they want to take this one downtown.

Vickskennel.com - Vicks put up 109 in week 15 and took out the #2 seed BDT, bringing them up to 97.6 ppg, nearly 11 points behind their opponents this week. Still, even the potential of their victory has rocked the league to the core, unleashing a brace of penetrating questions. Such as, how can a team that spent no money on free agents make it to the PSAS championship? How important is draft strategy? Does it matter if you go 1-4 during NFL bye weeks? Vicks does not have the high ceiling that PG does. They don't have their consistency. But they may have fortune on their side. Ray Rice and Jonathan Stewart have picked up the pace at just the right moment combining for 70 points over the last two weeks. If anybody thought there might have been a QB controversy in the finals between Philip Rivers and Tim Tebow, it certainly wasn't me. Everything seems to be falling the Kennel Klub's way. But will it hold? Rice will visit the Browns in Cleveland next week. Stewart run against the Steel Curtain. Vicks' hot-and-cold Jets will face the formidable Bears. And New Orleans' defense will face the high scoring Falcons. In their current formulation Yahoo projects them in the low 90s, against a 110 projection for PG. It should be interesting to see if the Kennel Klub decides to make a pick-up, or even set their line-up, or if they'll be content to be as laissez-faire about the championship as they have about the season.