A Better You for a Bigger World

This past week has seen some unfortunate unsubstantiated accusations of a secretive transhumanist revolution headed by everyone's favorite bank, Grossman-Sachs.

Let's clear the air.

The firm of Grossman-Sachs would like all of our loyal fans/slaves to know that we have only their best intentions at heart. We hate that your Grandmother has cataracts; we hate that your butt occasionally itches, and we hate that every other team in the PSAS isn't doing a Grossdamn thing about it.

So, you want a revolution? Well, we at GrossmanSachs have melted your individual evolution to a few simple steps:

Step 1: Kill your godz. No longer will your soul be enslaved by the conservative religious factions of Thanatoids, BDThinking, and El Mundo Pequeno. These seemingly separate religions/PSAS teams are in fact working together for the glory of their Owl god Moloch, and you are the sacrifice. Only through the expunging of this false idol from the record can we begin to break your conditioning, and make a stronger, faster, ocholoko'd you.

Step 2: Get Microchipped. It's harmless, efficient, trendy, and harmless again. Through a simple operation we can implant a chip into your brain, and cease all negative brain operations (like overpaying for Brandon Jackson or starting Jay Cutler) and replace them with positive brain operations (like trading your best running back to Grossman-Sachs for Robbie Gould).

Here GrossmanSachs security guards happily confirm someone wants to be "more than human."

Step 3: Put your personality profile from your microchip into Madden NFL 2011 as a General Manager and kill yourself. This will allow you to exist only in the virtual world, giving you plenty of time to titrate all the best matchups, to dry run any waiver actions, and to see how your players will look doing a touchdown dance at San Francisco Ferries Stadium.

While these steps may sound drastic, we want to impress upon you that they are only scary because you've been conditioned to believe you can't live without your false idols, or with a microchip making decisions for you, or inside a video game. This couldn't be further from the truth. Don't forget, we have the God Particle, and we all know the truth in the great state of Ohio's motto: "With a God Particle, all things are possible."

GrossmanSachs also wants to bring to the attention of the PSAS league the looming growth of El Mundo Pequeno's power. The disgraced former commisioner is currently mobilizing millions of potential Tebowarriors through the PSAS Twitter Page. In the words of the immortal, saintly, banker Nathan Rothchild, "Show me who controls a league's twitter page, and I care not who the commissioner is."

El Mundo Pequeno has been testing their twitter mobs for years now, most famously during the "revolution" in Iran.

The work of El Mundo Pequeno is both vast and deep. While they control most media outlets including the highly influential The Hypermodernity Club, their real power lies in influencing behind the scenes roundtable groups.

El Mundo Pequeno is most commonly known as an ancient cult, hell bent on the destruction of all democratic fantasy football leagues. Current members include George Sherf III, Jon Stewart Lebowitz and the ghost child of Alexander the Great.

We also suspect El Mundo Pequeno of gaining unauthorized access to the GrossmanSachs God Particle. We believe El Mundo Pequeno has been travelling through time pretending to be Phillip Seymour Hoffman, most notably to gain access to Queen Julian Moore and her commonwealth holdings.

Here you can see the owner of El Mundo Pequeno has aged significantly through time travel in order to win oscars and influence the BDThinking hollywood elite.

We at GrossmanSachs don't want to overspeculate, but we're fairly certain El Mundo Pequeno is trying to divert rightful indignation to their subterfuge to the helpless Vampire Squid Bank of QB Ineptitude. The stake of all of humanity and robotkind hangs delicately in the balance. If you want to be all you can be, become a robot, and let us set your lineups. It's your only hope.