BREAKING: WikiLeaks Releases Thousands of Classified PSAS Documents

In what is being hailed as the worst security breach in PSAS history, the infamous Wikileaks has obtained over 250,000 previously classified cables between PSAS owners, disastrously threatening to undermine diplomacy between teams on the eve of the Playoffs. The Commissioner, after having received 13 stitches in his lower lip from being knocked in the face during last week’s brutal matchup with el mundo, has been unable to comment publicly, but his Office has called the security breach “an egregious act of terrorism that will not go unpunished”. League lawyers spent last night burning the midnight oil furiously drafting a PSAS Espionage Act in hopes of prosecuting Julian Assange of Wikileaks. However, Assange has already been on the run for some time since being accused of assault and rape, accusations tangentially related to leaking the salacious terms of the Miles Austin-Pierre Thomas trade between the Ferries and BDT earlier this year. Nevertheless, Wikileaks’ latest leak will undoubtedly prove far more damaging to the League, critics warn. One newspaper called the leaks “a diplomatic disaster” while another said the leak “represented nothing short of League-wide implosion.”

The leaked cables themselves detail, at times in strikingly frank terms, what each owner thinks of other owners. "How is Int’l Necronauts managing his nerves and anxiety?" asked a cable dated Nov. 14, 2010, and signed "ELMUNDO" in all capital letters. "How does stress affect his behavior toward his decision making?" the cable continued. "What steps does the Intl Necronauts or his advisers/handlers take in helping his deal with stress from his first playoff berth? Is he taking any titrations?” (sic)

Delving into the personalities of PSAS counterparts may be integral to modern diplomatic give-and-take. But the bluntly worded cable asking about the 2^nd year owner’s "nerves" and "emotions" may further test up-and-down relations between Gainesville and Chicago. The cable suggests that Gainesville saw the Necronauts as perhaps prone to emotional instability given the team’s youth. In another cable, Vickskennel.com is referred to as "risk averse and rarely creative," which should come as no surprise to any League observer. However, some leaked cables are nothing short of shocking. JGPB is described in a Sept. 18, 2010 cable as being short on substance, lacking in "gravitas," vain, arrogant, critical of the PSAS leadership and "too opportunistic to be trusted as a PSAS owner." He is, one of the dispatches says, an "enigma" who faces a "steep learning curve" on PR issues. One cable seemed to criticize the Phat Girlz for having "natural instincts to utter populist pronouncements." Finally, one cable described BldgDw3ll1ngTh1nk1ng in no uncertain terms: “ST8 B34$t!!”.

One GM who wished to remain anonymous responded on Monday, stating, "I don't believe this story as it has been presented". "Just because it says it there doesn't mean that it is right." The unnamed GM – but let’s be honest, this sounds an awful lot like Revenge - also said that he didn't consider "gossip and chit-chat" about PSAS GMs to be particularly relevant. He said he is more concerned about potential dangers to security to the PSAS government from the publication of the documents.

Not all of the cables were mere “gossip” and “chit chat”, however. In fact, some cables dangerously describe a plot to declare war on el Mundo because of its recent proliferation in obtaining the points scored record of 173. "Cut off the head of the snake," quotes the Grossman Sachs GM as saying during a meeting with BDT in October 2010. Another cable, which was labeled “N0T4J3WZ”, the highest classification for PSAS correspondence, which means ‘not intended for foreigners’, described a top secret plot to turn the long-rumored Grossman Sachs god particle in on Grossman Sachs themselves. More leaked information on this plot will reportedly be released later, but at this time all that is known about the plot is its ominous codename: “KOOKOOBANANAZ”.

The implication from these leaks is clear: Is diplomacy now dead in the PSAS?

The WikiLeaks disclosure has revealed not only numerous government PSAS secrets, but also the driving mentality of major factions within the three schools of pre-Socratic thought, PSAS beat writer Glenn Greenwald writes. Whether or not this is a positive development in Year 3 of the League will surely be debated around watercoolers for the foreseeable future. One PSAS fan, Benjamin Netanyahu, noted, “It will be more difficult for talented PSAS owners to put into cables, emails, and reports things they once would have.” The future of the League, obviously, is teetering dangerously on the edge of destruction. But whether this latest scandal will push the League over the edge is yet to be determined. However, one thing that is absolutely certain is that more leaks are sure to come. Stay tuned…