Grossman-Sachs can help you with all these problems.
Think things can't get worse? Your last two commisioners are both Zimbabwean Economists, and have been printing large numbers of PSAS Reserve Quadrillion Dollar BillsStop paying for players with PSAS Currency. Why? At Grossman-Sachs we believe in the American dream. We believe in little girls with pigtails playing double-dutch after church; we believe in kittens snuggling on a bed of supersnuggly puppies; and we believe in every citizen's right to their own currency-- these are the visions shot forth from the loins of our forefathers. That's why Grossman-Sachs is now bringing YOU, our oldest, dearest friends, the BankerBuck. Why is our currency better than PSAS Reserve Currency? Thanks for asking, friend. Come over here to the Particle Supercollider and we'll show you!
We are still learning so much about our world. In the last two months alone the world's most effective sports/energy/alcoholic sodadrink has been unleashed upon and unsuspecting public, a hall-of-fame middle linebacker has been exposed as a Persian Magi, and BldgDW3LL1NGTH1nk1ng has been exposed as a Radical Leftist heading up a PSAS shadow government, but none of these revelations will prove to be as monumental as those divined from our Particle Supercollider.
As you can see here, our Particle Supercollider has not only length and girth, but also definition. The man pictured is Robert Wadlow, and he is 8 feet 11 inches tall. He died in 1940 but this picture was taken in 2010, impossible?The Particle Supercollider is a complicated machine, and we would hate to bore you with the technical logistics, but here's a short list of what Grossman-Sachs will soon accomplish with the supercollider.
1. Time Travel - This is fairly basic and surprisingly similar to how the phone booth worked in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. With time travel comes the obvious advantages of unlimited foresight, omnipresence, and a pretty good chance of winning the fastest finger award every week on the waiver wire.
2. Human Revival - Again, pretty self-explanatory. Think Walter Payton would have been good in your backfield? Just push a button and sweeten up your lineup! Want Dan Marino's historic second season to fill up your stat sheet? Just go back to 1984, kill Marino, skip forward to today, bring him back to life, and there you go! What's that, you don't know how to kill Marino? That's easy!
3. Death Rays - Pick anybody, anywhere, anytime, and incinerate them with a Death Ray; then you can revive them and do it again! Grossman-Sachs would not have been able to make so much progress in Death Ray Research if it weren't for the continuous killing and revival of Dick Cheney.
4. Fast Cooking - Top Chef recently hosted a show at the Particle Supercollider, and each contestant was able to perfectly "slow cook" Baby Back Ribs in under 1.2 seconds. Think of how much easier life would be if you could make ribs in under 2 seconds.
The idea for the Particle Supercollider reportedly came to Rex Grossman while disguised as Tim Tebow, trying to score drugs at a Methadone clinic. He drew this schematic on his right thigh in Rehab.
While all these tripleplusgood features may seem like enough to get you to give yoursoulf completely to the Grossman-Sachs cause, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Let's face it, winning fantasy football games is great (especially if you do it without cheating unlike [your worst enemy here]), but sometimes it seems like there may actually be more to life than scoring a lot of points against The Thanatoids.
Have you ever wanted to get a handjob from Jesus?
Us too. That's why we're the only bank in the lower-Manhattan area with our own God Particle.
The world's only know God Particle (photo courtesy of Jayson Blair) is currently in Rex Grossman's Trophy Room along with his 2003 Outback Bowl Runner-Up Medal and 2001 Heisman Runner-Up Coaster
1. Time Travel - This is fairly basic and surprisingly similar to how the phone booth worked in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. With time travel comes the obvious advantages of unlimited foresight, omnipresence, and a pretty good chance of winning the fastest finger award every week on the waiver wire.
2. Human Revival - Again, pretty self-explanatory. Think Walter Payton would have been good in your backfield? Just push a button and sweeten up your lineup! Want Dan Marino's historic second season to fill up your stat sheet? Just go back to 1984, kill Marino, skip forward to today, bring him back to life, and there you go! What's that, you don't know how to kill Marino? That's easy!
3. Death Rays - Pick anybody, anywhere, anytime, and incinerate them with a Death Ray; then you can revive them and do it again! Grossman-Sachs would not have been able to make so much progress in Death Ray Research if it weren't for the continuous killing and revival of Dick Cheney.
4. Fast Cooking - Top Chef recently hosted a show at the Particle Supercollider, and each contestant was able to perfectly "slow cook" Baby Back Ribs in under 1.2 seconds. Think of how much easier life would be if you could make ribs in under 2 seconds.
The idea for the Particle Supercollider reportedly came to Rex Grossman while disguised as Tim Tebow, trying to score drugs at a Methadone clinic. He drew this schematic on his right thigh in Rehab.While all these tripleplusgood features may seem like enough to get you to give yoursoulf completely to the Grossman-Sachs cause, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Let's face it, winning fantasy football games is great (especially if you do it without cheating unlike [your worst enemy here]), but sometimes it seems like there may actually be more to life than scoring a lot of points against The Thanatoids.
Have you ever wanted to get a handjob from Jesus?
Us too. That's why we're the only bank in the lower-Manhattan area with our own God Particle.
The world's only know God Particle (photo courtesy of Jayson Blair) is currently in Rex Grossman's Trophy Room along with his 2003 Outback Bowl Runner-Up Medal and 2001 Heisman Runner-Up CoasterYes, Grossman-Sachs has a God Particle, and yes it's as cool as you think it is. Surprisingly small, and furrier than you'd think, it tickles you just the right amount when you're close to it, and it judges everyone around you with hypocritical hyperbole. It's everything you've always wanted in a God, and it knows who you should start this week.
Grossman describes his Supercollider, "It's like a frickin' Burrito wrapped around the sun, man."
In summation, give Grossman-Sachs all your players and PSAS Reserve Currency, and it will be exchanged for Time Travel, Human Revival, Death Ray (roaming rates may apply), and Fast Cooking Privileges, an equivalent numerical value of BankerBucks (which are backed by The Grossman-Sachs Reserve Bank of Gold and Time), and your own private sessions with the God Particle... or you can watch your league crumble under the hands of Radical Leftists, Oil-Spill Profiteers, Dog Fight Aficionados and Rape Patrons.
Grossman describes his Supercollider, "It's like a frickin' Burrito wrapped around the sun, man."In summation, give Grossman-Sachs all your players and PSAS Reserve Currency, and it will be exchanged for Time Travel, Human Revival, Death Ray (roaming rates may apply), and Fast Cooking Privileges, an equivalent numerical value of BankerBucks (which are backed by The Grossman-Sachs Reserve Bank of Gold and Time), and your own private sessions with the God Particle... or you can watch your league crumble under the hands of Radical Leftists, Oil-Spill Profiteers, Dog Fight Aficionados and Rape Patrons.
Let's get down to brass tacks--I'm willing to offer all my starting wide receivers plus Adrian Peterson if GrossmanSachs can put my brain in a robot body.
ReplyDelete(And if I get to use the death ray on Brett Favre)
ReplyDeleteSo, after I'm done reading this article, I can travel back in time pick up Willis McGahee in week 4. Excellent, here he is in my line-up. But I have to remember to do that or it won't happen. But, it did happen, so...
ReplyDeleteJust let it come to you Petronius Arbiter. The most common mistake in time travel is overthinking.
ReplyDelete"There's no time to think out there; if you think, you're dead." - Maverick, Top Gun
L. Ron Hubbard said these exact same words to Tom Cruise on the set of All the Right Moves before the sex scene with Leah Thompson. The results speak for themselves.