|Arian Foster's new home is considerably more phallic than his last one beneath 666 Wall St.|
America's illustrious history is full of stories of under-appreciated Vegan Philosophers. When one of the modern demig0dz was signed by GrossmanSachs, most wondered how the two disparate worldviews would mesh. As a Neo-Fascist G0dbank, GrossmanSachs has always been a promoter of the teachings of Frederich Nietzsche ("God is dead, long live the G0dbank"), while Foster is a follower of the Rinzai School of Zen Buddhism. Foster's growth in the NFL is directly related to the teachings of Hakuin Ekaku-- the exploration of himself is what gives Foster his focus and balance. While under the oppressive control of the G0dbank, Foster openly rebelled against entering Beastmode, and protested GrossmanSachs forcing him to do so by spraying aerolisolized HGH into the atmosphere (a practice first proposed by HomeSpunNeckBloodz, a trailblazing franchise in biogenesis) above their practice fields on Ricker's Island. "They're trying to make me eat Pterodactyl. I don't eat meat, man," Foster whispered while sitting Zazen in the penthouse dojo built for him by Colonel Mustard at the Oro in Brooklyn. "And that spray, it's a violation of my civil rights." The Supreme Court is currently deciding whether or not to hear Foster v. GrossmanSachs, so the G0dbank's controversial technology, Febreeztm0de, is still legal for the moment. Foster seems so comfortable in his new home (he no longer wears shoes), that in his first week with his new team he entered S4MU41M0D3. "I asked Coach Hellman if I could speak to the team before the game, and I asked them my new favorite koan: 'How many yards can you gain from a condominium?' I thought of that while slicing through defenses this week. The rest of the team, well, I think they were a little confused, but we'll come along. As the new Shogun in town, I'm happy to bring the mayo each week; next week we'll need A-Rodg to bring the mustard."
Erik Decker: Sell
Everyone knows Peyton Manning's career is nearly over, and the death rattle can clearly be heard after another shoddy performance (327 yards, 4 TDs, 0 INTs). What's more troubling is that his blatant homophobia is costing Eric Decker a chance at the few touchdowns he does throw. "I don't know what y'all are saying," Manning drawled while simultaneously recording seven commercials and wearing three different types of funny mustaches. "I love Eric like a brother, and not the way Eli loves Cooper, like the straight way. And besides, just because a guy does some modeling, and 'erik decker gay' brings a lot of traffic to the league website, it doesn't mean he's doing something wrong, not that there's anything wrong with doing something wrong."
LeGarrette Blount: Buy
Blount passed his final test to be the Partriots starting RB this week by not punching Michelle Tafoya during a post-game interview. Tom Brady was literally speechless when asked later that night what he thought about Blount's performance, once Giselle Bundchen showed him a Queen of Hearts from the deck she keeps in her vagina, however, he was effusive. "I mean, that's everything right there. For Gary not to punch Michelle is like Charlie Sheen not banging a pornstar, or a blind guy driving a car, it's just a huge step." Blount was a little shaken up after the interview, his programming from Bill Belicheck is similar to Alex's in A Clockwork Orange, and while it ensures he no longer punches people, it makes him nauseous and suicidal. "They could have put me in there with anybody, but not lovely, lovely, lovely, Michelle Tafoya. As a troubled teenager, the thought of punching her in the face was all that got me through the day, now when I see her, I just want to jump out a window, but I guess I'll just punch it in the endzone instead."
|Even after working together for twenty years, Al Michaels still finds it hilarious when someone tells Michelle Tafoya they want to punch her.|
Wilson's Q-rating soared last year after his heartfelt tears were shed over fumbling in his first big game. "He let America in, and we were reaching for the pull-out couch," said an anonymous GQ writer from atop an alabaster rocking horse. "There was something comforting about seeing that. We want our heroes to cry, especially when they really suck at their job. We all suck at our jobs, and we all want it to be okay to cry about it, and David was opening that door. But now, he's just slammed it in our faces. He still has the courage to openly suck, but no longer is he David "Pouter". This strong, silent, suckage is getting old quickly." While it is unclear how Wilson's plummeting Q-rating will affect his PSAS production, it has already started to hurt his endorsements. Kleenex, Visine, and Lillith Fair have already terminated their lucrative contracts with the face of the Giants.
Jimmy Graham: Sell
|If this Rhino had Lobas Elephantitis his urination would be far more explosive.|
For over a decade, we have wondered why Barry Sanders hung up his cleats at just thirty years old. He was still on top of his game, and never suffered the severe injuries of most of his contemporary running backs. Those close to Barry know he was waiting for the perfect time to return. A time when he could lead the league in rushing once again, and do it while only averaging ten carries a game. That time is now. In a year where running backs are signing contracts from the couch all over America, it's simply a matter of putting a body out there with two legs. Well, guess who still has two legs? Barry Fucking Sanders. The Giants, Lions, Ravens, Packers, Bengals, and Falcons have all contacted Barry Sanders via his postman, Terrence Featherdale, in Wichita, Kansas. Featherdale says Sanders stays in shape by playing tetherball with the local schoolchildren and digging and filling holes in his backyard. "He's the quiet type," said Featherdale, who spoke only those four words in a ninety minute interview. He may be quiet, but we have a feeling Barry Sanders will soon be making a lot of noise in the PSAS.
|Barry Sanders has never looked better, and could step into anyone's starting lineup today.|