Team owner and preeminent expert on experimental veterinary science, Dr. Cornelius Archibald Burnside appeared thrilled with the change at QB. "I realized that trying to cure the world of diabetes, gingers and errant interceptions all at once was just too daunting a task and decided to get back to doing what we do best, creating superhumans." Coming from the man that turned Peyton Manning into a demigod and replaced Michael Vick's ribs with pure adamantium this should not be taken as hyperbole.
Speaking from deep inside the STD laboratories at the University of Florida where he is working on a side project that he would only refer to as "The Donkey Show," Burnside went on to elaborate why he's so excited about the potential he sees in Brian Hoyer. "I know what you're thinking. Why the Browns? And at first I thought the same thing, but then it dawned on me what an advantage that is. This kid is from Ohio, which means he's been breast feeding on flouride since birth. He's ready!"
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| Could this be the NeckBloodz' new mascot?? |
There's been a lot of speculation regarding a radical new procedure that involves spinning blood with flouride to produce a radioactive platelet enriched super-blood, but Dr. Burnside refused to comment. "We're always looking for a competitive advantage, whether it's deer antler spray, tiger semen or unicorn horns. However, I'm not going to discuss team strategy with the media."
[For those unfamiliar with the process of flouridation, please speak to a teller at your local GrossmanSachs Slave Analytics Drive-thru for free samples and additional information]
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| This highly trained professional received her P.h.D. from U.F. to become a teller at the G0dbank injecting flouride into slave rectums. |
Burnside added, "This league is too competitive for smug diabetics and ginger pilates instructors. You have to ride the hot hand and sometimes that means creating your own from scratch. I know all too well the highs and lows of winning and losing. I went from having the largest experimental veterinary practice this side of the Mississippi to slinging milkshakes to desperate pre-pubescent Dominicans trying to make the Yankees. After Vick got taken down I was humbled. I never want to experience that again."
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| "But I thought you said you would give us more milkshakes if we did what you asked...." |
At GrossmanSachs we believe every American was born with the right to work, that's why the G0dz gave you rectums. But the G0dz gave you dirty rectums, so you aren't fit to work without our patented fluoride shots. Now you're gonna feel a rather large prick. Good, that's great. Drive thru, please.
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