VICK: Coming to a Theatre Near You

Grossman-Sachs is pleased to announce filming is underway for their first feature-length motion picture, VICK.


Chris Rock will play the lead role, though many detractors said he was too old to play America's sweetheart. Fortunately, Oliver Stone brilliantly chose to use footage from Rock's performance as Pookie in New Jack City for most of the protagonist's closeups.

This scene from New Jack City, will be reused during Vick's black-ops training in Mexico City.

Oliver Stone is directing, despite frequent death threats and race-baiting from Spike Lee. Stone said he couldn't be happier about the subject. "To me, this is a classic redemption story very similar to The Count of Monte Cristo, except with football filling in for the swordfighting, and dogfighting equaling love. Vick's a modern day Che Guevara, or maybe an inner-city Mother Theresa. He is to Black America what the Easter Bunny is to my four-year-old daughter."

Grossman-Sachs would like to make it clear, we are producing VICK, not Spike Lee's bandwagon biopic MV7: The Philadelphia Redemption. Though we respect Mr. Lee's work as a groundbreaking minority filmmaker, we disagree with his policy towards minority directors. Mr. Lee recently tweeted: "O STONE dirX V1CK?! WTF?! Tht b like Rchrd Atnborogh dirX Ghandi or SHAMalan dirX Kobe Doin Work! Y Not SoDRBRG dirX Che BIOpK?!" While we sympathize with Mr. Lee's call for minority filmmakers, we're not sure why he thinks Ghandi was directed by an Indian or that Steven Soderbergh didn't direct a Che Guevara biopic, and at the end of the day, we don't really care. This movie is gonna kick total ass.

The film begins with Vick's explosion onto the scene as a college Sophomore at Virginia Tech. Most people know Vick was paid great sums of money to be a tutor in the botany department, but few know he shrewdly invested that money in one badass Bank/Investment Firm/Federal Reserve Farm System: Grossman-Sachs. That money has now become over 1.7 billion dollars, most of which will be put right back into the production of VICK. This will give Mr. Stone the necessary budget to make the film he needs to make, especially the more expensive pyrotechnics for the action sequences in South America.

Here Vick lectures a Virginia Tech botany class about Cannibus Saptiva.

"The part that was most fascinating to me," Mr. Stone added, "is the Ron Mexico angle. Here you have one of the most famous men in America, going into a clinic to get tested for an STD, and he 'gives' them the name 'Ron Mexico.' Now, you tell me, does this seem like poor decision making from a man who has continually always made the right life decisions, or something much more sinister? Basically, I'm saying Dick Cheney divulged Mike Vick's secret identity in an attempt to stop him from exposing the truth about the impending financial collapse."

Once Vick's codename was outted by Dick Cheney, he lost all his top-secret clearances, but continued to fight behind the scenes with Charlie Sheen.

We at Grossman-Sachs know some think we're to blame for the financial collapse, well, whatever, we're rubber your glue, hater! The real cause was 0bviously BDThinking, el mundo pequeno, a pupeteer Thanatoids administration and the one prick to rule them all, Dick Cheney.

Vick worked as a secret agent for the CIA and Dept. of Homeland Security from 2000-2007. He was recruited by an operative down the road at Langley, who introduced him to black-ops (well poisoning, overthrowing foreign governments, IMF tubercliosis operations, bbq bombs, etc...) while he attended Virgina Tech. Most of his work was done in Argentina and Greece.

Sometime in the fall of 2007, Vick became concerned about the relationship between Treasury and Wall St., and wrote about it on his incendiary website VicksKennel.com (motto: Let's put these pit-bosses in cages!). "Is it just me, or did the repeal of Glass-Steagle allow Wall St. to take our money and inflate the housing market with it? Wouldn't that mean the bubble will burst and everyone's gonna be on the street? Then they'd probably ask for a bailout, and they'd get it, because (REDACTED) runs the Fed and Treasury. It's just like Argentina! Put 'em all in cages!" This was the last post Vick made, because the day after he wrote it, he was drugged, secretly taken to a dogfighting ring (at an address "sold" by BDThinking two weeks earlier), and arrested. Ron Mexico (Vick's codename, adapted from Roger Mexico, an operative in Gravity's Rainbow, Vick's favorite Thomas Pynchon novel) would never work again.

Vick was trying to board a plane to Austin, TX to speak with radio host Alex Jones about a plot to destroy the American economy, when he was accosted by security and "found with" a weed-hiding waterbottle.

Now, Vick is out of prison, and determined to bring the truth into the light, and throw a crapload of touchdowns along the way. Grossman-Sachs is pleased to finally tell the whole story. Expect a trailer sometime in the near future.