Graceful Champion

TRANSCRIPT OF PSAS CHAMPIONSHIP ACCEPTANCE SPEECH:

"First, I'd like to thank the one true God, whose name shall remain unspoken as well as my lord and savior, son of the Almighty, Jesus Christ."

"Now, I'd like to thank all those fans who supported me through the dark hours of trial and tribulation. We did it! When they doubted us you still believed. When they claimed we weren't invested you still believed. And when those with hate-filled hearts called for our banishment your steadfast belief was what prevailed. It was that unwavering faith that fortified our perseverance, leaving redemption as the only acceptable conclusion to a year marred by scandal and upheaval. Thank you."

"That is why it is with my fans in mind that I have decided to change my name. Henceforth we shall no longer be referred to as the corporate profiteering Vixkennel.com, but as the venerable Vixkennel.org. Yes, the Kennel applied for and received 501(c)3 status as a charitable organization. And it is with great relief that at the time of this announcement I can finally reveal the reason for our frugal spending this year. Half of the Kennel's unused Primordial Reserve notes from will be put to exclusive use on humanitarian endeavors. We've learned that there are issues far more important than the day-to-day titrations of fantasy football or dogfighting."

"The first order of (not for profit) business in the "dot-org" era will be expansion into the emerging markets with kennels opening up in select regions of Central and Western Africa. At these state-of-the-art facilities trained healthcare providers will work around the clock to administer VixVaxines to them little starving naked children. We all know children are our future and what better place to foster our future than in the cradle of our past. Once this pilot program has taken off we have been promised matching funds from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to open kennels in Southeast Asia as well as India and Pakistan."

"Eradicating human population, er, the pestilence that afflicts the human population is our number one goal for the offseason. That is why along with our worldwide circumcision initiative the VixVaxine program is of the utmost importance."

"In today's global village responsibility falls on all members of the community. Isolationism is no longer an option. We've come to realize that wasting electricity to kill useless dogs leads to extremely harmful CO2 emissions. From this day forward we will cease to endanger our Mother Earth when a dog tucks tail and pisses itself, but we shall give back by burying the scrawny mutt alive. This most carbon efficient method allows us to save our own energy while replenishing the soil with vital nutrients."


"To ring in the new year won't you please join us in a new era of giving. You can start as soon as now by purchasing a pair of these plush VixCarbonFootprint Slippers. Since trading in our com for an org all purchases are tax deductible and every penny (less operating costs) will go to the betterment of mankind... What? I was told that if it's not for profit I could make all the promotional statements I wanted... Well, you need to speak to my lawyer then."


"I apologize for that. It appears that there are still those out there who wish to sully our good name. Haven't we been through enough? I've repaid my debt to society and learned that the biggest rewards come not from personal gain, but from serving the greater good. The idea that I am somehow part of any nefarious organization, to me, is ludicrous. To all those who would support me I leave you with these words of caution. The stinging bite of defeat is one left by a fork-tongued and venom-filled mouth. Venom that seeps into a man's soul and warps it to darkness. To all those who question my sanctity I would like to remind you that I LOVE PUPPIES! Good luck next year! Thank you and God Bless!"