Gainesville, Florida Pastor Terry Jones, who very narrowly averted an international incident with his threatened burning of the Koran on the anniversary of September 11th has threatened to burn the Heraclitus Fragments, the most holy book of the Pre-Socratic All Stars Fantasy Football League. Jones was bribed into rescinding his planned pyrotechnics by New Jersey car dealer and former New York Giants tackle, Brad Benson, who promised the Pastor a $14k Hundai if he backed down. His list of demands this time is more extensive and center around his local team "El Mundo Pequeno" including but not limited to:
-Season tickets to El Mundo Pequeno games.
-Tim Tebow must be acquired by and start for EMP for the rest of the season.
-Free legal advice for one year.
-Current EMP QB Ben Rapistburger must be baptized and born again in the blood of Jesus Christ.
-EMP must donate at least half 0f their current PSAS $
to Rand Paul's candidacy for SenateSaid Jones, "If the owner of Pequeno is a Christian and a Patriot, he should have no problem with my burning this heathanish drivel." The league commissioner did not immediately return calls regarding the Pastor's incendiary threats which would almost certainly radicalize vast segments of the league. In the past the commish has advocated a cryptic policy of "silence healing" to terroristic threats. As of press time the more liberal owner of JGPB had offered the pastor several free beer tokens to the Brooklyn Brewery, of no monetary value.
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