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Arian Foster's new home is considerably more phallic than his last one beneath 666 Wall St. |



Everyone knows Peyton Manning's career is nearly over, and the death rattle can clearly be heard after another shoddy performance (327 yards, 4 TDs, 0 INTs). What's more troubling is that his blatant homophobia is costing Eric Decker a chance at the few touchdowns he does throw. "I don't know what y'all are saying," Manning drawled while simultaneously recording seven commercials and wearing three different types of funny mustaches. "I love Eric like a brother, and not the way Eli loves Cooper, like the straight way. And besides, just because a guy does some modeling, and 'erik decker gay' brings a lot of traffic to the league website, it doesn't mean he's doing something wrong, not that there's anything wrong with doing something wrong."
LeGarrette Blount: Buy
Blount passed his final test to be the Partriots starting RB this week by not punching Michelle Tafoya during a post-game interview. Tom Brady was literally speechless when asked later that night what he thought about Blount's performance, once Giselle Bundchen showed him a Queen of Hearts from the deck she keeps in her vagina, however, he was effusive. "I mean, that's everything right there. For Gary not to punch Michelle is like Charlie Sheen not banging a pornstar, or a blind guy driving a car, it's just a huge step." Blount was a little shaken up after the interview, his programming from Bill Belicheck is similar to Alex's in A Clockwork Orange, and while it ensures he no longer punches people, it makes him nauseous and suicidal. "They could have put me in there with anybody, but not lovely, lovely, lovely, Michelle Tafoya. As a troubled teenager, the thought of punching her in the face was all that got me through the day, now when I see her, I just want to jump out a window, but I guess I'll just punch it in the endzone instead."
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Even after working together for twenty years, Al Michaels still finds it hilarious when someone tells Michelle Tafoya they want to punch her. |
Wilson's Q-rating soared last year after his heartfelt tears were shed over fumbling in his first big game. "He let America in, and we were reaching for the pull-out couch," said an anonymous GQ writer from atop an alabaster rocking horse. "There was something comforting about seeing that. We want our heroes to cry, especially when they really suck at their job. We all suck at our jobs, and we all want it to be okay to cry about it, and David was opening that door. But now, he's just slammed it in our faces. He still has the courage to openly suck, but no longer is he David "Pouter". This strong, silent, suckage is getting old quickly." While it is unclear how Wilson's plummeting Q-rating will affect his PSAS production, it has already started to hurt his endorsements. Kleenex, Visine, and Lillith Fair have already terminated their lucrative contracts with the face of the Giants.
Jimmy Graham: Sell
Jimmer's phenomenal year just keeps on ticking, and that's bad news for his stock. He's getting dangerously close to the "Uncanny Tight End Valley (UTEV)." The UTEV was first discovered when Jeremy Shockey stopped catching a touchdown every few minutes. Doctors all along the B34ST coast were perplexed at the sudden dropoff in production. "Vat ve vound," said GrossmanSachs team physician Tobias Geobbels, "Vas zat zee zerebral cortex een ze spezimenz brainz vas hindered by a vast growth. Eet vas later culled Lobas Elephantitis, und ze only ozzer animal zat ve zee eet een ees a rhinoceros." Lobas Elephantitis is almost as responsible for the near extinction of the Black Rhino as Ernest Hemingway, who if he were alive today, would surely hunt tight ends. Other victims of Lobas Elephantitis are Kellen Winslow Jr., Rob Gronkowski, Aaron Hernandez, Antonio Gates (who's LE is currently in remission), and Andre the Giant. If Jimmy Graham doesn't stop catching touchdowns soon, he too will suffer the fate of the disappearing tight ends. We're sad to report that Jordan Cameron's helmet size has changed three times in the first four weeks, and all signs point to this not ending well. If Jimmy and Jordan are wise, they will follow in the footsteps of Tony Gonzalez, and take three month peyote-guided journeys through Mesoamerica in the offseason to aide the spirits in fighting LE.
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If this Rhino had Lobas Elephantitis his urination would be far more explosive. |
For over a decade, we have wondered why Barry Sanders hung up his cleats at just thirty years old. He was still on top of his game, and never suffered the severe injuries of most of his contemporary running backs. Those close to Barry know he was waiting for the perfect time to return. A time when he could lead the league in rushing once again, and do it while only averaging ten carries a game. That time is now. In a year where running backs are signing contracts from the couch all over America, it's simply a matter of putting a body out there with two legs. Well, guess who still has two legs? Barry Fucking Sanders. The Giants, Lions, Ravens, Packers, Bengals, and Falcons have all contacted Barry Sanders via his postman, Terrence Featherdale, in Wichita, Kansas. Featherdale says Sanders stays in shape by playing tetherball with the local schoolchildren and digging and filling holes in his backyard. "He's the quiet type," said Featherdale, who spoke only those four words in a ninety minute interview. He may be quiet, but we have a feeling Barry Sanders will soon be making a lot of noise in the PSAS.
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Barry Sanders has never looked better, and could step into anyone's starting lineup today. |
Uncanny Tight End Valley = David Lynch porn parody.
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