Far East Times reported Thursday that three current or former Trichotillomanic players are under investigation for violation of the PSAS substance abuse policy. Times report didn’t identify the players nor the substance involved, but it is widely speculated that RB Tim Hightower, WR Eric Decker and WR Devery Henderson are being investigated for their use of ephedrine. They failed the test administered after the game on week 5. The team released Henderson before the week 6 game, and both Hightower and Decker sat on the bench against the Vickskennel.com.
Analysis: Too Much Tao Keeping Trichs At .500?
The Trichotillomaniacs headquarters in Sunset Park, Brooklyn, usually smells more of herbs than sweat or money. Often times on the stove in the team cafeteria are pots of coicis seed or angelicae root decoctions simmering for hours, and in many of personal care rooms wear players receive tui na or shiatsu massages or, more eagerly by many players, acupuncture and moxibustion sessions. It is widely known that some of the herbal decoctions that the players are given for their external and internal wears and tears they take in partaking in the PSAS fantasy football may contain substances that can enhance the performance of these players, but evidences are inconclusive as to how much effect it may have on the outcome of a match. Nevertheless, the league has clearly decided to crack down on uses of some of these medicinal herbs that the Trichs give to their players throughout the week.
It is suspected that it was a simple formula for cold that got the three players, Tim Hightower, Eric Decker and Devery Henderson, in trouble. Ma Oh Toh (Chinese: Ma Huang Tang), or the Ephedrae Decoction, is one of the most popular herbal formulas against the common cold in the eastern medicinal herbal tradition. It is made by putting the stem of ephedra plant with medicinal grade cinnamon twig, apricot kernel and licorice root in a large pot of boiling water for about 20 minuets. The strained decoction is then taken by patients that are coming down with cold, starting to feel the chills creeping in, may have slight fever and such, and the formula is designed to induce sweating in these patients to drive the pathogen out.
Ephedrine, the active ingredient in the plant, is a bronchodilator that also increases blood pressure. It is structurally similar to amphetamine and methamphetamine but its psychological effects such as heightened concentration is much weaker than its counterparts. There’s not enough evidence scientifically to prove that ephedrine is performance enhancing.
One thing that is clear is that this is another sort of distraction, following the “Decker-gate” scandal earlier in the season, that the lone team from the Far East doesn’t need if they want to improve from mediocrity. In some circle here in Sunset Park the discussion has shifted from the style of coaching head coach Lao Tzu employs to for how much longer the Old One will be coaching. It is widely known here that the ownership group, Far East Football Club Inc. is running out of patience, which the head coach himself has plenty of. There’s always the chance of the Old One himself walking away, setting himself in recluse as Taoists often do.
Lao’s rival Confucius’s name has long been mentioned as a possible replacement as the head coach. General Far East, the acting general manager of the team, once commented, “emphasis on concepts such as loyalty and filial piety may be what’s needed for this team” alluding to the Confucian ideals.
Another name that has surfaced recently is that of Han Fei. His legalism is thought by some in the fantasy circle to be the only philosophy that explains the power PSAS team owners can exert upon their teams. Chinese legalism gives absolute authority to the ruler. He is, literally, the rule. Han Fei may not be the best choice as Lao’s replacement, however. Critics are skeptical if the players will respond to avoiding punishment as a means of motivation after getting used to Lao’s easy-going style.
In other news from the Far East:
- The team has finally given up on RB Dexter McCluster. After the season-ending injury to Jamaal Charles, the team expected his numbers would elevate to the level envisioned when he was drafted. Instead he was limited as to the number of touches he received in each game including the return game, and never really produced as the team had hoped. He was released to make room for K Connor Barth. McCluster became expendable after the team acquired RBs Joseph Addai, who is hoping to recover from his hamstring injury soon, and Ricky Williams through the waiver wire. The team has coveted Ricky Williams for a long time. Head coach Lao Tzu has said that “[Williams] is a guy that follows the tao.”
- Barth joins fellow Tar Heel WR Hakeem Nicks in the Mania locker room after DE Julius Peppers was released the past week. Limping yet productive Peppers, long time Mania and a fan favorite, was mysteriously replaced by also injured Richard Seymour. Peppers now plays for the AEthernauts.
- Despite having doubled the number of RBs from 2.5 to 5 in the lasts two weeks, the buzz around town is that the team is still interested in acquiring a starting RB. Every offensive player except RB Frank Gore is said to be available for a trade involving a quality back.
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