The Talented Mr. Grossman

Grossman-Sachs just cannot seem to avoid controversy this season. It seems last month's allegations of double-agents and illegal put-options were small potatoes compared to the much more serious charges recently surfacing against the firm.

A growing movement of "Grossman Truthers" still demands answers for Rex Grossman's escape and subsequent destruction last week resulting in a win for Grossman-Sachs because of their utilization of the often hilarious Lions Defense (an official list of demands from the Halloween 2010 Victim's Familes is expected sometime next week) but most assume a bipartisan congressional panel will form soon to look into the "accident." The new problem for Grossman-Sachs, however, may prove much more difficult to handle.

Last Friday, Thomas Friedman took a break from fake mustache shopping to point out a strange incongruity with the Chicago Bears quarterbacks. Mr. Friedman alleges that the Bears have been using the same quarterback for the past 28 years. "Look, I don't know if it's cloning, or shapeshifting, or just simple camera tricks like hollywood uses to convince us Meryl Streep and Glenn Close are different people, but those quarterbacks, they're all the same guy." Friedman had to pause for a minute to brush the muffin crumbs out of his fake mustache before continuing. "Think about it... Grossman? He sucked. Orton? Sucked in pretty much the same way. Cutler? Identical suckage, and the list goes on an on: Shane Matthews, Todd Collins, Jim Miller, Mike Tomczak, Jim Harbaugh, Jim McMahon, should I go on, or are you starting to get the picture?"

The most popular conclusion is that the Bears keep a Hall of QB Heads, and switch them out onto the same body (as demonstrated here in the industrial short on the Federal Reserve, Return to Oz.)

Friedman also noted that we never see the Bears quarterbacks simultaneously. "I'm just saying, you'd think if they had two separate, but identical quarterbacks, you'd see some trick plays, some chicanery from time to time. But the Bears choose whichever quarterback they need to suck at that moment and stick with him. And what's the deal with Cutler being good for the Broncos and Orton sucking for the Bears, and then they swap and suddenly Orton's good? This is not an accident, could you pass that danish please; is it hot in here by the way or is it just me? And do we really need all these people? C'mon!"

This is thought to be the only picture in existence of any two bears QBs
(Notice the sloppy Photoshop work on "Orton" and his relationship to the background. Also, Oliver Stone says the shadows don't match)

It's unclear how Grossman-Sachs come into all this. They currently "own" Jay Cutler (quotations used because it's impossible to own a hologram) and Rex Grossman is their CEO and supposedly in their captivity again. Could Grossman-Sachs be perpetuating Bears QB mediocrity for all time in order to secure better defensive numbers? Perhaps these allegations kept GS from picking up the Bills Defense this week, even though Grossman's own board member Prescott Bush IV said himself, "The only defensive strategy is to choose the team every week that plays the Bears. You can write it down, that's your number one defense. Trust me, my Great-Grandfather was a Nazi."

While we may not yet know just what the hell is going on at Grossman-Sachs, Michael Moore and his documentary army have produced this damning video: